May Thank Yous

At the end of every month, I list people I wish to say thank you to and why to show my gratitude. Thank you to:

My mum for making an incredible effort to understand and support me and reminding me of my place in the family.

My boyfriend for always believing in me and keeping me optimistic of the future.

My best mate for looking forward to seeing me and being my friend through it all.

Thank you Xx

Lonely moments

Feeling really lonely this afternoon. While mum is in London for the weekend, dad is off working and I'm....sitting here. I did some revision today I am happy to say! An hour or so, I have the notes stuck to my wall as proof, so I feel good about that. Feeling lonely since coming home is a worry that my medication isn't the right dosage for me at this point. I must remember to re-register with the doctor here so that I can continue to receive my medication for the next few months.

All day it has just been me and Bondi Vet spending quality time together, I've also done some embroidery thread organising and bought a couple of things for my kit online. Looking forward to hopefully give blood on monday, there shouldn't be any reason why I can't, unless my blood simply isn't up to scratch - let's hope!

Family bonds are getting better every day, I wish someone was around to keep me company. Mum doesn't finish work for the summer for another 3 weeks so I'd best put together some targets:

Meet up with my best mate: once a week

Visit neighbour with dog: at least once next week

Revise: 2 hours a week

Apart from that, I will just spend time with mum whenver she is around, maybe bake the odd yummies! These targets should keep me from staying inside all day every day. I know it isn't much, but baby steps :)

Animal Planet

Mood: Happy

Feel so much more relaxed and safe being at home, glad I'm not travelling anywhere today! I am getting into a routine of putting on Animal Planet in the morning to start the day off well. If there is anything to put me in a good mood, it's animals, of course! My favourite programmes are 'Animal Rescue' and 'Bondi Vet', both set in Australia. Australia is so good with animals, they issue proper fines and prosecute when appropriate, not like here in the UK, we barely punish people for animal cruelty, it's ridiculous and gets me really angry!

London trip

Mood: Drained

Today has flashed by in a second! It is a fairly late post because I went to London to see my sister in a rehearsal performance this afternoon before she goes touring around the UK.

A 6:15am wake up is ever going to get someone on my good side, but we had to get an early coach followed by the train to make it there for 1pm. I was pretty nervous travelling in London, the hustle and bustle is too much for me to take in = sensory overload!! I felt like a little kitten lost on New York City’s streets. I almost cried on the train because I felt the overwhelming need to wrap up in a soft, fluffy blanket to feel safe. Once we got there for the matinee rehearsal, I relaxed a little bit.

I wanted to be left alone by friends of my mum’s, but people were coming up to me in the interval asking me if I sang too or what I did. It was nice to be asked, but at the same time I wanted to be invisible. Mum briefly told a friend how, over the years, people have asked if I'm the singer or the other one and it was comforting to hear that they thought that was harsh. I'm glad mum remembers that because it is a key element that caused my low self-esteem, I'm sure.

Uuuuuuuhh so tired. The journey back from London was much faster and it was just my dad and I, so relieved that it went smoothly. So many things to think about - train tickets, coach passes, get off at this stop, walk straight, left, straight.....

Finally in bed all cosy with chocolate cupcakes my best friend generously made for me and a jar of nutella.

Do you like any nibbles?

Bubble bath panic attack

Mood: Okay

Yesterday was an okay day, the thing was I was looking forward to spending my birthday with family since I was home, but mum doesn't finish work for a while yet and dad was just in his room most of the day :( I know it is his cave, but I thought on my birthday he would stay with us a little, especially since we were watching animal rescue and nature programmes, we love watching them together :) so it was me and my boyfriend all day pretty much, it was nice though, I was so happy he was here.

Got some nice little things, some cosmetics, earrings and embroidery threads for my cross stitch :) an easy hobby to have since you can find lots of embroidery things in charity shops!

I'm pretty tired from today, I exhausted myself this morning by getting emotional and anxious about going out to see my best mate and her little girl. I had the beginnings of a panic attack in a midday bubble bath, but I calmed before it really became anything. It isn't what I am going out for, people find this so hard to understand, it is the thought of leaving the safety of four walls. I did go out though and it was nice. I knew I would feel better for it, it was totally worth seeing the two of them :D

In the living room watching dad play on the wii - basically what I wanted us to do yesterday. Don't feel too comfortable though. The phone has gone off twice, once he was playing and I wouldn't answer it so dad yelled at me because he had to pause his game and answer the phone. Then the phone rang just a couple of minutes ago and it was right next to me, I got myself to answer it and there was no noise or anyone speaking so I hung up. I mumbled saying that was scary and he told me off again :( now I feel like a baby and really rubbish. I must look like a lamb that is scared of its own shadow. To be honest, that's how I feel the majority of the time.

Jess the Scaredy Lamb

Do you ever get told to just 'get over it' or 'knock it off' when you're scared or anxious?

My 22nd Birthday!!

I'm 22 noooowww!!

Mood: Happy

Feeling good today despite an early start for some random reason. Mum is at work and dad is sticking to himself as usual, but thankfully my boyfriend is here so I have some company during the day :)

We wated The Blue Planet and other animals - my happy place when it comes to tv!

Got to love nature programmes

I bought some paint tester pots yesterday and we've tried those out as well, painting was fun. I was tempted to just keep going regardless of whether I liked the colour - there's something therapeutic about using a paintbrush and seeing instant visual changes in front of you.

The rest of my day isn't going to be particularly special, maybe some fun times on the wii - sports, dancing, races etc. The thing about my birthday, especially now, is that it makes you aware of people who care for you. I woke up thinking 'I won't get any messages' but it's okay, the people who love me and are super special are around and I am with family (apart from my sister sadly) and my guy :)

DIY / Birthday prep / Giving blood

Mood: Happy

Yesterday couldn't have gone more differently than what we had planned! It became a long DIY job actually, I've had plans to change around my room and the furniture so my parents and I were like a little team, dismantling my wardrobe and reassembling it in another room because I don't need it. I don't have many clothes at all!

