BEING CHILDISH

Feeling: Knackered

Pretty pooped, this morning dad graciously gave me a lift so I could buy a new mattress - it's more exciting than it might sound - and then to the train station. This afternoon was aaaall about my best friend and her little gorgeous girl! Gosh, she can be a little diva and a half :P but she's very sweet.

A fun-filled afternoon

We had some band practice - guitar, whistle and xylophone, as you do - and then I helped her dress up and in return she helped me put tihngs back in her dressing up box. She teetered around as a princess in some of her mum's heels, it was so cute. Since I could play with her in her room, my best friend could do some things around the house - they only moved in to their new house a couple of weeks ago. She said it had been the most productive day since the move, so she was happy about that.

We had a coffee and blueberry muffin each, then curled up on the sofa to watch Cinderella, which of course we had to explain to her 3 year old all the way through what was going on..... she asks a lot of questions.

The highlight of my day was when I was leaving their house and the little spark ran back and forth from the hallway to me with my boots, coat and bag. It was the sweetest thing!!

I DID IT!

This is great, I got some work experience arranged you guyyys, how brilliant is that!!

So the nursery is happy to take me on, I was in and out in 10 minutes :) the deputy manager asked me a few questions like what I could bring to the team, what did I want to take away from the experience, things like that.

Then after that, she gave me a tour of the day nursery and all the rooms. They have a baby section upstairs for 3 months - 2 years, then the older ones of 2 - 5 years downstairs and a nice outside playground with toadstool steps, a sensory pathway through some trees and a colourful shed full of activities like hoops, mini bikes, parachutes etc.

It was lovely, the kids in each room stared back at me and I gave a little wave and a quiet hello. They all seem really sweet and, even better, all the women who work there seem really nice too. I'm looking forward to spending time and learning from them. I just hope I pick up quickly, I'm nervous of getting something wrong :/ we'll see next Monday afternoon!

TODDLER GROUP / NURSERY INTERVIEW

Feeling: Nervous

Preparing

I hate being nervous. It's a mood you just can't shake off, it holds on like a limpet. I'm all ready to head out to my first Parent + Toddler Group session at my church, but not leaving the house for another half hour. So I'm twiddling my thumbs, covering everything - if I need to get the bus somewhere new I'll find the route on an interactive map then make Plans B/C/D in case of mishaps! Last night, I even went through my bus journey in street view from beginning to end so I'd know what the streets look like and I don't panic thinking I've passed my stop. Bit excessive?

Why the nerves?

I don't think I'm nervous with what I'll be doing, but simply the fact that it's a new experience and unfamiliar territory. When I tell someone I'm nervous with something like this, they automatically say 'Oh, you'll be fine'..... yeah I know, that's not what I'm nervous about :P

Bagging work experience

Unfortunately, I have to leave the group session early to head to my chat at the nursery about work experience. It just didn't occur to me when I agreed to the time, but it doesn't matter :) now this, I am definitely nervous about this for what I'll be doing, it's a different kind of nerves to me.

Oooohhh gosh :/

Odd job day

My plan for the day was to stay in for when the broadband dude came over, but it was his very first job after his training and they always show up at 8am for their first job by themselves. Just after 10 and my day's objective is done. Hmmm...

Maybe I could enjoy some pampering time? Or carry on with my cross stitch? OOH I KNOW! I'll do odd jobs that I've been putting off for ages :D

So here's the to do list for today:

Wash my makeup brushes

Wash cross stitch piece(s)

Plan/book train ticket to visit Tom at Easter

Book train ticket to visit best friend on Thursday

Hoover the house

Tidy/organise

Plan what to wear for tomorrow - Kiddy Wednesday

Now, all I need is my laptop to pump out some of my favourite upbeat tunes and I'm good to go!

* * * * *

Don't look at me!

So let's see what I've done so far. I haaave washed my makeup brushes, yay! I've been putting it off for far too long, you should wash them after every use, I know some people who wash them once a week. Actually I don't wear that much makeup anymore, so I think once a week would be okay but I'm ashamed to say it might've been months since I last washed them! Maybe I'll try to wash them once a fortnight - I couldn't go from never remembering to suddenly washing them all the time.

The hoover and I had some fun times in the living room and kitchen and, even though I didn't get to the rest of the house, I'm pleased with what I did. The kitchen looks so much better :) hoorah! I'll do upstairs tomorrow afternoon.

Soooo yep. That's all I did off of my to do list, but I did do other things like cutting it loose with the wii on Just Dance 2 and I played with dad a little on Mario Kart like we used to when I was much younger :) that was a nice mini trip down memory lane! I read my favourite book (The Rice Mother by Rani Manicka) in a bubble bath to warm up, it's been so cold today.

