Myth Monday #2: A character flaw?

IT'S MYTH MONDAY!

Today's myth:

People who are depressed just aren't trying hard enough to snap out of it, it's all down to a weakness of character.

Well, well, well. If I catch anyone near me claiming this one, it will take all my strength to stop me from ranting at them. Of course this is false. What a horrible thing to say as well, it largely seems to be down to ignorance this one but then, that is just my personal frustration, some people simply need some education :)

Depression has nothing at all to do with being lazy or weak in any way (though many sufferers will think that of themselves with no self-esteem....including me). It is to do with a change in their brain chemistry and function. Biological, psychological and social factors are all what contribute and events such as the loss of a loved one for example can greatly affect someone's mental health.

This post's information was from Promote Acceptance and About.com.

Busy Times

I won't be posting as regularly as I usually do for the next 3 weeks!

My boyfriend has been with me for about a week and we will be together for another 3, so my blog posts will not be very frequent in this time I'm afraid - doing my best to be as couply and normal as possible!

Myth Monday #1: Youngens and Mental Health

IT'S MYTH MONDAY!

Mondays will occasionally be dedicated to figuring out whether myths or rumours about mental illness are true or false. I will research around the web and come to a conclusion about the myth and explain to you what I have learnt. So let's bust some myths together! The first myth I've found to look into is:

Children do not experience mental health problems.

1 in 10
Everywhere I have looked has given me the same answer: this is false false false! Here are some facts that people need to know when making this assumption. Around 1 in 10 children and young people are affected by mental health problems such as depression and anxiety, very different from how things were 30 years ago.

Events
The changes that youngens go through are thoroughly important and certain situations or events can subsequently show warning signs. For example, the loss of a loved one, severe bullying or abuse, discrimination or having a parent who has mental health problems.

3/4 of mental health disorders begin before the age of 24, some start showing first signs before 14. Less than 20% of youngens receive the appropriate treatment sadly but with a loving environment they can be helped before things worsen.

I found today's information from Mentalhealth.gov and Mental Health Foundation

Parents leaving, boyfriend arriving

Mood: Happy

Feeling good today, had a better sleep and took my meds promptly this morning so it should be a more stable day. Just came from the neighbour's to give her dog some Jess love after they arrived back from a walk. SHE'S SO FLUFFYYYY!

The parents are all ready to go, the taxi will be here for them any minute actually - probably not the best time of the day to be blogging. A surprisingly calm morning considering the flight is today! Right...now I have 2.5 hours before le boyfriend gets here. What to do, what to do!

Cutely dressed: check!

Makeup all nice: check! (haven't worn makeup properly for at least a month)

House tidy: NO

I'm going to make the garden ready for company with the table and chairs and clean up and organise (you know it is what I do best!). Whenever my boyfriend is coming over, I always super girlify myself. It's a fun process and I get excited at the thought of seeing him again :) he puts me in such a good place, how could I not be excited?

Super busy saturday

Mood: Meehhh

First off, I want to thank all of you who have added me to your Google+ circles, I really appreciate it!

T'will be a busy day in the household as the parents are set to go on holiday tomorrow - well, they're going to a wedding mainly, but why not turn it into a holiday too?! - so today is *deep breath*

Pack-and-make-sure-we-have-everything-and-some-lunch-made-for-the-flights-plus-don't-forget-the-passports-and-boarding-passes Day!

I am going to have some luncheons soon, I've just finished waxing. TMI? Oooh sugar muffin, I haven't taken my meds today yet and it's the afternoon! Huh that's funny, I feel okay though. Better than yesterday anyway :) I'm glad I'm not going anywhere this year actually.


Thankfully my mood has turned around today, the past couple of nights I've had nightmares and it is making me feel terrible - I can't relax when I'm asleep lately, I'm waking up all through the night which I haven't done for years :( pretty upsetting.

