DO I NEED THE MEDS AGAIN?

Feeling: Fed up/miserable/irritated

I'm at a point where I'm really miserable in my home situation again. I'm not getting on with my family, especially my sister, everyone irritates me almost all the time and I can't be myself because I get loads of judgement my way - 'Do you have to watch that?', 'Why don't you choose something else?' 'Disney is for children.'

Better off?

I have about 1-2 months worth of anti-depressants and I'm wondering whether I'll be better off going back on them. I am going to be living at home with my family for at least another year or so, what am I supposed to do? Do I start taking the meds again or is it just my living situation that I have to deal with? If I was in a different environment I think I would be fine, but I'm not :(

*chomps Curly Wurly*

Of course I don't want to rely on the meds and take them whenever I'm a bit down, I know it doesn't work like that. You need to allow yourself a couple of weeks to adjust and for them to start working anyway, so it wouldn't do you any good just randomly popping them like sweets.

*chomp chomp*

I have been depressed, so slipping back into it is possible. If these meds will help me manage my current situation and help me to cope a bit better, then why not. Also, if I don't start them again, what would my alternative be, because I am going to be soooo damn stressed with my Postgrad course :S I just need to think it over a bit longer.

DAD, YOU ARE NOT SUPERHUMAN!

Feeling: Drained
Watching: World's Busiest Railways - BBC2

DAD HAS SERIOUS PROBLEMS

My dad is extremely mind over matter. So much so, that he doesn't believe in the medical industry. He reached the big 60 last year and it sent me into a state of shock. I got in a big state today - curled up in mum's bed and smeared mascara all over her pillow cover - because dad threw away mail suggesting he go for a screening test thing.

ME, SICK? NAH

It is a very depressing thought when he believes WE are the deluded ones for believing what doctors tell us. What if he got something serious?! Even if, by some miracle, we convinced him to get tests, if they came back positive he'd never agree. He'd think the doctor made it up for some reason. Why would they do that?! He thinks that if you think right, you are right, that you can mentally will your cells to stay healthy.

SUPERHUMAN?

It's just baffling. A major truth of nature is that everything, at some point, will break down. He has it in his head that he can make himself superhuman and prevent himself from ever getting really sick.

THANK GOODNESS FOR MUM!

Feeling: Determined
Listening to: Diana Ross & The Supremes - Keep Me Hangin' On

So relieved that mum is back home. We're all freaking out about how to afford our courses - my sister's moving to Cardiff for a master's - and she is just calming everyone down. Oh, I never said she was away I don't think! She went to stay in a nice cottage with her oldest friend and her family for a few days away and had a lovely time :)

I'm looking into the cold figures of how much the journeys will cost me over the year. The only thing is I don't know what days of the week I'll be on campus. If the days were consecutive - next to each other - it's one journey there and back, but it might be two return journeys if the days are far apart. Hmm I'll try to stay there to make it one trip. It would be really helpful if uni would email me the days I'm in now..... ANY TIME NOW *huffs*.

Why must the UK be so expensive when it comes to travel! :'( Right, well, a cup of tea is a good starting point.

TIM£ TO PANIC ABOUT MON£Y? / SISTER RAGE

Feeling: Very tense

I feel like I'l have a panic attack some time soon. Oh my goooood. I've been losing sleep ever since my uni sent me an email with the date of my induction day. It is 4 weeks away and it has hit me that I have to find the money somewhere to afford the journey :( oh god.

* * * * *

Why can't I be left ALONE?!

Feel like everyone's pestering me about something all the time. I'm getting headaches from the money worries, I don't need my sister trapsing about the house and talking to me as if it's a matron-patient relationship. Guuuhh she can drive me so mad with her maternal ways, we're almost 5 years apart but it feels more like 15.

Okay. My mum and her friends get here in just over an hour. Once they're here it'll be fine, until then I am staying in my room and counting to 1 000... maybe I should be back on my meds? :/ I'm only like this with my sister, I get irritated by everything she does. If she isn't practicing, she's singing along to whatever's playing including my Disney films, which I want to be left to enjoy in peace. I don't want to hear your voice anymore, I hear it enough from all your practicing!!

60 WAYS TO CHANGE MY LIFE BOOK

When I was having a lush soak in a bubble bath yesterday, I was reading a mini book - like those pocket books you see in Waterstone's - that's called 60 WAYS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE by Linda Field. These tiny reads might be easily overlooked, but everyone should have one on their bookshelf.

I feel like this book gave me a new lease of life. After reading it front to back and back to front. It makes you really think things through, analyse yourself and your aspirations and feel worthwhile enough to go after what you want in life.

Let go of past regrets and guilt, create positive affirmations to bring around your self-esteem, it's full of little pieces of advice and things you can think about to change one little thing.

AWKWARD CAT CARING SITUATION!

Our neighbours are the loveliest couple and they have gone away for a few days. They also have foreign students staying over at theirs - they have been there for a while and don't leave for another week or so. The wife has asked me to look after their cat while they're away and gae me some money for it, they're so kind.

BURGLAR?!!

Unfortunately there was a lack of communication to do with the couple's cat. I've looked after her before; feeding, letting her out and in again and giving her lots of attention. When I went over tonight, I forgot that the girls were there until I heard creaking above me as I went to the back door to let their cat in - let's call her P! One of the students, who already knows me and my family, creeped down the stairs as I was trying to call P back indoors.

She comes down, tells me she already let her in. Oh. Well, then I had the awkward position to say 'Hey I know you're living here for the time being, but I'm going to be coming over twice a day to care for the cat, not you'. How do you say it politely?!

Awkwaarrrrd

She said it's all fine, but I don't think it is. I'll probably go over in the mornings and they'll have already let P out. Okay, put some food out. When I go over in the evenings, they'll have probably let her in before I get there and the food is out already from earlier. That's almost the whole job.

They really kindly gave me money for looking after her, but I won't feel right keeping the money if I've barely done anything. On the other hand, I need the money, any money that comes my way is very warmly welcomed but if what I suspect will happen does happen I'll have to give it back to them.

We'll see.

* * * * *

What did I tell you! Went over first thing this morning - she was let out last night and hasn't been back since. This better not continue like this.

Blogilates morning + productive afternoon!

Feeling: Productive
Watching: My Little Pony (click to watch the same episode!)