Since my room is the attic, I also have a small room with the attic stairs that I am turning into a sort of little office to revise for my September exams and any further study (hopefully that canine care diploma in October!). Tons of things propped up on eBay now, I'm getting really impatient, come ooooon!

My birthday is tomorroww! :D
So plans are underway. I have to do some errands this morning, get a few foodie things and I will be nipping to Wilkinson's down the road to have a fun browse at wall paint for my room! Ahhh painting is so fun! I think I will pick some pretty, bright artificial flowers to display in my room to make the room happier.

Happy touches make the world of difference

Click on image to go to NHS page about donating blood

Ooooh also, now that I have been on my medication steadily for a few months, I can finally give blood for the first time! So to mark the beginning of my 23rd year on Earth, I am going to start giving blood as regularly as possible.

I looked up online how long you have to wait between blood donations - MONTHS!! Seriously?!! I absolutely understand the purpose of giving it time, but....that's just a lot more time than I expected :(

I have wanted to donate for months but my changes in medication over the past several months has meant that it's never been a good time, but thankfully there is a session on this Friday 30th in the middle of town so I am going to go :D

Giving to others is one of the best treatments for your own wellbeing

Social worries

Mood: Okay

Little birds near my bedroom window twittering away, it's such a nice sound.

A pretty simple plan for my day today:

Be neighbourly

Afternoon outing

Don't want to go out this afternoon. I am happy to go 2 doors down, but as far as a trip out uuuuuuugh no. We would hopefully bump into my best mate who I love to pieces, we've been friends for many years, but I just feel constantly anxious. I wouldn't be able to pinpoint what I am nervous about, it is alot of the time just an ongoing vibe, constantly on edge or restless.

Friends have often taken my reluctance to go hang out personally as if it is something to do with them when that isn't the case. It isn't who I am with necessarily, it is more what we are doing. I suppose the more familiar the better, as a creature of habit I find routine pretty comforting. I wonder when the last time was that I truly felt relaxed :/ I suppose an element of it is who I am with, but it isn't that I don't want to be around them, but I have constant worries of rejection, misunderstanding, judgement etc. That is how I feel with anyone, I anticipate that the following day something will cause them to not like me or accept me.

You would think I would sleep well after my mind draining my energy all day with little nagging worries, but that's when the ptsd sometimes comes into play...

Make it happen

Mood: Bright and breezy

My mood definitely matches the weather today! So lovely.

Went to sleep fairly easily, wasn't as anxious in bed. For some reason, it felt easier to hold onto a nice thought/image in my mind. Mine was that day when I got some husky love!

Focussing on a positive, strong image that fills you with happiness makes sleep less of a struggle to achieve.

Mum and I had a lovely breakfast, one of my favourite things to do with family is talk of fun memories, things we used to do with my grandparents or outings when I was little. I love hearing stories about my parents when they were young. Frequent reminders that life can be full of happy moments = all too easy to forget! It is simply a case of finding them.

If you stare at the ground all the time, you will never see the sky.

While mum has gone to church, I am going to bob around the house doing things. Mainly organising my room and planning what to put up on eBay but with chores every now and then too. It's great, it feels very cleansing to detox your things and make change - I love it! Especially with depression it helps because it lessens the feeling that you are stuck, that 'I will be like this forever!' mode. If your external environment can change, anything can and you can make it happen.

No longer a secret

I told mum about my blog this morning during breakfast. It felt right, my mum has been there for me and I have really felt the support over the past couple of months :) so I'm glad that's out in the open!

A good first day home. I've done a lot of organising and putting things away, coming up with ideas to change my room. I arranged my wardrobe by colour, it is one big rainbow now!

Oh no....afternoon dip has hit me. Fab. My internet cutting out repeatedly stopped me being productive and now I'm a grumpy kitty. I just so happen to be wearing a pretty cat ear head band as well! Maybe a cup of tea will bring me up again.

Mum is out this afternoon doing some fundraising for a charity she helps with, I was supposed to go, but like always on the day, nope it wasn't going to happen. I wanted to get unpacked properly and sort my room out. Organising puts my mind in such a good place, it's the best boost for me - rearranging furniture, knick-knacks, throwing some things away, put things in a bag to possible donate...

I'm going to go eBay nuts and sell lots of little things the family doesn't need, I've never done it before, but how hard can it be :/ mum would say I'm a tech wiz and I'd probably enjoy setting it up and everything. I will tell you if anything is successful.

Back at the source

It's been a while since I did a midnight post.

Sleep tends to be a much harder challenge back home, it is very unfortunate that my ptsd trauma had to occur in my bedroom, let alone at all. A decade later and it is still my room, though plenty about it has changed. In a way it is good for me to stay here - a long-term exposure therapy if you will - though it never feels like it in the present.

My ptsd is not often a problem anymore (although I haven't been home for a couple of months, so we'll see), it does still reer it's ugly head if I am unbalanced - I can hear myself turning into Cesar Millan... - or particularly stressed. It makes me more vulnerable to memories and imagination converging into the most horrible combination.

The recent trouble with my close friend and housemate was giving me bad nights again for a week or so, images were coming back and had more power. I had felt so guilty about my mental illness that when the images came and flashbacks I couldn't fight them off, I didn't feel good enough about myself.

I can thank my ptsd for making me more aware of whether I am in a good place or not.

The less struggle I have = the easier I sleep = the more in balance/at peace my mind is. It is an indicator of my current state, so if I don't already know how I'm feeling, my ability to go to sleep will tell me!

Being back at the source is always nerveracking - strangely enough it gets harder to handle the longer I am home :/ peculiar! This is my first night home since Easter and I'm not sure I will sleep too well. My friendship problem didn't feel completely resolved, so I can tell I am a bit on edge with it still - it all happened in the last 5 days!

