Younger or smaller?

I'm sick of all this crap! I have to get out of this house - as in move out. Going for a little 10 minute walk isn't going to do anything, I'll only feel like this again in the future.

I am going to be as brutally honest as I like, because I can and I need to get this out of my system. I wish I didn't have a sister. I carry a pot of resentment around with me towards her because I have always had an overwhelming feeling of she is no.1 and I am no.2 and that's just because I'm the secondborn. Nothing can be done about that, so I will always have this anger in my chest.

The truth is I am really happy around just my parents, I feel considered and present and part of the family, but when my sister walks in she automatically fills in the perfect, mature daughter role and there isn't room for me :'( maybe the cause of all of this is low self-esteem in myself, but it's grown over the years. My irritability starts to heat up and comes out in spikes, which doesn't make me feel better and actually makes me look even more childish.

They don't need me, she has all the daughter qualities, whereas I'm just a jagged crack in the family portrait. They of course deny it, but I continue to feel the same way.When she isn't around I feel like I have the opportunity to show what I can do, that I can be responsible and caring and things, but she comes in and I automatically back away into the shadows. My therapist asked why I back away. It's quite a dramatic, explosive house and if I tried like I do when she's away, we'd both be fighting over the same spot.

I want to be number 1 for my parents sometimes, but it doesn't happen because no matter what I do, my sister has done more because she is five years older. It should be just a matter-of-fact thing, and being a younger sibling probably doesn't bother most people, but for some reason it holds a lot of horrible emotions for me. Maybe I confuse the word 'younger' for 'smaller'.

*sniffles* maybe I've erupted because I've had a hectic week in a new, crazy environment and I need rest.