Don't make things harder for yourself

Mood: Content

In my usual place as ever this morning: cup of tea, on the sofa in my nightie with my animal rescue friends. So, to keep myself up and running today, I have a number of things to get on with. Often the best thing to do to keep moving is simply refusing yourself the option to curl up and ignore the world. Every part of you is pulling in that direction, but if you do things without putting too much thought into it, then you will soldier on without even realising.

Help make it easier for yourself.

Be your strongest support.

Mid-afternoon break watching Joseph's Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat through youtube - the video version with Donny Osmond! Have you seen that version? I had it on all the time when I was little and it is still a winner!

If the present is getting too much for me, I tend to turn to something that holds many memories. That or a good book.

GP appointment

Todays to dos:

• Credit card application *yawn*
• Send volunteer application to animal rescue
• Revise
• Repot one of mum's garden plants

Today is looking pretty short, considering I got up at midday and it is now getting to late afternoon and all I have done is complete a jigsaw - which I consider an achievement.

Frankly, just getting out of bed is a good sign.

Ooh I almost forgot, the visit to the GP yesterday morning went well. He was nice and friendly and a big worry for me is that a GP will think it is all an act and refuse to give any help or anything, but of course he really listened to what I had to say, wrote down the name of the local counselling service and gave me a new prescription. I explained my upcoming, final year exams and my thoughts of increasing dosage.

He was happy to increase my medication, though he only gave a month's worth, but I can understand that. All my health records won't transfer over completely until after even my next appointment! Since he doesn't know me, he was very much going off my judgement and assured me that increasing my dosage (from 20 mg to 40mg) is still not high, so there is nothing to be concerned about there.

Hands up 40mg friends!

This may sound silly, but I was a little anxious of seeing a male GP. It has nothing to do with the gender, it is simply because I have only ever seen female GPs about my mental health and they have always been very understanding and compassionate. I simply wasn't sure if a male GP would be more stern or something - I know this is just nervous thinking and I have nothing against male GPs.

Before my previous GP, I had only seen one other GP for a single visit. Apart from that, I saw the same GP for all of last year, so talking to someone new and having to explain from the beginning pretty much was a bit nerveracking. I think I handled it very well though, so I am pleased :)

A successful day

Mood: Alright

Yesterday went really well :) the afternoon was dedicated to making mum's birthday cake and went without a hitch! Mum really liked the cake and has taken a couple of slices to work for her colleagues. I did take a pic of it so I'll pop that up soon.

Chocolate Orange Marble Cake mmmmm

I'm breathing pretty heavily in my little nightie on the sofa - it is pretty darn hot today. Watching the red and blue dragonflies around our garden pond is nice and relaxing. Part of the reason I'm relaxed is that I have only been awake for 3 hours...

12 hours sleep, oh yes

Anyway back to yesterday - after mum got back from work I gave her her card and presents from dad and I, then dinner and off to the theatre! There is a lovely little theatre we like to go to called The Tivoli Theatre - it is fairly old now and run mainly by volunteers. We saw a comedy musical called Crazy For You! that's set in the 30s. Nice costumes and good performances, very funny and well put together.

There's no business like show business!

Too many people!

Mood: Unsettled

Felt good when I woke up this morning, but after having some breakfast I got this splitting headache. It extinguished my happy mood and I lay curled up on the sofa watching tv. Not a happy bunny. I've felt weak all day too. Not a 10/10 for my body and my mind wasn't that much better.

This afternoon I went out food shopping with dad, with a couple other errands along the way. Food shopping wasn't good at all at first, my dad had gone to the clothes section for something and I started the food shop on my own. People everywhere, so much noise, eyes looking at you, trolleys shoving you out the way, sensory overload. I felt vulnerable. Like a small fish lost in a biiiiiiiig ocean.

Surely that environment would stress anyone out!