The highlight of my day was definitely washing my makeup brushes because I've been putting it off for so long and finally did them :D

WHEN A HANDYMEN VISITS / Dad's time

Feeling: Irritated

DAMN IT, MEN!

Men are so damn annoying whenever a guy comes round to do a job. They instantly act as though they know just as much or they are an apprentice, they will stalk whoever is doing the job and ask about every little thing that they're doing and why. STOP IT! Why do they do that?! It must be a man thing, women will just let them do their job and if they ask us for something, we can help. It really is infuriating.

We changed our broadband etc provider a while ago, so a guy came over this morning to set up our phone and broadband. Dad wouldn't leave him alone! If he was able to, I wouldn't be surprised if dad went up the pole thingymajig in the street with him ha :P it drives me crackers, I couldn't get a question in because dad would pretend he was talking to him rather than me. For goodness sake!

Oh dad

Oh and this is the cherry on the cake. I don't know if I've gone into this before, but my dad is an extreme conspiracist with almost everything and today was no different to any other day.

The guy gave me a small card that says our new router name and wifi password for it so I could try the internet. Of course, dad was leaning so far over to see what was happening on my laptop that it was ridiculous. When he asked if we could change the password, I thought fine fair enough, we might want something easier to remember. No, that wasn't his reason! Apparently there is some kind of device in the piece of card he gave me so we should make them lose our scent, so to speak.

Dad's time

*sigh* really want to move to Bath right now. He scares me with this stuff sometimes. Do you want to know what I've been thinking lately? My dad is 60 now and.... well, it'll sound harsh, but I've no clue how my family and I will care for him when he's older and can't manage things by himself. I just hope dad doesn't go gradually over time - he hates doctors, he doesn't believe in the medical industry and wouldn't go near medication for anything.

My english grandpa who passed away last October always had total respect and trust in doctors, but the Dementia slowly took over him and he became aggressive towards hospital staff. Dad would act like that before any deterioration, so if his mind goes....that'll be tough.

MORBIDNESS OVER!

IN THE BAG?

I might have just turned this around!

So I had a lush shower and everything, but after drying my hair, I skulked on the bed watching youtube clips of Keeping Up With the Kardashians (don't judge me, it's entertaining). Mum gave me a ring to see how I was going and I admitted I hadn't taken many more steps forward since our chat an hour earlier!

Ringing up

Mum was super nice about it, she knows how I feel when talking over the phone and gave me some gentle nudges of encouragement. I might not have gone out (it is grey and occasionally hailing really badly) but I started making calls. Turns out I only needed to make two! The first day nursery already had someone in for work experience but gave me the owner's contacts so I could enquire for further into the future. Then I rang another day nursery and luckily enough they were happy to consider me!

Depression - 0, Jess - 1!

So yes, not a done deal yet, but I have a way in!! I have emailed them my cover letter and CV and I'm going there on Wednesday for a chat. Ooohh exciting :D I rang mum about it cause I was so happy and I figured - as I was saying it - that I'll see how it goes and if they do take me on, what hours I will be doing, because depending on that, I might still go to my primary school for experience in other years. I plan to specialise in early years - children from 0-5 yrs - so hopefully they could put me in their reception class. We'll see how Wednesday goes first though :D

Gosh, Wednesday is going to be a big day, I have a parent and toddler group at my church that I've offered to volunteer at just before my day nursery chat/interview. I just hope I go to bed on Wednesday wanting to go ahead with these teaching plans :/

The highlight of my day was definitely going to be securing a chat with a day nursery to get some work experience. I hope it'll be a done deal when I see them!

TOO NERVOUS!

Feeling: Really nervous
Watching: Criminal Minds

I'm so nervous of going to a school to talk to their headteacher. Any school. Maybe I should only go to my primary school and focus on trying to get in there. It's my greatest chance of coming up with something and I'm too scared to go to multiple places in one morning. Uhhh feel sick. Don't want to go to any really.

GAAAHHHH don't know what to do.

At least the weather's vastly improved. I'll get ready for the day and see how I feel then..... after this episode of Criminal Minds.

One step at a time

Feeling: Nervous
Listening to: Brokeback Mountain n.1 - Gustavo Santaolalla (Brokeback Mountain OST)

Mattress Shopping

It's been a fairly pleasant day, I've not let myself worry or get wound up with anything, went out mattress browsing this morning - mine is really soft and you can feel the springs coming through the top. When I say soft, I mean weak and bendy. That was pretty fun, I had a good time doing that! I don't think we've ever bought a mattress from a store. You might think 'Well, where else would you get one?!', but we've got them from peoople we know, people on gumtree etc. I'm excited! One of my favourite things about it was taking Tom into account, it felt really warm and fuzzy.

