Not as eventful a day as planned :/

I gave myself a treat today: I stayed in bed most of the day, doing work on my laptop curled up. It totally worked! I mean I didn't get TONS done, but I wrote a few hundred words which is great :)

I am still very much behind in terms of the targets I've set myself, but doing my best not to panic and get worked up. I have my favourite youtuber on in the background now, they're on a playlist so they are going round and round which I really like :P

It's almost the weekeeeeend! Most people would look forward to the weekend, but Monday's are my longest, most horrible day of the week! I haven't made any youtube videos for 2 weeks and it sucks, because it's been my only hobby to keep me up and running and looking presentable! I missed one though - I try to upload every Tuesday and Friday - and after that I thought 'Well, I don't exactly have a lot of loyal subscribers at this point anyway'. I will pick it back up when I feel like I can. I intended to today, but I also intended to meditate and have a showerrr and cook something from scratch for at least one of my meals: NONE OF THAT. Woop, well done Jess, you unproductive, lazy thing.

Bugger... I didn't take my medication today. Oh sugar, I'd better take it now before I forget completely!

Would I care if I failed?!

I am sooo shattered lately. I've been out like a light by 10:30, which is great actually, I get lots of sleep. I wish I could sleep all day every day frankly. I'm yawning my head off already! I'm not complaining at all, this is great :D

I feel like I am starting to drown. My anxiety is not at a good level though, every time I think about upcoming deadlines and presentations I can feel myself struggling to breathe.

I desperately need a cat.

 

 

After seeing the GP yesterday, I've filled in some forms at uni if it can make my remaining deadlines manageable and I don't get myself worked up into a state. That didn't used to be so much of a problem, except since I've started failing things and not caring about it as much as I thought I would, it seems a lot easier to fail on a bigger scale. Maybe I wouldn't care if I failed the year, I don't know.

Do I deserve help?

I had an appointment with my doctor this morning and while I was waiting, I saw some elderly patients struggling to walk around. I felt this massive wave of guilt wash over me - I suddenly started to think I am wasting my doctor's time, I don't have anything physically life-threatening, none of my limbs are soon to drop off. There are probably lots of other people who need to see a doctor but have to wait longer. I mentioned how I felt to my doctor as soon as I went in to see her and she immediately said she disagreed and I have just a right to seek help as anyone else does, which did make me feel much better but that will probably stay at the back of my mind every time I go to the doctors now.

I told her I've been just as before, struggling and overall malfunctioning at every angle - got some fails for the first time in my education, my low moods are getting worrying and I feel like my throat is either closing up or the pills are stuck in my throat and won't go down. I do need to rethink about possibly going back to counselling - I will see someone else this time than the last one, she really didn't suit me at all and made me feel worse! For most of the academic year, I have been seeing my GP around once a month, but at the moment it will be fortnightly because of my current change in medication and the big dip I've had. We knew it was a possibility that I would be all over the pace in the side effects period, but we have to be careful in case it is not the right kind for me.

I know that I need help, but lately I've just given up. I've stopped trying to help myself because I'm just too tired. I feel like I have been fighting against my own brain for so many years and I am just tired. I haven't been eating properly, I've been drinking tons of water though and my sleep patterns are good so it isn't all bad!

The blurry glow at the end of the tunnel

Rounding off February this week - it has whizzed by!
I do hope the next few months go by the same way.

A presentation next week that I have done nothing for, a report due the following week then 2 BEAST deadlines within 2 days of each other at the end of March. I'm sure there are many students who are dealing with more than me, I'm not saying I am under the hardest pressure in all of studentdom! As I am sure I have said before, everyone deals differently and can handle different levels of pressure and such, so I am sensing that I am reaching my limit and I am fighting with it this year. However, I am pretty scared of not studying anymore in case this doesn't ease up. Obviously, there is tension between me and my family members, so moving back home... I don't see it as the light at the end of the tunnel. There is no light because I don't know where I'm going! At the end of my tunnel I see....I don't know, a blurry glow?