Mum just happened to ring me and I said how I felt - I could hear the 'What's the matter with you, for goodness sake!' tone which made me feel stupid and silly as well, a welcome addition! After finding dad again, I was soon feeling normal again and we got back home about 10 minutes or so ago. Now that I'm on my sofa, with noone buzzing around I am much calmer, but still sad about how mum sounded on the phone.

One of the most upsetting things a loved one can do is respond as if your behaviour in a situation is silly or ridiculous, you will only feel worse. The tough love, get over it style is damaging, I believe.

The behaviour of those around a sufferer is just as important, if not more.

Prepaaared!

Mood: Up, up, up!

As happy and bouncy as Pinkie Pie!

This afternooon was put to good use - in stark contrast to yesterday - and I am now ready and raring to go for mum's birthdayyy! A couple of hours in town and a devised plan meant I got mum's presents and am very happy with them! I am mad about pretty, decorative storage boxes, so (since my mum won't see my this) I bought her a gorgeous box and some smaller preessies to put in like a little hamper! Oh wait.... the cake aargh! I haven't even chosen one yet! Okay it's fine I still have time, I will look through some dessert cookbooks and find one, then I'll just check for ingredients tomorrow :| since mum still has to go into work on Wednesday, I will make the cake on the day - it will taste even nicer then too!

Who doesn't like cake!

Okay, maybe a little Birthday list will do the trick and get my mind in order:

Presents: check!

Are they wrapped? Yep!

Card: check!

Written in it yet? Will do in a minute

Cake ingredients: uummm...

Anything else I currently can't remember: eerrrr...

Fusion of anger and depression

I felt like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

I didn't go out this afternoon. I didn't see the fete or dog show. What I did instead was lay in my bed all afternoon in silence. For hours I tossed and turned, fuming as if I was angry at something invisible. If you asked me what I was angry about I wouldn't be able to say. It is a strong reminder of how I used to be as a young teenager - serious anger problems.

I was this constant raging volcano, as if my anger was as strong as the sun is hot.

Thankfully those times have passed, but this depression.... this afternoon was the first time (as far as I can recall) that I somehow fused a deep, depressed feeling with fierce anger. An odd combination - I kept switching between wanting to cry and wanting to hit something. I know all people get angry and sad at the same time when they are emotional, but on this occasion each emotion felt much stronger than I have experienced before.

It may be to do with the fact that I couldn't go to the fete with my dad and, despite my mum offering to join me, I knew it isn't for her and it would stop me enjoying it. Maybe it caused a domino effect? I found myself in my room perched on the edge of my bed, I think to myself that curling up into bed sounds appealing. Next thing I know, I am boiling under my 13.5 TOG (the thickest, warmest possible you can get) duvet on a 20C day and refusing to move, as if it would be like admitting defeat. Everything was irritating me (like it used to years ago) I wanted to yell at my window to shut a barking dog up and stop the birds singing - not like me at all - any noise made me want to wreck something.

After joining family, things slowly looked up and it passed.

It's Father's Day!

Mood: Okay

I woke up really early this morning and got up before anyone else in the house, doing a jigsaw and waiting for company. Now I have company and mum has somehow pulled a muscle in her back so I am looking after her a bit. With Market Kitchen on tv, she is distracted from the discomfort.

Tea is always necessary

This afternoon should be lovely!

This is where I will be this afternoon :D there are some adorable dog shows and displays on all the time like 'Cutest Puppy', 'Waggiest Tail', 'Golden Oldie' and 'Fastest Sausage Eater'!! So cute :D I was hoping it would be a nice father's day afternoon, but dad is working sadly :/

Are you doing anything this Father's Day?

Over 3000 views!

Mood: Happy bunny

I am very happy with how many views I've got in a few months :)

Thank you to anyone who has read my posts or kept up with me over time :D

Of course, you know that I began my blog as a sort of self-help therapy, to clear my head. Like a detox and it has certainly been helping. I originally just wrote whenever I felt my mind was cluttering up (that just happened to be pretty frequent), so it wasn't long before I was blogging every day. I remember one of the early days I posted 5 times in one day!

