Freezing cold, but happy

I was buzzing after handing in my work - my enhanced enabler even took a photo of me handing it in!

Not the best pic of me, but hey, it's the moment we're capturing here....

 

So that is all finished with and I don't need to worry about it anymore. As the Prince Regent from Blackadder would say - 'HOORAH!'. We went for lunch at one of my favourite cafes and celebrated with nachos - I treated myself to a peach smoothie - and we could chat about really taking notice of my successes rather than the failures. Today is all about glowing in happiness from getting this handed in and I don't mind that plan one bit.

 

I went to Primark and got some fluffy bed socks - which I live in - a nice soft snood and a pale pink jumper. It might be April, but you wouldn't think it from looking out the window. Unfortunately I got caught in the rain walking back and because it was nice this morning when I left, I didn't have a coat or anything - I refused to let it ruin my mood though, it's only rain! Soon, I will ring home and tell them :D



Dissertation hand in day

25 days to go.

Mood: Happy

Okay feeling good this morning, let's hope it lasts! I'm ready to head onto campus to meet with my enhanced enabler to get this dissertation SORTED. I have everything ready but I'm doubting myself because it is so important, I'm nervous of forgetting a really important element - it's all too easily done! A bit like when you travel or move and you just start your journey when you realise you forgot your passport or your keys for the new place and you get that sinking feeling inside of impending doom!

My uni best mate did the nicest thing yesterday, she's great. I was asking her for advice on my dissertation, just little things, but I'd put off asking her because I was nervous that she would ask about how come I am handing it in now. She didn't! She just helped me out, didn't ask into anything, just as if this was always the deadline. I was so grateful to her for that, it is amazing how good being treated normally can feel :)

Jessica is GO / Stripy lovelies

26 days to go.

Mood: In charge

So things feel like they are all going steady, after seeing both my learning support tutor and enhanced enabler, having an appointment about my poster presentation and going to the library about my dissertation materials. Now I just need to make sure my dissertation is as shiny as I'd like and then it's all ready to sort out and give in tomorrow! :D that'll be a load off my mind. Assuming my exam referral is validated, all that is left to think about is my poster, which already has a layout - including some photos I took of some tigers in South Africa (I was at a sanctuary). Here's some stripy lovelies for you. oh, and what's your favourite animal??

April Thank Yous

At the end of every month, I list people I wish to say thank you to and why to show my gratitude. Thank you to:

My family for being there for me and accepting how I am without judgement. That is the greatest support I could have.

 

My boyfriend for loving every part of me and teaching me to love myself.

 

My academic support for seeing me through each and every deadline and showing me that trying is progress in itself and that I deserve praise more often.

 

Everyone for making me realise that I need to be kinder to myself and try to let things go.

 

My best mate back home for being herself no matter what and always having something to laugh about.

 

Thank you Xx

Feeling cut off

Ringing home and no one's picking up, flatmate out, boyfriend busy, internet barely working... not a great night. I am desperately trying to conjure the motivation to revise or at least look at my dissertation but nothing's happeniiiing! I know no one wants to revise, but if I look at any of my notes for one minute I am quickly on the verge of meltdown. The only thing that's been comforting is (when the internet permits me) bidding on eBay for makeup products. Nothing above like £2, but still, it helps!

A good thing I've just noticed though is that I rang home for comfort - a very good step :) I think I would be more capable of attempting revision if I wasn't in the side effects period of my meds, I want to kick myself when I think of why I didn't get them in Easter but you know what, you can't go back. I read these really helpful quotes on the facebook page Begin With Yes that help me to open my mind to a lot of things.

Keeping up appearances

It is a defence mechanism everyone uses sometimes, we all want to seem okay at all times to those around us and I am no exception. I do my best to be upbeat when I'm with friends or family, but it can come with a price. If you open up to some people, it can go wrong, they might not respond the way you hope. Some people only believe what they see and if you've perfected the art of being okay/happy all the time, they won't believe something is wrong.

This is a constant worry for me. My friends know I am anxious about things, most know of the PTSD, but barely any know of my depression. This is fine, I can live like this easily, except around times when my learning support makes me stand out from everyone else. At the beginning of the year, I received some equipment and laptop software which I was really anxious of my friends seeing me use. Thank goodness no one spoke of it - they may have noticed, but they didn't say anything - so I felt fine with that after a little while.

Now however.... I don't know how to get around this one. I didn't think anything of it when my exam provisions came through, which meant I was in my own individual room with extra time. After giving in the forms to hopefully set my exams back a few months - assuming they are deemed valid - I now have no clue how to talk to my friends over the next couple of weeks. That might sound silly, but everyone talks to everyone about how revision is going, what time are you going to get up, you arrange to walk there together, after the exam everyone will ask everyone how they thought they did and I won't be able to pretend I took it! For one thing, I'm too honest and wouldn't feel right about that but at the same time I'm not prepared to tell everyone who asks why I didn't sit the exam(s).

What do I dooo :/

Mixed bag

27 days to go.

Mood: Mixed bag of emotions

Feel weak. AGAIN. This isn't too pleasant, I'm propped up in bed - even though I'm fully dressed - with my laptop, phone and caramel nibbles that I can't stop stuffing my face with. Probably isn't helping. The heartburn came back pretty quickly, which I suppose is good in a roundabout way, because I wasn't drinking anywhere near as much as I used to - like a couple of litres a day - so I'm now gulping that much down again. At least my body is fairly healthy!

I sorted out a couple of things today so not a day completely wasted :P I went into uni to sort out my exams and collect some coursework that I passed by the skin of my teeth. Ughh close, but I am relieved! My head keeps lolling about like its too heavy...

After that, my best mate and I went to Hobby Craft, we've never been to the Plymouth one before now, it was a good opportunity for me to get out the house even for a little bit and I wasn't anxious about it, I didn't try to get out of it.....oh, well the thought might've passed my mind this morning, but I went :) it felt okay, I was happy for a bit and we didn't stay out long so I was glad about that, any longer and my mood might have started to spiral slowly.

As I got back and settled into my room, my boredom turned into frustration. To be fair, yesterday I managed to write almost 200 words towards my dissertation, yayy! So I only need to repeat that performance and be happy with what I've got. On Wednesday, the plan is whether I am happy with it or not, my enhanced enabler and I will be in the uni library to print it out, get it bound etc. Uhh it's got to be on CD as well :/ hmm I might have to do that tomorrow night then. That won't take much effort.

Do you like to browse certain shops, in person or online?