Feeling Welcome

I don't know exactly what someone has to do for me to feel accepted by them. I guess for them to be willing to give me a hug or sit next to me. Little things. I have difficult, awkward relationships with most people because there are certain things that don't compute in my head. If someone is the teasing kind, I will feel like a child bullied at school for their lunch money. I can't take a joke - my family have always said that I am too sensitive and I should lighten up. Thank you, how nice!

I have never been able to take a joke, I just can't laugh at myself. Do I have too much pride? Am I being overly defensive? I suppose since I have a tendency to feel people feel differently towards me than they are willing to show, if someone appears to like me but they also tease, that in my mind says 'They don't like me after all. They don't want me in their life.' It seems that the teasing shows their true side and it is their way of unleashing some honesty while seeming to most people that it is kindly meant. Teasing is never kindly meant surely, I just don't understand!

I don't feel welcome anywhere lately.

 

Sometimes, I become invisible. Out of choice, ultimately at times when I feel I've been pushing my limits and the people I am with are close to biting my head off with anger. I cant' shake off the feeling that people find me annoying, especially when they are naturally quiet people. I can be really chatty, sing along to songs and stuff, but if those I'm with are not the same I feel sooo rude!! I try to keep my mouth shut a lot more, but it probably still looks like I never shut up :/ Invisible mode makes me feel that I will be more accepted if I am silent. My boyfriend instantly notices and thinks something is wrong, he is so in tune with my behaviour. I am so lucky and grateful every day that I have him , because my mind relaxes the most with his company, I trust more in what he says.

Not meant for Studentdom.

I planned for a really productive day today. Always a mistake when I make grand, positive day plans like that, it hardly ever actually goes like that and then I either start to panic/feel crap about myself/punish myself/cry/wallow in chocolate/all of the above.

I wanted to do at least a section of my scientific paper today as well as go on campus for an informational talk on worry and how to manage it and hand in a piece of coursework (due for Friday).
Well 2 of those I technically did. I went to the talk session, but it never took place. There was a few of us and gradually as time went on people started to leave. No idea what happened, but really gutted because I thought it would have really helped me! While on campus, I printed off my coursework and handed that in - plus points for that :) and it was raining so I am pleased that I left the flat frankly.

The dissertation work DID NOT happen. I have been doing anything but - classic procrastination techniques coming into play. Suddenly, I really wanted to do some youtube editing, I made some audio recordings of me singing - I think I sound awful, but others might like it? The hours just flew by and not a single word written for my paper. I am not meant for studentdom. I started packing for my few days away. I think my brain has already left, maybe that's why I can't tap into work mode today. I might get something written if I really try to apply myself after having some dinner :) I haven't put it in front of me and knuckled down so I will see if that technique works and I just need to shove my face into my laptop! Wish my luck.

I NEED A BREAK! / Sister

I need a break soooooo BAAAAAAAAD!
I swear my head is going to either explode or lop off and roll away.

Going away for a few days tomorrow and it could not come sooner!! I desperately need to forget about everything for a while, if I said I was drowning in deadlines and stress that would be an understatement. Uhhhh breathe Jess, breeeeathe.

I'm still annoyed about what my sister said - I was browsing youtube, one of my favourite 'places', and came across this video rant one of my favourite youtubers made. It was about a different subject, but what she was saying was pretty much exactly how I was feeling about my sister's phone call. She was saying things like 'If I want your help, I will ask for it' and 'You think I don't already know what you're saying to me?!', it all resonated with me. The video was about fitness 'snobs' who love to give people advice here there and everywhere about how to better themselves. IT SOUNDS SO SUPERIOR!! It really does, you know what I said to my learning support worker yesterday? I ranted to her about the call and mentioned how my sister does everything first, even being mentally ill for goodness sake! Telling me that she's been there too does the absolute opposite effect than she intends it to. I thought she always was kind of aware of how I compared myself to her and how I feel next to her, but I guess if she did she wouldn't say that. I don't know :/ Even if my sister doesn't know, my mum sure as heck does! I sound so utterably evil.

