I'm still alive!

Feeling: Okay

I'm not sure even how long it's been since I last made a post, I am sorry. I'm not sure where to start from, so I'll just dive right in.

You'll know my relationships with immediate family have improved, but they are still strongly opinionated on the medicine front SO.. I ignore what they think of it now! In the last post, I do remember saying how I was feeling much better on the meds and it is still proving to be the best thing for me... when I remember :P

ESA support

So, what's new? The main things are that I'm now on ESA which means I get financial support while I only work a few hours here and there on my embroidery and work on improving my mental state and wellbeing.

Therapy

Also, I have started therapy with an NHS service that specialises for people with depression/anxiety/stress problems for 18's and over around the Dorset/Southampton area. After submitting a self-referral on their website, I made an appointment for my Self-Assessment at the centre, at which they helped to decipher what services they provided that would be suitable for me to reach my goals e.g. 'I want a calmer mind', 'I want to be able to leave my house with little/manageable anxiety'.

CBT once more, but with a difference

So far I have had 3 appointments with my CBT Therapist Frankie - she is really lovely - and have been given homework to do throughout the week (I've completely sloped since my last one, it's Christmas and I want to chiiiiiiiiill). I was rather skeptical as to whether this would work for me, because it's not the first time I've had CBT and I am quite conscientious and self-aware, but I am happy to say that this is new for me in terms of dealing with my Depression and Frankie has taught me things I didn't know about an illness I have.

Distinct Depression characteristics

I know how it feels for me, but everyone's path is different for each individual... and yet the illness has distinct characteristics like stopping the brain from 'firing on all cylinders', as Frankie says, you really focus on negative experience and mood periods - even though you might have some happy times, you won't give them any thought, which is a big learning curve for me.

It's surprising how such a simple fact can completely take you by surprise and shift your view

It is really nice to make another post after what feels like such a long while, I do hope to write more often despite it being the festive season! Things have happened in regards to Threadkin, so I'll come back and give a lowdown on how my first few months trying to start my own business has gone!

Surround yourself with nibbles and get your friends over for a hot chocolate!

Thank heavens for my medication / Threadkin

Feeling: Tired.

Probably because it's half 1 in the morning. I have been doing wonderfully on my medication, it feels so good to be proactive, productive and happy around family.

I don't wake up feeling nervous for the day ahead, now I just get up

My medication is a sot of 2 in 1, it slows down my spinning anxiety thoughts and lifts my mood as well. My mood has definitely balanced and my mum even said she can see the tremendous difference in my behaviour now compared to before. Maybe now mum sees that I really benefit from them :)

Threadkin update

Threadkin is going steadily, the etsy shop has been open just over a fortnight and still no sales, but hey it's a very tough industry and businesses are always slow to begin with. With the effort I'm putting into social networking, thankfully in that sense I'm generating interest at a pace that I'm content with!

Mental health isn't very business-savvy

Every now and then I want to tweet (on my business twitter account) mentioning my depression and coping with it along with the business starting out, but I decide against it. The sad fact of the matter is I can't help but think it would look like a...not a weakness, but...that it would make people think less of my products and my little baby business :(

I hate to think it, but admitting I have mental health problems might put people I've started networking with off, as if I'm no longer a contender and worth community support. I'll do some research online to see if other people have spoken up about it as a topic.

You're at peace now, Grandpa

Feeling: Okay

It's a bittersweet time....leaning to more bitter. We received some bad news from my grandpa's care home yesterday evening that he had passed away.

A sad family time

In a way, we're all dealing with it okay, because he was deteriorating for a long time and in a sense we lost the man we know long ago :( the hardest thing for me is to see mum dealing with it. We lost grandma 9 years ago and I remember the night we got the news very vividly, mum is handling things much better. Mum was a lot more emotional seeing him get worse, but now mum can let go and take comfort in that he isn't in pain or uncomfortable anymore.

The purest form of peace

No matter what your opinion is of life after death, I think we all can agree that it is the purest form of peace.

My grandma and grandpa at my parent's wedding in dad's hometown in Italy

Don't judge me for taking medication

I am FED UP of dealing with this.

Not even a full day has gone by with me back on the meds and I'm feeling the judgement from family! Well, my sister...she's the only one who knows, she happened to ask how the GP visit went this morning while noone happened to be in the room.

Oh, how I wish I had kept my mouth shut!! I was even thinking about it to and from the doctors, 'What shall I tell my family?' 'How much detail should I tell them?' 'I'll just say it went well'. over and over I thought about it, knowing what their - well, my sister's - reactions would be if I told them I was back on the meds.

I wholeheartedly believe it is the right thing to do to be back on them, it will really balance my mood and get me through day-to-day without as many crashes. The thing is, my family don't realise how things really are for me because I hide up in my room when I have a dip or crash in mood and don't resurface until I feel it's gone. In their minds they must think I'm practically myself i.e. not depressed (I've always had the anxiety).

Uhh good :/ maybe I'll end up living in my own place through supported housing, I can see myself saying at the peak of an argument that I'll just leave home and live somewhere else. I reeeally hope I don't say anything like that, I don't want to!

All I want is for them to think/say that despite their own opinions, they know that I feel it is right for me and respect my decision. Is that too much to ask? :/

First productive day in a while

Feeling: Rushed off my feet, but happy

I need so much tea. I got up pretty early for a doctor's appointment this morning which couldn't have gone better :) the female GP I saw was very kind and sympathetic, which was a big comfort because I felt so sick getting ready to leave the house beforehand!

A lovely GP

I went to talk about my hip problem and the possibility of getting a note to claim benefits. She was really nice and knew that there would be no point in referring me to physio while I can't bear to go out the door. I also brought up how I stopped taking my medication because I can't afford to keep up with them, so she wrote me a sick note so I can claim benefits and with that pay for my medication. She also gave me a new prescription for 2 months worth and I booked an appointment to see her again in a month.

Don't leave the house = little/no exercise = weaker leg muscles and ligaments

A fortnight from now I will have my assessment with Steps 2 Wellbeing, the GP said the challenge is in keeping and maintaining the sessions with them. After I gradually improve, only then can I really get a referral for physio, which I totally understand. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that it was all connected, it's so obvious now!

Back on my medication

Since then, I've collected a craft supply order from the delivery office - it came and went while dad and I drove to give Penny back to Woofability - and gone to a Sewing World nearby to buy some new fabric.

