I've been watching a lot of Long Lost Family the past couple of days. I knew about it about a year ago and had watched quite a few, then totally forgot about it. Such a wonderful, meaningful programme. I see relatives meet either for the first time ever or after decades being apart and they just look so happy to be together. One girl disappeared from home at 22 when she moved out and her 2 sisters eventually were reunited with her 13 years later. That story really resonated with me, I thought 'Would my sister look for me? Would she even want to see me?!' Right now I don't think she would.
My relationship with my parents is much healthier when my sister isn't there and I wish that wasn't the truth, but after all these years comparing myself to my sister and feeling that I live in her shadow, when she isn't there I'm in the light, I feel seen. If she ever read this, she would be furious with me, she'd be resentful that I think this way, in a sense that would make things worse but what am I supposed to do?
It seems my options are either be open and honest and cause friction between us or keep myself to myself, isolate myself from my family with increasing pain inside. Before the big summer argument, I didn't want to talk to them because I thought it would do exactly what it did, which only makes me feel even more strongly that in future it is probably best never to try to explain or talk about my condition and how I'm handling it, never turn to them for help that was to do with my mental health.
If I ever mention it to my mum, I can feel her glaze over across the phone, like she's deliberately walled off so she can't hear what I'm saying, It is very frustrating!! I know she cannot empathise and that it is difficult not knowing what to say, but the most important thing for me is that my family acknowledge it, maybe read around it. It is easier to deal with when it isn't a taboo subject. Avoidance makes it seem 10x bigger.
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