Last night when I was lying in bed, I came up with a really good idea: I am going to write up a list of the things that I have done first to remind myself of my own identity and that I am more than my sister's shadow different to my sister. Maybe I should stick it on my wall so I can look at it every day and remember that I am taking my own path. Good idea me :)

Frustrated with family

The past couple of days have been very emotional.
After coming across the image of my trauma by accident on the internet, as I explained in my previous post, I had an incredibly emotional night last night. It happened on Saturday, but I was hunky dory in the arms of my man, but Sunday I was by myself. I honestly thought I was fine, but it spiralled very quickly into a panic attack. Before I knew it, I had combined my trauma with this girl who I can't stand and clash with very badly.

I started to imagine her chaining me down and forcing me to rewatch the horror film, she would gradually get closer to me with the face instead of her own, she was saying she would kill me in my sleep, when I least expected it, just when I was starting to think it was going away. I was up until about 1, but that isn't really that bad for me looking at the bigger picture. After a short night and a very long day at uni today (9 til 6), I just wanted to relax with my favourite youtubers and some online browsing in my pyjamas.

Rewinding for a minute: Partway through my day, I received a small coursework piece back that was the first fail I've ever had. I can't redo it but it can be made up for. This is irrelevant. The pressure I put on myself to keep things up and not fail anything is not really healthy, I put unrealistic goals on myself so I don't think much of my own intelligence. So I was SOOO upset about it, I spoke to my lecturer for just a split second, I was trying to explain that it wasn't my doing, I did everything I could - there were technical problems and stuff. I wanted to cry my eyes out but I was with my friend and the class is fairly big, about 60 I think?

I was texting all my closest - boyfriend and my support enablers, saying I wanted to quite studying, I am sick of this pressure, blablabla. Each with their own take, but all replied saying I am capable of finishing. The work itself I can do - but in the student environment? No. I can get my head around the content and all, but I buckle under the deadline conflicts and pressure and revision and just generally how the academic year is designed to test you. Although I think I feel like I began the year already feeling beaten - I didn't want to do a third year, can you blame me?! It was necessary, not a desire of mine. So in the lunch break, I got the chance to ring my mum and blurt everything out over the phone - feeling rubbish, panic attack, wanting to end it all (yes I admitted that to my mother), wanting to quit yada yada yada. I got through the rest of the day and even stayed an extra hour with my friend to get ahead on our assignment - our lecturer was still there if anyone needed help and we thought we would take advantage for at least a bit longer. Very proud of myself for that I have to say :)

I didn't expect what happened when I got back to my flat. My sister called me. I looked at my phone and couldn't believe it. Maybe someone else was borrowing her phone or something? So I picked up, deciding that this was a great thing to happen because it will have been the first time she has properly spoken to me in months! I thought 'Yes! Mum spoke to her about how I want our sisterhood back to normal and I miss her.' That wasn't quite what happened. I was expecting her to briefly ask how I was, that it would be a mutual catch up, a little awkward but nice and polite - baby steps :) No no no. Turns out mum had told her what I had said earlier today and she was phoning to give me advice on how to get better. This I did not want or need. I totally appreciate it, I am very grateful of course and I am still glad that she rang because it was still a proper conversation between the two of us.... but it was all about me. I feel sick after talking about me for so long. I feel like I'm in the hot seat when I am being asked about things, I am not used to it at all! I think that is mainly because it is family and I care very strongly about their judgement and what they think of me.

I wish this didn't make me angry. I know she means well, but she tends to sound fairly condescending when giving advice. 'I've been there too', 'I understand', 'I don't think medication is the right way',  'Other people go through this for years and years and get through', 'Remember to breathe' - these are not words of comfort in my mind. I know what she is trying to say, but what I am hearing is 'Stop acting like a victim', 'Other people get over it, stop playing the martyr'. The most comforting thing she said over the phone was that she knew it was really difficult. That was the best thing she said. I don't want any more advice on how to get through, I've been told the same techniques and tips for a long time now. I just need people to say 'We know you are finding this tough, but we are here for you', 'You can talk to me', 'You are strong', words of encouragement and support, not tips on deep breathing or making sure I don't skip meals.