Roast Luncheons

Mum decided that it would be a nice treat if we ate out for lunch today. There is a long, very dull backstory involving a new and frustratingly broken oven and we are a traditional family - oh so loyal to the roast - so mum felt we ought to go where we can have one instead of scrambling something together that resembles a roast dinner. Of course dad isn't bothered, his cigarette black teeth are so soft he can't handle a roast potato. Even when that wasn't a thing, his italian-ness was never a fan!

The more english the food, the less enthusiastic he is!

Let's get some work experience

So today's been nice, but I did have a little task to do which didn't happen. It was just some preparation for tomorrow's plans. I am going to go to a few primary schools/day nurseries and enquire about getting some work experience! I'm excited, but nervous about talking to headteachers.

I've decided to go to my own primary school first. It seems to make sense, what with the fond memories I have of the school and how I'd love to remain connected :) I just hope the head they have is nice. I'm sure the school has changed a lot in the 10 years since I left! Oh listen to me, worrying too far ahead again - I have to focus on getting some work experience agreed on somewhere and then I'll think about how I'll get on :)

I have the morning and early afternoon to go to a few places, so I'll need to come up with a kind of walk route to get me from one to another efficiently so I can squeeze more in. I sound like I'm going on a D of E trip hahaha (so glad I never did that at school).

The highlight of my day is the lovely lunch out with my folks. Despite the horrible pouring rain outside, it was a rare treat that I really apreciated.

Highlight Of The Day

My head is clearer

I've gone up to my room to chill and I'm starting to feel much better. My head has cleared and I'm seeing the bigger picture and remembering my goals. I won't always live with family, things will move on and with every day I'm progressing further to figuring out what I am meant to do in my life.

Highlights

So I am going to try/retry (honestly can't remember if I've introduced this before or not) writing my highlight of the day whenever I make a post..... I will have to remind myself to keep it up.

My highlight for today was spending the afternoon being crafty with tea and cake, what's not to like about that? I think my favourite thing about it was my mum and sister were there too and they would never do that at home - just sit and be knitting/crocheting. So I felt like it was okay just to sit and do something enjoyable, whereas at home I would feel terribly lazy doing that and seeing my family running around, not allowing a few minutes of a sit down.

I'm doing fun things, why am I not cheerful?

Feeling: Irritated

I've been really unstable emotionally today. I woke up instantly annoyed when I came down for breakfast and my sister leapt at me.....ugh. From then on, I was pretty miserable all day sadly. Almost started crying as I was hoovering this morning!

Crafternoon

The afternoon was nicer around a friend of the family's for a crafternoon. We all get together at someone's home with our craft projects and have cake and tea :) it was nice, had a good laugh and got some cross stitch done too.

Am I doing it wrong?

I'm a little confused, my homework this week had been to schedule some fun activities into my week. I've done some new things and stuff I've always enjoyed, but my mood has still been very up and down. Maybe I'm missing the point. We'll see, I'll try to explain to my Therapist on Monday.

Too much going through my mind

Feeling: Good
Listening to: Calvin Harris feat. Ellie Goulding - I Need Your Love

What an overwhelming day. In my brain, that is.

Too much going through my mind

I have realised this evening what I was doing wrong today: I was trying to cover everything at once. My brain obviously doesn't like that approach, so Sunday (tomorrow is set aside as a craft day) I will try a new way.

I felt so overwhelmed today because of all the research I did on the entire process of going into a teacher training course etc. Thankfully, I spoke to Tom in the evening - he always says the right thing at the right time and he can calm me down from any situation.

DAMN TECHNOLOGY!

Feeling: Frustrated
Listening to: Fire Radio

My generation are supposed to be the techies, but right now, I want to throw giant hail stones at whoever invented..... hmmm I think a few people would be responsible. I am so wound up by the need to have accounts online whenever you want to buy something.

It's been an okay day, but so grey and wet outside.

Boyfriend gift!

Feeling: Lifted
Listening to: Sia - Elastic Heart (feat. The Weeknd & Diplo)

Yesterday was quite nice, did a few things and lots of cross stitch!

A knock on the door...

There I was, having a lovely bubble bath with my laptop playing Modern Family. Someone knocked at the door and I knew it had to be what Tom had sent me in the post, whatever it was! I had to hop out of the bath and go to the door drenched, in a towel. Thank goodness the guy had left and put it by the door - that could've been mortifying!

I could tell there were flowers inside, oooh I squealed and took it up to the bathroom, where at least it was warm! So I bobbed on the floor, dripping everywhere and looking like a soggy witch (panda mascara eyes) and carefully opened up the box...

