Am I still depressed after all or is it my environment?

Mood: Emotional

What an upsetting morning. I woke up fine, went downstairs and made a round of tea for the house. As I'm making tea, my sister asks if I want to go out food shopping with her. My instant thought - 'Why are you asking me, I've told you before that I can't stand being asked to go out.'

Alarm bells

So I'm instantly in a bad mood with that, I try to get out of it - Why do you need me?! I can feel my hands starting to get shaky as she pleads that it'll help. All I'm hearing is alarm bells in my head. Some people will see me as selfish, but others who know of my mental health history will know it's typical anxiety from me, though it is slowly turning into Agoraphobia.

I've already had a long chat with my sister about how I feel going outside and that I hate being asked to go out, I remember saying that it is easier if it's of my own accord and by myself.

You can't face your fears until you feel ready to handle it

Anyway, I quietly agree and finish making the tea, now in a majorly pissed off mood. Why does my family push me into feeling unsafe? Don't even try giving me the 'face your fears' stuff, that's only for when you feel ready and not before. So I make myself breakfast and, even though there's space at the dinner table, I perch on the sofa as curled up as possible and as far away from my mum and sister as I can get while still being in the house.

'There's space here love' mum says and my sister says how I don't want to sit near her. 'What's the matter, darlin'?' I instantly go on a verbal rampage that I've already explained before how I feel about going out bla bla bla, I'm shakily eating my breakfast since now I'm really riled up.

She tried to talk to me

A short while after, I'm hugging my (empty, but warm) mug in a ball on the sofa and my sis comes over and holds me. I am crying my eyes out but I'm trying to stay away from her because I'm really pissed off with her. She was trying to talk to me but it was really hard for me to explain my problem.

Have you ever been so emotional and angry that your words are caught in your throat, maybe from fear of swearing or saying something you'll regret? She was like 'Do you love us?' - what kind of question is that?! Of course I bloody do, you're family, but for a good while I've disliked you all.

I know how horrible and nasty that sounds, but through all the years of 'jokes' and the odd 'chubby' comment from mum and those 'Lighten up', 'Don't be so sensitive' stabs, in my mind all of this is bullying to be honest and who wants to live in a house with bullies?!

I descended into screaming because she was throwing at me question after question - in her mind it was to help, but to me that's just interrogation. I can't come up with answers to your questions, I don't know what to say..,

If I say how I feel it'll cause another massive family rupture and we just started getting over the last one.