This morning, my sister and I worked out like maniacs, thanks to Blogilates! Every workout is killer and you're guaranteed to feel it the next day! So long as you warm up beforehand and stretch afterwards, I highly recommend her videos. She also has a brilliant website where you can download free monthly plans where she has planned which videos you should do on each day, as well as healthy food recipes and motivation to keep you going!

Now that I've had a lush hot soak in a bath and washed my hair, I feel like being productive this afternoon!

What to do, let's see:

• Wash my makeup brushes
• Detox my bedroom
• File some paperwork into folders
• Decide what to do with hair in proper detail (I know the colours I want, I just can't decide how I want it in my hair)

EARLY YEARS TEACHING + COLOURFUL HAIR??

Feeling: Worried

More than ever, I really want to go all out with bright, colourful, unicorn hair! I'm starting to worry a little though.

COULD I STILL BE AN EARLY YEARS TEACHER?

Some people might not see how my hair colour is relevant, but my appearance would reflect on where I work e.g. the primary school or day nursery.

The fact of the matter is a lot of places would consider my appearance unprofessional and, although my hair is still a natural colour, it is still a worry as I'm almost dead set on getting it done. I haven't planned when to do it or anything, but I'm in the position where I'm itching to book a salon appointment and just take the plunge into the wonder of UNICORN HAIR. I just can't until I have a good idea of hard it'll be for me to find work.

I do have the advantage of planning to work with little ones up to the age of 5, because had I gone for teaching any older than that I certainly would not find work anywhere, or I'd find it very tough at the best of times.

I have this strong feeling that I could get away with it in early years so long as I can really
promote myself and have potential employers see a great reception teacher/day nursery carer, rather than some random with bright hair. I'd have to really push the fact that I'd take my job seriously.

I don't see why my hair colour should reflect badly on my work ethic or how I manage with little ones. If anything, I think it would help! The kids would LOVE IT! Of course, I wouldn't let them be distracted from their activities, the only matter is convincing whoever is interviewing me of that :/

The Ultimate Favourites List!

Favourite Movie? The First Wives Club
Favourite Book/Novel? The Rice Mother by Rani Manicka
Favourite Colour? Peach & mint
Favourite Actor? Will Smith
Favourite Actress? Goldie Hawn
Favourite Hero? Mulan
Favourite Villain? Hades
Favourite Fruit? Strawberries
Favourite Vegetable? Cucumber
Favourite Ice Cream? Too many to choose from!
Favourite Candy? Fruit Pastilles
Favourite Restaraunt? Wagamama's
Favourite Article of Clothing? Bed socks
Favourite Hair Color? Darkest brown
Favourite Eye Color? Green
Favourite Person? My boyfriend!
Favourite Song? Changed all the time! At the moment ummm Hey Mama by David Guetta
Favourite Body Part? Waist
Favourite Game? Phase 10
Favourite Board Game? Sorry
Favourite Food? Nutella on toast
Favourite TV Show? RuPaul's Drag Race!
Favourite Sport? Swimming
Favourite School Subject? Maths
Favourite Hobby? Hand embroideryyyy
Favourite Music Genre? Chart music.... I love all sorts though
Favourite Drink? Hot = Redbush tea, Cold - Peach Ice Tea
Favourite Holiday? CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAS!!
Favourite Dog Breed? Samoyeds, Corgis, Alaskan Malamutes and Shelties. I CAN HAVE FOUR!
Favourite Type Of Cat? Ummmm fluffy?
Favourite Animal? Tigerrr
Favourite Cereal? Golden Grahams
Favourite Cookie? Chocolate chip cookies
Favourite Obsession? My Little Pony, mermaids, Disney and unicorns
Favourite Religion? Buddhism
Favourite Shop? Miss Selfridge
Favourite Cartoon? My Little Pony
Favourite Magazine? Glamour
Favourite Season? Every season is nice in its own way :)
Favourite Scent? Fresh bread
Favourite Actor/Actress Crush? Andy Whitfield
Favourite Breakfast? Golden Grahams
Favourite Cartoon Figure? PINKIE PIE!
Favourite Accomplishment? Going to South Africa by myself for 5 weeks to stay at a Big Cat Sanctuary
Favourite Outside Activity? Does shopping count?
Favourite Inside Activity? Watching Netflix with nibbles and a cup of tea
Favourite Comedy? The First Wives Club
Favourite Romance? The Young Victoria
Favourite Thriller? Inception
Favourite Mammal? Apart from tigers, cheetahs!
Favourite Insect? Butterfly
Favourite Type Of Bird? Robins
Favourite Type Of Fish? Dolphin
Favourite Author? Jodi Piccoult
Favourite Talk Show? Tonight with Jimmy Fallon
Favourite Hairstyle? Long, dark and wavy hair with balayage highlights
Favourite Emoji? ^.^
Favourite Way to Pamper Yourself? A disney movie in my pyjamas!

HOW TO: Detox your bedroom

Let's clear the chaos!

I LOVE to put my room through a detox! My room looks better, my mind is calmer and everything is in its place!

The first thing to think of is what you are trying to achieve: Do you want to throw things away or do you just want to rearrange your room? If you don't want to throw things but you don't want to keep them either, why not give them to a charity shop?

What I find useful is categorising my things into piles, so either get some plastic bags or cardboard boxes or you can use any large space like the floor, whatever you like. I prefer cardboard boxes, but I never have any lying around so I usually have a large plastic bag for things to throw or give to charity.

Make sure to have some of your favourite music playing so you get into a rhythm.

Once you know what your plan is, you can dive right in!

There's no right or wrong way to go about it: pluck things from all over or start from one end of your room and work your way round. If you don't know where to start, first look at your furniture. Do you want to keep your furniture where it is or do you want to completely change things around?  

I prefer to go through and categorise everything first. Slowly, I end up with a decent amount of things to get rid of, so that if I want to rearrange my bedroom furniture like my chest of drawers, I have already made it lighter and easier to move.

Be sure, when you are done, to get rid of the 'To Throw/Donate' pile as soon as you can after your detox, otherwise you will lose the same drive and you'll end up keeping this pile in your room. It would defeat the point of your whole tidy up, so get rid of it! I have to say, I have this pile from my last detox under my mirror still waiting for its trip to a charity shop.

UGHH DAD!

Feeling: Irritated
Listening to: Radio 2

Berry Picking time!