Buckling under pressure

Not feeling good. Feel so much pressure. I feel pushed at every angle to be a certain way and do certain things. I might do what I want, but it feels like I'm being squeezed on all sides by something fighting me to be other than how I am. It makes me feel guilty and light-headed like I've committed some crime by being me. Sometimes when I am honest with someone about something I'd like to do, whatever their response is I feel so judged and put down, whoever it is they don't approve even if they say it's fine. This can be so frustrating, I never feel truly free to do what I like.

Sometimes when I feel really boxed in, like I do now, breathing suddenly feels like hard work, my head hurts and I work myself up into a state. I feel weak, but I've eaten. I had enough for 2 people around 5 and I'm preheating the oven for pizza because I'm starving again. It's 9pm! Typing is tricky, my hands keep flopping off the keyboard like they are refusing to function, I get there in the end though, I just need a minute.

Let's punch it out!

28 days to go.

Mood: Up and running!

Had a lovely lie in and a good night's sleep with pleasant dreams, though I can't remember them now. After having a quick, hot shower I decided to take a little care into getting ready for the day, so I body lotioned myself from head to toe!

*lovely pampering feeling*

 

I'm not going out today, so I'm just in comfy shorts and my Pikachu top - I love it! Something that always makes me feel good is my skincare routine. I think the key is to see it as a pleasure rather than a chore and focus on the benefits. All my skincare is tea tree, so my face feels super duper fresh and clean afterwards :D Now, to work!

 

I'm in the mood to get things done and dusted today so I don't have to think about them ever ever again :P that's a big motivational point. The whole day is ahead of me and I am going to check things off my list :) I will, I will...

 

1) At least a few words towards dissertation

2) Figure out how you submit work electronically

3) Arrange some learning support meetings

4) Have tortelloni for dinner!

 

I've also decided to ring home every other day to keep communications up between myself and family, that is so important at this point.

Dream of having a pet

Will I ever get a dog or a cat? As the years creep by, I become more and more convinced that I will never have a pet. There's so much to think about and take into account like how to have a steady income while still have enough time to devote to your dog. If it's a cat, that isn't such a stressful thought process financially, but it is the loyalty and obedience that dogs have that appeals to me.

I love cats, I volunteered at cats Protection for a while just giving the cats and kittens attention - the best pastime EVER! - I just don't know if I would feel as much companionship, don't cats spend most of their time outside, exploring usually? Maybe it depends on the cat's individual personality, I suppose some won't be that bothered *sigh* I don't know. Both would be so stress relieving for me I believe, I think the pros would largely outweigh the cons.

There are several million pet dogs in the UK, how do people do it?! I don't understand, it is so frustrating. To be fair though, most of the dogs I like are in the pastoral group and they aren't exactly small :/ I do like Pembroke welsh corgis:

 

and shelties :)

 

 

We shall see if a dog comes my way, but in the mean time I will carry on dreaming.

Burned out

29 days to go.

Mood: Uneasy

Haven't felt 100% today. After being pretty productive (for me) yesterday, I wanted to keep the streak going, but I couldn't get out of bed. All I got up for was food or the bathroom, I tried to make lunch but I felt dizzy and thought I might faint or something so I went back to bed and my boyfriend finished preparing it, which was so sweet of him. I rang home earlier to see what family was up to and had a nice chat with mumma :) I feel a bit better with every call, I love calling home now!

I've managed to get up to make dinner and sit at my desk, so that's good. Gnocchi, yummo! If I didn't have anything that easy to make, I wouldn't be eating anything. I am terrible with looking after myself. My theory is that productive days will sometimes alternate between "burnout" days, so I am hopeful that tomorrow I will get a few things done :) I am so grateful that I have the support of my boyfriend - he has been looking after me all day and making me laugh.

Depression Awareness Week (26 April - 3 May)

I wanted to make a small, but very important post. On Facebook there are a few mental health pages that I have liked, so they come up on my news feed. I follow:

Mental Health Foundation
PTSD Break The Silence

They are both passionate about raising awareness and fighting the stigma that is mental health, which I will support all the way. I actually did a piece a short while ago for Mental Health Foundation and blogged about it - 'WHY MENTAL HEALTH IS STILL TABOO!!' on Thursday 10 April - so I know they want people to share their stories when able to. Unfortunately, not everyone just accepts your experience, some claim to be able to tell you're lying and things, but people need to say their peace regardless. I won't go into that, I've done that rant before!

Depression Awareness Week is from tomorrow, 26 April til next Saturday, 3 May and it is run by Depression Alliance.

 

Mental Health Foundation would love to hear from people who suffer/have suffered from depression and are brave enough to share their story with others to raise awareness. If you are interested, email them at press@mentalhealth.org.uk :)

Exams now or later?!

Today I am going to try to be productive. I have the possibility of doing my exams in August instead of May, which would give me the summer to revise. When I was told about it, my first thought was yes, I want to do that, because my main worries at the moment are that no matter how hard I revise, I don't have enough background knowledge to really be able to write good essays - this is for one of my exams, the other one I haven't thought twice about :/

 

I am going to think about it over this weekend - I can't think too long, the exams are just over a week away and if I decided to do them in August instead, my application would need a few days to be processed and validated - it isn't 100% definite that I would be allowed to.

 

So I am going to ring home and discuss it with mum to see what she thinks - though I have a good idea of what she will say: 'Why don't you give it a go now?', 'You might do better than you think.', 'Don't worry, you're very smart.'. Despite how I think the conversation will go, I still need to chat with mum about it, because I want to know that if I did them in August, she wouldn't think less of me in any way. It is so important to me.

 

On the to do list today then:

• Ring mum and discuss exam options
• Polish off dissertation
• Think up poster title

I will stress out too much if I make the list any longer than 3. It has always been a good strategy for me to just bullet point 3 tasks to do for the day and cross them off when they are done. Being productive is such a rare thing when your mood is constantly low, so to feel a sense of achievement does wonders :)

To medicate or not

29 days to go.

Mood: Good

 

So, back on the meds and feeling on the right track again. They aren't addictive, but they are a big help while I am in a tough place. Once my degree is over and done with, I will start to wind off them gradually.

 

My family don't really agree with medications, they prefer to use natural therapies and things which I totally understand, but with something like this a little chemical push is appropriate. Ultimately it's up to me, for most things I don't take stuff, I don't run to the medicine cabinet with every headache and I didn't take the decision lightly of course, it was just the right thing for me. My GP has always been really nice and genuine and always gives advice but reiterates that things are up to me, so she has never pushed me into anything :)

Before you get on track you need to find it

30 days to go.