I do hope I can make even one person smile when they read my blog. I have sculpted it slowly so it is a positive little space where sufferers of similar mental health problems can have a giggle and some relief, even for a few minutes.

A moment of laughter can improve your outlook on life

Feeling very positive myself today :) I am certainly a happy bunny! Today in terms of what I'm up to, I have a little list - as I always do - of to dos:

• Charity shop donation
• Bleach fun times (eehhh)
• Present shopping!

It should be a nice, active day. You know, I'm actually surprised I am in a good mood today, my dream was horrible. I dreamt I had gone back to secondary school with same friends I had then, but the age we are now, and I was getting bullied by everyone: my friends, the it girls, even little girls much younger than me! I was wondering about the school grounds alone with my fluffy blue bed throw, looking for a safe cubby hole to curl up in, away from everyone, but I couldn't find anywhere. Nasty dream :(

The weather did its best to cheer me up and this morning, it worked! The day has an exciting end with Italy's first match in the World Cup - the only football I have any interest in - and against England! Pfff ITALIAAAA WOOOO!!

Mission birthday

Mood: Okay

I went to sleep much more peacfeully because I kept my window open slightly. Hearing all the outside noises like birds and passing cars redirected my focus. A promising thought and cooling what with the current weather, so I'll be doing that every night now :)

I am very relieved that I went to the doctors yesterday, I've been worrying an awful lot about my meds.

A weight off my mind aahhh

I am by no means rushing to get dressed today, I've already promised dad I'll do some revision *wimpers* it's not the revision itself as much as the emotions that start to run high. I will give it a go, I'm trying to make my revision more enjoyable and childlike with colouring in and things. I don't feel too bad at the moment, so we'll see :)

My mum's birthday is coming up next week, so I have to come up with something special for her :) dad and I might team up with a nice, larger present maybe. While my mum is in London until late tomorrow (courtesy of my sister's birthday treat) so tomorrow is Mission Birthday! I love present shopping for people, it's so fun :D

PRESENTS!!

Oooh I'll have to make a cake as well, I love baking!!

Heatwave!!

Heatwave time!!

I am melting ughhh. If you're from the UK, you will know what our weather is generally like, so I am sure I am not alone when I say I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!




Where I am it is 22 degrees C today. I am falling asleep on the sofa and if you read my previous post, yes I went to the doctors and yes I managed to make an appointment (for Wenesday, the day I finish them!), it is in the morning though, so I will get the prescription and cash it out the same day.

I was reading some Shakespeare earlier during a luke warm bath. My favourite of his works is Much Ado About Nothing, I have loved it ever since studying it in English in secondary school! I have the film version on DVD which is great.

Doctor's surgery

Mood: Determined

Right, today I am walking down to my doctor's surgery - I need to confirm my details bla bla bla with ID proof bla bla before I can do anything. I'm just nervous that I can't be seen before I run out :/ and even if I can be seen, I will then have to find the courage to explain at least briefly to a new GP my difficulties. This isn't a fun process. If all goes exactly as planned they will give me one prescription slip for four months worth and by that point I will probably make another appointment just to fully understand how to wind off the meds.

I have been reassuring my family that once my exams are over with, I will start to wind off the meds but it is a silly thing to say, because I can't predict how my mental state will be at that time - I might not be ready! My enhanced enabler always has her medication, she just can't deal without it.

All I can do is try to be positive.

I have enquired into being a puppy socialiser for a local organisation called Woofability. The role would be very similar to being a puppy walker for Guide Dogs, but you have a dog for 3 weeks at a time to maximise their experiences with new environments.