I really enjoy berry picking at our (I say our, it's dad's baby really) allotment, but I just never feel like heading over because it's a loooong visit. I'm a little wary of going today because I have my blood donation appointment in the afternoon and you have to make sure you eat til food comes out of your ears beforehand or they won't let you donate. They don't want anyone fainting on them! Like my sister did..

Still! It'll be nice and relaxing. I'd ideally like to go as soon as possible, but dad's swanning around in his pjs :/ COME OOON, LET'S GO!

AAARGH DAD!

Why is it that none of us can do something differently to how you think it should be done?!! Uuuuughhh so aggravating.

If you want to do anything DIY related, you're better off waiting until he's out of the house, because he will watch over you the entire time, breathing down your neck and giving you 'advice' nonstop. For goodness sake, either do it yourself or go away!!!

For a while, I welcome his advice. He's my dad and there is a lot he can give me advice on. The thing is, he never stops to let you figure anything out for yourself and often just takes over whatever it is you were doing.

To be honest, sometimes we use it against him to get him to do jobs! I was starting to spray paint our garden furniture a new colour, it was going to be a really fun job. He helped me prepare for it which was nice of him and I started painting....the 'advice' kept coming.......and coming.....til eventually I let him take the spray paint and show me how to do it 'properly'. By this point, I stormed off and left him to it.

FUN HAIR PLANS

Feeling: Excited

I have to tell you my plaaaaans. I'm going to go all FUN with my hair! Yes, that involves pink. And purple. And blue.

Before you tell me it's a crazy idea, I know it is and that's kind of part of the reason I want to do it. I'm not going to get my whole head done, just like the lower half. I attempted to bleach my hair, despite its uber darkness, and it didn't do much sadly :(

Anyhow, here's some photos I found that I like to show an idea:

WHAT DO YOU THINK!

Grey but productive day!

Feeling: Happy
Watching: Mermaid Gossip on YouTube

Helloooo everybody!

Happy puppy am I

What do you think, should I be more big and bold and colourful? I think that would be nice. Sums up my personality after all :D

So, as you know from my last blog I am in a much better place than I was a couple of months ago, not that things were particularly bad, but over the past month or so I've been feeling much perkier.
HOORAY!

Pretty grim day today, a big blanket of clouds has been hanging over us here all day, but it hasn't stopped us doing things! Mum and I have been doing more spring cleaning and I'm chuffed at my productivity :D I find it easier when my sis isn't around, I guess I see it as a chance to step up maybe? Who knows, but it's nice.

I am still spending most days in my pjs I do admit, but none of my clothes are comfortable yet! I'm still with Slimming World, but I had like a month off when I went to Tom's. THANKFULLY, I only gained 2 lbs - a miracle! I honestly thought it would be loads more, I would see this great heffalump in the mirror and bubble baths were more distressing than relaxing :/

What I should do is stop planning to do things and JUST DO THEM. I keep intending to do my insane workout dvd twice a week, but that certainly hasn't manifested.

AUGUST: THE NETWORKING MONTH

Feeling: Good
Watching: Despicable Me 2

I'm doing my best to meet up with long, lost friends.... everyone really :/ so far so good. I went to a birthday party Saturday night for an old school friend and it was really fun!

I haven't been to any party or social get together for years and lately I've had this aching feeling, a really sudden, strong need to have friends and go out and take silly photos. I've gone a long time without being sociable and I'm now starting to feel actual damage from staying at home all the time. Well, that's what depression does isn't it, it cuts you off.

I might feel like myself again, but I now see that I have to work hard to reverse all that my depression did. I used to think once the depression is gone, things would more or less sort themselves out. Maybe that's what I needed to believe, I don't know, but I feel I'm making a real effort now. Yayyy :)

BORED

Feeling: Bored


It's just occurred to me that I'm bored an awful lot of the time! I just haven't got important tasks to get on with each day, so I feel like I'm floating about the house aimlessly :/

Some people may not feel the need to have a kind of strategy plan for their day, but it gives me such a sense of purpose that is so crucial for me to keep thinking forwards.

What I have been up to, when the sun comes up, is soaking up the rays! We all need our Vitamin D and us Brits rarely get our share BUT so far this summer has been very good in terms of sunshine! Soooo happy to catch some rays and actually build a teeny tiny tan :D of course, being a 5 year old trapped in a 23 year old's body, I can't sit still for very long, and sunbathing requires a lot of lying still!

20 fun facts about me!

20 fun facts about me!

I have a big collection of Carry On films on video.

Morecambe & Wise are my favourite comedy duo of all time.

My sister is a classical singer.

My sister and I are the only lefties in our family.

I tried to get into modelling when I was 16, but I was too short (5"&7' then), too pretty (apparently) and not fresh enough (looked older than my age).

I enjoyed going to bars and clubs before I was old enough, then lest interest as soon as I was!

I've been teetotal for 2 years and proud :)

When I was little I thought I would be a poet. I wrote lots of short poems.

At GCSE level, I would go through the lesson plans too fast and do 3x as much as the rest of the class. I even asked for extra exercises to do in my spare time because I enjoyed it so much.

No one can beat me at Connect 4.... apart from my father *groooowl*

At Theatre School, I played Mary Magdalene (Jesus Christ Superstar), a nun (Hunchback of Notre Dame) and Golde (Fiddler on the Roof) - besides parts I can't remember.

I grew up playing Phase 10 and have taught it to friends over the years. My boyfriend really enjoys it!

Growing flowers in the garden for wildlife is a passion of mine.

I have joined slimming world to lose a total of 15 lbs/2 stone 1 lb. So far, I have lost 11.5 lbs :)

I have very acute hearing and can tell when people are singing even the tiniest bit sharp or flat. It's come in handy a couple of times before when my sister practices.

Love Disney and My Little Pony (the new gen). I don't care if people find that weird at the age that I am, if it's what I like, it's what I like!

I take forever to tan and I'm too impatient to sunbathe for long! Lose-lose situation :(

I have light skin pigmentation along my spine - if/when I tan deeply, it looks really cool!

My dream pet dog is a Samoyed, they are stunning!

I want a mermaid tail from Finfolk Productions so much!!

DISNEY MAD?

Feeling: Bored

Watching: Bubzvlogz on YouTube

I am booooored out of my wits. *stomach rumble* yay, something to do!

Just finished doing some research for my course and downloaded some good info booklets that'll keep in handy. Now what?

Disney mad?