Mood: Relieved

Wow, I feel like I can really breathe today! I met up with my learning support tutor this afternoon and actually stayed with her for a good while, which was great because as I expected, she made me feel somehow on top of things. I explained how I was feeling about everything and what I have coming up and between the two of us came up with a list of tasks for me to carry out and when by. Here's some of them:

1. Get medication - the main reason for my feeling of incapability will be largely due to me going through withdrawal from my meds and this is the worst possible time for that since it takes a couple of weeks for them to pass and my exams are in....yep, 2 weeks.
2. Enquire into exams and if extenuating circumstances are available.
3. Look into whether my presentation at the end of the year can be in a smaller room/ with less people or something.
4. Come up with a title for my poster.
5. Finish off and submit dissertation.

While I was on campus and feeling productive, I went off and did 2 and 3.

Enquire into exams.

Look into whether my presentation at the end of the year can be in a smaller room/ with less people or something.

 

Then after saying goodbye, I nipped into town and stocked up on medication.

 

Get medication.

 

So now all that is left is my dissertation and a poster title. Neither should be too much of a pain - my dissertation feels done already, it just needs bulking up in the odd place, and for the poster title I need to get in touch with my creative side :) I intended to go to the doctors surgery today, but waiting for my prescriptions took a good while - as usual - so it will have to wait til tomorrow I next bother to get out of my pjs :/

In good spirits!

Hoorah for my good mood tonight :D

My boyfriend had left his laptop charger at home and my old laptop was the same type which I happened to have here at uni, so he came over to use the charger :) I haven't been very active today - is it bad that I had a shower then got back into pyjamas? - but *drum roll please* I got some revision done!! YES! The rest of the time I just lolled about, feeling bored and watching funny animal compilations.

Admittedly some of my good mood goes towards him getting us domino's for dinner... I know, don't start telling me it's unhealthy :/ the fact is, I otherwise eat pretty healthily here. I have cut out so much: caffeine, sugar (apart from natural sugars in food), fizzy drinks or juice, sweets, chocolate, anything else junky that isn't coming to mind, chips, bread (will have it on rare occasion), meat...

I am sure that all students everywhere will eat more junk at this time of year than any other! You just can't be bothered to put something together, having nothing but revision on your mind messes up your diet usually. I will get on the berries to kick start my memory.... at some point.

Oooh mum rang me! :D
It was so nice for mum to ring, she was asking after me since I called home last night in tears. So I was glad to say I was feeling better today. Tomorrow afternoon I am seeing my learning support tutor, which I am looking forward to because I always leave our meet ups feeling better about myself and my academic potential - I am banking on her turning my mentality around because she's never failed me before! I will tell you how it goes of course :)

Let the countdown begin!

31 days to go

Mood: Content

I slept pretty well back here again, it was nice and quiet and I had a lie in too :) so that was relaxing. While I look around my room, it seems fairly tidy which is always a comfort for me, but there is always something I can organise to improve it.

Tidier environment = clearer mind

 

After speaking to family and crying on my boyfriend's mums shoulder before travelling down, I feel enough support so that I can just give the exams a go and I will still be loved afterwards. That might sound melodramatic I realise, but that really is how stressed I get about exams and it gets worse every year because I want my family to be proud, naturally. Sadly it just gets very 'life or death' in my mind and I forget that life goes on after sitting a paper, even after so many years of exams!

 

Ughhhhh and breathe Jess. I've made myself a lemon and ginger tea - I cut out all caffeine at uni - so this'll keep my throat from feeling too dry. I feel practically back to normal physically which is great, still the occasional cough but it is very weak so thankfully I don't think a chest infection is round the corner, yay! That reminds me, I was bad - I was supposed to make an appointment to see my GP for this week before the holidays and I never made one :/ oops. I'd better do that soon. Even though I had gotten used to ringing the surgery to make appointments I haven't done that in a while and I am nervous of it again. Maybe I will walk to the surgery tomorrow - it is only a 10 minute walk from my place, so convenient :)

5 tips for a mood boost

1. Keep a Gratitude & Highlights book - Every day, note down at least one thing you are grateful for and the best part of your day.
2. Give a compliment to one stranger every day.
3. Laugh as much as possible - Laughter can often be the best medicine.
4. Don't go to bed until you are shattered - Lying in bed awake results in overthinking and overanalysing.
5. Thank people - Your appreciation will be noticed.

Phooone hooome

Feeling much better!

I had just finished my last post when my laptop suddenly decided to restart, so I thought it a good opportunity to ring home. I partly didn't want to because I didn't want to upset my family hearing me cry over the phone, but I rang nonetheless. My sister answered the phone and we chatted for a while which was really nice, she makes me giggle :) then she passed the phone over to mum and mum assured me that it is only 5 weeks before I am home again, I should mark off the days one by one on my calendar - I have a massive year planner on my wall, perfect - and watch things that make me happy. I watch the same shows/films over and over again, mainly:

Vicar of Dibley

Modern Family

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Monsters University

The No1 Ladies Detective Agency

So I will count down the days, watch all the things that I love and that make me happy and enjoy my boyfriend's company as always (='^.^'=)

Oooh and they had good news! It was ironic that I mentioned the loss of the opportunity to be a guide dog puppy walker in my last post because a neighbour two doors down from home has the most stunning dog and she is a dog trainer and studied animal behaviour! My mum chatted to her and talked of me and the lady said she would be happy to give me advice and things :D How brilliant is that! Hope I can pet her dog, ooh it's the fluffiest big dog I've ever seen...

Mood U-turn, hoorah for family coming to the rescue!

Back to Studentville for the last time

Mood: Lost

I felt sick all morning with nerves, I've never felt so close to throwing up. So desperately want to just go home :'( I was struggling all morning to hold back the tears (I'm actually welling up again thinking about it) until I was in my boyfriend's room with him and I just burst into tears. He was talking to me and was being so supportive, then his mum saw and came and comforted me as well til I stopped crying. I just feel overwhelmed and completely defeated now. It is possible that it is to do with being stone cold off my meds which in hindsight was the worst thing to happen right now! Maybe I would have revised harder otherwise and felt more capable :/

Back in my uni flat by myself now - my flatmate is back in a few days - and I have unpacked and had dinner while watching one of my favourite sitcoms Modern Family. The thing is, I don't like a single thing about my current situation: living apart from my boyfriend, loud neighbours, heavily littered city, mouse problem in flat, activities left - dissertation, 2 exams and presentation - being constantly cold and shivery, bad skin from stress, pressure to do well, gloomy rainy weather, not having the hope of being a puppy walker for guide dogs to look forward to...

I think my biggest challenge is to not cry too much; strangely I feel so much like I did when I first moved here in September last year.

The sun has got his hat on!