I must find my balance.

Let's go home

Mood: Upbeat

Feel a bit ill to be honest, I haven't anything to eat til my dad gets here this afternoon :/ I've managed my food well this time though, nothing extra to bring back.

Didn't sleep too well last night, I felt a little bit like a child the day before something exciting, I just kept tossing and turning! Now my mind is tossing and turning. A big move is always a bit stressful for anyone, I can't stop worrying about if I forget anything and I have to leave my room spotless. Shouldn't be too difficult, I'm always pretty tidy :)

ACTION PLAN!

Clean shower, cabinet, loo + sink

Clean oven top

Wash fridge drawers...are they called drawers?!

Clean cupboard (avoid residing spider!)

When dad gets here:

Clear everything out to the car

Hoover bedroom

Polish EVERYTHIIING

Check drawers

Give in keys and forms to estate agents

Then home we go! I actually packed everything a couple of days ago, I'm too impatient and you know I like to organise :) feels like a tip with bags everywhere though, I really don't like it! Right I'm going to get on this list, time will move on by faster and it'll distract me from my stomach growling.

Depression - 1, Friendships - 0

Well done Depression, you've managed to cost me my first friend and a close one at that. I know mental health sufferers have strain on their relationships, it affected my family instantly and now that is being worked through and they are understanding much more now, but now it has affected my friendships.

I thought that if I admitted my mental condition to my flatmate that that would be all it would take for us to live in harmony - that she would just need to know about it. Looking back, I think I was a bit naiive. If I could do it over again, I would try to explain the best I can how it might feel for her. I looked up some articles online and have found some good advice/tips for someone living with a sufferer:

Avoid getting angry when she's feeling bad about herself. Depression isn't a problem that is curable with tough love; it requires understanding what happens when someone has the disorder.

Avoid lying to protect the person.

Understand the disorder. Take time to find out what depression is and is not. So many popular misunderstandings about the illness and so much denial about its origins exist.

Remember that the other person has a real illness. Like someone with cancer, they can't simply “get over it.” Try not to express your frustration or anger in ways you'll regret, but don't suppress your own feelings either. Repressing your needs can lead to resentment and erode the living situation. You can say for example, “I know that you can't help feeling down, but I feel frustrated.”

I tried to resolve the relationship but it hasn't worked, I can't apologise away resentment. The only comfort I can get from this is that I have learned from it and it is a harsh reminder that communication and understanding are key for anyone to get through mental health problems, as well as their loved ones. Sometimes it just doesn't work out and people take things personally.

When someone is depressed, they are very sensitive to all of your actions, words, and emotions.

Anxiety or phobia?

1 day to go!

Mood: Excitable

I'm on my way family!!!

A rough night that was, some drunk guys decided our street was the perfect stage for their singing concert.....at 5 in the morning *sigh* I am looking forward to not living in Studentville anymore, certainly not for me!

Oh noooo, rain! It looks pretty gloomy today :( I was planning to go out! Hmmm I suppose it is only me stopping me from going out, the rain isn't going to hurt me.... I'll just wrap up a bit :) I am getting into the habit of staying in at the smallest sign of....well, anything. Really need to curb that anxiety pattern before it becomes a case of Agoraphobia. How would I get by then?!

It seems I'm afraid of birds too. I never thought so, but I can't bear them flying over my head or nearby. I don't mind a few, but the more there are the more anxious I'll get. No clue where this came from! I remember going to feed the ducks with my boyfriend last year where we lived and so many birds came flocking over, I was on the other end of the park while he was surrounded! Strange how these things can creep up on you... I don't know the proper term for that phobia, that would be interesting to know.

Right, no, I'm going out! Today is going to be a nice day, I am ready for it despite the gloomy weather. We are heading to the aquarium today!

Are you going/have you been anywhere new lately?

I DID IT!

Aaahhh, le presentation is done!

While getting ready this morning I just kept asking myself 'What is the worst that could happen?! Is it really that bad?' - this usually doesn't work for me, but I was well prepared for today so I wasn't off-the-charts nervous.

My heart was in my throat when I got to campus. Thankfully with my learning support tutor she kept me doing deep breathing exercises while we waited (we were early and lecturer wasn't in her office). I knew I would be fine once I got into what I was talking about, it is always the anticipation more than anything.

Thankfully, my lecturer was very nice about it, it was more of a casual chat about my project than anything else. The three of us propped up my poster on her office wall and stood facing it and I talked through what I did. We discussed my results and what I came to find from doing it, problems etc. Chilling for the rest of the day - got to soak in the happy, proud feeling for doing well!

Determined to give myself more praise when praise is due.

Here's a happy dog, just for you Xx

Presentation time

2 days to go!

Mood: Nervous as hell

Scared-out-of-its-mind kitty = me

My presentation is at half 12 *deep breath* 3.5 hours *deep breath* Thankfully I am only nervous because this is important, I know my stuff and I can talk around my subject. Oooh I find my project tutor a bit intimidating! Hopefully she will smile and nod as I go through it to make me feel like it's going okay. Uuuuuuhhh feel sick...

Okay..... okay, okay, I can do this, I can do this. I've done it before and in conditions that terrified me - this is nothing compared to last year in a big lecture theatre. This is a printed out poster - that I am very proud of - and I am presenting in her office with just us and my learning support tutor. Hopefully I will be able to answer all her questions :)

I have always been good at coming across pretty confidently (apart from last year when I got marked down for swaying - it was the only way to stop mysself from running out of the room!). It should be a doddle for me to present well.

If she lets me present my poster while sitting down that will be the best thing, I will be much more comfortable. Ooohh a cup of tea, if only I could hold a mug while I talk! It will feel like a casual chat.