I don't know why, but the past few days I've been looking at Disney-related stuff obsessively, even before going to sleep on my phone and first thing in the morning! Watched Lilo & Stitch this morning and listened to some Disney songs later on.

Tapping into your inner child/princess/mermaid is like an escape from adult thoughts and worries. Also, I'm a sucker for happy endings! Omigosh, I watched Homeward Bound earlier - I was crying all the way through, almost the entire time! :P

I think I know how to solve my dilemma of boredom. MULAN!

Killing time

Feeling: Perky
Watching: Bubzvlogz on YouTube

What now?!

Bath Spa have given me some more course info - resources and tasks to do - so I have something to get on with.... I guess :/ I have another week before I pack for Tom's (I'm getting impatient, I'm dying to go and see him!), so what shall I do before then?!

Let's get scrapbooking!!

Mum said a while back that she'd treat me to a new my first scrapbook album if I get an offer for a place, because I've been wanting to get into scrapbooking for a while now. So after church - I go to help with the kids in Sunday School, but I love everyone there as well - we went to the great and glorious Hobby Craft and mum got me an album and I bought some inserts and some cute, sticky tags! Take a look here: _threadkinlife_ on Instagram

I've decided my theme for it will by my experiences as I become an Early Years Teacher. So far, I have a handmade card from the Day Nursery smothered in glitter thanks to the kids and card from my Reception teachers I worked with, so I will definitely put them in. I would like to take photos of the nursery and school to put in next to the cards :) ooohh and a little girl in Reception made me a couple of things, bless her, so they will go in too!

Best friend baby blues / Who would be there?

My closest friend had her second child a couple of weeks ago, a cutesy little boy :) I haven't had the chance to meet him yet. I feel like I'm waiting in line behind a thousand people to meet him and see my best mate.

While she was pregnant, we were doing really well at meeting almost once a week. I would usually travel to hers and spend time with her and her daughter, who is an adorable diva who likes going to Costa just as much as we do! Chip off the old block, this one.

I understand her priorities have changed since she became a mum, but.... I don't know, maybe I'm getting friend withdrawal symptoms ha! Please don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier for her. I love her little girl and I'm sure I'll love her little boy as well. It was easier for her with the one child, but now she has a toddler and a baby, they are her world. Which is how it should be, of course. I still can't help feeling like I'm waving our friendship goodbye a bit.

Keeping friends

It is hard holding onto friends. I genuinely don't know who would be there for me and who wouldn't. Not that I don't know really good people, but I'm awful at judging someone's character when it comes to being friends.

If I didn't have my boyfriend Tom or my mother-of-two bestie, who would I ring if I needed someone to talk to? I wish I knew. It takes some hard work making and maintaining friendships and I am in serious need of work in that department.

Student finance / I NEED FUN!

Feeling: Out of it
Listening to: Woodkid - Run Boy Run

Massive storm

We had the craziest thunder and lightning last night! I've never seen so much lightning in my whole life, it was amazing to watch. I even filmed it for 10 minutes, I got some good lightning shots! The rain was insane as well and, being the lucky girl that I am, got a front row seat to what sounded like a rock concert in the sky as I hopelessly tried to sleep. Thank goodness I didn't have a need to rise early this morning.

Student finance pains

This gets tedious so damn quickly. I've emailed my programme leader for the course code which I need to submit my application. I could send it anyway, but it won't get assessed until my course details are confirmed, so I don't see the point in sending it now. I chose my time to focus on this well..... the weekend.....when she won't reply. Oops.

Need fun!

I need to do something fun to brighten up my day!

Maybe I'll buy that mid year diary I really like the look of from Paperchase. This is the one I want :) If you like it for yourself, click on it! £6.50, thanks very much.

What I have really been after is an Erin Condren LifePlanner, but not only are they expensive, they're based in California, so there's shipping on top :( in total, it would come to £45! They are good quality, but I think until I'm earning I will have an affordable, cutesy one :) maybe I will get a LifePlanner some day in the future.

The Skills Test

The skills test

The interview wasn't the only hurdle. When you are offered a teacher training place - of any kind - you have to pass the Professional Skills Tests. There are 2 tests, one Maths and one English, to make sure your skills in each are a high enough standard to teach. Bear in mind, I know I don't write proper English all the time in my posts!

I felt far more confident for the English than the Maths, even though I have always been strong in both subjects. You don't exactly work out percentages and fractions every day, do you?!

So after each test, I had to go to reception for my results. the test is computerised, so your mark is calculated straight away. They print off your results and it will say whether you have passed or not. I was disappointed that the sheets didn't have the % mark on them, but I had no reason to complain.

I passed both first time!

THE INTERVIEW WAS...

Feeling: Rested

Watching: Bubzvlogz - YouTube

Teacher training interview

While I was still helping in Reception - oh gosh, I'm trying to remember roughly where I was when I last posted..... not that I couldn't just read them -.... oh wow, I haven't written since my interview invitation?! Hmm right.

Yes, I was still going in to school for 3 days a week and enjoying it very much and then I had my interview email come throgh for Bath Spa. I was so chuffed that there was even spaces left, by that point I'd convinced myself that I was too late. I prepared really hard for the interview and I became pretty snappy at times with family, I was feeling the pressure.

I did my research and got the practical side of the day all sorted - I like to write down my train change times and possible buses so I don't panic if something goes wrong - and soon enough the day came for me to go. I'd say everything went well :) the B&B I stayed at was nice, the lady who ran it was lovely and so attentive and on the day I got to the uni in plenty of time for the interview!

I felt I did as well I could, considering the other candidates - it was in the form of a group interview - had all been in an education setting, if not early years, already and had a ton of knowledge and experience. I knew we were applying for different pathways of the same programme and all being assessed individually, but I still felt pretty small.

All I could do was try my best and it paid off, because I was offered a place on the course!! YES!

RECEPTION CLASS IS BEHIND ME

Feeling: Tired
Watching: Bubzvlogz - YouTube

Not been an exciting day for me, I had a hoooorrible headache the majority of the day and, in desperation to rehydrate as fast as possible, I somehow managed to feel really sick. So I had an afternoon nap which left me feeling much better :)

My 23rd birthday

So, it's been over a month since my last post *slaps hand* so there's almost too much that's gone by that I can write about. Frankly, my memory is embarrassingly bad for my age...