Mood: Excitable

GORGEOUS WEATHERRRR!
Ugh what a mood boost :D I was a grumpy kitty again this morning but things perked up once I had a yummy lunch. Usually when I am upset I starve myself, but thankfully le boyfriend came to the rescue with a cup of tea, pineapple juice and a scone with jam and cream :)

*Jeremy Kyle show guests bellowing in background*

So things are very peaceful today.

I decided to wear a brand new, spring floral dress today because I was in the rare mood of wanting to make an effort. When I am round here, I usually want to look my best at all times, but I lost that drive a while back. Thankfully, my skin has been okay enough for me to go without makeup - even though I feel hideous.

Earlier, I was playing with the dogs in the back garden and I couldn't be happier! A U-turn from earlier; this morning I was going through a serious dip. I've been cold off my meds for over a week I think, so my bad moods have fallen to new lows - a particular danger at this point in the year, but with better communication with my family, I know that they are there for me now. A big plus :)

What is your spring style?

Grumpy kitty

Mood: Grumpy/growly

It might be 10am but I haven't got nearly as much sleep as I ought to to function well. My boyfriend is in a re-enactment event in Glastonbury today, it'll have all sorts of historic ages: vikings, Saxons, others that I don't know (I was never too good at History). I do want to see him in it, but I'm annoyed because I am used to waking up at home in peace - you can hear birds singing by my window and that's it - because my bedroom is the attic so I have my own floor really. No disrespect to his family, but everything echoes (like my uni flat) and everyone slams the doors. My dad and I share a hate of doors being slammed and when you're just waking up? Nope, Jess not in a good mood. Maybe after some breakfast and a shower I'll feel better....at home I have a shower/bath every other day, but here everyone showers daily so I feel like an ogre if I don't do the same :/ they might think I'm gross.

Does anything get under your skin?

Errands & Great British Sewing Bee

Mood: So comfortable

My mood has been very up and down today, I really couldn't pinpoint why I had a long dip throughout the day. Sometimes it's simply a matter of not being where I want to be. While we went out for errands:

I started to feel sick and was desperate for the bathroom in PC World.
I was grumpy while waiting in the car park of Mothercare for no darn reason.
Aldi was as busy as a G+Ts shop on Christmas Eve... I am going by imagination, of course... for some reason I was feeling so uncomfortable being shoulder to shoulder with dozens of other people. I am not one to be anxious in large crowds, but I felt very uneasy, like I was always in the way.

After getting back to the house (and scoffing an entire treat bag of peanut M&Ms), I started to feel better because I was soon in my happy place: bunched up on the sofa, catching up on the last series of Great British Sewing Bee with a cup of tea! Gradually I began to relax, so I am feeling better.

Haven't revised though. I had a mini panic about it in my head, but it hit me once more that I really don't stand a chance. Everyone who knows me will automatically say I am just being unconfident, I'm smarter than I think yada yada - NOPE. I don't get my exam subjects, only recently have I started to get to grips with it, but not to the point of sitting a paper! No! Maybe tomorrow? :/

Are you a tea fanatic?

Families meet-up / Pre-exam stress

Mood: Chilled

Today was the day mine and my boyfriend's parents would meet and it went really well. I couldn't have been happier! :D

I was actually pretty nervous of today, there was no way to predict how it would go. Although saying that, I knew my mum and his mum would get on - they both love crafts a lot - so that was comforting. I think maybe the main thing is I go on about my guy and his family a lot, I hear myself getting irritating and it is obviously bugging the hell out of my family :/ my bad. When I am passionate about something, I do rant endlessly. In the car, on the way here, almost the entire journey was spent with me ranting about environmental issues (revision... in a way) - with the odd game of 'I Spy' and humming tunes from The Aristocats. Everyone was very friendly and got on really well, so we were pretty pleased and we could both relax.

After my parents left, the house did instantly feel much quieter and I have to say, it wasn't fun saying goodbye to my parents. I will be seeing them again at the end of May though probably. Shortly after, I was joined by a heavy nose bleed - yay. I haven't lost that much blood in a while so that was a surprise, but I had a nose bleed yesterday as well - in the car on the way home! Aaaah the stress of the pre-exam period.

Happy morning mood

Mood: Happy

I will make a separate post about how my sleep is lately - it isn't good :/

On the up side, my throat is still a pain but better, hoorah! It is a lovely day today as well, blue skies yayy! It is supposed to be a bit warm and we are going out  - more charity shop visits today - so I am in a skirt with NO TIGHTS. Incredible! I don't want to wear too many layers in case I'll be trying things on, I'm thinking ahead see. For the first time in 3 weeks I am wearing makeup. Makeup is one of my passions so not even wanting to wear any or play with my products isn't usually a good sign. Yet saying that, I want to let my skin breathe over the holidays and I am only at home anyway - don't go out anywhere. Uhh sniffly nose..

Seeing my guy tomorroooooow yay! Can't wait to see him and curl up on the sofa together. My happy place is wherever I am with him :)

How is the weather where you are?

African Children's Choir

If you are into African music and culture, whatever you are doing (apart from reading this): stop and google 'African Children's Choir'! They are one amazing act!

It is actually run by a charity and the choir is made of young children from various African countries who are orphans or going through third world hardships with no education etc. They tour and basically raise money to fund centres and schools in Africa to give the choir members a golden ticket to be what they want to be. They are so talented!!

My mum, sister and I went to see them tonight and it was a fiver per ticket. THAT IS NOTHIIING. I have to be honest, I cried frequently! They were so inspiring. For me, what I was moved by was how much power they had and charisma and determination - they each in turn introduced themselves on stage and said what they wanted to be when they grew up! - and they were smiling through all their dances. African dance and music really hits home for me because it is so raw and energetic and uplifting, despite all the problems that Africa has to deal with.

These children are an inspiration to me and I feel motivated to see the positives whenever I can.

What is your favourite place/country in the world and why?

GREMLIN!

Mood: Good

Some revision was done today, but I have resorted to just going over the same two lectures over and over with some slim hope that something will go in at some point! Ah dear... I did something anyways :) I didn't cry though! I was upset all yesterday and this morning because I was dreading sitting down, trying to revise and not understanding any of it.

My mood feels like it is stabilising and I haven't had the confidence to go out and get my prescription - just don't want to touch on the subject of medication with my family. Since I never go out, if I did they would want to know why and I couldn't get away with 'I just felt like a walk'. Pff that's not me at all :P

Unfortunately I've been under the weather the past few days and gradually feeling worse. Not at all surprising considering the time of year. The exam build up always gets my body stressing. In my first year at uni, I was putting up with a chest infection for over 3 weeks, might have been a month I can't remember, and I was coughing constantly until, within a week of my exams, I felt this pop on my right side. I had ripped my intercostal muscles - the muscles in between the ribs - from coughing for so long. That was quite the dramatic night, a paramedic came to the student house and everything (bless my friends for ringing 999 for me!).