I've just got to imagine a mug in my hand with a cat curled up on my lap, purring gently.

That'll about do it!

Getting people to understand

3 days to go!

Mood: Desperate

Dying to go home, I just need to be home! I need loving, supportive people around like my family who are doing their best to understand. Yesterday was such an emotional day, I've no idea how long I cried for, how long I was on the phone to family, how long I curled up in bed feeling guilty for being unwell and what it does to other people.

I am doing my best to resolve this friend situation. From previous blog posts about it, I know I seem very blunt about the whole thing, but thing is I had no idea what had happened - if I had done something or if there was something to admit to me - so naturally, being as anxious as I am, I'm not going to assume it's to do with borrowed cutlery am I :/ it will look huge in my mind, so I have to harness my nerves about it and be firm about the whole thing. How else am I supposed to stop myself from falling apart?

The choice is usually let it take over and rip me to pieces or stand firm and strong to get through.

*sigh* I just so desperately want to go home now :( I am sick of trying to make people understand, it is tiring enough trying to fight so many anxieties - of using the phone, of leaving the flat, meeting people - so many social situations make me uncomfortable and I put myself in this position to try and tackle it. People get over their fears by facing them don't they? That is all I am trying to do. Of course, on the surface and through other people's eyes there doesn't seem to be any effort made, but it is all inside, this is what people don't understand!!

The struggle is not visible, but it is truly there.

You can't force people to really understand, so when you have a close bond with someone, the trust is imperative. They know you don't see the world and life the way healthy minds do, they know getting dressed is a struggle in itself, they know that getting through a normal day feels like a hike.

From +Defeat Depression's facebook page: click here

I am not BY ANY MEANS belittling other's problems, I am very fortunate in many ways and ups and downs are part of life. I am merely trying to bring across.....I don't even know anymore :/

Emotional Abuse

I saw this post on the facebook page PTSD Break The Silence (click to see full post). Relationships are so tough when others do not fully understand, make assumptions, be judgemental. Often I find it is hardest when they believe they are doing their best to help - it fills you with the most heartwrenching guilt. How're you supposed to reply to that?!

People need to be aware of how to support the mental warriors in their lives.

Letting this worry go

4 days to go!

Mood: Ready

By myself again and feeling pretty good actually. A cuddly lie in does wonders and now I am feeling productive :) a few days ago, I came up with a schedule for this week, so now I can see whether I'm staying on track. Ahh schedules and lists, what a comfort!

In terms of my flatmate, who knows what her problem is, but I am happy to confidently say that it is HER problem if she doesn't want to talk to me. I am going home in 4 days and my oldest and bestest friend can't wait to see me :) so whatever this is, it's nothing for me to worry about. Friendships come and go and either that will be the reality of the situation or this whole thing is over barely anything and things turn out fine between us. Either way, I'm not stressing anymore. Home is too close :)

A true true friend helps a friend in need
a friend will be there to help them see
a true true friend helps a friend in need
to see the light that shines from a true true friend

I can't let things bother me right now - I'm still on cloud nine from the affectionate husky of my dreams yesterday! Oooh heart burn playing up this morning....

I'm not going to do tooo much today that involves walking around  - I want to spare my feet - so the blisters can heal. That might be a bit TMI but hey ^.^ I'm not exactly going to upload a picture hahaha!

Just breathe.

BEST DAY EVER!

5 days to go!

Mood: Very happy

My feet hate me, but today has been so darn wonderful! Once again, a gorgeous day - I didn't even go out with a jumper (which at one point I did regret), it was so warm but you didn't want to get caught in the breeze..a little chilly by the shore.

The two of us went out this afternoon just to go for a wander and bask in the sunshine a little while it's got it's hat on! Being in the bubbly, bright mood that I was, I decided to wear pretty sandals that have kitten heels and some chain detailing: such. a. bad. move. My boyfriend, even after treating me to a shakeaway AND lunch, was generous enough to give me a foot massage, they were so sore and painful! I have 5 blisters in total *sigh* bleugh I am surprised he went anywhere near my feet.

We saw in town the most STUNNING DOGS EVER!! Heading towards one of his favourite shops, we spotted 2 HUSKIES outside with a woman, one had a dark coat and the other was completely white. Of course, I stayed and stroked them both for a bit and the dark one slowly climbed onto me with its front paws and licked my face loads!!

BEST. DAY. EVERRRR!!!

I tell you, I have been on cloud nine all day since then. We were lying on a public green and I got hit by a group of guy's football twice, once right on the head: didn't bother me in the slightest. It's like I was in a happy trance. What could have been better. HUSKY HEAVEN! I would love one so much :D

Less than a week left!!

6 days to go!

Mood: Happy

A lush morning in bed, just chatting and laughing: heaven. We have no plans to go out today and I am perfectly happy with that. If it remains a nice day then maybe a visit to the park with a game of 'What Breed Is That?'

My guy has finished all his exams now, so he can truly relax and I am so happy to see him and have him with me for the weekend. Oh so tempted to get domino's pizza tonight hmmmm..... dilemma. I spoke to mum yesterday about the doggy diploma idea and of course it's up to me, but I feel that I need reassurance-like permission. It's comforting :)

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Less than a week left here!! Can't WAIT! All I have to do is carry on revising little by little each day and run through my presentation a few times :D all doable! I don't feel nervous at all for this presentation now - in a small office, just me, the lecturer and my learning support tutor for support and I know what I am talking about.

Knowing your subject is the best preparation.

Acceptance

As someone with mental illness - of course I can't speak for others - the feeling of acceptance is everything. For me, it encompasses all that I need - comfort and support. I am working hard to strengthen my bond with family and it is going very well. When you aren't related however.... friends can come and go easier than we think.

