Flashback: Destruction / Grandma

When my anger problems were at their worst, I became very destructive. Mentally and literally. I would wreck my bedroom, turn furniture upside down, throw aerosols down my attic stairs and watch them spin out of control as they hit the floor. I got scissors and ripped wood out of my mirror frame. Then I would calm down from my 'turn' and look at all the damage I'd made in my room and just cry for a long time. Very difficult times :/

I used to feel like a volcano with a time bomb that was set off by anything and everything - birds singing in the morning, my CD player jumping, anything a family member would say. Everything caused me to erupt. This fire was alight in my stomach 24/7 and it lived there for a few years. I remember my mum crying, now I look back maybe a part of her was scared. I don't recall ever hitting anyone or damaging any other part of the house, only my bedroom. It was self-destruction, in that way I took my own anger out on myself and my own possessions.

Probably stemmed from my grandma passing away - I felt closest to her out of my whole family and I felt abandoned. I missed her so much and I didn't grieve properly, I didn't get closure. A few very strong memories stand out to me from when I was young and one of them was when my family went up north for her funeral but I wasn't allowed to go - I had to go to school. As if I was going to be able to concentrate and take anything in!! I developed a lot of hate towards my mum for that and it took me years to calm the fire down. Even now, I cannot forgive that. As if they felt I was too young to care or they shrugged off my hurt, thinking I'd get over it. Everyone else went, I had a right to go just as much as everyone else!!! As if I wasn't a member of the family and it wasn't my place.

 

Well congrats family, that's how I feel now and I'm in my twenties.