What an exciting thought! I'm not going to get my hopes up like I did with Guide Dogs, but I know that they work in my area and I have actually seen a woofability dog in training round the corner from my house :D

Mum said we'll give it a go. It is hard when your parents can't empathise with your dreams. Unfortunately while I am living at home, if I want to gain any experience the only thing it seems I can do is have dogs at home and mum isn't an animal person at all. She is willing to do this for me though, which is great. We will see if this goes anywhere.

PTSD surge

Whenever I come home after a long while I away, it usually takes me about 1 - 2 weeks to be able to go to sleep peacefully. Then it gradually starts to settle in - 'it'.

I am shattered, I can't stop yawning and my eyes are watering like Niagara Falls, but I won't sleep for a while yet. On nights where I am perfectly comfortable with no worries, I can sleep from around 10pm for about 11 hours (if I have the time!), so it is a drastic difference to when it starts to get difficult and I am awake later and later because:

the more time I spend at home =

the more nights in my room in the dark =

the more opportunity for my mind to start toying with me =

the higher the anxiety gets.

Panic attacks thankfully aren't a common occurence any more, but then it has been almost a decade since the event and it was perhaps around a year or so ago (?) that the panic attacks really calmed down. It will have been after my exposure therapy, very nasty but effective. Probably what people who have gone through EMDR would say :/ And since then I have only had a few, my last true true one probably being arooouuund christmas, I'm not sure. I don't make note of them!

Even still, I now get what I call 'semis' - says it all really, it personally feels part way there, like a panic attack is coming on but I manage to nip it in the bud before it escalates any further. I do have more control now, though I don't exactly feel empowered. I have always felt as if my flashbacks and panics and all the rest of it are evidence of a poison in my brain. The best way to show what I mean is like this:

Fairtrade Talk

Mood: Nervous

Not feeling too fabulous today. Had a better night sleep, but woke up remembering I have to go out this afternoon. I am meeting my mum at the university for a talk on Fair Trade which could prove useful for one of my exams, so I will take my dictaphone with me to audio record it.

Knowing I have to go out instantly gets me nervous and to get there it it around 20-30 minute walk. Thankfully it is a familiar route which helps, but I would still take any option to get out of going. Having said that, mum is going to it with me so I owe it to mum to show up and I just have to remember the information could be handy. I'll be really irritated if I forget my dictaphone so I'll put it in my bag now actually...

All scrubbed up and dressed for a summer's day and feeling better now. Being squeaky clean and smelling of peaches is always a lift. Mmmmm peaches! God bless The Body Shop for their Vineyard Peach range :D

Such a low day

Mood: Very depressed

I am done with life today. I feel so hopeless with my exams and if I fail, my family will be disappointed and I’ll be the runt of the family. I might apply to work in a supermarket now, save them the wait for exam results :/ at least then I’ll have some income and I can help my family financially here and there.

My dream is so out of reach, so many darn obstacles and things to think about, I come up to a dead end every time I think of possible pathways and today I feel it is no use. I will probably work behind a till or something, not a waggy tail in sight. My life feels very hollow right now, I don’t see the point anymore :’(

I was feeling alright this morning and then after my late breakfast dad suggested doing some revision so I trotted off upstairs and gave it a go. I managed to do some, but the longer I had it in front of me, the less and less confident I felt about what was going in…..  at least I would have been if I felt confident in the first place. I suppose a big part of the problem is that not at any point have I felt able to do this, I began the year thinking it wouldn’t end well, I was even anticipating failing my third year during the previous academic year!

Sadly the more I worry, the more difficult it is to study, the more defeated I feel, the more I worry.

It is difficult to get into your dream job no matter what it is nowadays and I’m just not up for the fight. I have no confidence in myself and I am far too honest to go into an interview and claim to be able to do all that they ask with my hands tied behind my back. Mum has time to time shown me job openings and I take one look at the description and just think there’s no way I could do that.

If you have no self esteem, how on earth are you supposed to get a job and keep yourself going?!