I did begin writing a post on my birthday, but I guess I was too busy running around like a child dizzy on lemonade *yawn* couldn't be more different to me tonight ha! I got some lovely pressies including a pretty, white bird bath from my uncle, aunty and cousins and a Lush gift bag full of goodies from my boyfriend's mum :)

School experience

My time at the local Primary School has ended and it was the loveliest experience. I enjoyed being in Reception so much and I will miss so many of the little ones! I would actually dream occassionally of my favourite kids - ssshhhh - and it was really hard on my last day, all of them crowding around me, giving me cuddles and fighting over a turn to hold my hand in the playground!

The class teacher and teacher's assistant was so good with me and on my last day, they each gave me a card and a present - I felt terrible, I didn't give them anything! I was so chuffed :D

WILL I GET INTO TEACHER TRAINING?

Work Experience in Reception

I LOOOOOVE working in Reception! I think it's my favourite age in Early Years, they're wonderful little sparks! I have grown really attached to them. The one thing I remember from being in Reception was giving my teacher lots of cuddles and now I'm the one getting cuddles! :D

I am getting the hang of the Early Years Framework a bit more every day and I'm starting to zone in on what I'm looking for when I supervise and observe the children, so my confidence is getting higher all the time.

Postgrad Applications

I sent off my applications last week. I was sooooo stressed about it, every time I worked on my application forms I came close to tears because I've had no sense of whether it was too late or not.

In the end I applied to 2 universities: Bath Spa and Winchester. Both not tooo far from home - at least compared to the unis I looked up in the midlands -  and Bath Spa is near Tom's home which is a big bonus. I have an italian cousin who is working in the hospital there, but otherwise I won't know anyone - visits from Tom would be soo therapeutic.

There was a major disaster when it came to finally emailing Winchester my application because of technical problems, I was going crazy. Eventually it went through thankfully :)

To bring you completely up to speed, Bath Spa emailed me on Tuesday and invited me for an INTERVIEW!! EEEEEEEEKKKK!!

SLIMMING WORLD FIRST MONTH

Feeling: Driven
Listening to: You Rock My World - Michael Jackson

Slimming World: My first month

I'm on week 4 since joining Slimming World and I'm feeling good! I gained half a pound last week, but I've still lost 3 pounds since I started, so I've just got to focus on that :) also, since it's MY BIRTHDAY NEXT THURSDAY I'm determined to knock it out of the park and lose at least 2 pounds!

It's been tricky occasionally, but my group consultant is lovely, I have her number and can send her a message if I need advice or comforting :) it took me a couple of weeks to internalise the plan, what helped was making meal plans for the following week and shopping online so we only get what we need with no junk :) well, we don't like junk food really, but we love salty snacks and chocolate. Oooh I'm hungry now..

I have two slimming world cookbooks now and I've been making dinner almost every day from scratch, so it's building up my confidence in the kitchen which is great. How domesticated I am becoming!

I JOINED SLIMMING WORLD!

Feeling: Bored/hungry

Making drastic lifestyle changes means you don't think about anything else and I'm not enjoying this transitional period. Although, once it becomes second nature, I'll get bored! Figures.

Slimming World Group

I went to a group last night down the road from my house and mum came along as my moral support. I felt so nervous about going: being in a room full of strangers, talking about my weight which I'm so self-conscious about, I thought I'd get weighed in front of everybody watching. It was not like that at all! :)

It was really nice! I felt welcome as soon as I went, the ladies and members are friendly and enjoy seeing new faces coming in to the group. There were a few other newbs and our group consultant took us into another room for half an hour to talk us through the plan and how to use it.

We then joined the rest of the group and went member to member to discuss their week and if they lost weight. They are kind and willing to help each other, because everyone wants the same outcome: to be a weight they are happy and confident at. They share recipe ideas and things they do to keep moving.

The consultant is wonderfully friendly, I'm so relieved. I feel really driven to do well and I'm excited to lose weight and tell everyone in group next week! I can tell the support will feel wonderful, bring on the weight loss!

FOOD BREAK UP?

Feeling: Unsettled

I'm not handling this well at all. Food is my comfort and only now do I realise how much. I never thought I was that reliant on food, just that I enjoyed a yummy snack!

It's not like I'm hungry, but I'm pining as if food and I have broken up! Uhhh this is horrible :(

I have to go down the road today for an errand, so on the way home I'll buy some fruit that I can use as nibbles so I don't go crazy.

STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE

Feeling: Overwhelmed
Watching: RuPaul's Drag Race, Season 5

My mind feels so full of...everything. It's been a long time since my head felt so busy and manic. I've been to my church's playgroup this afternoon which, naturally, was pure chaos and completely wiped me out as it does every time. My head was freaking out way before the playgroup though.

What's in my head?!

I am a bit embarrassed about it, because I'm sure people who saw me wouldn't think this is necessary, but...oh well. I am trying to turn a new leaf in terms of healthy eating and I'm using Slimming World as my guide.

Shaky beginnings

I'm finding it really difficult, mainly because of how much I enjoy eating. The portion limits are very much 'eat to live', but there are also plenty of 'free' foods that you can eat as much of as you want. Those foods aren't exactly snacky, at least not what we consider snacks. It has only been a few days and I'm really trying to get my head around portion limits for different foods and trying to plan what I eat for the day.

If you'd like to know how to grow your own strawberries, click on the image above!

I suppose once I've internalised the most of how it works, I'll be fine. I like to plan things ahead of time and by then, I'll probably only snack on fruit! Mmmm strawberries :)

LAST SHIFT AT DAY NURSERY!

Feeling: Knackered

My final day at the day nursery todayyy *yawn* what is wrong with me, why am I so tired?! I'm getting all the sleep I think I need, if it was the weekend I'd maybe try for another hour if that, but it wouldn't be that different.

Technology

I have put together a 'Mummy Manual' to help her work the TV :) it's not that easy for people who haven't grown up with it, this technology advances quickly and I can usually pick up a remote or new phone and work my way around it in a couple of hours. For those older generations it is harder to grasp because it does change quickly, by the time they understand their way around something it gets replaced by some 2.0 version! I can understand the difficulty, but I sometimes get a little bugged.

Getting ready

Right, I need to get ready, I'm on the sofa in my dressing gown still and I need to wash my hair! Ughh it's such a faff *yawn* I think I'll do a side plait again, I love going with my hair in one because all the girls say my hair is like Elsa's!