Jobcentre Plus visit

Now comes the ugly part of the day :( I have filled in my form for the benefits I need to claim, but the whole process is really intimidating. I've never gone to Jobcentre Plus before and apparently the one closest to me doesn't have very friendly staff. I've been out of the house a fair bit today and I'm proud of that, but I need to do this one last crucial thing.

Only thing that comes first is printing off 52 PAGES! Right, kettle...

WOOFABILITY WEEKEND part 2

Feeling: Out of the loop

Going to the loo

I was panicking last night about Penny not going to the bathroom before bed! How silly :P I'm fine when I'm with Tom's greyhounds because I've done it many times and they always go with a little encouragement. Sooo maybe I just have to do this a few times? Toilet training is instilled in them within a few weeks of age and, with Penny, she's stayed with many first time Woofability volunteers.

Out of the loop

Remember how my bedroom is the attic? I have these annoying, creaky steps that are shaped for the left or right foot. So Penny wouldn't be able to go up to my room :(

I can't hear anything that goes on, well a little on the first floor, but nothing else. So I can't hear her if she calls to use the bathroom in the night. Someone left the living room door open all night, whereas I thought it was shut, but anyway, Penny went up to my sister's room. Her room is paradise for a dog because it's got all things they love to put in their mouth all over the floor - she's not the tidiest - so my sister let her out.

I'm also not the first to get up in the morning - so my sister fed her breakfast. I would've woken up early especially for her, but I needed the sleep. My left hip grinded in the socket whenever I moved - I can't recall that ever happening through the night - so I was up until a bit late I think.

* * * * *

Today might be a new day, but my hip is still the same. I might take her for a short walk round the nearby houses. I'd like to spend some time just me and her - I might be the biggest animal lover in the house but I'm also the most used to doggy company, so my family have been a little wrapped up with her. Don't get me wrong, that's really sweet and it's a nice experience for everyone, I just, I don't know :/

I thought I was jealous of them spending time with her, but that's not it. My family help to ease the sense of responsibility which was quite overwhelming at first, but I feel okay after her being okay through the night. Besides, I get to look after her and give the middle-of-the-night task to whoever else hears it :P

WOOFABILITY WEEKEND part 1

Feeling: happy, but nervous

Look at this gorgeous girl who I get to look after for a few days!

This is Penny, she's a Golden Retreiver and my first Woofability dog. I barely slept last night as you can imagine :P

Woofability is a Dorset charity that raises and trains assistance dogs for the disabled. Puppy socialisers (what I'm starting out) take in the dogs at their homes for between 2 days to 3 weeks, practicing basic commands and giving the opportunity for socialising in different areas.

The charity has been great and it's been a really straightforward process! I called them to ask if I could be a puppy socialiser and booked a home visit, in the home visit all was ironed out, I signed a volunteering form and then agreed on when I would have my first dog. 5 days later, Penny is here!

I am glad for it being a weekend visit, because as much as I love dogs, it is still a big adjustment from not living with one. Although, I have relaxed massively throughout the day :) the whole family came on a walk. Penny behaved well, whereas it wasn't as good an experience for me!

Going down the main road, my sister was nipping in and out of the shops and I kept hold of her and got her to sit as we waited. She was very good, but at one point we came across a maHOOssive husky bear with its owner. It was very quiet and was looking at Penny and for some reason she was barking non stop while she was near it :S a bit embarrassing since I was standing talking to someone about how she was in training.

Bad hips + running with dog = major pain

We carried on and dad and I got to a big park/green, it was tricky because I'm not allowed to take her off the lead, so I decided to jog/run a bit while holding onto her lead. The PAIIIN in my hips, just...my god. So we ended up crawling back til we got home and I've been on the sofa since! Ow ow ow...

Wanting people to worry about me

I was lost in thought the other day in how I see others around me and how they respond to me. This might sound like really strange ways to think, but I'm being very honest here. As I type, sometimes it makes things clearer and I learn as I get things out of my system :)

I've always wanted people to worry about me. That might sound selfish and... I suppose it is, but it wasn't - no, isn't - that I want people in my life to suffer, I don't want that at all, it was more that I felt that if they are worried or concerned, that that is when you truly see the connection you have.

Being depressed is one of those circumstances that, to a point, show you who your friends are, who will be there for you and support you despite the situation. I guess when I was little I thought that when people show worry for you, you see what you mean to them, but otherwise you can't tell.

Surely the right mindset would be to find the happy times more bonding than the sad times?

Unfortunately it looks like that mindset stuck. I distinctly remember going to a particular anger management appointment at a local clinic and the therapist - horrible woman, I hated going - challenged my outlook that I needed people to be concerned for me to give me the apropriate attention. I realised only the other day that maybe I associate people worrying about me with taking me seriously and I have ALWAYS wanted people to take me seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I have a sense of humor, but not when I'm the joke material d'you know what I mean :/ I've always been told to 'lighten up' and 'stop being so sensitive', but I think that's just me and despite my best efforts to take things more lightly, it only makes jokes worm into my brain further and stick with me longer. A bit of a 'don't think of a pink elephant' type thing!

So, do I not feel much of a connection with people - and I'm talking about family really - when they are smiling and happy and not worried? Why would them not worrying be a bad thing?! I don't understand myself, but I really want to get to the bottom of this, I am my own mystery!

Am I so desperate for attention that I need people I'm with to be devoid of their own happiness so they can focus on me?

Maybe when others around me are cheerful and say something to me, for instance, I don't think I truly have their attention. Ugh.... I sound horrible...

What will it take for me to be my old self again?

Feeling: Hopeless

I've been feeling particularly low the past couple of days despite knowing I'll have a golden retreiver to look after this weekend. Now, if having a dog doesn't help, I have no clue what will!!

I'll probably be happy the entire time the dog is here though, but... I thought I would be happy and excited all day until he/she arrives. Nope :/ I've actually noticed today and yesterday were definite crashes in mood, I was crying yesterday on my bed because sometimes it hits me all over again that I am in a dark place and I can't find the exit.

Occasionally it just hits me all over again and I get frustrated

Hence come the tears! Didn't cry today thankfully. You know what one of the worst things is? I can't let my family see me like that, at the moment for multiple reasons.

My grandpa is...well, he has very little time left now sadly and I can't begin to describe how mum is.
If they see me teary or particularly low, they'll say 'What's wrong?' and I don't know how to respond to that. Nothing's happened technically, but there is something wrong.

