Mood: Knackered
I've been awake since 6. It was my fault, my boyfriend is a radiator and I went to bed all wrapped up: mistaaaake. So I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as if I'd been sleep-exercising. Disgusting haha. Yep, so I've not been able to switch off since 6 *yaaaawn* Thankfully, the dogs wanted to go outside, so I let them out for a sec and I scampered off to the living room and here I am! In my panda pyjamas on the sofa with AprilJustinTV playing in the background.
When I miss out on sleep I am such a moody thing! You know I need around 11 hours a night at best, but I can have a bit less than that. If I get 8 hours or less I turn into a bad kitty, I just want to scratch peoples eyes out, BUT! After catching up a little with AprilJustinTV, I figured it isn't the end of the world, I'll just hope for a better night tonight :) so that's made me feel much happier.
Monday 31 March 2014
Sunday 30 March 2014
Hot dogs in the sun and in my tum
So today is the day. I have been feeling fine up to this point though, hoorah!
My boyfriend's half brother and his girlfriend briefly came over today which causes mixed feelings for me. She is sweet and nice, but I always want the ground to swallow me up or to leave. I think it is to do with how I feel next to my sister and when his girlfriend is here she takes up that position and I feel really small and insignificant, like I do at home. Like I said though, she is lovely :)
I woke up thinking of wishing my boyfriend's mum happy mother's day before thinking of my own - that's bad, isn't it? :/ I did ring home, but I believe mum is at church so I will ring again after some hot dogs for lunch. NOM NOM NOM!!
It is so relaxing watching the greyhounds lying in the sun, all toasty. Watching any animals lying in the sun is so calming :)
My boyfriend's half brother and his girlfriend briefly came over today which causes mixed feelings for me. She is sweet and nice, but I always want the ground to swallow me up or to leave. I think it is to do with how I feel next to my sister and when his girlfriend is here she takes up that position and I feel really small and insignificant, like I do at home. Like I said though, she is lovely :)
I woke up thinking of wishing my boyfriend's mum happy mother's day before thinking of my own - that's bad, isn't it? :/ I did ring home, but I believe mum is at church so I will ring again after some hot dogs for lunch. NOM NOM NOM!!
It is so relaxing watching the greyhounds lying in the sun, all toasty. Watching any animals lying in the sun is so calming :)
What do you find relaxing?
Saturday 29 March 2014
Introvert 'me' time
What a chilled evening we've had :)
Got some yummo food for the next couple of days for when le boyfriend and I play house - his parents are going away for a week - followed by a delicious Indian takeaway! Mmmmm indian...
After coming up with some ideas of things to keep me busy over Easter, I am feeling better about being home. If I keep focussed on mini projects, my anxiety won't have the opportunity to kick in over any situation it can get hold of. As soon as there's a little awkwardness, my anxiety fires up with so many questions. Do they even like me? Am I doing something wrong? Have I said something I shouldn't have? Have I been rude or disrespectful in some way to make them want to ignore me?
Got some yummo food for the next couple of days for when le boyfriend and I play house - his parents are going away for a week - followed by a delicious Indian takeaway! Mmmmm indian...
After coming up with some ideas of things to keep me busy over Easter, I am feeling better about being home. If I keep focussed on mini projects, my anxiety won't have the opportunity to kick in over any situation it can get hold of. As soon as there's a little awkwardness, my anxiety fires up with so many questions. Do they even like me? Am I doing something wrong? Have I said something I shouldn't have? Have I been rude or disrespectful in some way to make them want to ignore me?
Constant analysing, analysing, analysing... so knackering
I've gone to bed to relax a little by myself and wind down. You can be around the most wonderful company but still need some 'me' time, you know? All the introverts out there get what I mean! 'Me' time can never be replaced, it is when I 'recharge' and centre myself again. It is so hard to explain to people who love being around people all the time, they see nothing good in being by yourself.
Although thinking about it, I am not sure whether preferring my own company (mostly) is more beneficial or a hindrance for me :/
Are you an introvert or extrovert? Do you like alone time?
Feeling Sick / Easter Ideas
Mood: Bleurgh
I get travel sick almost every way possible and in the countryside you have to drive everywhere. For longer journeys, I will take a tablet beforehand, but today's errand wasn't too long. I felt so ill in the car, my goodness :( it makes my outlook very negative, to me there is no worse feeling than when you feel like you're going to throw up! If I do, I cry really hard and get upset for no particular reason - I just get emotional (some would say 'When aren't you emotional?!').
Sooo cold. I don't know anyone who gets as cold as me, weird looks are always passed my way when I say I am cold. If I had a fireplace, I would never leave it! There's a fireplace in their living room here and if it is on, I am fighting the dogs for the warmest spot in the room :P
During the Easter holidays, I would really like to give myself a project to do. I have a few ideas:
I get travel sick almost every way possible and in the countryside you have to drive everywhere. For longer journeys, I will take a tablet beforehand, but today's errand wasn't too long. I felt so ill in the car, my goodness :( it makes my outlook very negative, to me there is no worse feeling than when you feel like you're going to throw up! If I do, I cry really hard and get upset for no particular reason - I just get emotional (some would say 'When aren't you emotional?!').
Sooo cold. I don't know anyone who gets as cold as me, weird looks are always passed my way when I say I am cold. If I had a fireplace, I would never leave it! There's a fireplace in their living room here and if it is on, I am fighting the dogs for the warmest spot in the room :P
During the Easter holidays, I would really like to give myself a project to do. I have a few ideas:
- Create an eco garden
- Make some sort of rainwater collection tank or tub
- Make a pathway so that the rainwater collected travels over the plants and waters them
- Turn my room into a sanctuary - fairy lights, wall art transfer
Do you have a project you'd like to do some time this Easter?
Countryside!!
Ahh, I love being surrounded by green fields, it is so relaxing and calm :)
And the dogs are as gorgeous as ever - I give them a lot of attention when I am here! Two beautiful sand-coloured greyhounds - Sonny and Susky (I think that's how their names are spelt).
First day away from ui and I slept so darn well. Waking up to the sound of little birds singing is one of the best things in the world, it puts me in such a wonderful mood. Better than car after car after car, then loud students, chavs, drunken people shouting and 'singing'. The Easter holidays are off to a good start :)
Mother's Day tomorrow and I am feeling okay. I asked my boyfriend to make sure I don't wallow - I don't want the day I lost my friend to be a miserable day, I want to take it as an opportunity to think of all the fun times I had with him over the years :) shame it is Mother's Day, I don't want to take anything away from my mum on her special day. She deserves it. I am nervous of tomorrow because I see myself suddenly bursting into tears if I think of him for even a minute. He wouldn't want me to be upset and sad.
Anyway, we are going to do some food shopping in a little bit, a nice little outing. My boyfriend's mum always puts me in the best mood - here is my happy place! She is so bubbly and friendly :) the best company I can have.
And the dogs are as gorgeous as ever - I give them a lot of attention when I am here! Two beautiful sand-coloured greyhounds - Sonny and Susky (I think that's how their names are spelt).
First day away from ui and I slept so darn well. Waking up to the sound of little birds singing is one of the best things in the world, it puts me in such a wonderful mood. Better than car after car after car, then loud students, chavs, drunken people shouting and 'singing'. The Easter holidays are off to a good start :)
Mother's Day tomorrow and I am feeling okay. I asked my boyfriend to make sure I don't wallow - I don't want the day I lost my friend to be a miserable day, I want to take it as an opportunity to think of all the fun times I had with him over the years :) shame it is Mother's Day, I don't want to take anything away from my mum on her special day. She deserves it. I am nervous of tomorrow because I see myself suddenly bursting into tears if I think of him for even a minute. He wouldn't want me to be upset and sad.
Anyway, we are going to do some food shopping in a little bit, a nice little outing. My boyfriend's mum always puts me in the best mood - here is my happy place! She is so bubbly and friendly :) the best company I can have.
What do you like most about the countryside?
Friday 28 March 2014
You look...interesting
Mood: Tense
Can't relax. I wanted to blog this morning but my laptop was packed. My boyfriend's father picked us up this morning and now we are at theirs. Aaah the countryside really is lovely.
I felt awful all morning, like I was going to faint. Feeling light-head, I cried a little thinking 'I shouldn't dread going home, seeing family'. It will hopefully be better than I am imagining, but only time will tell :/ I am in a better place mentally than the last time I was home, at Christmas, which gives me hope that the home environment will be easier and not feel so heavy.
At its worst, I feel suffocated with their judgement. Every time they see me for the first time in the day, my sister's eyes go up and down me, analysing my appearance. My mum doesn't do that, or not that I've noticed, but when I would feel like doing more colourful makeup she would snigger or say 'You look...interesting, sweetie!'.......thanks?
Can't relax. I wanted to blog this morning but my laptop was packed. My boyfriend's father picked us up this morning and now we are at theirs. Aaah the countryside really is lovely.
I felt awful all morning, like I was going to faint. Feeling light-head, I cried a little thinking 'I shouldn't dread going home, seeing family'. It will hopefully be better than I am imagining, but only time will tell :/ I am in a better place mentally than the last time I was home, at Christmas, which gives me hope that the home environment will be easier and not feel so heavy.
At its worst, I feel suffocated with their judgement. Every time they see me for the first time in the day, my sister's eyes go up and down me, analysing my appearance. My mum doesn't do that, or not that I've noticed, but when I would feel like doing more colourful makeup she would snigger or say 'You look...interesting, sweetie!'.......thanks?
Thursday 27 March 2014
Packing for Easter and thinking of home
Mood: Nervous
So nervous about going home. All I see is awkward dinners and them giving me weird looks when I say goodnight at 10pm. I can feel the judgement in the air when I am around my mum and sister sometimes. I hope some day I no longer feel like a stranger in the house :/ I can't wait to see my dad though, I am a daddy's girl, my mum and I will have private time and I think things will get better with us, but I have no hope for my sister and I.
She is irritated by me, as if I want to be like this, as if I enjoy conflict. That was the last thing she said to me with emotion in her voice. I am so scared. The times that I have spoken to her has been hollow conversations. She tried to reach out to me and help in her own way, but in no way did it make me feel better.
'I've been through this too, lots of people have.'
There are really useful articles online about how to support someone with depression, the kinds of things you should or shouldn't say and why. It is confusing though, if my sister suffered once in her life, why does she talk like this to me? Maybe it wasn't very long for her (I don't remember it, I was much younger) or something, I don't know. I would've thought that sufferers more than anyone would understand how frustrating those kinds of things can be, my enhanced enabler certainly understands where I am coming from. It was such a relief to talk to her about it and rant a little about it and she couldn't agree more with how I felt.
I am so frustrated at the thought of having to sit down with my family and ask them to research how to communicate with someone who has depression for me. Should I have to do that?! Surely my family would want to do that without me asking. I'm not sure how loved I am right now. It is hard feeling that you have no support from your family, but at the same time I know being depressed makes you feel more cut off anyway.
So nervous about going home. All I see is awkward dinners and them giving me weird looks when I say goodnight at 10pm. I can feel the judgement in the air when I am around my mum and sister sometimes. I hope some day I no longer feel like a stranger in the house :/ I can't wait to see my dad though, I am a daddy's girl, my mum and I will have private time and I think things will get better with us, but I have no hope for my sister and I.
She is irritated by me, as if I want to be like this, as if I enjoy conflict. That was the last thing she said to me with emotion in her voice. I am so scared. The times that I have spoken to her has been hollow conversations. She tried to reach out to me and help in her own way, but in no way did it make me feel better.
'I've been through this too, lots of people have.'
'You should look for other solutions than pills.'
'Just focus on your breathing, that's what I used to do.'
There are really useful articles online about how to support someone with depression, the kinds of things you should or shouldn't say and why. It is confusing though, if my sister suffered once in her life, why does she talk like this to me? Maybe it wasn't very long for her (I don't remember it, I was much younger) or something, I don't know. I would've thought that sufferers more than anyone would understand how frustrating those kinds of things can be, my enhanced enabler certainly understands where I am coming from. It was such a relief to talk to her about it and rant a little about it and she couldn't agree more with how I felt.
I am so frustrated at the thought of having to sit down with my family and ask them to research how to communicate with someone who has depression for me. Should I have to do that?! Surely my family would want to do that without me asking. I'm not sure how loved I am right now. It is hard feeling that you have no support from your family, but at the same time I know being depressed makes you feel more cut off anyway.