I am leaving for my guy's place on Good Friday so I really want to be at least on the mend in a couple of days - I don't want to arrive at his all sniffly and coughing and spluttering and sounding like a gremlin. Here's hoping! Sooo honey, lemon and ginger tea and soothing soups and things in store for moi :) OH and keeping up to date with AprilJustinTV!

What do you do to get yourself on the mend again?

Going out vs staying in

Mood: Restless

Mum and I were originally going to go for a 'Mum and Cub' day out today. At first we were going to Weymouth, then I said I'd rather go somewhere nearer because I would get bored if we were out the entire day and it would be a pricey trip, so it wouldn't be worth it. From there, we thought of a coupe of other places but I didn't feel good about it. I wanted to go if it made mum happy.

I plucked up the courage to be honest with mum this morning and she said she was happy to stay at home, the idea was to do something together. Well I think days out, scanning the shops, is very much mum and my sister's thing, whereas I am an indoors-y girl and would rather put the kettle on and play Phase 10 or be crafty :) I am doing a better job of opening up and explaining how I feel with mum; I said how I feel vulnerable outside and more anxious because I am out of my cubby hole and can't hide from problems. The more rural the area, the happier I am to be outside, green hills are more relaxing - less people, less hussle and bussle, more birds singing.

As I listened to myself describing the feeling to mum, it was gradually sounding a bit like agoraphobia - I don't reckon I am, but it is similar... possibly? Such a silly little Jess ^.^

Which do you prefer: city or countryside?

Guide Dog Call

Mood: Okay

I finally plucked up the courage to ring Guide Dogs this afternoon. It took a bit of building up to - I've been putting off for a few days - and spoke to a nice lady. Sadly it was a short phone call though, because Guide Dogs don't cover my area in their puppy walking scheme :( For a while I felt okay, just a bit gutted, but shortly after telling my mum and sister I was in tears on the sofa. Just couldn't keep it in, I was looking forward to it so much, I worked out my finances and prices of puppy things, I would daydream about what toys I could make for them. So surprising that they don't work in my area! Oh well. The lady suggested other assistance dog charities that I will look into. Really heartbroken though :'( It was comforting that my family were sad for me that it couldn't happen, I am starting to feel really supported by them in what I would like to do. An amazing feeling despite the news.

After crying on my sister's shoulder and her talking to me about it for a while, I felt much better. She said that this way might pave the way for something even better and things happen for a reason, maybe it is a lesson. Looking at it that way is nice and I am still hopeful of owning my own dog one day. It was the closest I ever got to having a pet which I have wanted all my life, so it was a big disappointment, but one day :)

Invisible moods

I had a dip when we got back out of the blue. Have no clue where it came from, but then do I ever..
There is a sofa that we don't sit on, it's mainly for guests that we have it, but it is my quiet place where I go in my invisible moods. Those times when I want to blend in with the background, completely silent and still, as if that will stop problems reaching me. It has been a... I guess a coping mechanism of mine for years, mostly for emotional comfort.

A very difficult mood to describe, because I want to be as invisible as possible.. while wanting to be near family so they are aware of my mood. Over the years I have learnt that they have no clue that I have struggled over the years because when my moods were low I would be by myself then be back with family when everything's fine. So if I didn't let them see the bad moments, how are they to know there were any?! It give my family a chance to see my dips for themselves and help me climb out of the dip and get me on my feet smiling again. This has been going well.

Don't hide away the bad stuff - let close ones see so they can truly support you.

Family outing in Hampshire

Mood: Comfortable

Today has been a pretty nice day. Last night we knew the weather would be quite nice today so my mum and sister were thinking of places we could go for a day out to enjoy the sunshine. I instinctively wanted to stay inside, I am perfectly happy without going out - a true indoorsy girl. My only thought of a nice place was the new forest in Hampshire, a little drive for us but a nice place: I could attempt some revision with some dog/people watching occasionally.

Thankfully the family knew that I would only want to come if we went there and it was nice. We made some picnic food for lunch and took foldup chairs. What amazed me was the fact that dad came with us - he liked nature but he never comes with us on days out, none of us could believe it! This made me so happy. Dad can get on our nerves truth be told, but for some reason I feel more comfortable with the family unit when dad is around.

I got a bit of revision done, though I can't say I was concentrating. If you've read a few of my blog posts you'll know that I would be staring at the dogs 95% of the time!

Oh here we go...

*long sigh*

And so it begins. Today was the first moment with the 'old' family. I know they seem like small things that shouldn't be thought twice about but after a life-long supply, it gets irritating. Just telling me to put some blush on. No, I can't put some blush on actually, I am going to deliberately ignore your 'tips'! If I look lifeless, fine, at least it is my decision. Why can't I look how I want? I am 21, I am very self-conscious physically so just- just don't point these out for me.

When my sister and I went charity shopping the other day, I bought a top that had a slight cowl neckline, so it dips and I am wearing it today. My sister was saying you sure you don't want to wear a top underneath? Look! 1) It isn't see through, 2) I'm not exactly blessed around the chest region and 3) It may not be how you'd wear it, but my style is vastly different to yours and I flippin' well like it!

*grumble grumble*

Planning Etsy / Medication

Mood: Creative

Yeah revision, I know. I will try to do some today. The fun part of the day for me - or more fun - is putting together a business plan for my Etsy shop. I am also going to look at costing for my materials today, let's see how many numbers I can come up with :) I am feeling hopeful, though the cost part might be a bit tedious but hey - gotta be done! Reading lots of articles online and it is better to plan and make goals and things before you crack on with the fun part and I don't mind that - I am all for planning!

So revision will happen at some point. I got upset with it all yesterday, I only really managed around half an hour of proper revision, but my family cheered me up reminding me that it is better than nothing and qualifications aren't everything.

I have been worried about my mood because I ran out of my medication a couple of days ago. I have a prescription for another 2 months worth, but I need to do it subtly. My family know I have been on medication the past several months, but I feel they would see this as their window of opportunity to preach to me how they aren't a good idea. I have been feeling pretty good regardless though, so that's a major relief!