A FULL HOUSE!

Feeling: Content

Welcome back

So, the house is complete again and so far so good :) mum and my sister came back last night in time for tea and told us all about what they got up to - poolside sunbathing by day, hotel entertainment at night - and it was nice to see them again.

I told them about my work experience, the new goldfish we bought the other day and how I've planted some seeds and they're getting taller every day :)

Feeling better

Woke up this morning feeling better - my nose is barely blocked at all, thank goodness. I hate having a blocked nose, it's the worst thing about a cold because you can't even get a good night's rest. So glad I slept well last night and no scary dreams, hoorah (I had one the night before and woke up in the night all hot and bothered)!

Today's plan?

1. Practice the piano (yeeeees there's a beautiful piece I'm trying to teach myself)

2. Complete some day nursery forms

3. Do some cross stitch (I'll probably reserve this for tonight with TV)

4. Put suitcases away (the duty of my bedroom as the attic)

5. Update my work experience log (little excel spreadsheet where I put the dates/hours etc)

6. Personal statement - okay, this is a bigger one.

I HATE THIS

Feel so run down *sniffles*

It really sucks, I've been fine! At least I lasted slightly longer than the first time round :/ I would have thought surely my immune system has me covered now, but I guess kids carry so many things that this might happen a few times more! Who knows.

It's just occurring to me now that I've almost accepted that I won't get an EYITT place for this year, it's getting so late for my application. When I have everything I will send it in the hopes of somehow beating the odds or for a referral to 2016.

MISSION GET WELL

Okay so, let's think of ways to get me out of this sniffly rut.

Buy immune boosting vitamins

Lots of water and warm drinks

Stay warm

Carry on with the day

I'm going to shower, wash my face and get dressed - still in my pyjamas spluttering on the sofa. A nice, hot shower will do me wonders I'm sure :) and I'll wrap up nice and cosy for when I head out to Boots. Thankfully, it's only a short walk to the nearest Boots, yay *sniffle*

Keeping the hot drinks coming isn't a challenge! Bring on the teeeaaa

The day will go on, I've got tasks to do around the house and I always perk up when I'm productive. That'll tackle the bleh, sluggish feeling colds bring with them.

SICK AGAIN?!

Feeling: Crap
Watching: Big Cat Diary - Season 1

I don't believe this!

I blogged about when I got sick from the day nursery before (See: OUT OF ORDER and HELLO CHEST INFECTION) and it took me around a month to eventually be back to normal 100%.

I've felt fine all week, but at the risk of being TMI my nose has been getting gradually more blocked over the weekend and last night I kept waking up *sniffles* ugh noo :(

Right, I'm going to have to be more proactive this time round, I can't be sick as long as last time. I'll go to my local Boots and get some immunity boosting things, vitamin tablets or something, I almost bought some on Saturday but I wasn't prepared to spend £7. Ha, it's not much considering what it does, but I didn't feel sick then :/

MUM AND SISTER AWAY

My mum and sister have been away on holiday together in Tenerife since Tuesday and are away for a week, so 1 last full day before they arrive back. I know how this will sound, but like I always say, all that I post on my blog is 100% how I really feel: I'm not looking forward to them getting back. Well, I'll be happy to see mum.

In charge

I've been feeling so upbeat since they left, I've been left the space to think clearly and be responsible in terms of looking after the house. I actually enjoy putting clothes on to wash, putting things on the line, you know how much I love tidying, hoovering etc. I feel my age now, but when they come back I'll be back into me grumpy teenager role.

The truth is simple

Yeah I know, why step back and let it happen. Well, the truth is simple. I don't like living in the same house with my sister. That's really what it comes down to. It's not necessarily her that's the problem, as I've said before she hasn't done anything, it is my mental state that stops us seeing eye to eye. My low self-esteem means I feel automatically undermined and outshone when she's around.

I try to explain how I feel to mum, but instead of helping her understand, I think I'm breaking her heart. Of course she wants us to skip down the road, arm in arm, she's our mum!

I am how I am

Now that I am 23 I am starting to listen to myself and won't be someone I'm not. I've got to live my life for me, but at the same time I really am trying to ease the friction in the house. The best way for me to do that is just stick to myself. My therapist said I was actually being smart by distancing myself because of the negative mood I'm in around my sister.

BACK AT THE DAY NURSERY

It's been a colourful week at the day nursery - I don't like the term 'work experience', to me it sounds like I'm back in school.

I'm starting to get a good sense of the personalities of both the children and the staff and how their strategies differ. Some are much stricter than others, some are more bold and blunt whereas others might be more gentle. I used to think that there must be a clear cut mould to fit when it comes to working with children, but really there is the core, the foundation that they all stand by, but go about it at different angles.

My confidence is growing and I generally don't have to be told the same thing twice, I'm starting to internalise how the day nursery is run and talking to the little ones isn't nerveracking at all. You might think, how could it be nerveracking to begin with, but little ones ask all kinds of questions, some are difficult to answer, some are difficult to understands because they can't say some words correctly yet and if you're just not used to being surrounded by mini humans, it can be a bit overwhelming with them all scrambling and talking over each other!

I will be there for another 4 shifts over a 2 week period, after that hopefully I will be starting in a Reception class.

BUSY FORTNIGHT

Feeling: Productive
Watching: Big Cat Diary (Series 4)

I had another period of no blogging because I've been pretty busy lately. This past week I have been spending a lot of my time back at the day nursery - YAY! - and the week before I was at Tom's in Somerset while he had his Easter break.

I'm feeling chirpy lately, probably a lot to do with the nice weather arriving! It's so nice to see blue skies, considering we're in the UK and everyone knows how we aren't blessed with nice weather generally. Last year was very nice, let's hope this Spring/Summer is nice too :)

BUGGED

Feeling: Irritable
Watching: Criminal Minds

Annoyed at everything

I don't want to do anything today, I feel annoyed by almost everything. Oh god, I hate it when these days come along, I get nothing done and I hurt everyone. My therapist used to say (I don't see her anymore) that you can counter that feeling, no matter how overwhelming, by just doing something you know you enjoy without thinking about it.

There's no logic

Many people, I'm sure, don't understand the situation of having to force yourself to do something enjoyable rather than sinking into that hopelessness. That probably doesn't sound like a struggle, but mental illness isn't logical. In the past, people have tried to reason with me, as if it'll click something into place and I'll be back to being me. I wish.