I am having trouble with a friend. She is avoiding me at all costs and not talking to me, even though 'we need to talk at some point'. I don't know her reasons for all this weird behaviour and it is starting to get under my skin. With each day I become more convinced that this is all because I am mentally unwell. If this was simply my personality, people would think I am lazy and ungrateful, but how can I make everyone I meet understand?

The depression makes it difficult to even get out of bed, I rarely get dressed anymore if I do get up. Anxiety makes it a struggle to go out, so I never see friends... that I thought I had. I have made new friends over the passing year, but I don't think they would pick up the phone if I needed someone to talk to.

I'm starting to think my flatmate wouldn't either.

It is the sad reality of being mentally ill and it isn't the angle many talk about I don't think, but relationships are so difficult to keep going and if you are friends with or related to someone with a mental illness, you must reassure them that you are there for them through it all and it doesn't bother them.

When I became depressed last summer, I didn't open up to any of my family, I gave my mum and sister the cold shoulder for months. Thing is, I would never do that for the sake of it. I knew something had changed but even I didn't know what was going on, so what could I say to them?! I was afraid to say anything in case of it blowing up into an argument (which ironically is exacly what happened when I got the nerve).

Surely my closest friend of the past 3 years wouldn't be like this?

Exciting future plans!!

7 days to go!

Mood: Excited

Nice and early today. It's funny, the longer I intend to sleep in, the earlier I am wide awake. Not fair! Still, 8am is a pretty comfortable time for me. Blue skies welcomed my at my window again, this is wonderful, the day is off to a pretty good start :)

Yesterday was really nice - I didn't manage to revise or go over my presentation, but I am well prepared and still have plenty of time to go over it and I will revise today. Our afternoon out in the sun was so nice! We got the boring stuff over with first, then relaxed on the public green by the sea, watching foreign students and testing our accent impressions, browsing TK Maxx and talking about my plans for the future.

Sadly it was the last time I will see her before September when I am back to sit my exams, but we will be in touch regularly to make sure I am keeping up my revision up til then. I will be doing the same with my learning support tutor, so they will keep me driven and on track :) I don't want to let them down after all the support they've given me. Deep down, I do want something to show for this additional year, it has been tough all along, to have nothing at the end would be very upsetting. While I am studying, all I want is for it to be over :/

* * * * *

The future looks bright!

Plans and ideas are whirring around my head and I am feelin so driven to get started. I discussed them yesterday and my enhanced enabler mentioned how they are all realistic and doable. Maybe that is why I can't wait to start; these plans sound very doable to me. I don't feel overwhelmed - yet - so I am so excited!

So, I have been searching online lately for online courses that I can do at home to do with dogs somehow - dog psychology, dog training etc - I was very general because I don't know what's out there. Then I found British College of Canine Studies! Online, affordable courses that you have a 2 year period to complete, but at your own pace. They have a range of diplomas, certificates and combined courses. Thing is, if I want to work with dogs in any way I need a qualification to say to customers: I know what I am doing, I am trustworthy.

I have read through the courses they have available and have found the most suitable course for my future plans: The Complete Canine Care Diploma. I will think long and hard about it, but there are some obvious pros.

• I'll be able to have a job at the same time
• Working at my own pace (big plus for someone with depression)
• Affordable
• You can pay in installments, so you can stop the course for whatever reason and you're not required to pay the rest
• Practical element option to be hands-on with some dogs!

I will ring home and see what my mum thinks - if I can work at the same time, I reckon that'll be all the reassurement she needs :) she just wants me to be able to support myself.

Love you mum! XxX

High spirit Thursday

8 days to go.

Mood: In high spirits

Woohooo! Today is going to be great! I have things to do throughout the day, so it'll be productive and I will have company this afternoon thanks to my enhanced enabler :) Last night I wrote up a meal plan to make sure I take home as little food as possible, I can't believe I hadn't come up with one before now! Only 7 meals left to make, that's nothing!

Curled up in bed last night, I thought up what to do this morning before heading out and now I'm following through. I like doing chores, it just makes me feel on top of things, though it might seem mundaine to most people! Simple things like washing up dishes, doing laundry, tidying are all therapeutic in my book.
So, today's to do list:

Laundry

Change bed

Get dressed

Clean makeup brushes

Practice presentation

Revise a little

Go to council place *yawn*

Museum

Ultimately, I think I can be quite content living alone, I simply need to keep myself occupied that's all. I've been doing the same thing the past week or so, but now things are further along I have different things to get on with. Looking forward to putting all my things together to go HOME!!

Have any fun plans over the next week?

Therapeutic properties of baking

Unforunately this afternoon didn't happen, that should be happening tomorrow. Not that it'll be that exciting, but some things you just have to do.

So with my afternoon suddenly free, I struck gold! I spent the time baking biscuits! Nothing special, just plain ones, but there's something scrummy about plain biscuits when they're nice and buttery. I wanted to at least sprinkle some icing sugar on top but I haven't got any :( Still, here are the biscuits:

There is something so relaxing about baking for me. Putting some elbow grease into beating and mixing the mixture, you can get your frustrations out and it is pretty draining so then you haven't the energy to stay frustrated if something's on your mind! If I know what I am doing pretty well, it is a way to channel my creativity and thought into something that needs concentration and is rewarding when it is all over!

It is a great way to bond with people too if you offer them a slice of cake or something. I will be putting a few of these in a bag for my enhanced enabler because tomorrow is the last time I am seeing her - although I will be seeing her again before my exams in September, but still - so I wanted to give her a nice token :)

Blue skies, nothin' but blue skies

9 days to go.

Mood: Okay

Well, a second night of tossing and turning but I've no idea why this time. Maybe I went to bed too early? It was 9:20 so maybe I was pushing it, but I couldn't stop yawning, I thought I would fall right to sleep! Never mind, I got a fair bit of sleep eventually.