My brain is melting / Birthday excitement

Mood: So utterly bored

I'm sure every student at this point in the year hates life. Just so glad this is the last time I'm going through this! I suppose better I know some small bits well than attempt all topics and not remember anything :/ this is the strategy I have come to using. If my revision is more concentrated, at least I will feel confident in a part of it right :)

All I want to do is research into starting an etsy business or listening to Disney tunes while I cross stitch with a cup of tea at hand! 6 weeks today til my degree is over, yaaaayy! My birthday is gunna be fab this year! It looks like I will be home for it and I don't mind that :) Maybe I'll go out for a meal with the parents or mum will make me a birthday pavlova or something :D I prefer pavlova to cake by miles.....unless it's lemon flavoured AAAHH! Lemon meringue pie, lemon tart, lemon cheesecake: I'm there.

Do you have anything to look forward to?

Best friend meet-up / Sister chat

Mood: A bit on edge

So it is obvious how I was feeling in my last post. In the middle of the night. I wouldn't have been able to get any sleep if I hadn't posted about it and got all my thoughts out, so I felt much better afterwards :)

Anyhow, on to a good day! I am feeling okay this morning, I have a to do list next to me for the morning so I do everything I need to, keeping me on track - aaah the calming quality of lists. I am seeing my oldest and best friend today and I have missed her a lot, so I am so excited to see her! We have been best friends since year 7 so we've known each otherrrrr *thinks it over*..... a long time. 10 or so years? Love her to pieces, she has a little girl so I'm looking forward to seeing what words she can say now! Reaching her second birthday I think this October :)

I am feeling on edge though because at some point, I will have to give revision another go and yesterday... did not go well. Basically, I was trying to listen to lecture audio files and after a while I started crying. I simply couldn't understand what my lecturer was talking about! The subject is new to me this year and there is a 70% weight to the exams. No chance. Nope.

So I started crying and thought I should go downstairs to have some lunch. My sister was by the kitchen and I cried so hard! She kept talking to me about it which helped immensely. I was saying things like 'I'm the runt of the litter', 'I don't want the family to be disappointed if I fail', 'I want mum to be proud' and all this. I felt so much better afterwards, because my sister insisted that they are proud of where I have got to and will remain proud no matter what, qualifications aren't everything, you can do well and be happy anyway, you tried etc. After lunch, we went out charity shopping and each got a couple of things which was great! My wardrobe is miniscule. My boyfriend's wardrobe is four times the size of mine!

What do you think of charity shops?

WHY MENTAL HEALTH IS STILL TABOO!!

You know what, I am so livid right now.

I contacted the Mental Health Foundation and told them my mental health story, which they then posted on their facebook page this week. Comments were flowing quite rapidly and I was so happy and grateful to see so many people saying well done, all the best, you are so brave, thank you for sharing, you are in inspiration - I couldn't believe the response I got! :)

My post on Mental Health Foundation's facebook page

And yet there were some who just had to bring down the mood. I know I know, you won't get on with everyone, but damn - some people's comments were... surprising.

'Ridiculous!'

'Most people struggle after trauma, but a film?!'

'It's just actors'

'You weren't kidnapped or held at gunpoint, don't call your problem PTSD'

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise there was a set criteria FOR EVERY SUFFERER! Others were on my side, saying some comments should be cancelled which made me feel better, but honestly I am not upset for me, I am upset because this is exactly why mental health sufferers suffer in silence! So long as people are insensitive and judgemental, claiming some people are just hypochondriacs or exaggerating or whatever, sufferers will never want to open up!!

It is ridiculous, why are we shrugged off as if we are making it up to get attention, do people genuinely believe that?! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Oh and don't for goodness sake tell me that my trauma wasn't trauma, that I'm being silly by blaming a film, that it's acting so it doesn't count. And people ask me why I didn't get help until several years had passed...

When I was young, I was too embarrassed to admit it to any of my friends because my friends used to watch horror films at the same age and enjoy them, telling people as if it was a medal of honour. If I said I was haunted after watching one, they would have all laughed in my face saying I was being a baby. It seems, however old I am, there will always be someone who thinks that.

I am just glad that many people commented on my post reiterating that PTSD and the trauma is HIGHLY individual, so what is trauma for one person may not affect someone else in the slightest. It is so sad that people suffer because of what people might say and I don't blame them for keeping quiet, for the longest time that felt like the safer option, but opening up shouldn't be to find out what other people think, it is about release and letting it out so it isn't contained anymore. Preferably, open up in a GPs office. I highly recommend it.

If you are embarrassed about opening up, bite your lip and see a GP. It is their job to help and they do not judge - they see different cases every single day.

No guide dog puppy / No revision

Mood: Low

Don't flippin caaaaaare. Nope. Life is not working.
After spending months trying to make my case to my family about becoming a puppy walker when I move back home, things have gone sour. Wait though, my mum said I could ring Guide Dogs and arrange it yesterday. What's wrong then, you say? I have given it a great deal of thought and I have decided against it after all.

We just can't afford something like this, not right now at least. Technically I have enough money, but I need to financially help my family and I won't have much to give if I am raising a guide dog puppy. Maybe it is best to just hold off the dream and give my family more help with some additional income.

I still want to give the Etsy shop business my best shot because it involves my love for cross-stitch - yes, young people still like crafts in 2014 - so hopefully I can pay my parents rent and afford to work through Etsy at least for a while. It'll probably be the most enjoyable job I'll have in my life, but I'm trying not to think like that! My main hope now is that my mum gives me a chance to try to make something of it, rather than shrugging it off as a little girl's silly project that will last a day.

Revision? Nope, don't go there. Every time I sit down with the intention of punching out some revision - I say punch to get myself motivated to study - I look at some notes and instantly shut down. Now, don't misunderstand me. I have never been a slacker, I do try and hate leaving things to the last minute. It's not just that I can't be bothered, but I don't even want my degree any more! I said to my mum the other day, I am passionate about my subject, but maybe in a sidelines, non-biologist way.

What hobbies do you have?

Medication Trouble?

Ugh, feel sick.

For a couple of days I've been feeling constantly sick, whether hungry, full, whatever. Today has made me feel a little uneasy with my meds, because I had a sort of internal hiccup which brought up to my throat what felt like powder, like inside a pill. It tasted disgusting and I was scared to properly bring it up, so I rushed to the kitchen to get a drink to wash it back down. It happened again a little later and I did the same.

A month or so ago, I told the GP I was getting this feeling as if the pills weren't going down and they were stuck in my throat, she told me not to worry, that it is like heartburn and a side effect that many people get. I don't worry about it anymore, but I am looking forward to getting off medication in all honesty.

Feel so siiiiiick. Bleurgh.

I don't care anymooooore!

Mood: Bored to tears

Trying to revise by reading up on current articles on the website Farmers Weekly. I can't imagine a more boring thing to do. I have no motivation whatsoever, I have completely given into the idea that I will be working with my FdSc rather than a BSc. I'd be more likely to want to revise if I was six feet under...