I am freaking out so much about not being very employable. I want to just curl up on the sofa and cry. I don’t care what people say about ‘growing up’ and ‘acting your age’, I would have my favourite cuddly toy for comfort.

Hot weather + company = happiness?

Mood: So-so

Felt okay straight after getting up, but things very quickly went downhill. All of a sudden didn’t want to go out to do any little errands or anything, I felt so miserable. Once again a gorgeous day, but the warm weather was having no positive effect this morning. Maybe I need hot weather + company.

Hot weather + company = happiness?

It is almost 5pm now and I am so tired. After some breakfast I did will myself to go out because mum had asked me to get a couple of things. I also really need to go down to my doctor’s surgery but it’s too long a walk for me, my hips would certainly play up and make it very painful :/

My hips have been a problem from an early age, it always felt like bone grinding against bone, but the pain comes and goes so I haven’t had physio for it or anything. Maybe that day will come, but not yet.

Since I couldn’t get a lift from a parent, I opted out of that trip and instead did my mum’s errands down the road which was fine (part of which involved going to Superdrug, so I lounged about the makeup products for a good while, almost falling for deals then talking myself out of it like I always do!)

My thinner, summer clothes are also very bright and bold colours and my mood didn’t like the sound of that. Still, I forced myself out in bright teal palazzo trousers and a dark purple greek-style top. I felt sooo uncomfortable for a while, I took a white cardi in case I wanted to hide from prying eyes, but it was so hot and people weren’t looking at me! I gradually felt fine and nipping to the shops actually cheered me up J

I have enough meds to last another 10 days I think before I run out and I’m starting to feel on edge. Running out now could be pretty damaging, especially since things are looking up with family and everything. The thought that I might lash out or be irritable with anyone frightens me – I don’t want to go backwards! I’m doing my best to keep those worries at bay and remain hopeful that I can see a GP, get a prescription and cash it out before then…… mmmm.

Internet desertion

Apologies for nothing new lately, the internet had deserted me, but we have made friends again. I wrote posts like I normally do and I will post them now!

Mood: Relaxed

Amazing – I am at peace today! Such a hot day calls for pretty, light clothes and a comfy chair in the garden with a cold drink…..or lolly... or one after the other like I do. I started the day off with a bacon sandwich with mum before she hopped off to church and I was in a productive groove – I planned on hoovering most of the house, put a wash on and maybe some revision.

I love listening to Paul O’ Grady on Radio 2 J do you listen to the radio? Tell me what stations are your favourites!

While mum was out, I actually spent the whole time doing a jigsaw, I’ve loved them all my life. Sounds like a pretty English thing to enjoy doing! Then I had a spurt and hoovered all of downstairs, thankfully that was when mum came home :) but I explained that I had intended on doing more.

It’s been especially nice today because I have genuinely felt no pressure in any way to be or do something in particular. It is never a close one’s intention, but it is how I interpret their behaviour – I am trying to turn that around but it seems very much engrained.

No revision was done, but I am feeling better with it lately, because I’ve made 3 posters this week. My mum was confused when I told her that was what I had done to revise haha pictures, pictures and more pictures will do it! Bit gutted that everyone else in my year is finished for good and can move on to the next chapter in their lives, whereas I’m stuck :/ I know only a few more months, but it feels like forever away.

Charity Shops

Mood: Okay

So knackered, last night was terrible: stormy, rain, thunder, lightning... not much sleep was had, but never mind. Today mother and I are going into town (eeehhh) to scour the charity shops for mum (eehhh) and donate plenty of things (yayyy!).  Thankfully, mum isn't keen on the town centre either because she doesn't like how busy and crowded it gets, so I am a bit hopeful that we won't be there all day.

The idea of being in town certainly gets me nervous straight away, I'd rather be in a small village or something, like Dibley! Where everyone knows everyone and there's no big shopping centre.