There they were, a dozen roses with chocolates and a note! EEEE!!! I left them in the box until I was done washing my hair and nice and dry again, then I spent half an hour with the roses in the kitchen, prepping them for a vase. I was beaming from ear to ear like an idiot, but who cares xD

They are now on display, looking lovely, on our kitchen table. So beautiful :) he makes me feel so loved every day despite presents and even though he's a student for a few months longer, he still took the time to send me a loving gesture.

PANCAKE DAY!

Pick yourself up again

Feeling: Determined
Listening to: Gustavo Santaolalla - Opening (Brokeback Mountain OST)

A bad day

Yesterday was mostly a bad day BUT I did turn it around, thanks to my mum :) unfortunately for no reason, I had a super low. I got up, had breakfast with my mum and sister like normal at the weekend, went back up to my room and lay on my bed for six hours, wallowing. It really came out of nowhere, things have been going well and for that reason I am going to treat it as a simple anomally. These days will happen, after all, it's perfectly normal every once in a while. So I'm not freaking out, thinking 'Ohh it's back to square one' - no, none of that thank you very much.

Mum cuddles

My family had the impression that I was asleep, but mum poked her head up my attic stairs to see how I was doing mid afternoon and saw me curled up under the covers, my eyes tired from crying. I was relieved to see mum checking on me because I wanted mum cuddles. Everyone wants mum cuddles now and then, it just makes everything better.

Onwards and upwards

I am full of a new positive boost to move forwards again, which makes me so happy!

I have another CBT Therapist session today and we now are almost solely looking at improving my self-esteem. I am working through some psychology services workbooks on this and am at a crunch point where it is time to put a lot of work into it. It has already felt like a fair bit of work, although of course on the outside none of it is apparent.

So currently, I am keeping a type of positivity journal, noting down my positive qualities and examples in my life where they have shown through. I am really seeing how this works, it makes a lot of sense, which is so uplifting. With each chapter, I automatically think that it's all talk and it won't really change anything, 'my low self-esteem is a solid as rock' blablabla and each chapter has proven me wrong!

So thankful for these services.

CAREER U-TURN?

Feeling: Contemplative
Listening to: 2NE1 - Hate You

This past week has been interesting and exciting in terms of opening doors for a future career and it's totally different to an ambition I've ever planned towards. I'm thinking about working in child care, particularly as an early years teacher.

Could this be for me?

My grandma was an early years teacher and loved little ones, we've had other teachers in the family too, maybe I have the knack! I've never liked the idea of teaching but then I never considered littlens. As I've gotten older I've liked being with little children more and more and my hope to have kids is definitely settling in. Spending time with my best friend and her 3 year old daughter is one of my most favourite things to do.

Perfect!

It's worth exploring into, so I mentioned it to mum the other night quite nervously, but I was relieved that she could see me suiting it. My mum told me of a parent and toddler group that meets at our church every Wednesday and what's more they're in need of lots of help. Perfect! It's half term next week, so Wednesday 25th I'm going to volunteer for the group meeting and see how it goes :) I'm feeling really positive about it and if it does go well, I said I would come to volunteer whenever I can.

Most importantly, love yourself

Happy Valentine's Day no matter what your relationship status may be!

It shouldn't make the slightest bit of difference whether you are with someone or not, the love for yourself is the most important. Not in a vain way, but just loving who you are. After all, you and you will spend lots of time together over the years!

Let the love start now.

Bye bye Marco!

Feeling: Happy

Better than nothing

It's been a okay day, I've genuinely been happy with myself with the little tasks I've got done. The phrase 'better than nothing' is really resonating with me today :) 

I took Marco out for a walk then back to Woofability base camp in the afternoon, hoovered my room and the living room, worked on my CV and a cover letter for a new job opportunity, helped prepare dinner and made an online food shopping order.

Ready to go to bed now :)

Marco!

Everyone in my family wanted to keep Marco longer, but it is easy for them to want him to stay when they aren't actually caring for him you know, they get a welcome home cuddle and hugs in the evening. I was fine when we gave him back until he was walking away from us and turned back to see us again. Oh, the pang in our hearts!

Still, I genuinely don't mind the giving back part of it all and it's funny, I'm with them the most. Maybe it's the reassurance that they are off to do great things for disabled people or the knowledge that I can sleep in a bit in the mornings! Yeah bit selfish, but you know. As much as I growled, getting dressed to go to the park, I always enjoyed it when I was there and felt good afterwards.

NOT TODAY

Feeling: Incredibly irritable

Everything is annoying!!