Can't remember the last time I was this far from wanting to work. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE! Aaaaaargh everyone's like keep going, try your hardest, not far now- just shut uuuup, you do it if you think it's such a good idea, I can't take it any longer, I just want out!!

I know I started this last academic year with no desire whatsoever to be studying once more. My best mate was so psyched to be at a big, proper uni whereas I could easily have just gone home and started to live. At this point, I am now wondering whether I will even care how I do in my exams. Maybe I won't show up for my dissertation presentation at the end of the year, I couldn't care less what the consequences are, technically I have a degree already.

I used to think my foundation degree stood for nothing and this year would give it its value - now, my foundation degree will do and I will do the best with what I have. I have never failed a job interview, so I am confident I can do well regardless.

During my gap year, when I was working full time, my bosses were horrible and I came home to cry after most of my shifts - but I was happier then than I am now, I think. I found a new job and changed my situation and after uni, I will be able to do that again I'm sure :)

How do you power through?

(ooh it rhymes!)

Bring on the 40s!

Mood: Happy

So today should be a fun day. The weather's rubbish as it has been every single day, but hey ho, I'm in the UK so I'm darn well used to it. I am seeing an old friend who is now studying photography at university - it was always a fun hobby of hers - and we will be doing a photo shoot! EEEEE!!! :D

Fun times to be had! It will be the second shoot I have done with her but that was a long while ago, I recon she's learnt a ton since then, so I'm looking forward to seeing how these photos turn out. I have a pretty 40s dress and red mary jane shoes, what could go wrong? Aaah, exciting. It'll be a good catch up at the same time :) She has her own health problems too so I enjoy talking to her, it really hits home that so many other people face problems, particularly with others close to them.

After talking to my mum forever about the prospect of me being a puppy walker after uni, I now have to go through my finances with mum - income and expenses - to see whether I would be financially stable enough to take on a puppy. If that comes through looking good, then mum and dad will chat and if they are happy, I will apply before Easter is out!

The main issue is having some kind of income at the same time, but the plan of an Etsy shop is breeding and everyone is pitching in with ideas :) This makes me so happy, I can feel the support of my mum and sister behind me with the idea. Of course, again, I need to look at costings etc but that isn't completely new to me - I took business studies in my first year, go me!

What is your favourite era?

March Thank Yous

I am going to aim to do a thank you post at the end of every month to show my appreciation of others in my life.

Thank you to:

My boyfriend, who has been by my side supporting me through everything.

 

My academic support at uni; my enhanced enabler and learning support tutor. March was by far the most stressful month in my course and your help and belief that I could do it got me through this tough time.

 

My mum for still wanting to hear from me and seeing how I am.

 

My best mate at uni for being there for me when I need her and just being her kind, lovely self.

 

Anyone in my life who knows about my mental health and treats me exactly the same. I cannot describe how much that means to me.

 

People who read my blog. Yes, you! Having this blog was so I could get my thoughts and feelings out, but having people read my posts makes me feel like I am doing good for other people. Hopefully my blog can reach someone in similar situations so they know someone else has been there.

 

Thank you.

Saturday Crafternoon

Mood: Excited!

I got so much sleep, almost 12 hours, ha! Well on and off after about half 8, but it was lush all curled up in my 13.5 tog duvet with winter pjs AND the massive fur throw. This made me happy from the start of the day, I woke up feeling ready for the day ahead, though I was still yawning my head off so it didn't look like it.

It's remarkable how a couple of days with my family saying nice things about my appearance can boost my self-confidence. I've not been feeling judged, but instead they give the odd compliment, which is wonderful and making me feel good about myself! Happy bunny :)

We had an afternoon of crafts. My mum, sister, myself and a few of my mum's friends were in our living room each with our own little projects. Chatting away with cups of tea and cake, I felt very much at home in their company. I will never be the sort of girl who wants to go on nights out and drink and stuff, a few years ago I would have felt bad about that, as if I was hurting someone, but now I am trying to stop apologising for who I am and be happy with what makes me happy! Sounds like it goes without saying, but it's true. I was looking for inspiration for baby designs to cross stitch and my sister can draw pretty well, so we chatted over what I was thinking of and she drew an adorable little elephant! It is so cute - holding onto the strong of a balloon that says 'baby boy' :D I have already almost finished the elephant, I reckon if I work on it tomorrow that will be done, hoorah!

My mood did start to dip when the topic of what I will do after my course came up, particularly in conjunction with the guide dog puppy training idea I had in mind. To be honest, I gave up on the idea mainly because I was sick of people saying I would have to really analyse my finances blablabla which I am aware of. It can be irritating when people assume you haven't thought things through. I have done a fair amount of research and yeah I would need to see how far my money could stretch. The whole subject for some reason gets me irritable and angry. Maybe if mum is willing to sit down with me one afternoon and we can look at how much rent she would charge me for etc, then something might come from that but I have no hope that it will ever manifest :/ it might just have to wait til I live somewhere else and I have more saved up to last me through.

Thankfully, this leads me onto the best part of the day in my opinion (and the insane lie-in was hard to beat). So, when we were discussing possible ways for income while puppy training, my mum's friend suggested income online, like through sales of some sort. That got me thinking. My sister and I quickly thought of the possibility of me starting up an Etsy store and making some small cross-stitch designs, maybe some customizable ones with a shabby chic feel! What an exciting ideaaaaa :D of course, I would have to do my research around material costs and see what is already out there, but that instantly feels doable - I just want to jump on the bandwagon and start doing it now!!

How creative are you?

A good step

Mood: Happy!

Gosh I need more sleep *yawwwn* I've been sleeping 9 hours and it isn't enough, I need a bit more. That will sound ridiculous to many, but when I get 11 hours I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go. Sleeping Beauty Syndrome I guess.... wait, now I look really vain...bugger.

Today has most definitely been a good day, in particular for my relationship with my sister :) we went out for lunch together and had a good chat and a real laugh! After a while there, we went to the main library to work - I got a fair bit of revision done, yay! - then went to a couple of shops in town. It was honestly so great, I felt like we were our old selves again. At lunch, she talked to me as a sister - we talked about boys, nights out, fun times - and that doesn't happen too often, it's usually a second mother sort of thing. At least, that's how it feels on my end, I know she doesn't intend to come across that way!

There are certain things I feel like I shouldn't do out of fear of getting judged. Watching tv for example, if I watch any during the day - even though I'm on a break - I look lazy compared to my family members running around me like ants on a mission. Other things like experimenting with colourful makeup, having a lie in i.e. sleep in til after 8am, having a PJ day - aren't I supposed to be allowed this kind of thing on occasion?! Okay, so no one tells me that I cannot do these things and that would be their argument point, but a lot of anxiety I have in my family house is from body language and vocal tone, I rely very heavily on these to look beyond what people are actually saying, but anyway, back on what I got up to today...

