BUGGED

Feeling: Irritable
Watching: Criminal Minds

Annoyed at everything

I don't want to do anything today, I feel annoyed by almost everything. Oh god, I hate it when these days come along, I get nothing done and I hurt everyone. My therapist used to say (I don't see her anymore) that you can counter that feeling, no matter how overwhelming, by just doing something you know you enjoy without thinking about it.

There's no logic

Many people, I'm sure, don't understand the situation of having to force yourself to do something enjoyable rather than sinking into that hopelessness. That probably doesn't sound like a struggle, but mental illness isn't logical. In the past, people have tried to reason with me, as if it'll click something into place and I'll be back to being me. I wish.

What did I used to be like?

I've tried to remember what I was like before my depression, but it is getting harder and harder to visualise as time goes by. What I do remember is.... I think I was bubbly, pretty talkative, an extrovert, people thought I was funny. I was bright during the time of my GCSEs, a quick thinker in most subjects and I enjoyed studying then.

I loved dance so much, all kinds of dance. I would watch ballets and smile dreamily at the romanticism of it all, listen to music and picture me doing a contemporary routine to it in an empty dance studio. I still do that when I listen to music.

*closed my eyes and listened to the seagulls and songbirds outside*

* * * * *

I've gotten better after talking to my mum on the phone a couple of times and nudging towards doing some cross stitch. I haven't done that much, but I am really proud of myself for not lying on my bed all day :)

The highlight of my day was having a lovely time with my neighbour's cat - she's adorable, she's gotten used to me now and actually follows me around which is so cute! When she's happy, she purrs like an engine :D