If I responded to 'What's wrong?' with the medical definition of depression, my family would think I'm being defensive or snappy. What do they want me to say?!

It is easier to just ride out the mood crash alone and return to family company once I'm better.

A bittersweet day

Feeling: Heavy

It's been a bittersweet day - great news for me, but a terrible day for mum. I feel like such a burden.

The Good News

Click image for Woofability's website

I had a home visit from Woofability this afternooon, ironed out queries and signed a declaration to promise to give the dogs back haha. EXCITIIING!! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. Soooo, I'm getting my first dog this weekend! I will post photos so you can see :D it is brilliant how Woofability works - my puppy socialising revolves entirely around my own schedule, I can determine when and for how long I'll have a dog - but for the near future, as I'm new, the... hmmm what shall I call them... dog stays will be short until I get used to giving the dogs back (heck that'll take a while if it happens at all).

The Bad News

Poor mumma :( she really holds up the family and keeps us going in every way a mum can, but she can't stand her job anymore - it's evolved from lots of work with people to practically all work through the computer screen - to the point where she broke down in a meeting this morning and a colleague friend brought her home. It's resulted from a multitude of things - my grandpa's health, work getting worse, a chest infection that won't bugger off.

After coming home, mum went to see the GP and got signed off work for the week - a relief, at least she can focus on getting back to herself 100% - with antibiotics for the chest infection. Things were looking up until mum rang my uncle to catch up on news of grandpa.... sadly, it's never a pleasant conversation but mum stayed with dad in his studio and had a bit of a cry on his shoulder. I could tell that things hadn't exactly improved, but mum said that he isn't far from....well, you know :(

When I think of what mum does for me and the whole house, she really is a force of nature, I start tearing up because mum gets little in return. We are very fortunate in many ways, but.... *sigh* poor mum, she's keeps us afloat financially, she can't exactly leave her job for another she'd enjoy more, sadly the chances of one popping up that also pays better is just so slim.

The poison is awake

Made the mistake of watching this new drama that’s on TV, you might have heard of it – The Strain *sigh* what made me think I’d be able to handle it I’ve no idea. Well no, I know why, I didn’t look very horror-y for most of the way through – I was watching the show’s premiere/pilot thing, 1 hour 45 mins! – and I had no idea it would be quite zombie-y.

If you don’t know the show, it’s a horror contagion drama that makes infected people act like vampires, feeding off other’s blood and potentially turning their victims.

They. Look. Terrifying.

Again my fault that I found out, because I turned it off from genuinely feeling like I was going to throw up, but the plot itself I was interested in so I turned to The Mighty Google. Saw some photos. Oops. Up to that point, the scariest thing was a creature something like the mother of dementors with a weird stabby tentacle. Uhhh still feel sick actually…

You know how I’ve always thought of my mental illness challenges like an ink-like poison dancing and twisting round my brain? Well, tonight it has a little friend, since I feel the same as I would with a usual ‘bad night’ but with fresh material, if you like.

I need Tom :( one day we’ll get a place together and I’ll never (or rarely) have to be in this situation again. Thankfully I have the whole collection of Vicar of Dibley on my laptop and I have my bedside lamp on. It’s not too late and no one says I absolutely have to be in bed and asleep by a certain time, if I need to stay up for a bit then I will :)

My sore throat and pathetic, tickly cough are still lingering but I found a packet of orange Strepsils in our medicine cupboard which have been by my side 24/7!

I’ve done this many times – kept my laptop on playing Vicar of Dibbers on repeat, I fall asleep and my laptop eventually dies off! It might seem excessive, but if it means I can relax and get some sleep then I believe it’s worth it.

SUNNYSTITCHES 20% DISCOUNT

Feeling: Apprehensive

Click on Polka Dot Hearts to go to my Twitter!

Tomorrow's the day I launch and I'm a bundled up mess of nerves and excitement. I switch between worrying about getting too many orders at once to not getting any at all! Ahh dear :P

My friends on facebook - follow me wooo! - have been nice about my adventures and I hope some might take a look tomorrow :/

Don't want to over step

The difficult thing I'm finding at the moment is working out where the line is between not pushing enough and shoving your business down people's throats. I guess that knack will come in time, you can do all you can in preparation but some things can only be done well through experience,

So anyway yes, I am giving out a 20% discount (at least hopefully it will work, I guess I won't know unless someone orders something tomorrow) for the day.

I would LOVE to get suggestions and ideas from you if you have any, like motivational quotes or something, please do send them my way!

Click on 'Tweet tweet' Birdy to go to my instagram!

A disappointing day

Feeling: Grumpy kitty

I had a good, strong to do list for today and didn't tick ANYTHING off my list :'( Some things involved leaving the house, but I ended up feeling unable to leave so the day's productivity level plummeted.

Giving blood donation appointment = have a bit of a cold + tickly cough

They wouldn't have let me donate if I went to the session, so instead I went on the website to reschedule. I hate how big the gaps are between sessions!! Next appointment is now 10th NOVEMBER. I wasn't in the best of moods at this point, because I'd (believe it or not) actually been looking forward to it. It gives you best, most selfless buzz, it really does, at least for me :)

Go to Jobcentre Plus = need to see GP first

Okay, I downloaded some forms to fill in and take to Jobcentre Plus nearby to apply for a type of allowance, but I need evidence from my GP to give in with it. So this trip is a no go til then *sigh* I don't like going to my GP heeeere! It's nothing about him, but I grew really attached to my previous female GP - if you've read my blog for a while, you'll know about how I feel with GPs.

Pretty mad at myself. I did however complete a product listing for Etsy and I did a lot of social networking through my twitter and instagram accounts for Sunny Stitches.

WE LAUNCH THIS FRIDAY!!

The odd 'No Blog Post' Day

I haven't posted for a day or two and I feel terrible about it, but at the same time, I don't always feel driven to blog and I don't want it to become a chore or anything, you know I'm only going to be honest :)

My blog is my place to unwind and spill the beans about my day, to get as many racing thoughts out of my mind and into a blog post. It brings a great feeling of weight lifted off my shoulders but I find that, as much as I want to be consistent, I don't want to write just for the sake of having a post every single day.