I don't know what has set me off this morning, but I am getting really annoyed at anything and everything. I'm still in my pjs and quite frankly I want to stay in them today. I don't want to go out, my dad's driving me mad (although that's normal), I even want the little birds outside to quit churping. Did I take my meds this morning? Yeah I did, ugh I hope they kick in soon. Maybe today I should double up, I don't know.

Last doggy day

The phone's been ringing loads with scam rubbish, I've no patience with Marco today. We're taking him back tomorrow. He's been pretty good, but I'm not sure how long it'll be til we get another one to stay because dad and I want to give the garden some attention. You wouldn't think it's relevant, but the thing is we put certain food waste in the garden soil and the dogs love to treat it as an all you can eat buffet!

Garden plans

I've got plans to grow some wildlife attractive flowers in the garden and I don't want the dogs to come along and snack away! I love the thought of having birds, bees and butterflies in the garden. They all need our help and there are so many things you can do for them. I made a post recently about attracting birds to your garden, if you like the idea take a look!

Quick Link: 5 Reasons You're Doing Better Than You Think

Just a snappy post to share with you this article that I found through Facebook just as I was browsing.

5-reasons-youre-doing-better-you-think

This article was well written in my opinion and can help to give you another point of view, which is often all you need! I hope those of you with sky high expectations of yourself or low self esteem check it out if you get a moment :)

It's all about Marco!

Feeling: Alright

Watching a film together

I'm a little bored to be honest. It has been a nice enough day, I've checked some things off my list but not everything. Not too bad I suppose.

A balanced mindset

When I was really depressed, on a day like this I would focus on the fact that I haven't done absolutely everything I planned to bla bla bla but I truly believe I'm pulling out of it. It is becoming much easier to think with a balanced mindset.

Doggy Daycare

It has been nice being with Marco - I like the responsibility of keeping him and the loyalty a dog gives you in return for your care. Today we ventured to the park for the first time since I felt Marco's recall was good enough with me and it went pretty well! Thankfully there were only 3 other dogs there and they were all well balanced and friendly. That is always a worry when other dogs come nearby - we've certainly had a fair share of aggressive dogs the past couple of days on walks and I'm sick of them! I wish more dog owners would take proper responsibility and take their dogs through training when possible. It's frustrating!

Mucky pup!

After the relief of today going well off the lead, I have no nerves of going to the park again with Marco :) except he loves to roll in the dirt - I think a rinse down is going to become a daily task with him haha!

What a long day / Secret reveal

Feeling: Knackered

Today was pretty busy. I had my therapy session at 3 and because it takes a while to get there, I have to leave plenty of time for the journey, plus I had things to do beforehand.

Opening up

I decided to tell my CBT Therapist about my ex boyfriend. I've never told a health professional about it and I thought it was about time because it plays a part in my low self esteem. She didn't actually have much to say about it, but it made sense and I felt like I could breathe a bit better after I spat it out...eventually. I do wish I had gone to someone about it sooner, but then it's not very black and white. With sexual coercion, you're not sure if you want to or not because they convince you into doing things that originally you refused to. It took me about a year to realise I hadn't given my consent to most...err, occasions and sadly it has left its mark.

Trust the journey

Working through it, like many mental health conditions, is a gradual process and it is easy to think you'll never get there. All you can do is keep going and trust the journey.

Beyond Knackered / Inner bully voice

So tired - it's a weirdly good feeling, I mean, I imagine most people don't think twice about going to bed, but for me it's a worry I've had for a long time, as you know. That must be it, it is so comforting to know I can go to bed and let myself drift off. My mind will simply be too tired to stay awake to think over stuff.

You know, in a session with my CBT Therapist, she asked me what is going through my mind when I'm lying in bed struggling to sleep and it's one of those questions that you don't know the answer to and I had to think about it. What do I think about when I'm just lying in bed awake?!

Inner bully voice

I figured that I just mull over my day and past events, criticising my behaviours and actions, but I'm not sure that's the case anymore. That's a massive step for me because I've done that for as long as I can remember. Everyone has that inner bully voice and it speaks so frequently in our ear that we barely even notice it.

It can be turned around

It sounds impossible because it is very difficult. It takes a lot of mental effort, it is such a tiring process. Sometimes it feels similar to a workout and I want to stop trying, but when you think about it, listening to your inner bully voice constantly is exhausting too - you're just used to it after so many years.

A shaky afternoon

Feeling: On edge

I had such a good sleep :) it was lovely getting up this morning and having Marco greet me in the morning!

I've been irritable whenever my sister's around, just for anything she says. I don't know :/ I managed to be productive today, so I'm feeling satisfied and very sleepy - just how you should feel at the end of the day! This afternoon mum and I, as planned, went down the high street to get some things sorted and Marco came with us.

