Such a low day

Mood: Very depressed

I am done with life today. I feel so hopeless with my exams and if I fail, my family will be disappointed and I’ll be the runt of the family. I might apply to work in a supermarket now, save them the wait for exam results :/ at least then I’ll have some income and I can help my family financially here and there.

My dream is so out of reach, so many darn obstacles and things to think about, I come up to a dead end every time I think of possible pathways and today I feel it is no use. I will probably work behind a till or something, not a waggy tail in sight. My life feels very hollow right now, I don’t see the point anymore :’(

I was feeling alright this morning and then after my late breakfast dad suggested doing some revision so I trotted off upstairs and gave it a go. I managed to do some, but the longer I had it in front of me, the less and less confident I felt about what was going in…..  at least I would have been if I felt confident in the first place. I suppose a big part of the problem is that not at any point have I felt able to do this, I began the year thinking it wouldn’t end well, I was even anticipating failing my third year during the previous academic year!

Sadly the more I worry, the more difficult it is to study, the more defeated I feel, the more I worry.

It is difficult to get into your dream job no matter what it is nowadays and I’m just not up for the fight. I have no confidence in myself and I am far too honest to go into an interview and claim to be able to do all that they ask with my hands tied behind my back. Mum has time to time shown me job openings and I take one look at the description and just think there’s no way I could do that.

If you have no self esteem, how on earth are you supposed to get a job and keep yourself going?!

I am freaking out so much about not being very employable. I want to just curl up on the sofa and cry. I don’t care what people say about ‘growing up’ and ‘acting your age’, I would have my favourite cuddly toy for comfort.