What did I used to be like?

I've tried to remember what I was like before my depression, but it is getting harder and harder to visualise as time goes by. What I do remember is.... I think I was bubbly, pretty talkative, an extrovert, people thought I was funny. I was bright during the time of my GCSEs, a quick thinker in most subjects and I enjoyed studying then.

I loved dance so much, all kinds of dance. I would watch ballets and smile dreamily at the romanticism of it all, listen to music and picture me doing a contemporary routine to it in an empty dance studio. I still do that when I listen to music.

*closed my eyes and listened to the seagulls and songbirds outside*

* * * * *

I've gotten better after talking to my mum on the phone a couple of times and nudging towards doing some cross stitch. I haven't done that much, but I am really proud of myself for not lying on my bed all day :)

The highlight of my day was having a lovely time with my neighbour's cat - she's adorable, she's gotten used to me now and actually follows me around which is so cute! When she's happy, she purrs like an engine :D

MOOD SHUT DOWN

Feeling: Low
Watching: Great Canal Journeys (on iPlayer)

I don't really know what happened this afternoon. I got things done this morning which were important, but then I just kind of... lost it.

It was like I'd been struck and my happy mood spilled out and I was left hollow, lying on the sofa, staring lifelessly at the tv. I felt numb, nothing happened, I just snapped.

Anyway, with a full tummy and a nice TV programme, I feel slightly better but I'm still a bit pissed..... at nothing.

Still, my highlight of the day was getting one step closer to working at a nearby primary school - I have to be patient to wait for forms to come through, but I'm excited nonetheless :)

FUN EASTER THINGS FOR LITTLE ONES

Are you doing anything this Easter? Try some of these!

1. Stage a chocolate egg treasure hunt.
2. Colour some craft foam eggs.
3. Painting.
4. Make a bunny mask.
5. Nibble on carrot sticks (worth a try)
6. Easter dress up
7. Go on a nature walk
8. Give nature a home
9. Make some rice krispies bird nests

MOTHER'S DAY PREP

Feeling: Sloppy
Listening to: BBC Radio 2

Right, today is choc-a-block with plans and hopefully everything will go smoothly. I am baking a gorgeous lemon and orange custard tart for Mother's Day tomorrow and I have to make it today because it needs 7 hours to chill! At least that won't catch me by surprise like the first time I made it! I swear, I wanted to cry.

Then I have the joyous task of hair removal for the afternoon *sigh* maybe that's TMI, but hey, it's my blog xD it takes me forever and a half to do, so when it's on the list I assign almost a day for it!

Onward and upward, let's get on with it. Oh, and I haven't taken my meds today yet, better get onto that or I'll be in the worst mood and snap at everyone.

WORK IT!

Feeling: Run down, but motivated

Today I am really going to get on top of this postgrad stuff. I have almost finished one application form and will do another straight after. I need to make a clear checklist of the evidence I need to send with my forms like photocopies of qualifications, ID, things like that.

So far, I'm feeling good! Hopefully I can start writing my personal statement as well, even bullet points would be a start. I'm definitely one of those people who struggles most when a blank sheet is staring back at you.

Stare back.

Write date and name in the header.

'Right, time for a cup of tea.'

If you remember, I have that chat at the primary school around the corner this afternoon. GUUUUHH! It's 5 hours away, so why do I feel like I have no time to do anything?

SOFABOUND

Feeling: Phlegmy
Watching: RuPaul's Drag Race

Getting there *sniffles* uugh. A repeat of yesterday, but definitely one step closer to getting better. I'd better not be coughing and spluttering my way through my chat tomorrow at the school :/

Right, onto my teacher training application...

* * * * *

Okay good, I've contacted every course provider I am interested in on entry requirements - because I have an ordinary degree rather than an honours - so I'm really chuffed with myself! It's a crucial move I had to make to be sure where I would stand a chance of getting into. It might seem obvious to do that, but I might have just applied which wouldn't have been smart.

GETTING BETTER!

Feeling: On the slow mend
Watching: Hello, Dolly!

I love this film so much :) it just fills me with happiness and I feel so much healthier watching the dance numbers.

Pretty sure I'll be almost back to normal by Friday afternoon (when I have my Primary School interview). I need to email my day nursery to rearrange my experience dates/times, then just focus on getting better.

Lots of tea, Pyjamas. Nibbles. Cross stitch.

Let's get me back on track.

HELLO CHEST INFECTION

Feeling: So rubbish
Watching: AprilJustinTV

Cup of tea. Check.

Mum's floofy dressing gown. Check.

TV remote: Check.

Netflix. Check (as of yesterday, exciting!)

I rang the nursery so, of course, not able to go in. I am going to have to ring them to arrange different dates in a few weeks to continue my work experience later, once I'm back to normal.

Bath trip

Will I feel well enough? I don't knoooow. If I do, I'll make sure to wrap up with scarves and layers, which is the easy part. We wouldn't leave until mid afternoon, so I have time to watch some tv and just rest on the sofa before deciding.

Dad's tone

Since dad will be driving me, the worry is holding onto my nerves. The thing with my papi is the way he communicates can be very aggravating, he's got an accusing tone of voice all the time. In Italy, all conversation is pretty aggressive sounding, but it's normal, so in the UK, he sounds angry nearly all the time! He just doesn't hear it, but it aggravates the rest of us, because he is probably just making an observation or giving advice, but it sounds very...stabby.

Ooooh I just remembered I have a thick slice of cake waiting for me....

OUT OF ORDER

Feeling: Rubbish
Watching: Supervet (on 4od)

NO MORE NURSERY?

I've been under the weather since Friday and sadly I've had to stay away from the day nursery. On Friday, I only had a sore throat, but my voice has almost completely gone now and I think a chest infection is developing.

This is nerve-racking, at first I was getting upset because I was panicking about making a good impression at the day nursery. Due to my qualifications, my work experience is my golden ticket to get into teacher training and I need a sparkling reference.

Of course, I've told the nursery I will stay longer to make up for the days I'm off sick, although I was intending to extend my work experience there anyway.

Hopefully I will have built up my classroom immunity by the time I (maybe) start in Reception!

Big trip cancelled?