We had a good laugh and it felt like one giant leap in the right direction, so I am so happy about that. After stuffing our faces at dinner, my sister, mum and I went to see a Gypsy Jazz group. That might sound like a crazy mix, but it was amazing, they are incredible and soo talented! If you are into that kind of sound, they are called Gypsy Fire! Go check them out :D

We didn't get back til late, hence why I am typing away in bed, trying to make my feet feel less like ice ice baby. All in all, a day worth having for Jess Marie, woo!

What kind of music do you like?

Dear 12 year old me...

Dear 12 year old me

I want to start off by apologising from the bottom of my heart for what you will go through this year. You will soon change completely and it will be all thanks to one night. You will forget who you used to be, so cherish all the happy moments while you can.

After that night, you will want to hate your friend but you can't. This won't make any sense to you until your friend comes to sleep over and she shows you what she brought with her. Do not blame her afterwards or tell her, she is not to blame. You are both too young to understand what will happen. Telling her about it will make her feel terrible and you won't be any better for it, it will not get rid of the problem. You will have to live with it and get through each day and that happens by focusing on yourself.

Tell your family and if it lasts a few months, tell mum to take you to the doctors. Please, please insist and don't let it go. It will be a good decision and you will get help early on in your life before you grow and begin identifying it as a part of you. I am so sorry you will have to deal with this at such a young age, if only you could have been stronger and told your friend that you weren't going to watch it. None of your friends will understand at this point and if you don't admit you need help, this will eat away at you.

You deserve better than this. You will always have strong values and morals and won't give in to peer pressure, but on this one occasion you will and you will regret it for the rest of your life. Things will get easier, but it will take a long time. If you seek help sooner, the problem will not grow so powerful and it will be easier for you to move on with your life.

Please just be strong, I am begging you to get help.

All my love, Jess

XxXxX

Buzzing like a bumblebee!!

Mood: Buzzing

So I have some ideas that I want to share, do tell me what you think. I want to search online for plants we can grow in our garden for butterflies and bees, important species that are dwindling. Then I had the thought of making some flyers and posting them down my street, just briefly saying how important bees are. I just came up with the thought of putting both plans together!

If I bought some seeds for a plant that is good for pollinators, I could put a few in small bags, attach them to each flyer and simply ask my neighbours to plant them in their garden! I don't care that this will cost me, all I will have to buy are the seeds, which I would be doing for our own garden anyway. This way, it makes a much greater impact!

I would probably have to think carefully about how many flyers to make and who to send them to, not all people will listen or care. Maybe if I go by their front gardens to see if they take care of the plants and things, then those people may be more likely to go ahead with it. I could put my email address on the flyer and ask if they can email me if they have planted them so I know how many people took up the idea!

If anyone isn't interested, maybe they can give them to friends or family who would :D This is getting me super excited!! Mum could even spread the word through her colleagues at work and pass them around.

 I am buzzing like a bumblebee!

Revision begins / Parent pride

Mood: So-so

Yes, a mixed bag today, not too bad. Medication has been doing its job well, didn't get as much sleep as I'd like so I was fairly unmotivated to do much throughout the day. Saying that, I am happy to say that I really revised this morning, I wrote 3 pages of notes on sustainable agriculture, nitrate pollution and farming monocultures. Brainaaaache. Just reading around the subject gets me into a panic, I feel so darn incapable of remembering any of this. I may as well doodle my way through the exam paper, drawing trees and gardening equipment.

My mum and dad actually made me feel better about it though. After dinner, we were all sat in the living room. My sister stayed on her phone while my parents chatted to me about not worrying about after the degree yet and job searching, they said they were proud of how far I have got because I mentioned how I strongly believe I won't pass this final year and get a BSc. I already have a FdSc, so I technically have a degree, it wouldn't be all bad. A Bachelor's just feels beyond my capabilities - I genuinely don't think I am simply being unconfident.

Do you have any good revision tips/strategies?

Home positives

Mood: Driven

Okay, so today I want to really focus on creating positive association to my family (.... besides my revision, ughh). First off, I am going to list what I can that is good about being home:

• Getting away from streets smothered in loud, drunk students
• Sleeping solidly through the night thanks to the lack of loud, drunk students
• Catching up with my best friend
• Spending time with family without le boyfriend (so my family don't start to resent him, though I could happily be with him every single day!)
• Not worrying about how far I can stretch my money out today
• No mice scurrying about in the walls
• No loud, drunk students in the flat above making a constant racket (technically, no flat above at all)
• TV!!
• Nice food!
• More space i.e. an actual living room, a dining table...

Every day at home is a new chance for me to show my family who I am and a new chance for them to try to get to know me better.

I have to turn my home environment into a positive space again, I am spending the next 3 weeks here and will be moving back in June! The last thing I need is to create more obstacles for myself to get through, so I will do what I can to make the family situation at least a bit easier.

What do you like about your family?

Dad's smoking / First night back home

Mood: On edge

Got home today. I have been so emotional, tomorrow can only be better.
It was a gorgeous sunny day and when dad arrived we showed him around, he met the dogs, had some lunch, it was great :) He even suggested taking a picture of my boyfriend, myself and the dogs in front of the house which was really nice in the warm weather.

The drive, however *sigh* my dad and I talked the entire drive home and I was so emotional. I went from really happy to sad to crying really hard to happy again. Full circle. It was going so well and he didn't upset me, but our topics tend to merge together and we found ourselves talking about his smoking habit.

My dad has smoked all my life and it always upset me - I was little and didn't need to know much to realise smoking is bad for you. I used to hide his cigarettes, thinking that that was all it would take for him to not smoke. He yelled at me a few times when he really wanted one - I grew up gaining understanding about the habit, but nothing ever changed my opinion, if anything it made me more against it. Probably what made me so immune to peer pressure which....in a roundabout way, is a good thing, but that's besides the point!

Things looked up though, mum called to find out how far we were from home and it got me to stop crying. We then moved back on to a nice topic again :) complete U-turn! Uhhh how tiring...

After getting home, things went okay. Dinner was yum, chatting went more smoothly than I expected and we actually had a laugh. Afterwards, I got to have a bath. I loooooooooove a relaxing, hot bath! Especially with some lush products :D then I came up to my room to unpack and arrange things around my room which also relaxes me. Now that it is past 10pm I will get ready for bed. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

What do you do on a sunny day?