A nice blue sky welcomed me into the day and it is a lovely sight - a nice change from the dark clouds - so it has made me feel more upbeat today. Then again, my mood is always at its best in the morning I've noticed. Not a lot to do today, so that's nice :) I am going out this afternoon to sort stuff out for when my dad comes down next Friday to pick me up (and all my stuff), then I am finally going to the museum! I have intended to go in all year and it is free admission and round the corner from my place, so it seems silly that I haven't gone!

My enhanced enabler is coming with me, which I am grateful for. After going through a week without seeing any face - even for me - I was getting lonely and a bit loopy. So I am feeling better this week after yesterday and then today and my guy will be round for the weekend! Yayy company!

Does the weather affect your mood?

Hibernation cravings

10 days to go.

Mood: Tired

Everything has gone well today. From the outside it must look darn near perfect, but the minute I sit down in my room I have the overwhelming need to just crawl into bed and sleep. I just feel so tired mentally, I could sleep for days quite easily.

I want to hibernate.

Yep, it sounds weird, but it's the best way to describe it. It might look silly to some people. Today I have:

Made sure my poster is complete

Printed it out in A1

Laminated it

Submitted it electronically (a week before deadline)

Practiced my presentation twice in front of my learning support tutor and enhanced enabler

Answered questions about my project for 30 minutes

Had lunch out with le boyfriend

So why do I want to curl up like a kitten in a plant pot?

I was nervous of this poster printing business going wrong, because it is £6 with each print out and it had to be perfect. So I was tossing and turning last night and didn't get to sleep til probably half 12ish, meaning around 8 hours sleep for me. I need more than that! I'll sleep 12 hours tonight since it's all done and I am well prepared now for my presentation :)

Medication panic / farewell GP

Definitely time to panic. I have a good couple of months left of meds, but to get to my exams I'll need one last prescription of 2 months. With the last month, I plan to start winding off them and I need the advice from my GP who I've seen every month while I've been at uni.

Finally plucked up the courage to ring to make an appointment with her asap but she's booked up til early June!! AAHHH! I'm moving back home on the 23rd May. Uuuughhh okay :/

I know that I can just register back home again when I move home, but it's a difficult subject to broach with someone you don't know. Hopefully I won't have to do some sort of Dragon's Den style pitch for one last prescription. It's a shame I couldn't see my GP one last time, she was so lovely.

My first appointment with her was over the phone and I started off by explaining my telephobia so I might stumble over my words and stuff. She was so sweet, she said if I could make it to the surgery in 15 minutes she could see me in person then! I cried when I first explained to her how I was feeling and she was very genuine and caring and has been all year.

There are GPs you can turn to for help.

Making a mountain out of a molehill

11 days to go.

Mood: Sad

I don't know what to think today. Am I losing one of my closest friends? Feeling useless today. I've hoovered my room a bit to try and conjure up a productive flow. I will get my poster finished for tomorrow morning, but I'm feeling...slow.

I like watching programs about geology and space, they make me feel small and remind me that my little problems are only big in my mind and I just need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. That is a big comfort for me. If my problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, then they have no power. If they have no power, what am I worrying about? Anxious people have certain methods of dealing with their anxiety and amongst other ways, I do sensationalise a lot, blowing my problems out to silly proportions.

I am learning all the time, we all are.

What fun would it be if we figured everything out at a certain age? What would life be like after that point? Not that our problems don't matter, but to someone such as myself, they are rarely as big as we think they are.

Education doesn't end when you stop going to class.

That's it! I'm FED UP.

* * * RANT MODE * * *

I am FED UP of people who don't just come out with whatever they have to say and damn well confront me. If I've done something to upset or offend you or piss you off, you need to tell me! For goodness sake, I can't read your mind, but when you lay not-so-subtle hints everywhere that makes it look like you have a problem with me, don't expect me to stay calm!!! Why do people do that?!

If I was angry, I wouldn't make cryptic statuses about how I'm feeling on social networking sites instead being mature about the whole thing and dealing with the problem. We're not in secondary school anymore!! Seriously, I look really rude at times compared to some people because I am actually honest and don't beat around the bush anymore, I have learnt that it doesn't do anyone any favours and only prolongs things til they get worse - DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON.

Being honest and confronting someone face to face doesn't automatically mean it will be an argument, just talk it out.

* * * * *

I am going..*deep breath*..to blow...*deep breath*..my lid.

The only thing worse than hinting around me is deliberately avoiding me. I am not in a good enough place to take on any DRAMAAAAAA!!! I really hope I've got this all wrong, but when I know a friend's behaviour pattern, I'm never wrong, my instincts are usually bang on. The one good thing is I can't remember the last time I was this mad, so I am glad this is a rare occurence now. If I had a blog a few years ago, oh boy...

Scriptwriting practice

12 days to go.

Mood: Fine

Another long sleep :) I'm definitely waking up in a good mood more regularly, I'm feeling much more stable emotionally now. Time to crack on with this poster business! It's going to print in 2 days: a week ahead of schedule, which means I can electronically submit it a few days before the deadline and focus entirely on what I will be saying. It shouldn't be too hard; I've been working on this all year so I know what I'm talking about.

What I usually do to prepare for a presentation of some kind is to come up with a script and memorise it. That way I can bring what I'm saying across with more confidence than if I was thinking off the top of my head. Hmmm some cue cards would be useful, damn I have loads at home :/ typical!

Academically: on track

Socially: not so much

Things are getting better and better with family with every phone call, particularly with mum, but I don't leave my flat to see anyone. I just don't feel the need to go out and socialise, I've never been the type of person to need company a lot, I am quite content. I can see how it could look like a problem from the outside :/ you would think I'd see my flatmate a fair amount, but she's rarely here and we stay in our rooms anyway. She knows I have some mental health things going on, so she probably assumes I need my own space unless I go to her, which I can understand.

My best mate is so fun to hang out with and her little girl is gorgeous, I love seeing them. Even then, I don't want to leave the house and I realise that I try to get out of all my social plans - not a few, practically all of them!