What is your family like?
Trying to control chaos
I don't know about you, but when I have things to do, I am ALL about making lists.
The satisfaction of crossing things off a list is surprisingly powerful and it drives me to keep going. This is how I got through this morning. It makes a busy day with a lot to do more manageable and even enjoyable at times. The feeling after something is finished is very good, but it's just getting there.
Everyone has their own way, but when I think of my anxiety and mental health I have an image of something like spaghetti - no structure, just chaos, a mess (even though I like spaghetti... it's the heritage that does it). That is probably why I am a big organiser - I tidy regularly as a way of tidying my mind if my thoughts are scattered, whether it is any kind of household chore or arranging books in height order, sorting my wardrobe by colour. OOH one thing that I loved doing when I was younger was organising my DVDs alphabetically and by certificate.... I wonder if any other young teenagers did that :/ I certainly didn't know any at the time!
I don't believe that good and bad days are black and white, there is a whole spectrum to it. Everyone has those bad moods that they wallow in for a while and other bad moods that they can lift themselves out of. Like a gradient, some bad moods are worse than others. Organising my environment reassures me that I have a certain level of control and control over your life as an anxious person is the ultimate comfort. Like many, I am typical in the sense that I want to have every single thing mapped out in attempt to avoid bad things to happen. Saying that though, I am not 5 - we know that life 'doesn't work out the way you want sometimes' bla bla bla (I can't stand people telling me that, it sounds so darn condescending).
The satisfaction of crossing things off a list is surprisingly powerful and it drives me to keep going. This is how I got through this morning. It makes a busy day with a lot to do more manageable and even enjoyable at times. The feeling after something is finished is very good, but it's just getting there.
Everyone has their own way, but when I think of my anxiety and mental health I have an image of something like spaghetti - no structure, just chaos, a mess (even though I like spaghetti... it's the heritage that does it). That is probably why I am a big organiser - I tidy regularly as a way of tidying my mind if my thoughts are scattered, whether it is any kind of household chore or arranging books in height order, sorting my wardrobe by colour. OOH one thing that I loved doing when I was younger was organising my DVDs alphabetically and by certificate.... I wonder if any other young teenagers did that :/ I certainly didn't know any at the time!
I don't believe that good and bad days are black and white, there is a whole spectrum to it. Everyone has those bad moods that they wallow in for a while and other bad moods that they can lift themselves out of. Like a gradient, some bad moods are worse than others. Organising my environment reassures me that I have a certain level of control and control over your life as an anxious person is the ultimate comfort. Like many, I am typical in the sense that I want to have every single thing mapped out in attempt to avoid bad things to happen. Saying that though, I am not 5 - we know that life 'doesn't work out the way you want sometimes' bla bla bla (I can't stand people telling me that, it sounds so darn condescending).
Key lesson I have learned: The bad is equally as natural as the good. We need the bad to help highlight the good in our lives. Once you accept that, you won't put all your energy into trying to avoid it anymore. You will be free.
What makes you feel in control?? Are you an organiser, like myself?
Flashback: William Hill
Getting different things done in a short space of time is a skill that I learned after working for William Hill. I started working there at 18 and stayed for several months til it was time to leave for university. A very difficult environment to work in, especially when you are female. I threw people off the premises, struggled with a sexual harassment problem with a customer, a guy tried to get me to leave the shop to go to a party with him for 'a good time' (he was already drugged up). I've been threatened to give all the money we had away, travelled from one branch to another carrying thousands in cash on my person.
I could handle it all until one regular customer, around my age at the time, would cry his heart out if he lost...which was all the time. He would be wailing away at the machines and to the point of other customers feeling uncomfortable. I had to calm him down and suggest perhaps banning himself from the betting shops. I can't remember how that panned out, but I remember trying not to cry behind the till. So horrible seeing a man cry. It wasn't long before I wanted to get out of there, I didn't want to help that industry rob people of their savings by toying with their gambling addictions. Gambling is a dark, dark thing.
I could handle it all until one regular customer, around my age at the time, would cry his heart out if he lost...which was all the time. He would be wailing away at the machines and to the point of other customers feeling uncomfortable. I had to calm him down and suggest perhaps banning himself from the betting shops. I can't remember how that panned out, but I remember trying not to cry behind the till. So horrible seeing a man cry. It wasn't long before I wanted to get out of there, I didn't want to help that industry rob people of their savings by toying with their gambling addictions. Gambling is a dark, dark thing.
People now would think 'Why on earth did you work there?!', especially as naturally anxious as I am. Beggars can't be choosers.
What is your opinion on gambling??
What a *alarm beep* fun *alarm beep* experience
Mood: Very happy
That honestly couldn't have gone any better. Unless there were puppies.
*fire alarm battery beep*
I am sooo thrilled at how the feedback event went! The free food was nice, every single person was so lovely and friendly - I feel like I left with 10 new friends! The filmed interview was good fun, though I did 'ummm' a fair bit for a while :/ oops.
*fire alarm battery beep*
I was shaking but I sat on my hands - I hate letting people see how shaky I am when I am nervous. Such genuinely supportive people. All the workers really do want their clients to succeed and get through their studies, it isn't just their job and it shows :)
*fire alarm battery beep*
We had different, fun ways to give feedback on our support and every student I spoke to said their support was wonderful.
*fire alarm battery beep*
AAARGH THAT DARN BEEP! It's not up to me to change your battery, that's for the landlord to do....and he was here today!! So badly want to bash in the fire alarm...
That honestly couldn't have gone any better. Unless there were puppies.
*fire alarm battery beep*
I am sooo thrilled at how the feedback event went! The free food was nice, every single person was so lovely and friendly - I feel like I left with 10 new friends! The filmed interview was good fun, though I did 'ummm' a fair bit for a while :/ oops.
*fire alarm battery beep*
I was shaking but I sat on my hands - I hate letting people see how shaky I am when I am nervous. Such genuinely supportive people. All the workers really do want their clients to succeed and get through their studies, it isn't just their job and it shows :)
*fire alarm battery beep*
We had different, fun ways to give feedback on our support and every student I spoke to said their support was wonderful.
*fire alarm battery beep*
AAARGH THAT DARN BEEP! It's not up to me to change your battery, that's for the landlord to do....and he was here today!! So badly want to bash in the fire alarm...
Interview Day!
Mood: Excited
Today's the dayyyy!! Oh my gosh, I am excited. It's not even a big deal, about 15-20 minutes, informal chat. I hope we'll be in a separate room to other people though, the last time I had a filmed interview it was about my course and we were in the same room as my class = super embarrassing. I messed up so much, spluttering over my words, miserable face. I was so nervous, I forgot to smile!
At least I can learn from last time. Besides, this interview is about my personal experience with my academic support so it shouldn't be too difficult knowing what to say. I hope I can have a cup of tea...
There's supposed to be free lunch and refreshments, so yay! Ooooh there might be cupcakes...
My enhanced enabler will be there with me, I would love it if she could be in the room for my interview, but I will do my best whatever happens :) *takes tablet dry* uuuueofhsdbbfffeurghhh!! Gross.
I will tell you all about it when I get back :)
Today's the dayyyy!! Oh my gosh, I am excited. It's not even a big deal, about 15-20 minutes, informal chat. I hope we'll be in a separate room to other people though, the last time I had a filmed interview it was about my course and we were in the same room as my class = super embarrassing. I messed up so much, spluttering over my words, miserable face. I was so nervous, I forgot to smile!
At least I can learn from last time. Besides, this interview is about my personal experience with my academic support so it shouldn't be too difficult knowing what to say. I hope I can have a cup of tea...
There's supposed to be free lunch and refreshments, so yay! Ooooh there might be cupcakes...
My enhanced enabler will be there with me, I would love it if she could be in the room for my interview, but I will do my best whatever happens :) *takes tablet dry* uuuueofhsdbbfffeurghhh!! Gross.
I will tell you all about it when I get back :)
Wednesday 26 March 2014
24
Mood: Grumpy
I took my meds early this morning, got an okay-ish sleep - the fire alarm battery is dying out so it was bleeping through the night, enough to make me want to punch the wall - and I handed in coursework. I've even started revising for one of my exams, my boyfriend has spent the day with me! Well.....he's been doing his own work, which is fine. His ears shut down when he's working though. I wasn't trying to distract him, we have been quiet most of the day, but if I asked him something like if he wanted anything I'd get nothing. Hmm that doesn't sit too well with me, but he doesn't mean anything by it I'm sure :)
Did you read my previous post a month ago about the whole drama to do with a class I was in and I was failed, an attendance mix up blablabla? The same lecturer has emailed us all again that the marks are ready for us to collect, but he went on in his usual, condescending way talking about how he didn't understand 'why some of you were grumbly about the work, it is what is asked of you' and 'what the mass hysteria was caused by' - talk about making us feel stupid as heck!! He even listed some points as to his theory of some people's incompetence!
I took my meds early this morning, got an okay-ish sleep - the fire alarm battery is dying out so it was bleeping through the night, enough to make me want to punch the wall - and I handed in coursework. I've even started revising for one of my exams, my boyfriend has spent the day with me! Well.....he's been doing his own work, which is fine. His ears shut down when he's working though. I wasn't trying to distract him, we have been quiet most of the day, but if I asked him something like if he wanted anything I'd get nothing. Hmm that doesn't sit too well with me, but he doesn't mean anything by it I'm sure :)
Did you read my previous post a month ago about the whole drama to do with a class I was in and I was failed, an attendance mix up blablabla? The same lecturer has emailed us all again that the marks are ready for us to collect, but he went on in his usual, condescending way talking about how he didn't understand 'why some of you were grumbly about the work, it is what is asked of you' and 'what the mass hysteria was caused by' - talk about making us feel stupid as heck!! He even listed some points as to his theory of some people's incompetence!
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IS THAT NECESSARY?!!
A student kindly took a photo of all our marks on a form and posted it online so we could all see our marks without having to go ourselves. Guess what I got...... 24. 24?!! Only two people were lower than me, one was 20 and another was 0 (you don't know who gets what because the marks are by your student number, not your name). I don't fail things!! I'm terrified of failing things, I anticipate failure the year before. I was so mad at that mark combined with his email.
Oh well *sigh* I guess I'd better go watch videos of puppies and kittens. I will do more revision too when my mood picks up :)
Did/Do you have any lecturers that get on your wick?
Tuesday 25 March 2014
Yay!
Mood: Calm
After my little mini meltdown last night, I figured it was just because I didn't take my medication until late. It seems to really take effect when I don't take them :/ I keep forgetting to make an appointment with my GP for after Easter, I will have to venture down to the surgery tomorrow after I HAND WORK IN! Oh yes :D not my dissertation, but still getting things done and out the way.
Mates keep asking when I am giving mine in - I guess my blog really isn't read haha, I just give answers like soon/I'm working on it/it'll be in asap. I don't want to say outright 'I have extended time', I can't help but feel like it would make me look.... insensitive or arrogant.
After taking my meds straight away this morning - I was happy with myself for remembering! - work was coming along. I had to go in to see my learning support tutor, who gave me lots of praise for how much I have done. She always makes me feel really good about myself and my work - she might occasionally say the usual 'everyone's in the same boat' stuff, but what makes me feel good is when she says how well I've worked despite finding it so difficult.
SO:
My report for tomorrow is done - yay!
Dissertation is very nearly there - yay!
Handed in another piece earlier today - yay!
Good mood, keep me going, just til the end of this week at least pleeeease.
After my little mini meltdown last night, I figured it was just because I didn't take my medication until late. It seems to really take effect when I don't take them :/ I keep forgetting to make an appointment with my GP for after Easter, I will have to venture down to the surgery tomorrow after I HAND WORK IN! Oh yes :D not my dissertation, but still getting things done and out the way.
Mates keep asking when I am giving mine in - I guess my blog really isn't read haha, I just give answers like soon/I'm working on it/it'll be in asap. I don't want to say outright 'I have extended time', I can't help but feel like it would make me look.... insensitive or arrogant.