Who doesn't love Vicar of Dibley! It's TV comfort food. Anyway, we're off out soon so I have to muster all the energy I have; I could easily stay in town and do everything within an hour or so :)

If I stay quiet and dress warmly, I will feel more safe. I dress for the arctic for exams and presentation, I think the layers give me that feeling of protection. It must be why I sleep in a duvet-style coccoon.

Get out the sewing machines!!

Mood: Creative


I knew I had to go out with dad today and my hair was in a dire state, so first things first: clean clean clean!

After our little errand I walked home from down the road and it is a lovely sunny day in the south of the UK. I was skipping along the pavement in a summery dress, smiling at the sky. If you've followed me before now you'll know how much the weather affects my mood and this is great!

I have helped to plant around 250 trees in Brazil now, thanks to Ecosia - look it up :)

This afternoon has been very much in my comfort zone - at home, in the living room, doing something involving crafts and textiles: I braved my mum's sewing machine! I used to be pretty good with a sewing machine back in the day (secondary school) so I was looking forward to giving it another go after so many years. It felt very natural, I was very much at ease :)

Productivity surprise!

Mood: Good

I got out of bed todayyyy :)

Very pleased with myself. If you've been with me for a while you'll probably know I have a little pattern. Shortly after a productive spurt my mood sinks very low either for the rest of that same day, the entire following day or both. Today is supposed to be the following day but 

1) I got up out of bed and 

2) I've been getting on with things!

So proud of myself :) I've been doing what I do best: organising! I gave myself the task of going through tons of stuff and categorising them for charity shop donation / tip visit / throw away. It has made my room a mess which I can't stand but I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff which is so great! Old board games, knick knacks, videos, CDs, random things from over the years that had been completely forgotten (we all have things in that pile)....

Can't stop whistling the opening title tune for Cinderella after looking for the right disney princess image for this post....

I will attempt some revision this afternoon because it feels like everyone is getting on my case and I am worriyng more and more about it. It's all up to me, I guess :( so ready to have this behind me.

Are you doing / have you done a degree? Tell me all about it, I'd love to know the subject and everything!

Okay, I've been stock still at my desk whistling for about 10 minutes now, let's snap out of it Jess! Right, so for my revision I am going to make a poster or two with some drawings to tap into my visual learning skill. There's only so much highlighting can do...

Dosage worries

Mood: Frustrated

The internet is rubbish here!! It keeps cutting out and it is driving me nuts aaaaargh. It wouldn't bug me so much if I wasn't trying to register back with my home doctor's surgery online with the forms - I had to fill in a few pages multiple times and finally managed to get it sent along with an online health check questionnaire. I think now I have to go down to the surgery at some point, not sure when, to confirm my details, send proof of ID and sign stuff.


Hopefully I can make an appointment with a GP relatively soon because my meds will run out in about 3 weeks :/ pretty nervous of running out, things are strenuous at the moment so I would like to discuss with a GP the possibility of increasing my dosage. Running out and going cold turkey off my meds a second time is a serious worry, especially since these exams aren't done with yet.

I feel like I'm starting to sink a bit, so an appointment is very much needed. I'm starting to cry fairly often throughout the day and feeling very lonely and isolated - more so than the usual underlying mood. If things stay this way all the way up to my exams then I am certain they will not go well. I've done a tiny bit of revision a couple of times, but I am not feeling capable of passing my exams yet.

Rant: Monster Week on Animal Planet

THIS IS APPALLING!!

Television channels dedicated to animals ought to help make harmony between humans and animals, to help people gain some understanding about animal welfare and behaviour - not the opposite!!

This Monster Week thing on Animal Planet is making me furious. It irritated me before, but then an ad for a slot called 'Man-eating Zombie Cats' about tigers came on and I became LIVID. There are other shows like:

Attack of the Killer Lampreys
Man-Eating Super Wolves
Mountain Monsters

I get the old-school, 50s advert feel like the old monster animal movies like jaws and stuff, but in this day and age I don't think it's a good idea.

