Sleep tends to be a much harder challenge back home, it is very unfortunate that my ptsd trauma had to occur in my bedroom, let alone at all. A decade later and it is still my room, though plenty about it has changed. In a way it is good for me to stay here - a long-term exposure therapy if you will - though it never feels like it in the present.
My ptsd is not often a problem anymore (although I haven't been home for a couple of months, so we'll see), it does still reer it's ugly head if I am unbalanced - I can hear myself turning into Cesar Millan... - or particularly stressed. It makes me more vulnerable to memories and imagination converging into the most horrible combination.
The recent trouble with my close friend and housemate was giving me bad nights again for a week or so, images were coming back and had more power. I had felt so guilty about my mental illness that when the images came and flashbacks I couldn't fight them off, I didn't feel good enough about myself.
I can thank my ptsd for making me more aware of whether I am in a good place or not.
The less struggle I have = the easier I sleep = the more in balance/at peace my mind is. It is an indicator of my current state, so if I don't already know how I'm feeling, my ability to go to sleep will tell me!
Being back at the source is always nerveracking - strangely enough it gets harder to handle the longer I am home :/ peculiar! This is my first night home since Easter and I'm not sure I will sleep too well. My friendship problem didn't feel completely resolved, so I can tell I am a bit on edge with it still - it all happened in the last 5 days!
I must find my balance.
No comments:
Post a Comment