After taking my meds straight away this morning - I was happy with myself for remembering! - work was coming along. I had to go in to see my learning support tutor, who gave me lots of praise for how much I have done. She always makes me feel really good about myself and my work - she might occasionally say the usual 'everyone's in the same boat' stuff, but what makes me feel good is when she says how well I've worked despite finding it so difficult.
SO:
My report for tomorrow is done - yay!
Dissertation is very nearly there - yay!
Handed in another piece earlier today - yay!
Good mood, keep me going, just til the end of this week at least pleeeease.
How do you stay motivated when you study/work?
Monday 24 March 2014
Sick of this stress
Mood: Low/Upset
Maybe I'm just tired, it's 9:30pm, but I'm so fed up. So sick of working and stressing, how do other people do it?! I know that everyone looks better on the outside than they are and I'm not alone. Why am I putting myself through this!! Will I even use my degree in the future? This third year has given me nothing I didn't already have from my foundation degree, it is a very depressing fact to learn this way. If I had known this a year ago, I would've said bye bye to the idea of doing a top-up year for a BSc :( IF ONLY.
The way everyone is feeling now, all sick of trying and losing the will to keep going? Welcome to how I have been feeling all year long people! The saddest part of it, to me, is that when I go home for Easter break I can't exactly chill and relax, my exams are only 2 weeks into the final term *wants the ground to swallow me up* well at least I don't have any additional anxiety over being in a room with other people, I guess.
Right now, my dream would be to sleep 18 hours a day :( sleep is the only escape from this horrible world. Maybe I should gradually work up to sleeping 12 hours a day.
Maybe I'm just tired, it's 9:30pm, but I'm so fed up. So sick of working and stressing, how do other people do it?! I know that everyone looks better on the outside than they are and I'm not alone. Why am I putting myself through this!! Will I even use my degree in the future? This third year has given me nothing I didn't already have from my foundation degree, it is a very depressing fact to learn this way. If I had known this a year ago, I would've said bye bye to the idea of doing a top-up year for a BSc :( IF ONLY.
The way everyone is feeling now, all sick of trying and losing the will to keep going? Welcome to how I have been feeling all year long people! The saddest part of it, to me, is that when I go home for Easter break I can't exactly chill and relax, my exams are only 2 weeks into the final term *wants the ground to swallow me up* well at least I don't have any additional anxiety over being in a room with other people, I guess.
Right now, my dream would be to sleep 18 hours a day :( sleep is the only escape from this horrible world. Maybe I should gradually work up to sleeping 12 hours a day.
Easter = family
I've been dreaming about my family. Last night, I dreamt my sister, mum and myself were looking around shops to see what to get each other for presents. We were all happy but my family was choosing things for me that I didn't like and I picked alternatives that I preferred and they looked confused. This would be pretty accurate to reality actually!
Must be because in a week I will be back home and I am terrified. I am looking forward to it in a way - I miss my papa so much and I am looking forward to bonding time with my mum just the two of us, but I am scared to be alone in the same room as my sister. My mum often rings and says 'call us, we'd love to chat to you' - I want to talk to mum, but in all honesty I don't ring home in case my sister picks up. Instead, I just ring during the day when mum is at work. The awkwardness is unbearable for me, I already struggle with randomly awkward silences but you can feel the tension and it is so uncomfortable. We've never been so distant for this long - the fight was ummm... around July I think, sooo yeah. Not pleasant. For anyone.
Aside from the sister thing, I am quite looking forward to being home (I will be mostly revising/cross stitching/filming youtube videos/coursework-ing). I really do need to find time to chill, I hope I manage to recharge. In the past I have gone home exhausted from a term's work then get stressed in the family environment and go back the next term not feeling any better. I will be coming back here for the last time but.... I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
Must be because in a week I will be back home and I am terrified. I am looking forward to it in a way - I miss my papa so much and I am looking forward to bonding time with my mum just the two of us, but I am scared to be alone in the same room as my sister. My mum often rings and says 'call us, we'd love to chat to you' - I want to talk to mum, but in all honesty I don't ring home in case my sister picks up. Instead, I just ring during the day when mum is at work. The awkwardness is unbearable for me, I already struggle with randomly awkward silences but you can feel the tension and it is so uncomfortable. We've never been so distant for this long - the fight was ummm... around July I think, sooo yeah. Not pleasant. For anyone.
Aside from the sister thing, I am quite looking forward to being home (I will be mostly revising/cross stitching/filming youtube videos/coursework-ing). I really do need to find time to chill, I hope I manage to recharge. In the past I have gone home exhausted from a term's work then get stressed in the family environment and go back the next term not feeling any better. I will be coming back here for the last time but.... I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
How do you spend your Easter holidays?
My mum's vision / Secondary School
Jeez, this subject is still sooo hush-hush, even now in 2014!
I mean, it's out there and all, but there are people still walking about from generations with older values and beliefs from a time when being other than straight was unacceptable. Luckily, my parents were not this way. I mean, I think my father even forgot! My mum did take it badly. She wasn't brought up against it, I don't believe she is phobic, but I think she very much had a vision in mind of how she wanted her two little chicks to be when we grew up. Somehow, I don't think I ticked many of my mum's boxes.
I mean, it's out there and all, but there are people still walking about from generations with older values and beliefs from a time when being other than straight was unacceptable. Luckily, my parents were not this way. I mean, I think my father even forgot! My mum did take it badly. She wasn't brought up against it, I don't believe she is phobic, but I think she very much had a vision in mind of how she wanted her two little chicks to be when we grew up. Somehow, I don't think I ticked many of my mum's boxes.
She wanted a Christian - got an atheist.
She wanted her little girl to be straight - got a bisexual.
I understand that it is tough for some people to get their head around and this is the kind of thing that is worlds away from what my parents grew up with. Times have changed very quickly - there all kinds of 'sexuals' out there and a lot of them I don't get. I didn't have a hard time at home about it, but my mum I think did recoil away from me as if I wasn't hers a bit. It was a long time ago, I opened up when I was in year 8 - I was only just around 13 so of course, they didn't believe it would last. Now that I have my boyfriend, in their minds I am sure that has proved to them they were right *sigh* oh well.
At least I can handle it since it is my life and I am proud (most of the time...)
When I meet new people I don't mention it, it takes a while before they know so I am sure they are friends or aren't perhaps homophobic, so I don't get any hate for it. that has never been much of a problem though :) they tried to bully me in secondary school as I was the first student to openly come out to everyone, but to no avail! I confidently sent it right back at them and they shut up. I was never one to have problems with peers or the 'popular girls', nope! I was too busy focussing on being comfortable in my own skin that I didn't pay those girls any attention and I had such strong values from an early age that I was NEVER going to be persuaded to smoke (whatever was getting passed around) or take anything *proudly wags tail*
How was your secondary school experience?
Rainy Days
Mood: Content
Every part of me is freezing, oh my gosh! It is pouring down with rain today, horrible weather. I got caught in the rain a few times which wasn't fun but hey ho. I was in uni this morning for my last ever lesson, which was UTTERLY POINTLESS to say the least - 'self-led' he said, 'an integral part of the learning process' he said. It was simply an excuse to fill the day. Even though the presentation wasn't being assessed, my heart was in my throat and like many people nervous of public speaking I thought I would be sick or faint or something. I always experience this moment where I genuinely almost run out of the room, but thankfully I haven't followed that thought through yet.
Now that I am back at the flat, I am much warmer now that I have pj bottoms on, 2 pairs of socks and a heater right in front of me. Oh, and my dressing gown. After yesterday, I strongly believe that my work will progress when it progresses, you know, I am simply not one of those students who can go 'Right, today I will work from this time to this time then relax' - I will give myself a word count target or something for the day but let it happen at any point. Otherwise, I just get frustrated and irritable when it doesn't work out. My current aim is to warm up if anything!
I am going to a feedback afternoon thingamajig this Thursday for the company that runs my academic support and lets me have the help of enhanced enablers. Have to say, I am really looking forward to it! Lately, I have been trying to spread the word about my blog and how it could help some people to feel that they are not alone in feeling or thinking a certain way. My enhanced enabler mentioned my blog and willingness to speak openly about my mental health to some people in the company and now I will be doing a filmed interview - probably about my problems, how they affect me academically and how the company has given me support. EXCITING! Uhh I did a photoshoot and interview at the college I studied my Foundation Degree at in Cornwall which was an amazing experience - they still use some photos of me around the site! A friend of mine sent me a photo on facebook of me by the main entrance - I was like 'AAAAAHHHHH THAT'S MEEEE!!'
Despite this week being stressful to the max, I am very much approaching it with a BRING-IT-ON attitude :D aren't you proud of me!
Every part of me is freezing, oh my gosh! It is pouring down with rain today, horrible weather. I got caught in the rain a few times which wasn't fun but hey ho. I was in uni this morning for my last ever lesson, which was UTTERLY POINTLESS to say the least - 'self-led' he said, 'an integral part of the learning process' he said. It was simply an excuse to fill the day. Even though the presentation wasn't being assessed, my heart was in my throat and like many people nervous of public speaking I thought I would be sick or faint or something. I always experience this moment where I genuinely almost run out of the room, but thankfully I haven't followed that thought through yet.
Now that I am back at the flat, I am much warmer now that I have pj bottoms on, 2 pairs of socks and a heater right in front of me. Oh, and my dressing gown. After yesterday, I strongly believe that my work will progress when it progresses, you know, I am simply not one of those students who can go 'Right, today I will work from this time to this time then relax' - I will give myself a word count target or something for the day but let it happen at any point. Otherwise, I just get frustrated and irritable when it doesn't work out. My current aim is to warm up if anything!
I am going to a feedback afternoon thingamajig this Thursday for the company that runs my academic support and lets me have the help of enhanced enablers. Have to say, I am really looking forward to it! Lately, I have been trying to spread the word about my blog and how it could help some people to feel that they are not alone in feeling or thinking a certain way. My enhanced enabler mentioned my blog and willingness to speak openly about my mental health to some people in the company and now I will be doing a filmed interview - probably about my problems, how they affect me academically and how the company has given me support. EXCITING! Uhh I did a photoshoot and interview at the college I studied my Foundation Degree at in Cornwall which was an amazing experience - they still use some photos of me around the site! A friend of mine sent me a photo on facebook of me by the main entrance - I was like 'AAAAAHHHHH THAT'S MEEEE!!'
Despite this week being stressful to the max, I am very much approaching it with a BRING-IT-ON attitude :D aren't you proud of me!
How good are you at public speaking?
Sunday 23 March 2014
Progress
Mood: Relieved
Why do you keep abandoning me internet?!!! My goodness *tut tut*
Oh well, I managed to get some work done after all :) Maybe I just can't work when my boyfriend is round chilling out, I just go into kitten mode and I can't work ^.^
I made the target to write 500 words today and I reached it, so I am feeling better than earlier. I also had yummy Indian for dinner so I consider that as my treat for getting some work done/
My mentality towards my work is really shifting. Now my worry is, will that transfer over to my revision or will I shut down and panic? I am still not thinking about it yet, although it is scarily close - I think my degree is over in 9 weeks *face of terror* okay no, don't think about it yet, get everything else done first. Deep breaths Jess...
Okay, things are happening and I have time.
I've got this, a few hundred words a day and I've got this....
Why do you keep abandoning me internet?!!! My goodness *tut tut*
Oh well, I managed to get some work done after all :) Maybe I just can't work when my boyfriend is round chilling out, I just go into kitten mode and I can't work ^.^
I made the target to write 500 words today and I reached it, so I am feeling better than earlier. I also had yummy Indian for dinner so I consider that as my treat for getting some work done/
When you write even just a few words, it is always progress.
My mentality towards my work is really shifting. Now my worry is, will that transfer over to my revision or will I shut down and panic? I am still not thinking about it yet, although it is scarily close - I think my degree is over in 9 weeks *face of terror* okay no, don't think about it yet, get everything else done first. Deep breaths Jess...
Okay, things are happening and I have time.
I've got this, a few hundred words a day and I've got this....
Do you have a mantra that keeps you going?