So I hope you don't mind ^.^ I assume pressure on myself, you know what I'm like! You probably wouldn't have minded anyway haha. So I wanted to post quickly just to point out that I won't necessarily post every day, there will be the odd day without a post :)

Graduation Day is here! Do I belong?

Feeling: A little undeserving, but good

Scroll to the end of the post for some pics!!

It was a great day - apart from the horrible teary drive home after saying goodbye to Tom - and I am also really looking forward to curling up in my own floofy duvet (my duvet is 13.5 TOG all year round! A bit much for most people)!

The night before with Tom

I'll whizz back to last night to start - it was the perfect night. I left the family at the B+B once they were sorted, saw them to their rooms and discussed this morning and when/where to meet. The car journey had been frustrating at times, but mostly actually really good fun :) we laughed quite a lot along the way which was much needed I think.

Spending the night at Tom's flat was so nice. We were wrapped up in each other like two interlocking prawns (I thought of prawns first because I'm munching on prawn crackers) and watched a couple of movies with food, I got to have a lush, hot shower as well. It felt strange being back in my ex flat, like I was back but not at the same time. Also, Tom's room is the other bedroom, his flatmate is in my old room. I think he didn't want the reminding constantly that I wasn't there anymore.

The flat felt different with new tenants

I put a sort of mental block up upon arrival to prevent memories of the place flooding back to me, but it wasn't like I had bad memories of the flat. Of the friendship yes, all I think of is how it ended, but actually I felt fine being back. And it felt different now that the boys are settled in.

Anyway, after a lovely night - but struggling to sleep for fear of our night together from flying by too fast - I was up early this morning and at the ceremony location by 8:30am.

I wanted my family there with me

All other graduants had their families and it was a (rare) moment where I really wanted my family to be there. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt like that, but I was dying for them to arrive! Maybe it was out of embarrassment or something, but looking back, it is reassuring that that feeling isn't out of reach for me.

The ceremony went really smoothly, I felt pretty good about myself in my robes and I didn't fall over with nerves! My only issue was feeling undeserving of my place in the ceremony.

I don't feel like a legit graduate

Didn't pass the exams, I didn't pass. It's nice to have an award for trying, but I just wouldn't have put me on the same level.

Graduation Trip

Feeling: Rushed off my feet

Today's the day we head back to Studentdom for THE last time - my graduation. The ceremony is early tomorrow morning so we're staying for the night before. I booked my family in to a B+B close to the ceremony's location while I stay with TOOOOOOM! EEEE!! :D

Can't wait to see him

I hope he's looking forward to seeing me as much as I am to see him. Can't write much because I now have to help sis make a big lunch - mum and the guests are on their way back from church now, they'll be here in half an hour eek.

Better hop to it!

Satisfingly productive

Feeling: Excited

It has been a long day and I have done well in terms of productivity :) hopefully I'll get a good sleep tonight, but on the other hand I might stay awake from being so excited to see Tom!

I have worked on Sunny Stitches for, let me see... 5.5 hours today and done plenty in the time :) it really is one of the best feelings!

I can imagine working hard at my embroidery some of the day, having some Animal Assisted Therapy visits with my dog, then welcoming Tom back from work, making him some foooooood and having a relaxing night together!

My graduation outfit is sorted, I've painted my nails and toes and will take all my cosmetics so that I look my best. I just wish I didn't have to get up so early Monday morning :(

A dramatic meal out

Last night, the guests treated us to a meal out, which was generous of them.

I tried my hardest to surround myself at the table with family but L wasn't having it. At a table for 6, I had dad on my left and my sister opposite me... until L sat next to her... in between our table and the next. So she had to budge back over and L was opposite me. Brilliant.

What an uncomfortable meal. I mean, mostly it was great... apart from L yelling at the waitress who served out our meals. What for? He got the wrong 'extra' above his food. For god's sake! I thought I had a short fuse. Sure, it's their job to get it right, but I can't help but think of them working long hours and getting paid peanuts.

Unfortunately another mistake was made later on with our drinks (well, the other's drinks :P) this time from the orginal waitress who took our order. Thankfully she was at the other end of our table and L's wife handled it in a firm but calm tone - there, much more appropriate :) of course he was shaking his head and I was bubbling quietly under my skin until there was too much adrenaline to ignore and I had to say something. In a firm but calm tone of course :)

'At least she was the right waitress to confront about it'

He wasn't too impressed with that and my sister gave me a quick look, but after that I felt so much better and was actually in the best mood that I had been in all week! My meal was yummy and I even had room for dessert - aaahhh heaven!!

A Honeycomb Explosion Sundae

Yes, you have my permission to be jealous. L's wife loves honeycomb just as much as I do and, even though she was at the other end, we kept passing the sundae between us! Dad dipped in too - uhhhhh SO GOOD! I must have anotherrrr.

A nice location too, it's right by the sea :) maybe I should take Tom some time.

Going to Salisbury for the day

Mmmmmm *nervous rocking* :/

I wonder how many hours I'll be wandering slowly behind everyone, waiting to come home. We'll probably be nipping into charity shops and stuff. Oooooh maybe we'll have lunch :) that I'll like!

Oh well, I haven't left the house for a good few days and they mentioned last night that the Food + Drink Festival is on (ahh there goes the lunch idea), so that sold it for me and I said I'd come.

Regretting that decision this morning as I knew I would, but on the other hand L will be in the house doing jobs so I'd muuuuuuuuuuch rather go with them to Salisbury! It's a nice area as well, I think I've only been a couple of times - one being for a job interview -  and I didn't really look around much, so it'll be alright.

I just hope it isn't too busy :/ the festival has been going all week and now that it's mid-September and kids are back to school, I might be okay.

Can't flip the switch

Feeling: Disliked

For a few days I thought I didn't get on with L and his wife didn't like me, but last night made me wonder maybe she does :) I showed her my embroidery and I didn't get the positive reaction I wanted. She liked it all but it was her tone that spoke louder to me than the words.

It's all in the tone of their voice

It seemed more like I was trying to sell my things to her, telling her the stitch types I used and stuff and she was looking at it really closely. I wasn't expected her to look at the details, I felt nervous in case she found mistakes! What does it matter though, really, I mean she didn't go to Royal School of Needlecraft or anything, but I just want everyone's approval of my work :)

Trying to enjoy the little things is tough when you don't enjoy the bigger things!

