Frustrated with family

The past couple of days have been very emotional.
After coming across the image of my trauma by accident on the internet, as I explained in my previous post, I had an incredibly emotional night last night. It happened on Saturday, but I was hunky dory in the arms of my man, but Sunday I was by myself. I honestly thought I was fine, but it spiralled very quickly into a panic attack. Before I knew it, I had combined my trauma with this girl who I can't stand and clash with very badly.

I started to imagine her chaining me down and forcing me to rewatch the horror film, she would gradually get closer to me with the face instead of her own, she was saying she would kill me in my sleep, when I least expected it, just when I was starting to think it was going away. I was up until about 1, but that isn't really that bad for me looking at the bigger picture. After a short night and a very long day at uni today (9 til 6), I just wanted to relax with my favourite youtubers and some online browsing in my pyjamas.

Rewinding for a minute: Partway through my day, I received a small coursework piece back that was the first fail I've ever had. I can't redo it but it can be made up for. This is irrelevant. The pressure I put on myself to keep things up and not fail anything is not really healthy, I put unrealistic goals on myself so I don't think much of my own intelligence. So I was SOOO upset about it, I spoke to my lecturer for just a split second, I was trying to explain that it wasn't my doing, I did everything I could - there were technical problems and stuff. I wanted to cry my eyes out but I was with my friend and the class is fairly big, about 60 I think?

I was texting all my closest - boyfriend and my support enablers, saying I wanted to quite studying, I am sick of this pressure, blablabla. Each with their own take, but all replied saying I am capable of finishing. The work itself I can do - but in the student environment? No. I can get my head around the content and all, but I buckle under the deadline conflicts and pressure and revision and just generally how the academic year is designed to test you. Although I think I feel like I began the year already feeling beaten - I didn't want to do a third year, can you blame me?! It was necessary, not a desire of mine. So in the lunch break, I got the chance to ring my mum and blurt everything out over the phone - feeling rubbish, panic attack, wanting to end it all (yes I admitted that to my mother), wanting to quit yada yada yada. I got through the rest of the day and even stayed an extra hour with my friend to get ahead on our assignment - our lecturer was still there if anyone needed help and we thought we would take advantage for at least a bit longer. Very proud of myself for that I have to say :)

I didn't expect what happened when I got back to my flat. My sister called me. I looked at my phone and couldn't believe it. Maybe someone else was borrowing her phone or something? So I picked up, deciding that this was a great thing to happen because it will have been the first time she has properly spoken to me in months! I thought 'Yes! Mum spoke to her about how I want our sisterhood back to normal and I miss her.' That wasn't quite what happened. I was expecting her to briefly ask how I was, that it would be a mutual catch up, a little awkward but nice and polite - baby steps :) No no no. Turns out mum had told her what I had said earlier today and she was phoning to give me advice on how to get better. This I did not want or need. I totally appreciate it, I am very grateful of course and I am still glad that she rang because it was still a proper conversation between the two of us.... but it was all about me. I feel sick after talking about me for so long. I feel like I'm in the hot seat when I am being asked about things, I am not used to it at all! I think that is mainly because it is family and I care very strongly about their judgement and what they think of me.

I wish this didn't make me angry. I know she means well, but she tends to sound fairly condescending when giving advice. 'I've been there too', 'I understand', 'I don't think medication is the right way',  'Other people go through this for years and years and get through', 'Remember to breathe' - these are not words of comfort in my mind. I know what she is trying to say, but what I am hearing is 'Stop acting like a victim', 'Other people get over it, stop playing the martyr'. The most comforting thing she said over the phone was that she knew it was really difficult. That was the best thing she said. I don't want any more advice on how to get through, I've been told the same techniques and tips for a long time now. I just need people to say 'We know you are finding this tough, but we are here for you', 'You can talk to me', 'You are strong', words of encouragement and support, not tips on deep breathing or making sure I don't skip meals.

She is my sister, I love her very much and I want our relationship to be back to how it used to be. I would love it if she would ring and just say 'I know you are finding it a challenge, but you are coping better than you think. You will always have your sister.'