Flashback: Destruction / Grandma
When my anger problems were at their worst, I became very destructive. Mentally and literally. I would wreck my bedroom, turn furniture upside down, throw aerosols down my attic stairs and watch them spin out of control as they hit the floor. I got scissors and ripped wood out of my mirror frame. Then I would calm down from my 'turn' and look at all the damage I'd made in my room and just cry for a long time. Very difficult times :/
I used to feel like a volcano with a time bomb that was set off by anything and everything - birds singing in the morning, my CD player jumping, anything a family member would say. Everything caused me to erupt. This fire was alight in my stomach 24/7 and it lived there for a few years. I remember my mum crying, now I look back maybe a part of her was scared. I don't recall ever hitting anyone or damaging any other part of the house, only my bedroom. It was self-destruction, in that way I took my own anger out on myself and my own possessions.
I used to feel like a volcano with a time bomb that was set off by anything and everything - birds singing in the morning, my CD player jumping, anything a family member would say. Everything caused me to erupt. This fire was alight in my stomach 24/7 and it lived there for a few years. I remember my mum crying, now I look back maybe a part of her was scared. I don't recall ever hitting anyone or damaging any other part of the house, only my bedroom. It was self-destruction, in that way I took my own anger out on myself and my own possessions.
Probably stemmed from my grandma passing away - I felt closest to her out of my whole family and I felt abandoned. I missed her so much and I didn't grieve properly, I didn't get closure. A few very strong memories stand out to me from when I was young and one of them was when my family went up north for her funeral but I wasn't allowed to go - I had to go to school. As if I was going to be able to concentrate and take anything in!! I developed a lot of hate towards my mum for that and it took me years to calm the fire down. Even now, I cannot forgive that. As if they felt I was too young to care or they shrugged off my hurt, thinking I'd get over it. Everyone else went, I had a right to go just as much as everyone else!!! As if I wasn't a member of the family and it wasn't my place.
Well congrats family, that's how I feel now and I'm in my twenties.
Alterego frustration
Mood: Frustrated
Today feels like a mish-mosh of feelings. I'm so tired though, only got 9 hours sleep :/
It was so nice to again wake up next to my guy, I felt so relaxed and happy. I would love one day to have a place with him :) Sitting up in bed trying to work *huff* (needless to say, it isn't happening, otherwise I wouldn't be writing here right now).
I have 2000 words to write for next Wednesday but I have completely run out of the will to try, the end is so close my mind has just shut down ahead of the easter holidays. There's only another week to go, come on brain work with me, wake up!! Ughh sometimes I feel like my brain is another being, like a stubborn teenager, fighting me all the way on everything - it is exhausting fighting with your own mind. People tend to have a mental battle with themselves when they are stuck in certain situations, but that's my every day. Like an alterego or something.
So frustrated with myself this morning :( but hopefully this afternoon I will perk up and get some work done...
Today feels like a mish-mosh of feelings. I'm so tired though, only got 9 hours sleep :/
It was so nice to again wake up next to my guy, I felt so relaxed and happy. I would love one day to have a place with him :) Sitting up in bed trying to work *huff* (needless to say, it isn't happening, otherwise I wouldn't be writing here right now).
I have 2000 words to write for next Wednesday but I have completely run out of the will to try, the end is so close my mind has just shut down ahead of the easter holidays. There's only another week to go, come on brain work with me, wake up!! Ughh sometimes I feel like my brain is another being, like a stubborn teenager, fighting me all the way on everything - it is exhausting fighting with your own mind. People tend to have a mental battle with themselves when they are stuck in certain situations, but that's my every day. Like an alterego or something.
So frustrated with myself this morning :( but hopefully this afternoon I will perk up and get some work done...
What do you do to keep yourself calm?
Saturday 22 March 2014
Doggy Day Care :)
Mood: Excited
After a lovely lie in and good sleep, I was perfectly happy chatting to my guy in bed. Then out came his laptop :/ it doesn't bother me, he can go on it if he wants, I just like it when it is us chatting and curled up all warm. Imagine that is just me being a typical girly girl :P
We are really looking forward to having doggy fun play time with my enhanced enabler's chocolate lab! AAAAHHHH :D
We will go around town and schtuff, it will be so good for both of us :) I'm planning to get some work done this afternoon so I will have had fun and been productive as well.
After a lovely lie in and good sleep, I was perfectly happy chatting to my guy in bed. Then out came his laptop :/ it doesn't bother me, he can go on it if he wants, I just like it when it is us chatting and curled up all warm. Imagine that is just me being a typical girly girl :P
We are really looking forward to having doggy fun play time with my enhanced enabler's chocolate lab! AAAAHHHH :D
Happiness has fur, four legs and a tail and goes woof
We will go around town and schtuff, it will be so good for both of us :) I'm planning to get some work done this afternoon so I will have had fun and been productive as well.
What animals do you like?
Friday 21 March 2014
I can't quite believe it!
Mood: Total Relief
Well, today is a good day to say the least!!
I was checking my uni email to make sure my afternoon lecture was still running - just to be sure - and to be honest I don't check my uni email enough which is really bad, but there were some emails to read through. I found that my chronic ill health form and extenuating circumstances have been deemed valid! AAHH so happy! This means that I have been given over a month extra for 2 pieces of coursework that were originally due for next week. I can't really believe it, this will take a while to sink in, but this is such good news!!
By no means am I going to slack, I still want these pieces out of the way so I can get on with revision, but this extra time means I don't need to cut corners. I have a bad habit when a deadline is round the corner that I don't bother proof-reading, I just hand in what I've got, so this time I can reeeeally make sure my pieces are good and I'll get better marks! YAY HAPPY DAYS!!!
I still have a piece of coursework due next Wednesday because I didn't include it on the ext. circ. form but that is okay I can focus on that piece and it will be done well :)
This afternoon's lecture will be good actually, I think it will be a comfort to finish hearing how the lecture's describe the exam to us and any prep for us to do. The anxiety will probably kick in a bit, but things feel doable right now, so I'm going to do my best to focus on the positive and punch through the remainiiing.... *thinks it over* 9 weeks left as of today! Blimey, that's nothing is it hmm :/ I really need to get revision going soon aargh.
Well, today is a good day to say the least!!
I was checking my uni email to make sure my afternoon lecture was still running - just to be sure - and to be honest I don't check my uni email enough which is really bad, but there were some emails to read through. I found that my chronic ill health form and extenuating circumstances have been deemed valid! AAHH so happy! This means that I have been given over a month extra for 2 pieces of coursework that were originally due for next week. I can't really believe it, this will take a while to sink in, but this is such good news!!
By no means am I going to slack, I still want these pieces out of the way so I can get on with revision, but this extra time means I don't need to cut corners. I have a bad habit when a deadline is round the corner that I don't bother proof-reading, I just hand in what I've got, so this time I can reeeeally make sure my pieces are good and I'll get better marks! YAY HAPPY DAYS!!!
I still have a piece of coursework due next Wednesday because I didn't include it on the ext. circ. form but that is okay I can focus on that piece and it will be done well :)
This afternoon's lecture will be good actually, I think it will be a comfort to finish hearing how the lecture's describe the exam to us and any prep for us to do. The anxiety will probably kick in a bit, but things feel doable right now, so I'm going to do my best to focus on the positive and punch through the remainiiing.... *thinks it over* 9 weeks left as of today! Blimey, that's nothing is it hmm :/ I really need to get revision going soon aargh.
How do you prepare for exams?
Thursday 20 March 2014
Mind keeps spinniiiiiiiiiing...
Mood: Gooooood
When it comes to my work, things are going weeeell!! It's not finished yet, but I feel like it will be, I'm not worrying. It is managing to keep me up at night though, falling asleep takes an age and then I keep waking up now and then which isn't at all like me.
I had a momentary blip last night in bed, the 'image' - the visual trauma trigger - came to mind but thankfully I was feeling in such a good place that it had no power over me, everything was fine! AHH that makes me happy, it always makes me feel in control when I brush the image off :D
I am so looking forward to Saturday, I will be out with my guy, my enhanced enabler and her DOG! So excited, I love her chocolate lab to pieces, she's so bubbly and friendly. I thought it would do him and I a lot of good around this time, so we arranged this a week or so ago and it will be lovely - just a walk about, maybe go by the beach and play with her :D
The plan was to really work hard tomorrow and stay all snuggled up and comfy - that is my machine work mode - but I checked my diary and I actually have a 2-hour lecture in the afternoon :( I will definitely go though:
1) It is my hardest module
2) It is my VERY. LAST. LECTURE.
Eeek!!
Never mind, I have no choice but to work as hard as I can. Besides, I want to recharge over the weekend. My mind is spinning with things I have left to do because everything is due within a week now *deeeeeeep breaths* uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh
When it comes to my work, things are going weeeell!! It's not finished yet, but I feel like it will be, I'm not worrying. It is managing to keep me up at night though, falling asleep takes an age and then I keep waking up now and then which isn't at all like me.
There is more good than bad, so I'm focussing on that thought.
I had a momentary blip last night in bed, the 'image' - the visual trauma trigger - came to mind but thankfully I was feeling in such a good place that it had no power over me, everything was fine! AHH that makes me happy, it always makes me feel in control when I brush the image off :D
I am so looking forward to Saturday, I will be out with my guy, my enhanced enabler and her DOG! So excited, I love her chocolate lab to pieces, she's so bubbly and friendly. I thought it would do him and I a lot of good around this time, so we arranged this a week or so ago and it will be lovely - just a walk about, maybe go by the beach and play with her :D
The plan was to really work hard tomorrow and stay all snuggled up and comfy - that is my machine work mode - but I checked my diary and I actually have a 2-hour lecture in the afternoon :( I will definitely go though:
1) It is my hardest module
2) It is my VERY. LAST. LECTURE.
Eeek!!
Never mind, I have no choice but to work as hard as I can. Besides, I want to recharge over the weekend. My mind is spinning with things I have left to do because everything is due within a week now *deeeeeeep breaths* uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh
Do you have anything on your mind 24/7 lately?
Wednesday 19 March 2014
Feeling Pumped!!
Mood: Driven
Feeling so focussed today :) I went in to uni for a 2 hour lesson with a guest speaker, we all thought it was big of us to show up in all honesty because time is precious right now, lots of deadlines due for next week = no one showed up! It got us on campus at least, my best mate and I had brought our laptops so we found a study spot and did some dissertation work with the odd people-watching as fuel! Hey, everyone does it...
Had a meeting with one of my enhanced enablers this afternoon about how my work is progressing and I am feeling soooo good! She was happy with how things are going and is so proud of me to be working and feeling good as well :D Might've been the 11 hour sleep I got the night before..
Didn't too much in the way of work this afternoon, things were happening slowly but at least they were happening!! I made the most horrible lunch last night after making it from scratch so I thought...let's chuck a pizza in the oven today as a food pick-me-up + accompanied by Mary Poppins = wonderful! Was such a lovely sing-song down memory lane for me, it was a childhood favourite.
Feeling so focussed today :) I went in to uni for a 2 hour lesson with a guest speaker, we all thought it was big of us to show up in all honesty because time is precious right now, lots of deadlines due for next week = no one showed up! It got us on campus at least, my best mate and I had brought our laptops so we found a study spot and did some dissertation work with the odd people-watching as fuel! Hey, everyone does it...
Had a meeting with one of my enhanced enablers this afternoon about how my work is progressing and I am feeling soooo good! She was happy with how things are going and is so proud of me to be working and feeling good as well :D Might've been the 11 hour sleep I got the night before..
Didn't too much in the way of work this afternoon, things were happening slowly but at least they were happening!! I made the most horrible lunch last night after making it from scratch so I thought...let's chuck a pizza in the oven today as a food pick-me-up + accompanied by Mary Poppins = wonderful! Was such a lovely sing-song down memory lane for me, it was a childhood favourite.
What was your favourite film when you were little?
Tuesday 18 March 2014
How do I explain?
Mood: Contemplative
The mental health conditions I deal with are a complicated combination, let alone individually. I don't really like the term 'sufferer' because even though, yes that is how it feels, putting a negative bent on it does not make it seem all the more manageable.
I have never tried to explain to anyone how it feels exactly, it is hard to put into words and even if I could, people don't like to listen. People turn away, determined to live in denial that there is anything wrong, but that is their problem.
I have a few 'modes' if you like, now that I'm thinking about it, like faces.
Happy, Angry, Panic, Depressed. I think that about sums me up.
Anxious isn't a 'mode' because that is like my skeleton, it is always there, it is just the unfortunate way my mind works, my thought process. I simply am not a cool-and-collected type, although remarkably good at looking it.