All the time, as I'm behaving around people it is like I am also watching myself and at the back of my mind I'm thinking 'You look rude! Stop with the bad attitude!', but just because I'm aware of it does not give me the control.

I'm not in control of even my own behaviour or outlook.

It's like it's predetermined for me as I wake up every day. Well I guess it is, since I'm not simply in a bad mood all the time, but I have a genuine imbalance in my brain. Just because I know about it, that doesn't flip the switch

Such an emotional morning

Feeling: Tired in every sense

It has been such an emotional morning. I was doing a jigsaw in the living room to stay in my happy place for a bit after having breakfast. The guests left to do their plans and my parents were around. I can't remember whether it was mum or dad, one of them began to talk to me about finding work *sigh*

Basically, the conversation spiralled and I was soon crying over my jigsaw pieces saying things like 'Why are you punishing me? I don't want to go out there and work for another spiteful boss.' I cried asking why I have no family support at all in my hope to set up a little creative business and come to think of it, I never got my answer :/

Dad wandered off (as usual, part way through everything) and mum sat down next to me so I could cry on her shoulder. She suggested I go back to the GP, maybe I should be back on medication to help to balance my mood and things, which I was very grateful for. Talking over my prospects again and saying what I should look into.

I think I should definitely look into the therapy...type...local thing, it's obvious I am struggling from the loss of an old friend last year and I know that I will benefit from it.

God, I hope things pick up from here on...at least for a while, pleeease :'(

A tear rolled down my cheek

I was feeling very frustrated. Thankfully, I spent most of the day by myself embroidering at my desk and thanks to that, I am feeling good about Sunny Stitches :) I embroidered a new, big butterfly with gorgeous white and teal wings!

A sad moment

I did have a little sad moment as I went upstairs after dinner, because sometimes I remember that I am down and if a family member asks me what the matter is, I can't keep saying 'Oh, I'm just depressed' or 'I'm not well!', so after a while I just say I'm fine because it is much easier and it feels like the kinder thing to do to prevent anyone in the family worrying.

I might go back to the Gp to ask for a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder and then a referral to some extra service thing. I am just sick of having thoughts spinning round my head - most people have that the night before their exams or before something important, but people forget that that is my ongoing day 24/7.

Misread as a character flaw

People forget and a lot of the time I want to scream, because it is misread as being grumpy or lazy or some other character flaw. I know I seem snappy and closed off and cold all the time, but frankly it seems to be the current way I cope with things. I am lucky and have things much easier than many, but I have to highlight that I do not think the way people should when their brain functions normally.

My family do try to understand but I can't help think that they try to forget about it - I understand that and I would do the same if I could!

So f***ed off

Feeling: Guess.

Words can't describe how pissed I feel. Ooh Tom's ringing me...

Okay I vented at Tom over the phone about it which has helped a bit, so I can blog a bit easier now. D'you know when you are too angy to be able to explain something? Yep.

The King of Comedy

The husband, I'll call him L. The jokes I have come to realise will never end and I still don't find them funny. Everyone is laughing around me and I plaster a little fake smile but I can't give any more than that, because I am so bloody sick of these jokes. L, the King of Comedy. For god's sake!

And stop hitting my arm with the back of your hand when you want my attention, I have a name. I'm Jess, nice to meet you, I've told you my name for a reason! It's not a hard hit, I'm not complaining that it hurts, I just find it a bit.....not offensive, but it's not right. You are 70, stop acting like a hip, 25 year old.

Maybe I have a short fuse, but I'm not enjoying anything about having them here. They are polite people and have done an awful lot for my sister and the house, but I don't think I will get on with them.

L is all about handyman jobs. They have stayed here before, while I was at uni, and L did some little jobs for the house which was nice. I thought of him as like our Grandpa when he would tackle some things, but I didn't realise that he would practically live for planning/doing these things all day! He's already been up in my room to look for a water tank (thank you for not asking), in the garden to find bathroom piping on outside of the house, checking the bathrooms, planning entirely new loo systems so we have those eco flush button things.

Don't suggest house changes when you're the guest, do you think we're made of money?!

I'm sorry, but unless you're hoping to pay for all these alterations, you can take them jotted down in your notebook and jog on!! I don't get it, going around your hosts house saying how badly it's wired up and how so much needs replacing - not that anything is broken, it's just not very efficient in his mind!

Strangers in my house!!

Feeling: Intruded upon

I don't like this. They have been here for only 5 hours and they are staying for a whole week.

A couple who my sister lived with while working in London a while back have come to stay with us for a week and I have only met them once. The husband is quite a character, not for me at all, let's be honest. A lovely couple, but there are just things making me feel pretty uncomfortable.

They both play big roles in their church = religious. I don't have a faith, they'll love me for that.

My main problem is what I always have to deal with when we have guests staying at least one night with us: I feel intruded upon because I want to be in the room but left to myself, so I am just as involved in the togetherness as I wish to be. If I want to join the conversation I can, but otherwise I want to be left alone. This can never be when you have guests, because it's fresh company and you talk talk talk and they ask lots of questions.

We had grace before eating at dinner...that was a first :/

Particularly in this situation where they know my sister pretty well and they have met my parents a few times so they've had the 'initial conversation' but I'm getting the odd question thrown my way which I'm nto comfortable answering.

He doesn't stop telling long jokes that I either can't follow or just don't get.

The husband is very confident in his own mind if that makes sense and sometimes says things that are meant to be witty. To me though, I just panic and don't know what to say.

He said earlier 'Do you want to know how intelligent I am?' What kind of question is that? I was flustered and very confused, so I panicked and looked at my sister, eventually admitting I didn't know what to say.... turns out it was to pave the way for another long joke. Of course.

It's going to be a very long week.

No more monthly Thank Yous?

It is obvious I have stopped writing the Thank You posts at the end of each month. My blog is a place where I am totally honest and they've simply disappeared because I forgot to keep up with them tehe!

It was a healthy practice and I would encourage anyone to keep a Gratitude Diary. I kept one for a little while at uni when I was very low in attempt to turn around my outlook day by day. You can write in it as frequently as you like, whatever is most convenient for you, I know some people write 3 things they are grateful for every day or others who have large elemtns they are grateful for in a list that they look at every day or so (such as a roof over their head, family, their health etc).

Once a month was most fitting for me, it appeared to work well with the blog, particularly since I write every day. My feelings of gratitude are still there, but I suppose bringing it to the forefront of your mind has an impact.