It's a good thing we went to the 02 shop first, because we were in there well over an hour to get a contract sorted out for mum. She's had an ancient nokia for as long as we can all remember, so long that the button markings have rubbed away over the years! We've meant to get mum sorted with a new phone for ages and finally, after yesterday's long drawn out task with the network provider stuff, I was in the mood to get this checked off the to do list.

Unsettling errand

Unfortunately, I didn't feel all that welcome in the shop. As we were browsing the phones, I glanced to the doorway of the shop and instantly recognised the guy standing on the pavement staring at me. He is (or was) a regular punter at William Hill, I'm pretty sure he was homeless but this was 4 years ago, so who knows what his situation is like now. By the looks of him, not that much better.

Anyway, we sat with an salesman, really nice guy, and every time I glanced over, the guy was getting closer and it started to really unnerve me. He wasn't even pretending to browse of anything, just stood there staring at me. We were at the desk for over an hour and he was sat right behind us, god I felt uncomfortable. We even asked if there was a second, rear exit! Thankfully, he didn't try anything because we walked past pretty quickly. I could hear our salesman ask him if he wanted to come to the desk and he said no.

We sprinted into Waitrose in the hopes to get away! You can practically hear the 007 music in the background as we rushed in!

Nervy dogs

After our Waitrose errand, I relaxed again only for us to pass some really frustrated dogs. I'm not sure whether they aren't well trained or they just have bad energy, but one pitbull-like dog suddenly lunged and was barking ferociously. Another toy dog was all snappy as well. For goodness sake!

Bad Days

Woofability doggy no. 4!

Feeling: Productive

Yesterday was such a productive day, I fell asleep almost instantly last night! So knackered. My sister was away from home for a bit, so it was just mum and I and as it usually goes on the weekends, it was time to clean.

A long to do list

We *deep breath* hoovered the living room, hallway, stairs, bedrooms and bathrooms, did a stupid amount of washes, cleaned the bathrooms, spoke with our network provider, researched other deals and organised switching providers - lunch happened in there somewhere - and lastly picked up a Woofability dog!

Marco

We are now looking after Marco for a week :) he is Hudson's younger brother, they were a litter of 7 or 8 puppies. They're are all around graduation age and, sure enough, Marco only has 2 weeks left before he graduates and gets a partner to stay with. Their other brothers are going to be graduating throughout February as well.

He's a chubby thing, so he's on a diet! We went for a short walk round the corner to our local Co-op this morning - his jacket is very fitted - and actually got there before it was open, so we waited outside the doors. He was very good, an angel to walk! What a relief, I have no patience at all when I'm dogwalking, for some reason. Maybe it's all the pausing to pee on everything and pulling to poop in people's gardens.

He's pretty good while we're eating as well, so long as you don't make eye contact with him (which dad is useless at). After some lunch, mum and I are going down the road to get some stuff done and bring him along for a second walk :)

Attracting wild birds to your garden

Feeling: Happy

Being around animals either wildlife or pets, is so good for your wellbeing. Many recommend being around animals as an alternative to some medications because they calm the mind, normalise your heartbeat and make your worries fade into the background.

If you follow my posts already, you'll know I don't have any pets - although when I have a Woofability dog with me, I like to pretend they are mine! - and love to be around animals. Furry friends are fun and relaxing to be around, so I've found another route to tend to the animal lover in me and give more to the environment. I love seeing birds of different kinds in our garden and on our rooftop, sometimes in the morning I peer out of my attic bedroom window and watch the birds chippering away.

I have 2 types of feeders, bird seed mix, suet cake, fat seed balls and, as of Christmas just gone, a new lovely bird nest box. It came out of nowhere I remember, I was just browsing in Wilkinson's and passed their wild bird section, a little corner full of seeds, seed mixes, feeders, suet cakes, kits and all very affordable. I was tempted to buy the birdfeeder's beginner kit - it was around £7 and had a bunch of things in it - but I decided against it because I wasn't sure how suitable our garden would be.

Work out how suitable your garden is before buying feeders.

Researching online has opened up a world of information and I thought I would blog what I consider to be important points:

Space

Most people don't have sizable gardens, but you don't need one - just think vertically as well. Planting bird-friendly trees that provide natural perches and cover like Birch or Ash or ones that provide a food source like cherries. Hedgerows do so much in the countryside and planting some around the edge of your garden is ideal for nesting birds e.g. rose bushes.

Various plants = various insects = bird food!

Water

A bird bath is a lovely additional to any garden and all birds need to drink regularly. Make sure that the water is kept clean. If you can, position it near cover, so they can hop over and back. Different depths would be a good way to attract different bird species and putting some rocks in could help them perch. If you can have moving water, even better!