I have a habit of speaking before I think, which is probably unusual for an anxious person. On many levels, I don't think people can tell because I actually seem very outgoing and extrovert on the outside. Despite my theatrical ways around people I would most definitely say I am an introvert through and through. All my theatricalities are a fun performance and when I am happy of course, that is how I am.
The mental health conditions I deal with are a complicated combination, let alone individually. I don't really like the term 'sufferer' because even though, yes that is how it feels, putting a negative bent on it does not make it seem all the more manageable.
I have never tried to explain to anyone how it feels exactly, it is hard to put into words and even if I could, people don't like to listen. People turn away, determined to live in denial that there is anything wrong, but that is their problem.
I have a few 'modes' if you like, now that I'm thinking about it, like faces.
Happy, Angry, Panic, Depressed. I think that about sums me up.
Anxious isn't a 'mode' because that is like my skeleton, it is always there, it is just the unfortunate way my mind works, my thought process. I simply am not a cool-and-collected type, although remarkably good at looking it.
I have a habit of speaking before I think, which is probably unusual for an anxious person. On many levels, I don't think people can tell because I actually seem very outgoing and extrovert on the outside. Despite my theatrical ways around people I would most definitely say I am an introvert through and through. All my theatricalities are a fun performance and when I am happy of course, that is how I am.
I don't like to hide how I feel unless it feels like a form of protection for myself.
Mini Rant Mode
Mood: 'Rant' mode
People say I have no filters because I say how I feel/what I mean, I don't tend to tiptoe around things. Compared to a lot of people, I will look rude because I don't go down the break-it-to-you-gently-to protect-your-feelings route - for most situations. There are enough people in the world who tiptoe so much that their point isn't even made and nothing happens! I can't bare that. It was maybe a year or so ago that I just grew out of my filters because I was sick of everyone around me nice-ifying things.
People do wrong. We are always going to. Repeating mistakes, however, is pointless and does no good. What is right for one person may be wrong for another, but there are people in my life who are aware they are doing wrong while simultaneously enjoying it. To this I say fair enough, it's your life, but when it affects other people? QUIT IT. Don't give me that whole 'Don't tell me what to do, this is my life and I control me'. Again, if it was you alone I'd have no quarrel with you, but do not stand there and tell me, while trying to convince yourself, that this is only your life. It is your life as well as some others and that is when you must stop thinking solely about your own hurt.
There is a reason why you hear friend after friend telling you the same thing. Sometimes they can be wrong, but figure it out and quit stalling. It only makes other people's pain worse with each passing day.
People say I have no filters because I say how I feel/what I mean, I don't tend to tiptoe around things. Compared to a lot of people, I will look rude because I don't go down the break-it-to-you-gently-to protect-your-feelings route - for most situations. There are enough people in the world who tiptoe so much that their point isn't even made and nothing happens! I can't bare that. It was maybe a year or so ago that I just grew out of my filters because I was sick of everyone around me nice-ifying things.
People do wrong. We are always going to. Repeating mistakes, however, is pointless and does no good. What is right for one person may be wrong for another, but there are people in my life who are aware they are doing wrong while simultaneously enjoying it. To this I say fair enough, it's your life, but when it affects other people? QUIT IT. Don't give me that whole 'Don't tell me what to do, this is my life and I control me'. Again, if it was you alone I'd have no quarrel with you, but do not stand there and tell me, while trying to convince yourself, that this is only your life. It is your life as well as some others and that is when you must stop thinking solely about your own hurt.
There is a reason why you hear friend after friend telling you the same thing. Sometimes they can be wrong, but figure it out and quit stalling. It only makes other people's pain worse with each passing day.
Dissertation Aches and Pains
Mood: Gradually more tense
Boy am I feeling the pressure :/ things are going the way I want which is really really good.
It is that time of year that all final year degree students hate - any others out there? Uhhh I don't really know where to start. I have been feeling surprisingly calm even though it is crunch time of the year. Maybe because I really feel like it is the end and these are my last ever coursework pieces I need to do? Maybe I am finally putting into practice healthier ways to study and it is simply paying off. I am suspicious as to why I am not panicking, but that will happen in ABUNDANCE when exams are next on the list, but let's not even go there yet...
Last night was the first time that I've struggled to get to sleep due to work. I was just lying in bed - it was later than when I normally go to sleep, I tend to go to bed at 10pm - and thinking about my dissertation, what sections I have left to complete and such. When I sleep, I curl up into the foetal position and my shoulders hate me for it. The muscles in my shoulders are all bulked and bunched up, as if my shoulders are on steroids! If someone kneads them out to loosen them - ooooohhh gosh, that hurts like hell. So I am trying to get into the habit of sleeping on my back more.
I have a week left and my dissertation is happening, it will get done :) I am so ready to stop doing this, honestly! Think I'll treat myself to a Shakeaway when I give my last coursework piece in...
There are days when I feel like my thoughts are so fast and whizzing round my brain that it hurts and I need to lie down for a bit. It isn't like a headache, more of a light-headed feeling, like you're really weak and run down. Like the start of a cold and you just need to curl up in your bed in your jim jams and a cuddly toy, good movie and some of your favourite soup!
Boy am I feeling the pressure :/ things are going the way I want which is really really good.
It is that time of year that all final year degree students hate - any others out there? Uhhh I don't really know where to start. I have been feeling surprisingly calm even though it is crunch time of the year. Maybe because I really feel like it is the end and these are my last ever coursework pieces I need to do? Maybe I am finally putting into practice healthier ways to study and it is simply paying off. I am suspicious as to why I am not panicking, but that will happen in ABUNDANCE when exams are next on the list, but let's not even go there yet...
Last night was the first time that I've struggled to get to sleep due to work. I was just lying in bed - it was later than when I normally go to sleep, I tend to go to bed at 10pm - and thinking about my dissertation, what sections I have left to complete and such. When I sleep, I curl up into the foetal position and my shoulders hate me for it. The muscles in my shoulders are all bulked and bunched up, as if my shoulders are on steroids! If someone kneads them out to loosen them - ooooohhh gosh, that hurts like hell. So I am trying to get into the habit of sleeping on my back more.
I have a week left and my dissertation is happening, it will get done :) I am so ready to stop doing this, honestly! Think I'll treat myself to a Shakeaway when I give my last coursework piece in...
There are days when I feel like my thoughts are so fast and whizzing round my brain that it hurts and I need to lie down for a bit. It isn't like a headache, more of a light-headed feeling, like you're really weak and run down. Like the start of a cold and you just need to curl up in your bed in your jim jams and a cuddly toy, good movie and some of your favourite soup!
How do you have a good night's sleep when you are stressed?
Monday 17 March 2014
Great idea: Gratitude + Highlights Book!
Mood: Wonderful
This is such a great idea, I only wish I started doing this sooner!
It is a year of change, I am determined to get out of this mental health rut..... a part of it at least :P some parts are pretty well embedded but I can do something about being depressed, so yeah.
I had a notebook to spare, a pretty one from WHSmiths I think? I love stationery! AHH PAPERCHASE! *cough* anyway - I really do write down my thoughts as they hit me, so if you are new to reading my blog, know that I dot here and there all the time - one of my favourite youtube couples - AprilJustinTV, comment if you know who I mean and watch them too! - they like to discuss the highlights of their day at the end of their vlogs and also Lindy from bubzvlogz/bubzbeauty writes in her diary what she is grateful for! SO I thought what could be better for me than writing every day things that I am grateful for and at the end of the day, what my highlight was.
I highly recommend starting this, if you have maybe just some spare paper lying around or something just grab a pen. It over time really shifts the mentality you approach each day with. I started mine only last Wednesday (13 March) but I feel real positive benefits for keeping this :)
This is such a great idea, I only wish I started doing this sooner!
It is a year of change, I am determined to get out of this mental health rut..... a part of it at least :P some parts are pretty well embedded but I can do something about being depressed, so yeah.
I had a notebook to spare, a pretty one from WHSmiths I think? I love stationery! AHH PAPERCHASE! *cough* anyway - I really do write down my thoughts as they hit me, so if you are new to reading my blog, know that I dot here and there all the time - one of my favourite youtube couples - AprilJustinTV, comment if you know who I mean and watch them too! - they like to discuss the highlights of their day at the end of their vlogs and also Lindy from bubzvlogz/bubzbeauty writes in her diary what she is grateful for! SO I thought what could be better for me than writing every day things that I am grateful for and at the end of the day, what my highlight was.
I highly recommend starting this, if you have maybe just some spare paper lying around or something just grab a pen. It over time really shifts the mentality you approach each day with. I started mine only last Wednesday (13 March) but I feel real positive benefits for keeping this :)
Do you have someone you look up to - online or otherwise - who inspires you?
Sunday 16 March 2014
Cluttered environment
Mood: Fed up
Probably because my room is a total TIP. It is such a mess, if I tidy it up later after doing some work, that should make me feel better. I just cannot be calm in a cluttered environment. Fed up.
I don't know why I'm not in the best mood today. Keeping my mouth shut because I can't stand the sound of my own voice sometimes. Hopefully with more work done my mood will pick up, we shall see! Uhh domino's boxes here, stuff everywhere. MESS uuhhh!! Dying to tidy. I might have to put some things away or I won't be able to focus on getting any work done, I can't ignore it :(
Probably because my room is a total TIP. It is such a mess, if I tidy it up later after doing some work, that should make me feel better. I just cannot be calm in a cluttered environment. Fed up.
I don't know why I'm not in the best mood today. Keeping my mouth shut because I can't stand the sound of my own voice sometimes. Hopefully with more work done my mood will pick up, we shall see! Uhh domino's boxes here, stuff everywhere. MESS uuhhh!! Dying to tidy. I might have to put some things away or I won't be able to focus on getting any work done, I can't ignore it :(
Friday 14 March 2014
Mehh
Mood: Content
I didn't accomplish very much today, but that's okay. I am trying hard every day to change my mentality so that I look at every situation in a more positive light. Any progress, no matter how small, deserves acknowledgement and praise.
An unremarkable day. Nothing exciting or interesting really happened. I spent some time on the phone to my mum and it was really nice - we were laughing and I felt like my old self for a short while :) I wasn't feeling too well today so it actually made me feel better! A part of me is starting to look forward to going home.
My guy came back earlier than expected, so I was sooo happy to see him! I made us a yummy dinner, which I love doing, it makes me feel like we are playing house and I'm a domestic goddess xD especially when he says he likes it.
I intend on spending the rest of the night relaxing - really relaxing - and getting tons of sleep, since it's Saturday tomorrow! I am finding it easier to switch off work mode (including worrying about work or feeling guilty about relaxing) when I need some me time.
I didn't accomplish very much today, but that's okay. I am trying hard every day to change my mentality so that I look at every situation in a more positive light. Any progress, no matter how small, deserves acknowledgement and praise.
You are always moving forwards.
An unremarkable day. Nothing exciting or interesting really happened. I spent some time on the phone to my mum and it was really nice - we were laughing and I felt like my old self for a short while :) I wasn't feeling too well today so it actually made me feel better! A part of me is starting to look forward to going home.
My guy came back earlier than expected, so I was sooo happy to see him! I made us a yummy dinner, which I love doing, it makes me feel like we are playing house and I'm a domestic goddess xD especially when he says he likes it.
I intend on spending the rest of the night relaxing - really relaxing - and getting tons of sleep, since it's Saturday tomorrow! I am finding it easier to switch off work mode (including worrying about work or feeling guilty about relaxing) when I need some me time.
Thursday 13 March 2014
GO ME YESS!
I did so much more today than I realised! Feeling soooooooooooo much better now.
The two best therapies for me have to be music and pictures of cute animals! I have photo albums on my laptop which is great for when I'm in a lecture and I can put them up if I'm panicking. I would highly recommend it if you're a lover of animals, it does wonders. It is the closest thing I have to a pet - apart from my cuddly toy tiger that I still sleep with if I'm by myself. Yes I am 21, NO SHAME HERE!
Talk about dramatic mood change to earlier! I am flying hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh! I didn't even take my tablet today. I forgot and by the time I remembered, most of the day had gone by! I will still take it tonight though, I promise :)
The highlight of my day was being so pleasantly surprised at far I have come with my dissertation! So pleased with myself :D I am going to spend the rest of the night mentally giving myself tons of praise and pride so I make the most of this good feeling.