How much of an introvert are you?

'Not going out, it's....grey!'

13 days to go.

Mood: Excited

Home is getting closer! The days are going by so quickly for me, it's really surprising but very much a good thing :) I will be with family again soon. I got 11 hours sleep, so I'm feeling really refreshed this morning, exactly what I need, got to do my best to get this much sleep regularly at home.

* * * * *

So I have a simple to do list for the day:

Hoover more of the flat
Give bag of clothes to charity shop
Get a peach smoothie on the way back
Start working on what to say for presentation

Let's see how far I can get through this list. When I first looked out of my window this morning, I was instantly 'Nope! Not going, it's.....grey'. Then I listened to myself, I sound silly. If I don't have a super duper good reason, I should shove myself out the front door, but not in a bully way, in an encouraging, I-can-do-it way. Must work harder to being my own friend rather than my worst bully.

Are you kind to yourself?

* * * * *

So my productivity today was a bit below par, but I did work on my presentation speech and technically my flatmate hoovered, so the essential things on the list are checked off :) the weather went from gray to rain to cloudy to rain uhhh. My bag of clothes for the charity shop is pretty heavy and it would be of no use if I showed up at the shop with a bag of dripping wet clothes to donate. So my donation and peach smoothie will have to wait for a nicer day. Hopefully Monday :)

Do the 'chair bop'!

14 days to go.

Mood: Bouncy

After plenty of sleep, I woke up instantly feeling refreshed and ready to get on with my day. A great start! I now keep my medication right next to my bed with water, so I take them first thing when I get up. Not the best memory resides in this brain of mine, so it's a good way around it :) goodbye cold turkey days!

My skincare routine always makes me feel good. It is all tea tree, so when I am done I smell fresh and clean, which I love! So I did that straight after brekkie.....okay brunch.

I'm staying in my pjs because I don't need to go out, I'm not expecting any company. Today is about my poster and I, we're going to have some quality time together and get this finished. It's very nearly there though - with my enhanced enabler with me, I'm going to the library Tuesday morning to print it out on A1. Pretty nervous about that, it could easily go wrong and it costs a fiver whenever you print anything that size. Fingers crossed!

Everybody do the chair bop!

If there was anyting to drive me through work it's music! Music is such a good therapy for a multitude of things, it can reduce pain significantly and lift your mood in an instant. Gold dust for someone as anxious and wound up as me! My favourite chair bop genres are brazilian samba, african and bollywood. It might be something to do with the drums, who knows, but they power me through everything! A tune you just can't help but jiggle in your chair to!

What's your 'chair bop' genre?

Doggy afternoon!!

It's not going to be all play play play with my enhanced enabler's chocolate lab, I do intend on doing some work. The idea is that with Molly over, she will bring my anxiety down and put me in a good place to get some things done. She will get me out of the house at one point as well which is good. So I will do some work on my poster, maybe start to figure out what I'm going to say, then possibly some revision?

Thankfully, I still have some lemon drizzle cake left over so my enabler can have some :)

My plan was to hoover the entire flat before her arrival, but the other day I set the alarms off by hoovering while it was full up and now I am too nervous to hoover in case they go off again. I emptied it as soon as the alarms stopped and this morning I managed to do the bathroom at top speed - I thought I could maybe do it before setting them off. The rest of the flat needs hoovering toooo! Ohh I'll have to apologise for the condition of my floors when they get here, but we should be staying in my room anyways before going to the park :)

*****

It. was. GREAT! She's such a gorgeous girl and very well behaved - I am happy for her to jump up at me to say hello or rest her head on my legs - she made me feel wonderful today. I was productive as planned and got some doggie fun as well as my reward! Feeling good about life right about now :D oh and my cake went down a treat!

A midspring (recurring) night's dream

15 days to go.

Mood: Amused

My dream varies but they go the same way every time, it's really strange. I'm not really one to believe in dreams foretelling us things - although I do find the idea fun - but I can't shake off the feeling that this one must be saying something :/

The dream goes like this: I'm on stage (or in the wings) of a performance and I'm a main character in whatever it is - once it was a ballet, but mostly acting roles - and I don't know any of my lines. Last night, I was performing in a Shakespearean version of Back to the Future.. in space! I kind of mutter my way through, guessing my lines and getting poked by others on stage telling me it's my line next. Very unnerving dream for me.

I was Golde in my theatre school's production of Fiddler on the Roof a few years back and I had plenty of lines because I was the second main character, next to my 'husband' :P I remember really clearly going over my lines while having a bubble bath and working out how many weeks left to go in a panic. In the end it went without a hitch, but even for a while after the show the nerves didn't go away and I had to remind myself that it had already been and gone! I guess the nerves had settled in for a long while that they were refusing to leave.

Maybe it is simply when I'm stressed or have something coming up that I am worrying about - that would explain the frequent recurrence. I really need to work on anticipating good instead of anticipating bad.

Do you have any dreams to tell?

A good deed

16 days to go.

Mood: Higgledy piggledy

I've been a total lemon this morning. I have a meeting at 12, but for some reason I had it in my head that it was at 11 so I've been rushing around trying to get ready super quick. I eat at the last minute before going out to stop me getting hungry while I'm out so I was wolfing down my favourite breakfast when I saw the time and it just clicked in my mind! What a silly bunny I've been so far today :)

Back from my meeting and as ever, feeling more on top of things. My learning support has honestly been the best thing ever for me this year, I truly believe I...well, I don't know if I would have been bold enough to quit, but I'd certainly have failed more pieces of work. They have given me another chance and shown me my true potential, mostly by believing in me!

Do a good deed every day for someone.

I am feeling truly good about myself today and all because I gave my landlord a piece of cake :) he was doing some DIY and I wondered about it for a while, til I thought a good deed will always be welcomed.

