Sink or swim?

Mood: Heavy

Powering through my work today. Or trying to, rather. I am managing to be productive and I am taking some breaks but I feel like with every half hour another brick is put on my chest. This feels so heavy duty, everyone is crashing though. It really is crunch time, I don't intend to go through this again so this is it. In 2 weeks I will have given in my final ever piece of coursework. That is motivation if ever there was any I suppose!!

The day has gone by pretty quickly though, which I am grateful for. Snuggled up in bed fully clothed, salted popcorn to my left, cuddly toy to my right, laptop in front of me.

I am really hating this time of year. Yes, I've been feeling more upbeat lately but today I am feeling the weight of these coursework pieces in full force. Seeing everyone else the same way does not make for a stress free environment. I feel like I'm underwater trying to save myself while watching others sinking and unable to resurface. We are all suffocating. I am so ready to graduate and finish. Everyone I know has considered dropping out, but we are still here.

My boyfriend is working through the night in the uni library, which I wish he didn't have to do. He works so hard bless him and not allowing himself any breaks. It's like looking at how I used to study, quite eerie really. He knows what he is doing, but I don't think he can see any better way of getting all his work done. I'm trying to understand what his work is exactly, but it is baffling and confusing!

I saw a website this morning about how to comfort and support a loved one who is depressed. It was a great page, it had a comparative list of bullet points on what to say and what not to say. I remember reading it and thinking 'My sister has said all of those not to say points to me'.

I was telling my enhanced enabler how frustrating it was for me, to be advised to do things I already am well aware of. A while after talking to my sister, I remember talking to mum about why it bothered me and she turned me into the victim! 'She's only trying to help!', 'She meant well', 'Her intentions were good' 'She wants to be there for you'. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH! Great. I can't turn to my mum about anything it seems, because I always become the bad guy and my sister is the innocent angel who does everything right. If I was honest and blunt to my sister about something and I was right, mum would probably tell me I shouldn't have said it!!

Today, I am willing to sink.