Just hope I can transfer that good feeling to my guy :/
I'd take all his pressure off his shoulders if I could.
The two best therapies for me have to be music and pictures of cute animals! I have photo albums on my laptop which is great for when I'm in a lecture and I can put them up if I'm panicking. I would highly recommend it if you're a lover of animals, it does wonders. It is the closest thing I have to a pet - apart from my cuddly toy tiger that I still sleep with if I'm by myself. Yes I am 21, NO SHAME HERE!
Talk about dramatic mood change to earlier! I am flying hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh! I didn't even take my tablet today. I forgot and by the time I remembered, most of the day had gone by! I will still take it tonight though, I promise :)
The highlight of my day was being so pleasantly surprised at far I have come with my dissertation! So pleased with myself :D I am going to spend the rest of the night mentally giving myself tons of praise and pride so I make the most of this good feeling.
Just hope I can transfer that good feeling to my guy :/
I'd take all his pressure off his shoulders if I could.
Sink or swim?
Mood: Heavy
Powering through my work today. Or trying to, rather. I am managing to be productive and I am taking some breaks but I feel like with every half hour another brick is put on my chest. This feels so heavy duty, everyone is crashing though. It really is crunch time, I don't intend to go through this again so this is it. In 2 weeks I will have given in my final ever piece of coursework. That is motivation if ever there was any I suppose!!
The day has gone by pretty quickly though, which I am grateful for. Snuggled up in bed fully clothed, salted popcorn to my left, cuddly toy to my right, laptop in front of me.
I am really hating this time of year. Yes, I've been feeling more upbeat lately but today I am feeling the weight of these coursework pieces in full force. Seeing everyone else the same way does not make for a stress free environment. I feel like I'm underwater trying to save myself while watching others sinking and unable to resurface. We are all suffocating. I am so ready to graduate and finish. Everyone I know has considered dropping out, but we are still here.
My boyfriend is working through the night in the uni library, which I wish he didn't have to do. He works so hard bless him and not allowing himself any breaks. It's like looking at how I used to study, quite eerie really. He knows what he is doing, but I don't think he can see any better way of getting all his work done. I'm trying to understand what his work is exactly, but it is baffling and confusing!
I saw a website this morning about how to comfort and support a loved one who is depressed. It was a great page, it had a comparative list of bullet points on what to say and what not to say. I remember reading it and thinking 'My sister has said all of those not to say points to me'.
I was telling my enhanced enabler how frustrating it was for me, to be advised to do things I already am well aware of. A while after talking to my sister, I remember talking to mum about why it bothered me and she turned me into the victim! 'She's only trying to help!', 'She meant well', 'Her intentions were good' 'She wants to be there for you'. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH! Great. I can't turn to my mum about anything it seems, because I always become the bad guy and my sister is the innocent angel who does everything right. If I was honest and blunt to my sister about something and I was right, mum would probably tell me I shouldn't have said it!!
Today, I am willing to sink.
Powering through my work today. Or trying to, rather. I am managing to be productive and I am taking some breaks but I feel like with every half hour another brick is put on my chest. This feels so heavy duty, everyone is crashing though. It really is crunch time, I don't intend to go through this again so this is it. In 2 weeks I will have given in my final ever piece of coursework. That is motivation if ever there was any I suppose!!
The day has gone by pretty quickly though, which I am grateful for. Snuggled up in bed fully clothed, salted popcorn to my left, cuddly toy to my right, laptop in front of me.
I am really hating this time of year. Yes, I've been feeling more upbeat lately but today I am feeling the weight of these coursework pieces in full force. Seeing everyone else the same way does not make for a stress free environment. I feel like I'm underwater trying to save myself while watching others sinking and unable to resurface. We are all suffocating. I am so ready to graduate and finish. Everyone I know has considered dropping out, but we are still here.
My boyfriend is working through the night in the uni library, which I wish he didn't have to do. He works so hard bless him and not allowing himself any breaks. It's like looking at how I used to study, quite eerie really. He knows what he is doing, but I don't think he can see any better way of getting all his work done. I'm trying to understand what his work is exactly, but it is baffling and confusing!
I saw a website this morning about how to comfort and support a loved one who is depressed. It was a great page, it had a comparative list of bullet points on what to say and what not to say. I remember reading it and thinking 'My sister has said all of those not to say points to me'.
I was telling my enhanced enabler how frustrating it was for me, to be advised to do things I already am well aware of. A while after talking to my sister, I remember talking to mum about why it bothered me and she turned me into the victim! 'She's only trying to help!', 'She meant well', 'Her intentions were good' 'She wants to be there for you'. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH! Great. I can't turn to my mum about anything it seems, because I always become the bad guy and my sister is the innocent angel who does everything right. If I was honest and blunt to my sister about something and I was right, mum would probably tell me I shouldn't have said it!!
Today, I am willing to sink.
Wednesday 12 March 2014
Little by little
Mood: Reflective and motivated
I wanted to make a second blog last night on the highlights of my day and what I got up to in the afternoon, but the internet was broken! By the time it was working again, it was this afternoon and I have totally forgotten what I did yesterday. Wow Jess. Wow.
Today has been a long, but good day. I was up first thing to do some dissertation work and when I got back to my flat for lunch I found a pretty notebook I wasn't using for anything and decided to make it my 'Gratitude and Highlights Book'. What I am going to do is every day (hopefully) I will list what I am grateful for and in the evening, write down what my highlights of the day are. I'm excited about this, I think it will give my mood a great lift, I will go to bed feeling more positive and before long, I will go through each day feeling more blessed and appreciative of everything in my life. Not that I am ungrateful up to this point, but writing it down will bring it to the front of my mind and alter my approach to everyday life!
I believe I am doing well on my new year's resolution. I went to a positive revision strategies workshop this afternoon, by the end I kind of got bored but it was very useful and fun in places, the lecturer was a great laugh, she had us giggling all the way through! I left feeling more optimistic about my exam preparation (if only it was next on my list) so that is great progress :)
I have been working, little by little, tonight so pat on the back for that. My boyfriend is also here working, so it keeps me on it, whereas if I was by myself I would be on my second movie by now!
The highlight of my day today is that I am that much closer to getting my dissertation done. I have analysed my results, so now I just need to write around it :) happy bunny!
I wanted to make a second blog last night on the highlights of my day and what I got up to in the afternoon, but the internet was broken! By the time it was working again, it was this afternoon and I have totally forgotten what I did yesterday. Wow Jess. Wow.
Today has been a long, but good day. I was up first thing to do some dissertation work and when I got back to my flat for lunch I found a pretty notebook I wasn't using for anything and decided to make it my 'Gratitude and Highlights Book'. What I am going to do is every day (hopefully) I will list what I am grateful for and in the evening, write down what my highlights of the day are. I'm excited about this, I think it will give my mood a great lift, I will go to bed feeling more positive and before long, I will go through each day feeling more blessed and appreciative of everything in my life. Not that I am ungrateful up to this point, but writing it down will bring it to the front of my mind and alter my approach to everyday life!
I believe I am doing well on my new year's resolution. I went to a positive revision strategies workshop this afternoon, by the end I kind of got bored but it was very useful and fun in places, the lecturer was a great laugh, she had us giggling all the way through! I left feeling more optimistic about my exam preparation (if only it was next on my list) so that is great progress :)
I have been working, little by little, tonight so pat on the back for that. My boyfriend is also here working, so it keeps me on it, whereas if I was by myself I would be on my second movie by now!
The highlight of my day today is that I am that much closer to getting my dissertation done. I have analysed my results, so now I just need to write around it :) happy bunny!
Tuesday 11 March 2014
Glowing!
Mood: Cheerful
Feeling gooooooooood! For no reason as well ugh this is so nice :D well I think the weather is giving me a massive lift, I haven't been wearing my coat, it's great!! It will be a good day I'm sure, I think I am glowing today, it might be my makeup that is very much for spring - a nice pink blush and pink y red lip gloss - and I might curl my hair a little for some bounce, excited to see how my ombre hair looks!
I saw the GP first thing this morning and it went well, I've now got a prescription for 2 months worth of medication yayy so that'll see me through the easter holidays when I am back home and I need to remember *mental note* to go back to book an appointment for when I'm back for the summer time.
I have just a short 1 hour lecture this morning then I am with an enhanced enabler. She has been off for a couple of weeks because she hasn't been well but she is baaaaaaaack yaaayyy! There is a 2 hour lecture this afternoon, but whenever I've gone to one of those module lessons it has felt like a total waste of time and I genuinely think I can get more work done if I don't go. That might sound just like an excuse to get out, but think what you will! I know the truth haha.
Today is a deadline day, my work is all ready, printed out and I just need to hand it in when I'm on campus in a bit. Probably one of the latest coursework submissions for me, I like to give things in the day before to avoid any panic queues. I'm not worried though, I've never seen a queue and it will still be in in good time :)
Feeling gooooooooood! For no reason as well ugh this is so nice :D well I think the weather is giving me a massive lift, I haven't been wearing my coat, it's great!! It will be a good day I'm sure, I think I am glowing today, it might be my makeup that is very much for spring - a nice pink blush and pink y red lip gloss - and I might curl my hair a little for some bounce, excited to see how my ombre hair looks!
I saw the GP first thing this morning and it went well, I've now got a prescription for 2 months worth of medication yayy so that'll see me through the easter holidays when I am back home and I need to remember *mental note* to go back to book an appointment for when I'm back for the summer time.
I have just a short 1 hour lecture this morning then I am with an enhanced enabler. She has been off for a couple of weeks because she hasn't been well but she is baaaaaaaack yaaayyy! There is a 2 hour lecture this afternoon, but whenever I've gone to one of those module lessons it has felt like a total waste of time and I genuinely think I can get more work done if I don't go. That might sound just like an excuse to get out, but think what you will! I know the truth haha.
Today is a deadline day, my work is all ready, printed out and I just need to hand it in when I'm on campus in a bit. Probably one of the latest coursework submissions for me, I like to give things in the day before to avoid any panic queues. I'm not worried though, I've never seen a queue and it will still be in in good time :)
Monday 10 March 2014
Dartmoor Zoo & Grow4Good
Today's mood: Happy!
Today was an alright day, to be honest I was counting down the hours as soon as I arrived at Dartmoor Zoo. It is a good zoo and it was nice sunny weather so some of the animals were lounging outside and the TIGERS!! Ohh they were so magnificent and beautiful, so big - I think they were Siberian Tigers by the look of them - they looked soooo relaxed and comfy and they're floof was on end, my friend Fern and I just wanted to hope over the fence and curl up with them in the sun (relax, we know how that would actually go). We got really close to the cheetah as well snoozing away.
It wasn't just a trip to look around, the day was based on what measures are put/not put in place to be more environmentally friendly. My favourite part of the day was when we were taken to an non-public area where this charity called Grow4Good works - it basically is an acre for gardening and growing fruit and vegetables where people with emotional and mental conditions and difficulties can spend some time to better themselves. I was beaming inside looking at the place and the head honcho of the charity was lovely and so friendly! I could totally see myself planting and sewing seeds there for my own wellbeing. Then I thought about our own plot at home - my dad bought a plot so we could grow our own vegetables and he goes when he has some time free. Some would say 'Well if you like the sound of the charity work, just go to the plot with your dad!' I did think about it, but I know how my dad is, he wants the plot managed very much his own way, it's his baby, so it wouldn't be very relaxing.
Maybe I should look up some Bournemouth based charities that helps with mental illness sufferers, I think that would be great! I remember him saying how it helps them to trust again and I think that is so important for me, especially when it comes to family. It is a sad fact to admit, but that's it. At least I'm trying to find good ways to deal with it :) I've had a long hot shower so I'm now in my pyjamas, thinking about food and I will treat myself to a brownie in a mug!!
OOHH OH OH I almost forgot - a letter arrived which was a copy of my chronic ill health form I submitted at university and it says it was approved! YES! The biggest relief - that means I get 10 extra days for my upcoming deadlines. A bit more breathing space, so I will do my best to take advantage and really spend the time wisely and productively :)
Today was an alright day, to be honest I was counting down the hours as soon as I arrived at Dartmoor Zoo. It is a good zoo and it was nice sunny weather so some of the animals were lounging outside and the TIGERS!! Ohh they were so magnificent and beautiful, so big - I think they were Siberian Tigers by the look of them - they looked soooo relaxed and comfy and they're floof was on end, my friend Fern and I just wanted to hope over the fence and curl up with them in the sun (relax, we know how that would actually go). We got really close to the cheetah as well snoozing away.