You can be grateful without it even occurring to you!

I may bring the posts back, in hindsight, sometimes you know something is good for you and you give it a go, but only after you stop do you look back and see that it really worked. Who knows, there may be a September Thank You coming to a computer/phone screen near you.... in 2 weeks.

Everyone has different tastes

Mood: Contemplative

As I've said before, my best friend is the best! I got to see her this afternoon and we went out to a nice cafe near my house. I love seeing her because she really gets what I'm saying.

A lot of things I need to get off my chest are about seeking approval from my family for everything, valuing their opinions over my own, misunderstood behaviour, losing my uni best mate over it...

It reminds me how beneficial it is to have someone there for you who simply understands and can empathise, it does so much for you. She said plenty of things that made sense. Involving Sunny Stitches, I explained my current cycle:

Create/do something I am proud of

Show/tell mum and sister

Get negative feedback

Feel put down and de-motivated.....

Create/do something I am proud of

And so it goes. Each stage, I reach out to family for approval, as if I need their permission to go on to the next step or like they're quality control officers. It might be, thinking about it now, a sort of bonding behaviour, as if their approval will ensure my sense of belonging in the family.

She helped me to remember why I want to do this shop, who it is for, that this is my life that I am living. A good point she made was that my family aren't the buyers intended for my pieces. I can bear their opinions in mind, but I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has different tastes and though they might not like a piece or design, someone might like it and buy it.

This makes a lot of sense today:

Thank goodness for ordinary days

Mood: Relieved

I feel like I can breathe today instead of suffocating myself with low mood and irritability. I've managed to be productive for SS - I've done a bit of stitching, designing and finances - so I am feeling great about that :)

Family isn't frustrating me, I've spent much of today by myself so I have been feeling calm and in a good place. I wish I could feel like that around family, but it isn't them, I would feel the same whoever I lived with. I felt this exact way all through university, it's just part of being an introvert.

I simply need to spend 75% of my time alone to stay in balance.

We had a late lunch and now are facing the prospect of a midnight roast! Of course, I've been in my pyjamas all day, because I know I am leaving the house tomorrow so it is in preparation. After managing to sell another DVD online, I need to post it in the morning asap. Hoorah for £3.24! Uhhh..

Missing my guy an awful lot though :/ I will see him in a week exactly! I will be staying with him the night before Graduation - ooh speaking of, I must check into my robe colours and stuff. Now that I definitely have an exit award - technically an Ordinary Degree, but who would want to say that?! - I have to ensure my robes are the correct colour. How boring!

The odd flashback still comes along

It may have been almost a decade ago, but the occasional 'flashback' does still reer its ugly head.

They usually aren't actually flashbacks (not anymore), I know what I am seeing was not in the film but are instead images that my fear has twisted over the years. The image is accurate and the male voice.... I can't remember how the voice sounded, but the words alone are enough to send a shockwave through my system.

The shockwave often feels the same, it is as if the fear triggers the wave internally from my skin to my very core. Like my essential organs are experiencing a small but nasty earthquake.

It will never leave me. It has improved and is nothing compared to a couple of years ago, but even so, it will always come back for another visit as if to say in a menacing tone 'You haven't forgotten about me, have you?'.

It will never leave me.

Chronic Illness Support

I was browsing on FB as many do and came across this post that Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd had shared:

I may be posting a lot about setting up my new creative business, but I will never forget the core reason for my blog. The brick wall that is stigma desperately needs to be brought down. If it happens brick by brick, no matter, it is better than it growing brick by brick.

Sunny Stitches for weddings!

Just under a fortnight to go til I launch Sunny Stitches and I am starting to get nervous about if anyone will even consider buying anything :/ eehh what if people don't like what I come up with? No no, nerves do not make me look good, I have to be bright and bubbly and confident in my creative work (oooh I like the way I sound saying that!).

Click on my banner above to go to my twitter and follow me to keep up to date with Sunny Stitches! I would love for any of my blog readers to follow me in other ways, the support means a lot.

At the moment, my head of wedding ideas for favours, table numbers or alternatives, table places, tokens, all sorts. I want to stitch everything! I'm starting to run low on start-up supplies so I will have to hold on to a few ideas, draw them up but keep them safe in my idea bank until I know (if I get any orders) what pieces are more popular.

My best mate and the exam results

Mood: Content

My closest friend is the BEST! I messaged her saying I wasn't in a good enough place to leave the house and she was so understanding, said it was fine and suggested we try some time next week. I will text her on a day I'm feeling confident enough to go out and hopefully she'll be free, I guess this is how we'll have to play it.

An understanding friend is such a big relief

Obviously I can't speak for other people with above average anxiety or constant worrying, but I really do worry a lot about friends judging me, I always have but it is much more elevated since, you know, what happened at uni :/ it is the biggest relief that my best mate is totally fine with it.

Even though people often say 'it's fine', I will read into their body language and convince myself I found the truth elsewhere in their behaviour, that they are lying or just being polite.

* * * * *

The exam results came in the post yesterday - no wonder the email still wasn't coming through haha - and as I expected, I failed both my exams. They sent a transcript of multiple pages - the results, what it means, if you need to do something next etc. On the front it said:

Award: Repeat - No award.

This made me panic a little because I wasn't sure if this meant I wouldn't get an exit award either. I was looking through my transcript with mum and told her why I was worried, so she was nice enough to ring uni to ask about it. Of course, they had to talk to me but I was okay because I knew what I had to say.

Thankfully, all is okay. They had to hear from me, because failing my exams meant I was automatically given the option to repeat those modules (coursework and all) through the next academic year. YOU MUST BE JOKING, last year was painful enough. So by ringing I confirmed that I didn't want this option and to ask for the exit award instead. That is all sorted now and I should get a whole new transcript in the post.

Next step: Graduation

Won't leave my bed

Click on image for more info on the show

I refuse to move. I am determined to stay in bed where I am safe and in control and don't need to be around anyone else,

I have been up, had breakfast in front of The Dog Rescuers. It is one of those can't-tolerate-anything-with-family days, I just want them to leave me alone and stop bothering me.

Go away!!

Why can't I be left alone?! If I stay in bed where I'm comfy and cosy, a good mood might come my way by tonight. Done a bit more on the piece so the design itself is finished. Frankly I don't care anymore, I'm not bothered about finishing it. I'll give it them another time, they're getting something else as well anyway.