Loneliness kicking in

Mood: Upset

Mum's still got work for another 2 weeks and when dad isn't working he justs stays by himself. I had a bubble bath this morning and I cried because I suddenly felt a big kick of loneliness, I was like a 6 year old child calling for their mummy. All I kept thinking was 'Come home mumma' - not a nice start to the day :(

I wrote a long to do list for the day and after my bath all I want to do is curl up in blankets with mum for company, doing something crafty and creative. I am working on a pretty daisy design at the mo :) When my Etsy shop goes up I will put it up for sale! What an exciting thought :D

Giving blood went well yesterday on a good note, I was so pleased with myself! I only wish you could donate more frequently, I now have an appointment to donate on 24th September :/ ehhhh that's ages awayyyy. Ooh I'll have done my exams by then.

I've got things to do so it's not that I am bored, when I was counting down to being home I didn't think I would be by myself this much :/ although I did know mum would still be working for a while - our local uni where my mum works isn't done for the year for another month, we finished really early.

I need cake.. or a cuddle. Preferably both.

Errands and animals

Mood: Ready to roll!

I'm pumped this morning! Woke up uber early, but when you're up you're up, you know. Feeling good because my first eBay purchase came through last night :) yayy! Happy to see things go, one at a time. Lots of little worries attached with it though: Have I calculated it right, what if they can't send it, what if it costs me more than planned, what do I say, will they understand what I'm trying to do, will they have the right packaging for my order available....

So this is my list of to dos for today:

Go to post office and send order

Blood donation session: 1-3:30pm

Neighbour doggy chat

Today is also a blood bank day, as you know, so I will be nipping down the road early afternoon to try and donate for the first time. Fingers crossed this time all goes well :) they take more blood than I realised - just under a pint - but I don't mind at all, I'm actually pretty comfortable with needles. Funny really, something that is so commonly avoided by people and I am fine with it, ha! I'm actually more anxious about sending my order correctly than giving blood. I'm making sure to do everything right, I'm glugging down water this morning and I'll soon have some brekkie in front of Animal Rescue (naturally).

*barkfest outside*

Something's got those dog's tails in a twist :S there was a mini cat fight in front of our house the other night, the cat's on either side of our house. The poor younger, skittish one gets tormented a bit by the big fluffy one - probably a territorial thing, their territories do overlap over our garden :/

It is interesting how a pet cat's territory is its own garden and the gardens on either side as well. Good thing mum doesn't scare them away anymore.

I am excited about meeting the neighbour's dog properly tonight and giving her a good pet. Not having my own means I always shower other people's in affection - they usually don't mind!

What's the matter with you?!

Mood: Frustated

Today has been the dullest day, I almost didn't want to blog but here I am. I did get myself out and talking to a neighbour a couple of doors down and I am going over for a proper doggy-related chat with a cup of tea tomorrow night and I'll get to meet her heavenly dog properly, I'm so excited about it!

Yep, this is.... me. Exactly what I look like.

I have also done a lot of cross stitching today which I am happy about and also measured up all my finished pieces to know how many of what size frames I need to finish them off.

I will look into prices and write down how much each one has cost to make :) ooohh business-y! The thought of having a little etsy shop up and running gives me a boost feeling of independence.

Dad hasn't been around much this weekend and he often sounds irritable without meaning to. I've been away for a while, so coming back it's like I have to get used to his tone all over again :P I rang mum earlier because I wasn't feeling well, I just wanted to make myself some dinner, but I was nervous to eat before he got home from work in case he got annoyed. She was like 'Oh Jessy, what's the matter with you?! Just eat something. For goodness sake!'

Excellent. Now I feel hungry, nervous and stupid for feeling the first two. Thanks mum :/ I know you meant well but I genuinely cried a little. That might seem pathetic to others, but the way my mind works that's a slap in the face. I did eat something soon after the phone call and I'm feeling better.