It wasn't just a trip to look around, the day was based on what measures are put/not put in place to be more environmentally friendly. My favourite part of the day was when we were taken to an non-public area where this charity called Grow4Good works - it basically is an acre for gardening and growing fruit and vegetables where people with emotional and mental conditions and difficulties can spend some time to better themselves. I was beaming inside looking at the place and the head honcho of the charity was lovely and so friendly! I could totally see myself planting and sewing seeds there for my own wellbeing. Then I thought about our own plot at home - my dad bought a plot so we could grow our own vegetables and he goes when he has some time free. Some would say 'Well if you like the sound of the charity work, just go to the plot with your dad!' I did think about it, but I know how my dad is, he wants the plot managed very much his own way, it's his baby, so it wouldn't be very relaxing.
Maybe I should look up some Bournemouth based charities that helps with mental illness sufferers, I think that would be great! I remember him saying how it helps them to trust again and I think that is so important for me, especially when it comes to family. It is a sad fact to admit, but that's it. At least I'm trying to find good ways to deal with it :) I've had a long hot shower so I'm now in my pyjamas, thinking about food and I will treat myself to a brownie in a mug!!
OOHH OH OH I almost forgot - a letter arrived which was a copy of my chronic ill health form I submitted at university and it says it was approved! YES! The biggest relief - that means I get 10 extra days for my upcoming deadlines. A bit more breathing space, so I will do my best to take advantage and really spend the time wisely and productively :)
Sunday 9 March 2014
Another one of those days
Mood: Disappointed
So disappointed in myself today. I have doing my best to reflect more positively on myself and to not be my own worst enemy anymore, but today is a tough one. It has been another one of those days where I plan/intend on getting some work done and what have I been doing?? Browsing eBay for bargains, stuffing my face with salted popcorn and watching youtube videos one after the other *sigh* shame on me!! :(
I still have plenty of the day left, hopefully my brain won't shut down as it tends to in the late afternoon. I know I've got to do it though and I don't have all the time in world. Aaargh no motivation to work whatsoever. What the heck am I supposed to do?! You can't will yourself to get into academic mode - at least I can't - I still don't know how to get myself in the mood to study.
I haven't been getting the amount of sleep I need the past few nights, so I will try to get straight back into that, so an early night for me tonight! I am up early for a day trip to Dartmoor Zoo tomorrow. Dartmoor Zoo is supposed to have some big cats though, so I will enjoy seeing them - seeing tigers in person is always a great reminder as to why I am here at uni :) I look forward to that.
I do feel sad whenever my boyfriend leaves on a Sunday to go back to his place. Sunday nights feel the loneliest, but after a day or so I get excited about Fridays all over again ha!
So disappointed in myself today. I have doing my best to reflect more positively on myself and to not be my own worst enemy anymore, but today is a tough one. It has been another one of those days where I plan/intend on getting some work done and what have I been doing?? Browsing eBay for bargains, stuffing my face with salted popcorn and watching youtube videos one after the other *sigh* shame on me!! :(
I still have plenty of the day left, hopefully my brain won't shut down as it tends to in the late afternoon. I know I've got to do it though and I don't have all the time in world. Aaargh no motivation to work whatsoever. What the heck am I supposed to do?! You can't will yourself to get into academic mode - at least I can't - I still don't know how to get myself in the mood to study.
I haven't been getting the amount of sleep I need the past few nights, so I will try to get straight back into that, so an early night for me tonight! I am up early for a day trip to Dartmoor Zoo tomorrow. Dartmoor Zoo is supposed to have some big cats though, so I will enjoy seeing them - seeing tigers in person is always a great reminder as to why I am here at uni :) I look forward to that.
I do feel sad whenever my boyfriend leaves on a Sunday to go back to his place. Sunday nights feel the loneliest, but after a day or so I get excited about Fridays all over again ha!
A Wonderful Saturday
Mood yesterday: Blissful
I was with my guy all Saturday and it was the best! I was productive, managing to complete a piece of coursework for next week, we went out in the afternoon for some bits and pieces. He treated me to a shakeawayyyy, I haven't had one in such a long time, I think maybe a year or two! The weather was so nice, it was warm enough to be out in a strappy top - I was over the moon that it was warm :D
I was with my guy all Saturday and it was the best! I was productive, managing to complete a piece of coursework for next week, we went out in the afternoon for some bits and pieces. He treated me to a shakeawayyyy, I haven't had one in such a long time, I think maybe a year or two! The weather was so nice, it was warm enough to be out in a strappy top - I was over the moon that it was warm :D
The warmer the weather, the happier I am.
We had a lovely, Mexican dinner and we laughed a lot! I've been wanting to spend out time together chatting more rather than staring at a laptop screen watching a movie every night it was great! We did out a movie on later, but it was so nice just having a laugh, it was like a reconnection. We weren't losing touch or anything, but it did make me feel that bit more closer to him :)
It is days like this that I live for lately - and I am in much better spirits lately hoorahh! I think I really am starting to see the light at the end of this 3-year long tunnel. I now have 3 coursework pieces to do and 2 weeks of lessons left - how crazy is that?!!
Friday 7 March 2014
@Bristol Trip
Today's mood: Content
Not a lot has happened today, I am still feeling on the good side though not as much as I have been. I got very little sleep - I just couldn't switch off for some reason. I was up an hour later than usual just surfing the web and I went to bed not feeling very tired so I was doomed. The bad amount of sleep I think was the main killer of my day, but I was still feeling pretty happy :)
I went on that day trip, so it was a long day. Fairly standard, in fact a little boring since I'd been before! I thought I would enjoy it more than I did, so it was a little disappointing. It was Toddlers Day so buggies EVERYWHERE!! So many little kids - which I have no problem with - but there were just so many :P It was family overkill ha!
I got some good photos of what I wanted, so I feel satisfied with what I got out of my day.
Not a lot has happened today, I am still feeling on the good side though not as much as I have been. I got very little sleep - I just couldn't switch off for some reason. I was up an hour later than usual just surfing the web and I went to bed not feeling very tired so I was doomed. The bad amount of sleep I think was the main killer of my day, but I was still feeling pretty happy :)
I went on that day trip, so it was a long day. Fairly standard, in fact a little boring since I'd been before! I thought I would enjoy it more than I did, so it was a little disappointing. It was Toddlers Day so buggies EVERYWHERE!! So many little kids - which I have no problem with - but there were just so many :P It was family overkill ha!
I got some good photos of what I wanted, so I feel satisfied with what I got out of my day.
Thursday 6 March 2014
Still Feeling Goooood!
Mood: Upbeat!
Gosh it's been what, 3 days now?! I have been in a consistently good mood! This isn't much to shout home about for many people I bet, but for me WOAAAHHH this is massive :D I'm not sure whether it's my medication, it could well be - it is the most popular antidepressant prescribed, so I guess there's good reason for that!
I haven't done that much today. I've done lots of things, although many were small chore-y things that most people can do while on autopilot. Things like putting the dishes away, printing some work, my skincare routine. That kind of thing :) they all count to me, just getting out of bed is enough of an achievement this past year, so I am proud of myself that I got up, did some cleaning, done a teeny bit of work and even some cooking! I had roasted sweet potatoes for lunch....not with anything, literally just a pile of them.
While this mood is here, I think I will film at least one video tonight. I'm in the mood! I've been in my pyjamas all day but that's alright, I'll just put a nice top on and do my makeup - always very therapeutic - so I have a nice evening planned :) the I think it'll be nice to just chill browsing online, then go to bed at 10 as usual.
I am on a long trip away tomorrow with one of my classes, we are going to @Bristol in - you guessed it - Bristol tehe! It's a great science centre, I have been before, back last summer with my boyfriend and it was tremendous fun. Plus, because I can remember the centre fairly vividly, I can pretty much relax tomorrow and take photos for my report I am working on. Generally a good week I'd say, YAY1
Gosh it's been what, 3 days now?! I have been in a consistently good mood! This isn't much to shout home about for many people I bet, but for me WOAAAHHH this is massive :D I'm not sure whether it's my medication, it could well be - it is the most popular antidepressant prescribed, so I guess there's good reason for that!
While this mood is here, I think I will film at least one video tonight. I'm in the mood! I've been in my pyjamas all day but that's alright, I'll just put a nice top on and do my makeup - always very therapeutic - so I have a nice evening planned :) the I think it'll be nice to just chill browsing online, then go to bed at 10 as usual.
I am on a long trip away tomorrow with one of my classes, we are going to @Bristol in - you guessed it - Bristol tehe! It's a great science centre, I have been before, back last summer with my boyfriend and it was tremendous fun. Plus, because I can remember the centre fairly vividly, I can pretty much relax tomorrow and take photos for my report I am working on. Generally a good week I'd say, YAY1
Wednesday 5 March 2014
New year's resolution put into practice / Hair dye
Mood this evening: Happy bunnyyyy
I have been a real happy bunny the past 2 days! This is so good :D
I have been watching the happiest Youtube couple sooo much lately, literally any time I have spare I put them on in my background, even if I can't just sit and watch their videos. They are helping me so much, they are such an inspiration and really make me want to just smile, be more light-hearted and upbeat!
Earlier today, I was talking to my enhanced enabler who went with me to that panic and anxiety workshop I told you about in my post earlier today and I told her about my new year's resolution. I completely forgot about it until the workshop! I planned that this year I would be kinder to myself. Nice and simple, but very difficult for me. I am constantly bullying and criticising myself which I rarely even notice, but other people have to be on my side and point it out to help e become more aware of what on earth I am beating myself up about.
After dyeing my hair yesterday - I am planning to do a youtube video on my hair change - my guy said he wouldn't be keen on how I'm thinking of having it which made me sad a little, but it might grow on him. When I woke up this morning to be fair, I looked at my hair and it seemed orangey ginger and I freaked and thought 'I've got to buy some dark hair dye and get my natural colour back!!' but throughout the day I gradually got used to it and didn't mind. I think I will get a third pack of the same ombre dye and do that on myself at some point. Hopeful that it will come out as I want it :)
I have been a real happy bunny the past 2 days! This is so good :D
I have been watching the happiest Youtube couple sooo much lately, literally any time I have spare I put them on in my background, even if I can't just sit and watch their videos. They are helping me so much, they are such an inspiration and really make me want to just smile, be more light-hearted and upbeat!
Earlier today, I was talking to my enhanced enabler who went with me to that panic and anxiety workshop I told you about in my post earlier today and I told her about my new year's resolution. I completely forgot about it until the workshop! I planned that this year I would be kinder to myself. Nice and simple, but very difficult for me. I am constantly bullying and criticising myself which I rarely even notice, but other people have to be on my side and point it out to help e become more aware of what on earth I am beating myself up about.
After dyeing my hair yesterday - I am planning to do a youtube video on my hair change - my guy said he wouldn't be keen on how I'm thinking of having it which made me sad a little, but it might grow on him. When I woke up this morning to be fair, I looked at my hair and it seemed orangey ginger and I freaked and thought 'I've got to buy some dark hair dye and get my natural colour back!!' but throughout the day I gradually got used to it and didn't mind. I think I will get a third pack of the same ombre dye and do that on myself at some point. Hopeful that it will come out as I want it :)
Overcoming Panic & Anxiety Workshop
Mood today: Dazed
It was the kind of day that I feel like I was never completely there, whatever I was doing, as if my day was kind of a dream. I went to a 2-hour workshop on overcoming panic and anxiety and got the chance to talk privately with the speaker which was reassuring.
It has made me want to take up the option to go to a mental health service through a GP referral again. Only thing is, if I get the referral now, by the time it goes through and it's time to actually attend, my degree might have finished! Sooo it might be a case of registering back home in Bournemouth again and getting a referral soon after getting home in June. Through the workshop, I did get really careless. I keep going through these dips of thinking 'I can't be bothered to try to get better anymore!' since I first went to the GP for help around 2 years or so ago.