Just so f***ing mad! I will gauge someone's eyes out if I have the chance.

EXAM RESULTS DUE TODAY

Mood: Mousey

I want to stay in bed and curl up with my warm duvet with noone coming up and prodding me with questions. Went to sleep at 2:10am - what is wrong with me - and set my alarm at 8. My body clock is getting silly now beause I am very rapidly going back to my old ways of being on my laptop in bed for a while. It's not as much of a problem like at uni, but it's still not a good thing.

I'm not bothered by getting my exam results today, I already know it's a case of getting an exit award or not and I'm not sure if I might have to wait longer to know that or if that may have been decided and I will find out today.

Today had better run smoothly because the wedding reception is tonight and I have to complete my wedding present for them and it MUST be perfect. It's a wedding present!! So much more worried about that, particularly the backing, but I will do my best :) some craft supplies should arrive in the post today (fingers crossed) so I can gift wrap the hoop piece the way I'd like.

Physical problem trumps mental

Mood: Okay

It was an odd afternoon, mum and I went down the road for a few errands as well as going to a cafe for lunch.

Woke up crazy late today - 11, oops - and mum came up to ask if I wanted to go out and we could gt pancakes. Ever since I saw this nice pancake sign outside this little cafe, mum and I have been meaning to try them. We still haven't.

The idea was to get the errands and little jobs out of the way, then treat at the end, but by the time we were done we were too hungry and ended up having bigger lunches.

It is hard hearing mum talk about my sister's eczema sometimes - she spoke about how painful it was to see her a while back and she just had to do something about it etc. The words were ringing in my ears and if I we were at home and I could've escaped to my room, I probably would've cried.

Amazing how many times a single fact can come back and hit you over and over - mum can't see my condition, so she can't understand any struggle or difficulty.

To be fair, she did suggest to me the other day that I should get the Agoraphobia sorted, but that's because I crept into her room and blurbed out my struggles.

I have to come to terms with the fact that my sister's physical problems will always trump my mental ones. Yes, I know it's not a competition, but difference in support is there and it will remain there *sigh* my mum put over £100 into making special creams, moisturisers and lotions at home for my sister to use. It has helped a lot which is great and I am so happy for my sister that her skin is improving :)

Agoraphobic + Telephobic = how am I supposed to get by?!

With a little research and plenty of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that I am almost certainly Agoraphobic.

I am still looking up support stuff, like diagnosis and treatment and I came across this:

Speak to your GP if you think you have agoraphobia.

If you're unable to visit your GP in person it should be possible to arrange a telephone consultation.

Slight problem: I'm Telephobic too. Damn it :/

I have been improving, answering the phone more often, but I am still very anxious - from the ringing to the conversation - everything about it makes me shaky. Feel nervous just thinking about it.

My worst problem is that my avoidance of answering the phone aggravates my family - they all get angry with me if I'm the closest but I deliberately ignore the phone ringing. My dad especially, Mr Mind-Over-Matter, I can hardly try to explain to him. He'll shrug me off, telling me to practice Reiki.... I'm serious, or he'll say just breathe deeply and calm down. Oh for god's sake dad, you've no flippin' clue have you, I can't just breathe it away!

Now I'm the one who's aggravated...

I'm getting into an elevated panic now - how am I supposed to live? It's not as simple as facing your fears, I'm not ready for that. I suppose the Telephobia can be tackled very gradually, but I feel pretty useless right now.

Just a hunk of meat, a waste of space :'(

Feeling pretty hungry and would love a cup of tea, but I'm staying in my room while my sister's downstairs. Maybe I feel intimidated because I feel that she judges me. She would dispute that I'm sure, but it's a big point of anxiety for me. Well, she'll be down there all day, but while mum is out I don't think I can handle it. I have a window next to me showing the front of the house, so I will know as soon as mum gets back, then I will go down.

That is terrible, AnxietyUK!

This makes me really mad!

AnxietyUK has a big member's section of the website with access to many things - local support, links, advice booklets and fact sheets, all sorts of things. That's fine, good idea, but making people pay? Come on now, you have a magazine, why not just ask people to pay for a subscription.

You have to pay for a fact sheet download

I don't like the fact that I would have to pay to gain access to many things that could help support me through my day to day life with mental illness, we should be entitled to that! I was on some phobia pages and there were links to fact sheets and advice booklets to download - I thought 'Great, this will be a big help.' Click on it - directs me to a payment form. HUH?!

That is really frustrating, I just think that's ridiculous.

Thinking of a lost friendship

This probably isn't a wise thing to do, my mood isn't going to thank me, but I can't help it. I lost my closest friend of 3 years over a misunderstanding and I'm mad about it.

I'm not mad at her or myself, just the situation I suppose. She was smarter than me and we were always so in sync, I remember how shocked I was that she'd grown to dislike me over months without me realising. Well not dislike me exactly, I guess I don't know how to put it.

I didn't realise anything. Depression really puts you into a bubble, as if you can't see or hear anything around you. You're in a soundproof bubble - just you and the numbing, constant voice telling you you and your life are worthless.

I only wish she could've seen that I didn't voluntarily step into this bubble.

I suppose she was right about me pushing her away. The misunderstanding was that she didn't see that action for what it was - an act of kindness. I was giving her the chance to get away from me and the quicksand atmosphere that depression creates, I was determined to keep myself at a distance to prevent her from absorbing my behaviour and mood. I wish I could go back and explain that to her :/ oh well, too late now.

Don't give me that 'I've been there too, you will be fine' line, none of us walk the same path

Mood: Anxious

They're talking about me downstairs. My sister has asked what I was talking to mum about and mum's giving every detail, I just know it. This has happened many times over the years. I don't care that we are all one family, mum is talking to someone else about what I told her in confidence without my permission. Regardless of who it is, that's talking behind my back and how am I supposed to trust my own mother when she does this?

I'm talking to you (mum) about my anxiety, do you think I won't get anxious about whether you might pass on what I've said?! I'm frustrated, but I don't want to come down hard on mum because she does a lot and things are particularly tough for her since my grandpa has been in hospital and isn't well, but I won't go into that.

My sister already judges me for my behaviour - this'll only make her more opinionated.

'What a drama queen.'

'She's just exaggerating, she's fine.'

'Always an excuse with her, she just never admits her faults'

'She's lazy, that's all it is, she can't be bothered!'