Food

If you have any feeders, keep them near cover but not where cats can reach. Keep them clean and disease free by pouring hot water over them. Vary the seeds you use to see what birds you attract. It is a thought to not put feeders too close to nest boxes - I almost did until I read this - as noise might disturb any birds.

Shelter

We don't have much shelter in our garden, this is probably what I need to work on the most! Research has shown generations of birds tend to stay in the same areas over the years. Having a nest/bird box encourages mating and keeps them in your garden. Clean them once a year to help birdy tenants.

You can only legally empty a box in Oct - Jan period

If you're looking for a good place in your garden for a box, position them between 1.5 and 5.5m high to stay away from predators and preferably in the quieter part of your garden. Bear in mind that some birds are territorial, so if you are placing multiple boxes be careful not to position them too close together or they'll hash it out birdy South West Story style.

Jobhunting

Feeling: Sluggish

I've been sat in my spot on our sofa ALL DAY. Ugh. I'm not bothered about doing too much, but it's just been me and my laptop for several hours, so I'm feeling super groggy *yawwwwn*

Today has been all about jobhunting. I've searched constantly for vacancies and I have found a couple, so I'm in the process of filling out some applications, I do hope that something comes out of one because after all the benefit crap I am a lot more motivated to find a job soon and start saving up. I am ready to start building up my little pot of gold.

Still quite cold, but it's a little better. I've been doing well on the getting-dressed-for-the-day side of things, although today has been a pj day. On occasion it's okay I think :) really tempted to dive into a hot bubble bath, but mum will be home soon and won't be home for long, so I'd best wait and get her help on an application first :/

Unsure about whether to take in a new dog some time soon. I don't know, I'll ponder a bit more about it, but probably not this weekend.

A mixed bag

Out for the day

After the benefits crap yeterday, I had a 30 second cry and then forced myself to go round my best mate's anyway and I'm glad I went. I know that if I stayed home I would've have just moped and cried a lot more than necessary and turn it into a much bigger thing....well, money issues are pretty big, but anyways.

I had a great time as always with her and her little princess, we have so much fun! She climbs all over me and I jump her on my knee and she tries to balance standing on my feet, we do colouring and watch movies. It's just the best time and of course I love to catch up with my best friend, she's the loveliest, most loyal, understanding person in the world - I wish we could be neighbours haha!!

Journey home

The journey home was pretty horrible unfortunately, we're going through a particularly cold period in the south of the UK - at least for us it is - and it's not exactly 10 mins :/ I felt okay until for some reason people on the bus were irritating me really easily, it was like my senses were on overload and I could smell and hear everything. By the time I was almost home I was praying not to be sick or faint, I felt so ill!

Warm force field

Never found out what that was all about but I guess I was just uber hungry. When I was walking along the street just round the corner from my house, I suddenly started to daydream about Rufus - my last Woofability doggy - and how he would greet me in the mornings and all of a sudden it was as if I had a force field of warmth around me and I felt so happy and lucky.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, I had a yummy meal when I got in, watched a lovely programme on tv with my parents and even got to have a chat with Tom on the phone - I always feel extra special when he calls!

MEAN BENEFITS SYSTEM!!

Feeling: Let down

Today has been a bad day turned into a good one - hoorah! Still annoyed about this whole thing, ermm..

Damn Jobcentre

Right, I was ready to head over to my best friend's house when I thought I'd best try to ring Jobcentre again - I tried to ring them last Friday but couldn't get through to anyone - to see what's up with my thingymajig. They're bloody cheeky!

To be eligible for the one I claimed for, among other factors you have to work 'up to 16 hours a week', so when I filled in the forms Threadkin was kicking off and I was in my really enthusiastic honeymoon period and I put in the forms I was working 16 hours a week. Since I am self-employed and it's almost like a little hobby that I just want to make some money off, I knew the hours would be flexible and I could easily get things done in 16 hours/week.

'We have decided you aren't eligible'

TURNS OUT *fumes* they should say '15 hours or less' makes you eligible and '16 hours or more' makes you... not. So I spoke to an 'advisor' - I'm really working the air bunnies! - and she said, in her monotone voice: 'You told us you work 16 hours a week and we have decided that you aren't eligible for your claim.' EXCUSE ME, but on your damn forms it says I can work up to 16 hours. That SHOULD mean 16 hours is also allowed!!

So, because of the damn phrasing of their conditions to be eligible, I misunderstood it and have been waiting for about £700 worth to come through which, as it turns out, was never going to happen!! I first set this up early October for god's sake!

Dinner disaster / Homophobia is so old

Feeling: Recovering from a whole day of irritability

A bit more happened yesterday that I failed to blog about at the time because my laptop was almost out of juice, my charger was 2 stair flights away and I couldn't be bothered to get it.