It really was a good workshop though, the speaker was very informative and relaxed and down-to-earth, we had handouts to make notes on and there were diagrams and all sorts. A lot of these diagram handouts I already have because they do a few panic and anxiety talks and I went to one before Christmas, in the autumn term. It is very generic and, of course everyone's situation let's say is different and unique to them, but mine is more complex with having the triple threat :P
I am feeling good though, tomorrow I am pushing on with some coursework that needs polishing off and my yummy from-scratch dinner is soon to come out of the oven - it smells delicious!!
It was the kind of day that I feel like I was never completely there, whatever I was doing, as if my day was kind of a dream. I went to a 2-hour workshop on overcoming panic and anxiety and got the chance to talk privately with the speaker which was reassuring.
It has made me want to take up the option to go to a mental health service through a GP referral again. Only thing is, if I get the referral now, by the time it goes through and it's time to actually attend, my degree might have finished! Sooo it might be a case of registering back home in Bournemouth again and getting a referral soon after getting home in June. Through the workshop, I did get really careless. I keep going through these dips of thinking 'I can't be bothered to try to get better anymore!' since I first went to the GP for help around 2 years or so ago.
It really was a good workshop though, the speaker was very informative and relaxed and down-to-earth, we had handouts to make notes on and there were diagrams and all sorts. A lot of these diagram handouts I already have because they do a few panic and anxiety talks and I went to one before Christmas, in the autumn term. It is very generic and, of course everyone's situation let's say is different and unique to them, but mine is more complex with having the triple threat :P
I am feeling good though, tomorrow I am pushing on with some coursework that needs polishing off and my yummy from-scratch dinner is soon to come out of the oven - it smells delicious!!
Tuesday 4 March 2014
Happy as a pup with two tails!!
I am in such a good mood today! I didn't wake up like that, I felt sick with nerves before the presentation I told you about - it went well though! Very happy with that.
I had the following lecture by myself, my mates didn't show up, but it was okay because I had my Dictaphone and microphone. I could just sit and really listen to what my lecturer was saying, which was strangely relaxing. Lessons are much more tense when you are panicking about keeping up while writing notes!
I had the afternoon off so my flatmate/best friend and I went into town and treated ourselves to some hair dye :) dyeing each other's hair was very relaxing! My hair is soooo long and super thick, so I always need 2 packs, so it is a long process - I am currently waiting for my 2nd batch to sink in to my hair, got another 40 minutes to wait uhh - but it should come out great! I have wanted to do this for a while, so we shall seeee.
My guy is spending the night over tonight, which is always the HAPPIEST news for me, and since it is Shrove Tuesday/Pancake Day we will be getting pizza followed by some attempts to make pancakes - I don't have much hope, we don't have a lot of culinary skill between us, but we have tremendous fun giving things a go together!
Today is the best best best day in ages, I have felt so good ever since we got our presentation over and done with first thing and nothing/noone has really bugged me. GOLDEN DAY!
Monday 3 March 2014
Eveningtime / Presentations / The end is finally in sight
Gosh, today was a whirlwind of emotions! I am in a much better mood in the evenings. I have been preparing my part of a group presentation for tomorrow morning. Not nervous, though I will be in the morning and during - I shake like a leaf!
I did wonder about emailing my lecturer about my anxiety and ask that it is put into consideration. I feel if it was known last year, I may have gotten better marks. I would sway during my presentation to curb my anxiety in front of people, but I was marked down for it. It's fair enough, I didn't chase it up or anything and it was a valid point to work on I suppose.
I don't want to make excuses whenever I'm not happy with a grade and just say 'Oh, I was freaking out!'. I don't want to be petty and not own up to my mistakes and weaknesses.
I now know what I am saying tomorrow morning word for word - a script is the best way for me to do presentations and the preparation and practice shows :) I will make myself extra purty! I actually have a fairly busy day tomorrow, I'm in til 4ish I believe? Not too bad so, yay :)
I soon felt better today after getting back to the flat around 5 and getting to take off my shoes haha! I just needed some lone wolf time and comfort things. I have been drinking fairtrade decaf coffee, it's lovely. My favourite thing though, is to watch my favourite couples on youtube and their day-to-day vlogs. It is so inspirational, they are so happy and in harmony with each other (I am referring to more than one couple) and I aspire to have a similarly happy lifestyle.
I saw a wonderful quote on Pinterest earlier today: Become the person you would like to meet.
That really resonated with me, because I know of girls that I often think 'They would be the best fun at a dinner party!' - wow I'm an old soul - and over the years I've often heard how a mechanical smile at first can turn into a genuine smile. Maybe that is the similar attitude I must take. I am determined to cheer the heck up!
I have a document on my laptop listing all of my deadlines except exams: the due dates, the module it's for, how far into the piece I've gotten etc. I really comforted myself by looking at it and simply thinking 'There is more behind me than ahead of me.' You've no idea how much better that made me feel about this year! Being more than halfway, possibly 3/4, through the year's work takes some weight off my shoulders. I have done most of it and there isn't much left! When people say 'Ohh, you haven't far to go now!' it really doesn't do anything for me, but looking at my coursework list in front of me seemed to work :) weird ha. The end really does seem in sight now, once I get through this month, all coursework pieces are FINITO and I can then move on to revision and dissertation presentation prep.
Breathe Jess, breathe!!
I did wonder about emailing my lecturer about my anxiety and ask that it is put into consideration. I feel if it was known last year, I may have gotten better marks. I would sway during my presentation to curb my anxiety in front of people, but I was marked down for it. It's fair enough, I didn't chase it up or anything and it was a valid point to work on I suppose.
I don't want to make excuses whenever I'm not happy with a grade and just say 'Oh, I was freaking out!'. I don't want to be petty and not own up to my mistakes and weaknesses.
I now know what I am saying tomorrow morning word for word - a script is the best way for me to do presentations and the preparation and practice shows :) I will make myself extra purty! I actually have a fairly busy day tomorrow, I'm in til 4ish I believe? Not too bad so, yay :)
I soon felt better today after getting back to the flat around 5 and getting to take off my shoes haha! I just needed some lone wolf time and comfort things. I have been drinking fairtrade decaf coffee, it's lovely. My favourite thing though, is to watch my favourite couples on youtube and their day-to-day vlogs. It is so inspirational, they are so happy and in harmony with each other (I am referring to more than one couple) and I aspire to have a similarly happy lifestyle.
I saw a wonderful quote on Pinterest earlier today: Become the person you would like to meet.
That really resonated with me, because I know of girls that I often think 'They would be the best fun at a dinner party!' - wow I'm an old soul - and over the years I've often heard how a mechanical smile at first can turn into a genuine smile. Maybe that is the similar attitude I must take. I am determined to cheer the heck up!
I have a document on my laptop listing all of my deadlines except exams: the due dates, the module it's for, how far into the piece I've gotten etc. I really comforted myself by looking at it and simply thinking 'There is more behind me than ahead of me.' You've no idea how much better that made me feel about this year! Being more than halfway, possibly 3/4, through the year's work takes some weight off my shoulders. I have done most of it and there isn't much left! When people say 'Ohh, you haven't far to go now!' it really doesn't do anything for me, but looking at my coursework list in front of me seemed to work :) weird ha. The end really does seem in sight now, once I get through this month, all coursework pieces are FINITO and I can then move on to revision and dissertation presentation prep.
Breathe Jess, breathe!!
FULL ANGER MODE! / Reason behind my blog
I am fuming today, everyone is bugging me!
I don't know if I am being more defensive than usual - it's really strange, I woke up in a pretty good mood this morning - but anything anyone says makes me want to punch them in the face, unless they are agreeing with me on something. I am in 'insane rollercoaster', full anger mode today RAAAA.
I took my laptop in to uni this morning and at one point I started to write a new blog post. My mate instantly saw what I was doing and was all 'Be more positive! Positive thoughts!'. OH. I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALISE I WAS FORCING YOU TO READ THIS. My blog is an intense read, it isn't exactly children book material, it's not a motivational read, I am simply writing my day-to-day experiences and thoughts/feelings about goings on in my life.
I'm afraid that a lot of the time my blog site won't be very uplifting. Obviously when good things are happening, I will write about it, I do my best not to leave things out. I like to really get as much as I can out there and be totally honest, so that readers can gain some understanding, at least from my perspective, of living with multiple mental conditions.
I want to climb into bed and just sleep and be by myself.
I don't know if I am being more defensive than usual - it's really strange, I woke up in a pretty good mood this morning - but anything anyone says makes me want to punch them in the face, unless they are agreeing with me on something. I am in 'insane rollercoaster', full anger mode today RAAAA.
I took my laptop in to uni this morning and at one point I started to write a new blog post. My mate instantly saw what I was doing and was all 'Be more positive! Positive thoughts!'. OH. I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALISE I WAS FORCING YOU TO READ THIS. My blog is an intense read, it isn't exactly children book material, it's not a motivational read, I am simply writing my day-to-day experiences and thoughts/feelings about goings on in my life.
I'm afraid that a lot of the time my blog site won't be very uplifting. Obviously when good things are happening, I will write about it, I do my best not to leave things out. I like to really get as much as I can out there and be totally honest, so that readers can gain some understanding, at least from my perspective, of living with multiple mental conditions.
I want to climb into bed and just sleep and be by myself.
Sunday 2 March 2014
Staying in bed / Productivity Levels: 0
I stay in bed a lot more nowadays. I'm tired all day long and you already know I am sleeping so much every single night! Which I am loving. It isn't making me more energised in the day though, I just want to stayyy in bed! For a long while I've been strict on myself with not spending time in/on my bed during the day so my body clock is right and I sleep easier, but since that hasn't been a problem lately and I am just lazing in pyjamas anyway I thought - ppfff what the heck.
I've been starting to get annoyed at really little things, but I'm sure it's just because I am so wound up with everything I have coming up. I've also had no time to make any videos - well the opportunities come and go and I never feel like doing my makeup or making myself look presentable enough for the camera! Uhh I'd better get back on that, I need one hobby for goodness sake!
The days are whizzing by soo fast! If I am not in uni or just going in later I'll sleep until around 9 or 10 (so that's around 11 hours sleep!) and I'll do some bits and pieces but I can't plan/try to do too much or I will shut down and accomplish NOTHING. A very little amount of work is better than nothing right!
Should be receiving an email from the faculty office probably after another week or so, I filled and gave in an extenuating circumstances form for several pieces of coursework coming up and a chronic ill health form, which I didn't even know existed before! If it is validated I think it is 10 days extra time I get for deadlines. I was surprised, I thought it would do more than that, but that's fine I would use the time, I wouldn't just take advantage and not do anything for longer!
I've been starting to get annoyed at really little things, but I'm sure it's just because I am so wound up with everything I have coming up. I've also had no time to make any videos - well the opportunities come and go and I never feel like doing my makeup or making myself look presentable enough for the camera! Uhh I'd better get back on that, I need one hobby for goodness sake!
The days are whizzing by soo fast! If I am not in uni or just going in later I'll sleep until around 9 or 10 (so that's around 11 hours sleep!) and I'll do some bits and pieces but I can't plan/try to do too much or I will shut down and accomplish NOTHING. A very little amount of work is better than nothing right!
Should be receiving an email from the faculty office probably after another week or so, I filled and gave in an extenuating circumstances form for several pieces of coursework coming up and a chronic ill health form, which I didn't even know existed before! If it is validated I think it is 10 days extra time I get for deadlines. I was surprised, I thought it would do more than that, but that's fine I would use the time, I wouldn't just take advantage and not do anything for longer!
Saturday 1 March 2014
A partner helps soo much!
I am in a good mood today :) it is the weekend, so my boyfriend is round mine. It could be a combination of getting plenty of sleep lately and the joy of having him with me.
He makes me the happiest me!!
We are heading out for lunch soon - Mexican, yum! - then I will aim to get some work done. In the mood that I'm in, I think I will get some done. After seeing one of my enablers yesterday, I feel on track with everything.
Presentation next week: scripted, just need to practice it.
Report: just needs polishing off.
Dissertation: Getting there very gradually! I have another month, so we'll see :)
The best thing that I've been doing is going to bed around 10 - the ins and outs of the day are just draining me but there is a big up side! I am getting around 9 or 10 hours of sleep every night. Starting to think that 10 hours sleep is my optimum amount!
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