I can see it now, my sister thinking/saying all this. I don't think she believes a word from me and on the chance that she does, she gives me the 'I've been there too and you'll get past it' line.

I HATE. THAT. LINE.

Yes, mental health difficulties like depression and anxiety are common, but do not assume we all walk down the same road. That only tells me that you haven't truly been there youurself. Either that or you really didn't think of the bigger picture of mental health across a group of people. My sister was depressed for a little while years ago, I am not condoning that or saying I have it worse or anything, but don't tell me how it'll go for me! It goes differently for every individual, do I really have to explain this to you?!

I'm pretty sure I know what'll happen next. My sister will go out of her way to try to have a one-to-one chat with me (it'll feel more like a counsel) about how she understands, she's had all of this herself (I feel like I have nothing of my own, not even bloody mental illness), it'll fade blablabla.

Yeah, you said that when I told you I was bisexual and guess what, I still am - hello

Sister's birthday

Mood: Okay

First thing was first - cards and presents. Then we all got ready to go out and headed to a lovely small town we like that's a little drive away. Lunch was nice and had a lovely lemon tart after nom nom nom

You know I love all lemon desserts!

We mooched around the charity shops the rest of the afternoon and I got a lovely teal strappy top and some crewel/embroidery needles.

It was a nice afternoon, but now that we're back home, I'm looking forward to having some alone time to feel balanced....well, alone with My Little Pony. Don't judge me.

Last minute / BREAKTHROUGH!

It's my sister's birthday tomorrow, so I need to nip out quickly and get money out for mum and myself - we're putting money towards a spa afternoon that she'd like. The three of us were going to go together, but it's £100 each!!! Forget it :/

I know it's not her, but I have a set of cat/kitten cards. I left it too late to go out and get a card that was more suited to her :/ my bad. Maybe she'll find it a tiny bit cute? Oh well, at least I won't be empty handed!

* * * * *

I'm back from a quick trip down the road and I got some goodies! Instead of just giving my sister money, I've got her a Superdrug Gift Card so she can treat herself to cosmetics or whatever she likes :) I found a pretty birthday card as well, thank goodness!

Packaging = in the bag!

I nipped into G+Ts in case they had some cheap stickers shaped like teacups or cupcakes or something to embellish my product packaging. I couldn't believe it - they now have an aisle of craft supplies!! I bought some little pretty bits for my packaging and on the walk back home, I figured out how exactly I wanted to package my pieces.

This feels like a great achievement because now I can see it coming together and how a buyer would see their purchase when it reaches them. It should look really pretty, I'm so excited to wrap some now :D every stage - from rough design to packaging - must be pretty and it will, I can really see it now.

Getting Sunny Stitches out there

Mood: Productive

So, today I am going to fuel any frustrations that come my way into productivity for Sunny Stitches. I'm excited eeee! I do hope you will visit and take a peek at my shop :)

Some of my friends are looking forward to seeing it, they want to know when it opens and thanks to mentioning it on facebook, an ex of mine has asked me to make some pieces for her wedding next year. Thankfully, she is happy to wait til my shop launches, so I don't have to come up with pieces for her on top of getting ready for the launch date.

Embroidery wedding designs

Most of the pieces can be customised, usually with names, so I will put up a couple of hoop pieces suitable for weddings to give her a better idea of whether it will fit with what she wants :D I have some big tasks to do - make my own mini photo studio (I've learnt how to make one at home), make some social networking accounts (probably Instagram and twitter). I don't know if you remember, but a while back I was thinking of creating a second blog especially for Sunny Stitches, but I changed my mind because I wouldn't have enough content to justify an entire blog for it. At least not for a good while, but Instagram and twitter are doable :)

Keeping the mind busy prevents negative thought patterns coming in

On a more serious note, setting up a creative business is just perfect to keep my mind busy and focussed. I have targets that I want to meet every day, so there's never a moment where I can just sit and let my mind drift. As soon as my mind drifts, it gets more and more negative by default.

Am I still depressed after all or is it my environment?

Mood: Emotional

What an upsetting morning. I woke up fine, went downstairs and made a round of tea for the house. As I'm making tea, my sister asks if I want to go out food shopping with her. My instant thought - 'Why are you asking me, I've told you before that I can't stand being asked to go out.'

Alarm bells

So I'm instantly in a bad mood with that, I try to get out of it - Why do you need me?! I can feel my hands starting to get shaky as she pleads that it'll help. All I'm hearing is alarm bells in my head. Some people will see me as selfish, but others who know of my mental health history will know it's typical anxiety from me, though it is slowly turning into Agoraphobia.

I've already had a long chat with my sister about how I feel going outside and that I hate being asked to go out, I remember saying that it is easier if it's of my own accord and by myself.

You can't face your fears until you feel ready to handle it

Anyway, I quietly agree and finish making the tea, now in a majorly pissed off mood. Why does my family push me into feeling unsafe? Don't even try giving me the 'face your fears' stuff, that's only for when you feel ready and not before. So I make myself breakfast and, even though there's space at the dinner table, I perch on the sofa as curled up as possible and as far away from my mum and sister as I can get while still being in the house.

'There's space here love' mum says and my sister says how I don't want to sit near her. 'What's the matter, darlin'?' I instantly go on a verbal rampage that I've already explained before how I feel about going out bla bla bla, I'm shakily eating my breakfast since now I'm really riled up.

She tried to talk to me

A short while after, I'm hugging my (empty, but warm) mug in a ball on the sofa and my sis comes over and holds me. I am crying my eyes out but I'm trying to stay away from her because I'm really pissed off with her. She was trying to talk to me but it was really hard for me to explain my problem.

Have you ever been so emotional and angry that your words are caught in your throat, maybe from fear of swearing or saying something you'll regret? She was like 'Do you love us?' - what kind of question is that?! Of course I bloody do, you're family, but for a good while I've disliked you all.

I know how horrible and nasty that sounds, but through all the years of 'jokes' and the odd 'chubby' comment from mum and those 'Lighten up', 'Don't be so sensitive' stabs, in my mind all of this is bullying to be honest and who wants to live in a house with bullies?!

I descended into screaming because she was throwing at me question after question - in her mind it was to help, but to me that's just interrogation. I can't come up with answers to your questions, I don't know what to say..,

If I say how I feel it'll cause another massive family rupture and we just started getting over the last one.