Tomorrow is supposed to be an important day, because there's an information evening for my No.1 teaching course option and it would have meant a bit of a drive there, a 2 hour talk, then a drive home. Plus, my dad would be driving and I don't know how calm I would stay! I am thinking I won't be well enough to go back to the nursery in the morning, but I was still intending to go to the info evening. My mum doesn't think it's a good idea though :/ I guess we'll just see how I feel in the morning.

My highlight of the day was having a nice, little chat with my guy and having my neighbour's cat curl up on my lap and purr purr purr away after I fed her dinner :D

PRIMARY SCHOOL EXPERIENCE?

EEEEEE!

I might have got into a local primary school - literally a 5 minute walk - for some work experience in Reception! YAAAYYY!

It isn't time to celebrate yet, I haven't definitely got it yet. I am meeting up with the Reception teacher next Friday after school's over for a chat - I hope I make a good impression. I got in touch with another primary school and if I don't hear from them soon, I will continue at the day nursery. Then hopefully (if I can manage it) I will spend Mon-Weds in Reception and Thurs-Fri at the day nursery :)

So the highlight of my day was getting further into my postgraduate ucas application and that I plucked up the nerve to ring a couple of local primary schools. I'm so pleased that I got a response at all!

Younger or smaller?

I'm sick of all this crap! I have to get out of this house - as in move out. Going for a little 10 minute walk isn't going to do anything, I'll only feel like this again in the future.

I am going to be as brutally honest as I like, because I can and I need to get this out of my system. I wish I didn't have a sister. I carry a pot of resentment around with me towards her because I have always had an overwhelming feeling of she is no.1 and I am no.2 and that's just because I'm the secondborn. Nothing can be done about that, so I will always have this anger in my chest.

The truth is I am really happy around just my parents, I feel considered and present and part of the family, but when my sister walks in she automatically fills in the perfect, mature daughter role and there isn't room for me :'( maybe the cause of all of this is low self-esteem in myself, but it's grown over the years. My irritability starts to heat up and comes out in spikes, which doesn't make me feel better and actually makes me look even more childish.

They don't need me, she has all the daughter qualities, whereas I'm just a jagged crack in the family portrait. They of course deny it, but I continue to feel the same way.When she isn't around I feel like I have the opportunity to show what I can do, that I can be responsible and caring and things, but she comes in and I automatically back away into the shadows. My therapist asked why I back away. It's quite a dramatic, explosive house and if I tried like I do when she's away, we'd both be fighting over the same spot.

I want to be number 1 for my parents sometimes, but it doesn't happen because no matter what I do, my sister has done more because she is five years older. It should be just a matter-of-fact thing, and being a younger sibling probably doesn't bother most people, but for some reason it holds a lot of horrible emotions for me. Maybe I confuse the word 'younger' for 'smaller'.

*sniffles* maybe I've erupted because I've had a hectic week in a new, crazy environment and I need rest.

NO DAY NURSERY: DAY 5 / RUN DOWN

Feeling: Okay

Don't feel well

I've got horrible aching in my lower jaw right at the back, ow :( I'll try to find some gel or something to try to numb the area before I go to the day nursery. Ooooowwwww! I'm not feeling too well anyway. I'll see how I feel in a little bit and if I don't feel much better, I'll call the nursery.

Change of plans

I decided not to worry about looking at places during Easter, it's too early, especially considering I haven't even sent my application yet, let alone got a response from anywhere yet.

* * * * *

So run dooown today, I don't think going out today is a good idea. I'll ring the nursery and then plan a productive day inside, so I'll take it easier but still use the day wisely. Let's see what I can get done today:

Shower/Get dressed

Book easter train to boyfriend's (yay!)

Complete day nursery forms

Major tidy up
Work on cross stitch pieces

Any in terms of my Postgraduate application, I have to:

Start my personal statement

Add work experience on UCAS Teacher Training application

Organise references

Log work experience completed

Ring local Primary schools for more work experience

I think that's enough *yawn* time for a chocolate digestive...

#WORLDBOOKDAY!

Are you dressing up today? YOU SHOULD!

Dress up as a characters from a book you love, it's easy! Okay so, really the fun is all for the kids, but who stick to the rules!!

Here's some inspirational photos for you!

DAY NURSERY: DAY 4! PRESCHOOL / KITTYSITTING

Feeling: Irritable

Looking forward to going this afteroon. My sister has been away for a couple of days for work and now that she's back, I've coiled back into my shadow, trying to avoid her. To be fair, I am being sensible trying to stay away from people who don't make me feel good, it just so happens that we're related.

At least it's motivation to get the day going. I've got to wash my hair and get ready this morning, so I'll hop away in a second. Oh, more forms to fill in too :P

KITTY LOVE!

My neighbours are going on holiday for a couple of weeks and I'm going to be taking care of their cat for them! She's so gorgeous, she's black with white socks, but I've only ever seen her as a total fraidy cat.

Sadly, she gets tormented by this other really fluffy girl and they get into territory scraps whenever the fluffy one sees her which is horrible but it's just how cats are isn't it!

Apparently she's totally different in the house and she likes cuddles, so I think in the evenings after feeding her, I'll cuddle with her in front of their TV. I asked if I could do that and they are so nice, they've even given me some money as a thank you for looking after her, she's their baby :) so cute.

I just hope she warms to me after a while.

* * * * *

Naturally, I am so totally knackered. It's definitely a solution to insomnia, I tell you! We're going to have one of my favourite meals tonight: cheese and onion. It's in like a mashed up form and you put it in bread and butter, it's sooooo good.

Glittery dress up

My afternoon was fun, I really enjoyed it but I'm nervous now about my chances of getting into a course. I'll still try :) today we made some mother's day cards with paint and glitter - tons of glitter - we played games outside, I told some stories from books that the kids brought in - since it's World Book Day - and they were so excited! They were all dressed up too! We had some Elsas, a lion (cub), some spidermen, superman, other princesses, they all looked so sweet. Of course, they were in and out of their outfits throughout the afternoon...

A cold accent?

A lady who works in the Pre-school part, I'm not sure where she's from, but she's eastern european I think and reminds me of a boss I had years ago. She was horrible and I just hear a coldness in the accent now. That probably sounds ignorant. She is nice and really great with the little ones, but something about the accent, I don't know. Maybe it's just me, I'm putting my old bosses voice into someone else's :/

The highlight of my day is being comfortable enough with the kids to improvise and teach them about different animals around the world. I felt really proud to pass on fun facts and get them interested in animals :)

My hands smell of chalk uuhh..