New oven and already a problem?!

So we had an oven disaster. Being Sunday, we of course were all set to have a sunday roast dinner (a tradition that will never die here I tell you) and I was happy to be preparing it myself and giving it a go - I could hear myself in my head promising Tom I'd learn to make a good roast since he's a massive fan of them! Things in and an hour later, I find that the oven is barely even warm :(

We were baffled - we bought this oven only 2 weeks ago, it's brand new, and it's already broken?! Let me give you an idea of how long and dreary our night was. I began prepping din dins at 5, ready to eat for half 7. When did we eat? Quarter to 10.

QUARTER TO 10

Everyone was in a bad mood by the time we ate! I was annoyed with my sister for taking over preparing dinner, even thought I hadn't said a word about wanting to handle it myself, so that was silly. Mum had been upset the whole evening because we didn't know (and still don't) what's wrong with it and why, so what do we do next. I went cold and quiet for the rest of the night.

Old generation and homophobia

We watched a episode of Call The Midwife and it focussed on a gay man who was married and about to become a father. It got me thinking about how my grandparents would feel towards me being bisexual.

Just before bed, I propped on mum's bed and asked how they would have been with it, althought in hindsight I thought maybe it's better not to know :( it is easy to think what they would've thought considering their generation. Mum said she just couldn't imagine them knowing in the first place, she would never have said anything to them.

When I think of my Grandma, she was my favourite person in the world, and yet I know she wouldn't have loved all parts of me. It's a sad thought, but it doesn't upset me because that was just how everyone thought at that time, people's minds are a lot more open nowadays and attitudes have changed a lot. I don't take it personally because it was society as a whole, everyone thought as a unit then.

HOUNDED BY SPAM / Guess who mum met at church!

After my bath I'm feeling much better and have held off tidying until after I have some luncheons. I have a bad habit of staying in the bath too long and letting the water turn cold and then I'm too cold to move!

Nothing is impossible when you find the right song track

I put on some good tunes while I was in the bath and before I knew it I was hunting for jobs online in my area - felt pretty good about it too :) nothing is impossible when you find the right track... and yes, I prop my laptop up next to the bath, usually for a movie or a favourite sitcom of mine :P

'Congratulations! You've won £5284.28, claim now...'

I wanted to really rant about how I'm getting hounded constantly through my emails and texts with constant: 'Congratulations! You've won £5284.28, claim now...' or 'PPI claim....' '£6782.24 is waiting for you..'

GAAAHHHH GO AWAY! I've no clue why I'm getting these so often, there is rarely a day where I don't get any, I can't stand them. Sure I just delete them straight away but they're plain relentless. If only the people throwing them about has a clue as to how damn annoying it is. Got to admire their resilience, but it's driving me up the wall, just hope it quietens down soon. And breathe...

* * * * *

It was lovely to hear what mum had to say about going to church this morning, because she bumped into someone by surprise!

Hudson!

Ohhh my gorgeous boy, the most well behaved doggy in the world! He recently graduated from Woofability School and was partnered with a lady in a wheelchair just 2 days ago! Mum said he had a little green mat to lie on during the service at the front by his owner and was, of course, good as gold. It was really nice that mum got to pet him a little and talk to his new owner about how we've had him before. If ever there was incentive to go to church more often!

Tech rant / Job hunt / Lost

Feeling: Super frustrated

'STUPID INTERNEEEET!!'

Most days of the week I don't let it bother me because it happens so much, but today it is reeeally winding me up. The internet in my house is beyond hopeless, I have to reboot or reset it every few minutes. *troubleshoot* This is ridiculous! There are so many things that need seeing to at home, but we never get round to everything. It's the typical case where you check one thing off your list but add another two to be done. *troubleshoot*  Uuuuughhh.. Rant over.

Job hunting

The past few weeks have been fairly boring, but I did apply to a couple of jobs. I thought I stood a good chance if I made it to the interview stage, I've never failed to get a job from an interview. I applied to House of Fraser and other retail shops, it is what I'm good at and where I am comfortable. Unfortunately I didn't get an interview with them and I haven't heard from anywhere else, so it looks like a new job hunt is on the cards :(

*troubleshoot*

What do I do now?

Honestly, lately I've felt a bit lost. Threadkin hasn't advanced because I haven't been putting my time into it like I was before Christmas. Everyone seems to be doing something. Maybe I'm overthinking things again.

Stop thinking, start acting

I really ought to work on that! I'm running a bubble bath to help me clear my head and afterwards I think a good tidy of my room and study is best. If anything helps me to calm my mind down it's calming my room down.

A tidy room calls for a calmer mind