What was the last good deed you did for someone?

Homesick

Suddenly really miss home. I was just looking at of my window to look out for my food delivery van and for some reason all I was thinking was how I wanted to go home. I rarely get homesick but when I do, it is so horrible! If I ring home or mum at work it will only make me cry and it doesn't get me closer to home - time does.

All I can do is ride through the time I have left here and focus on what is to get through.

What does home mean to you?

22nd birthday in 22 days

17 days to go.

Mood: Happy

Got the place to myself again and am perfectly content, I reckon I could easily live by myself. I've never been too big on company.

When I was younger, my best friend was my bike - she had a name I can't remember and I would talk to her as if I was riding a horse - and I would cycle to the park by my house and stay there if it was empty. There was also a field next to it where three grey ponies lived - there was a farm there. I would feed them some grass and sometimes cycle really fast from one end to the other on my side of the fence to make them run with me. Happy times :)

Chilling in my room, minding my own business. I will put some music on and do some revision soon. I ought to work on my poster presentation too, maybe some bullet points on what I need to say at least :) that shouldn't be too hard! When in doubt, have a slice of lemon drizzle cake! It's going very quickly.

Oh my goooosh, my birthday is nearing eek! I would be perfectly happy with one of my favourite meals for dinner, a birthday pavlova - I prefer pavlovas to cake - and maybe a game of Phase 10 :) it's a card game that's been around for a long time, I have fond memories of playing it with my grandma when I was little.

Do you have a happy memory?

Ombre hair review

My latest video has gotten up to 500 views! That makes me so happy.

My family don't get the hobby, but I'm getting stronger, have started listening to myself more and I've realised: they don't need to :)

I can do it :)

Today might not have given me many revision points, but in terms of baking it was great! My lemon drizzle cake turned out really well - I am nomming right this second! Pretty cold though, I've been trying to resist using the heating whenever possible, but sometimes I need a heat boost! As soon as I am back home, I am running myself a hot bubble bath! Mmmmm...

I have been contacted about my exams and my referral request has been accepted which means they will be taking place in early September :) I've got a third of a whole year to revise for two 3-hour papers - I can do it! All I have to do is make the most of my resources and at least scan through some revision every day so that I am constantly topping up my memory.

I think a revision strategy is in order:

1. Search for resources on module subjects at a much lower level to work up from.
2. 20 minutes revise - 5 minutes break, repeat...
3. Note read-throughs.
4. Repeat lecture audio files when doing other things instead of music.
5. Don't give up - every day is a new opportunity.
6. Resting is just as important. Don't overdo it!

Ready, get set, bake!

18 days to go.

Mood: Excitable

Ooohh, home is round the corner!! Can't wait :) and I will be celebrating my birthday at home with family for the first time in 3 years, so that'll be really nice. Sleeping well, my other half/walking radiator is here keeping me company still - it's like it's our place which I love.

Revision: check! Doing some every day with a creative spin to make it more fun and keep me going.

We baked biscuits last night! I really enjoy baking, it involves a lot of control (which I like) and taste testing (which we both like) and a treat of our own creation at the end! What's not to love. We melted some chocolate while the biscuits were cooling down, then we dipped the biscuits in the chocolate -  a sort of biscuit fondue-esque dessert.

So while we are feeling a baking streak, I am going to bake a lemon drizzle cake today! The annoying thing is that I only have American measurements to use, so I have to find either US recipes or convert every ingredient. A pain, but usually worth it :) I will post a photo of it here when it is done:

Aahhh my baby....

Do you like to bake in your spare time?

A creative angle on revision

19 days to go.

Mood: Hopeful

Yesterday was a good day! After getting some yummy shakeaways and going to the park - that was sadly in shortage of waggy tails - I felt like tackling some revision. I put a spin on it and it went really well! It wasn't exactly intense, staring at notes style.

I went all crafty on it! I love being creative with a pritt stick and scissors and highlighters. Thankfully one of my exams is closely similar to an exam I took last year, so I am forging a larger final year revision book time thing with last year and this year's notes. Lots of cutting and pasting :) happy times!

So today is going to go largely the same with some timelines. It is the perfect way to turn revision into an enjoyable activity. I am on a mission to enjoy revising for my exams in September :)

Shakeaway doggy day

20 days to go.

Mood: Content

Le boyfriend and I are planning to go out, grab a couple of shakeaways and go to a park to chill and watch doggies running around with excitement. I didn't sleep very well, but I got a nice lie in which is always relaxing. I will attempt some revision later, thankfully it is best not to overload and I think my brain shuts down at that point anyway. It'll be nice even if we don't see any dogs at the park, it will be a different outing and it's good to change things up sometimes :)

Face/Body Painting?

So I've found a youtuber who is insanely talented, she is a self taught body painter/makeup artist. Her body painting, mainly on the face, is incredible and has totally inspired me to give it a go! I can't draw stick people, but for some reason I am fairly well coordinated with makeup. I think with practice, I could get good and it looks really enjoyable :D

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Madeyewlook by Lex:

A-ma-zing! Her style might be a bit too dark for some people, so it's not for everyone. I know my mum would be scared to go near my room if she caught me doing one of these looks, but hey! When I get back home in a few weeks (eek!) maybe I can buy some paints. Exciting!

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh

My brain...is melting.

I'm so tired and bored! I've done some revision - I made a topic checklist and covered a few things - and now I'm spent. Every time I look at it, I start yawning, it's terrible :/ but at least I did some, I didn't plan on doing any but I rang home and mum asked what I was doing today.

"Oh, I'm... I've been working, but I'm having a break now for lunch. I will do some revision this afternoon."

Kind of made me feel obligated to follow through. Quite a good motivation I suppose, for a while at least! I think I'll check out of revision mode for a while then have another attempt at it later this afternoon :) One thing I have learned is that the most effective way to get something done is just to try.