She is my sister, I love her very much and I want our relationship to be back to how it used to be. I would love it if she would ring and just say 'I know you are finding it a challenge, but you are coping better than you think. You will always have your sister.'

On top of work!

I am on a mini ROLL!
My friends have helped me out with coursework pieces and all I have to do now is finish writing them up :D the past couple of days have been a blessing!

I am feeling like most things are doable now, so I have to make the most of this motivational push and do as much work as I can while it doesn't feel like as much effort.

Had a brush with the image yesterday - was just browsing facebook and it was part of some meme type thing, I don't know what they're called. Hit me like a ton of bricks and I froze. Thankfully my boyfriend was round. I curled up into a ball under my desk and he came over and knew what I'd seen. He soon got me up and I curled into bed like a prawn watching him play games on his laptop.

Everything on top of me

Aaaah I want to cry!
With so much to do, I've spent today just trying to understand, going to lecture notes, audio recordings, excel spreadsheets, but the longer I try to work through it, the less I understand! I want to give up so bad right now, just sticking with a FSc qualification sounds all hunky dory right now - I never really wanted to do a third year anyway, it was more down to a sense of obligation.

My mum works in admin in a university careers sector, so she knows what she's talking about. She's taught me that the third year is what adds value to my qualification, a foundation degree alone would not stand for much in comparison. That is the only reason I am here. If it was up to me, maybe I would volunteer in more charity shops or go into retail, become a puppy walker, get some pet/training experience, have my own place. I hope some of this will happen one day. I'm not feeling too hopeful right now - I am beyond the up-to-my-eyeballs-in-work point, I've reached a stage where I feel numb and defeated, because sadly that is the most calming state of mind in the student environment for me. I actually feel happier about things when I feel whatever it is has beaten me, because the pressure doesn't seem to be there and I feel I can breathe, take a minute to relax.

So many deadlines!

I'm feeling so much pressure right now but no work is manifesting. I'm finding some reports really difficult to understand in the first place, let alone write, I have so little time for some of them. I feel in such a panic, I don't know what to do. There isn't enough hours in the day lately it seems, but I think I will be having early starts and working long and hard til I punch some of these deadlines out. I just hope I can get some sleep.

I made a youtube video about my mental health last night and it is uploading right now. I am soooo terrified if anyone I know sees it and what they will think, if they will be surprised or behave differently around me from now on. It is a big thing to admit and my family, if they knew, would probably say it was a crazy, stupid thing to do. Funny way to be supportive - everything I do is wrong! If any of my friends watch it and just not mention it to me, I would be very grateful, I think that would make me feel like life goes on. Very dramatic I know, but this is what I mean - people's perceptions of others can be greatly affected when they know of certain hardships.

I'm scared. I hope no one thinks I am faking - that has been a worry of mine all the time I've been depressed, how I view myself is directly through how I think others see me. I have no self-esteem because I don't give myself the chance, I have never valued my own opinion. My boyfriend is wonderful at making me feel good about myself and he does that for me every day which I will forever be thankful for :)

I'm so scared I'm going to fail my BSc at the last hurdle; I only have a few months left, less than 2 months of lessons!

Others pain or my own?

I've been watching a lot of Long Lost Family the past couple of days. I knew about it about a year ago and had watched quite a few, then totally forgot about it. Such a wonderful, meaningful programme. I see relatives meet either for the first time ever or after decades being apart and they just look so happy to be together. One girl disappeared from home at 22 when she moved out and her 2 sisters eventually were reunited with her 13 years later. That story really resonated with me, I thought 'Would my sister look for me? Would she even want to see me?!' Right now I don't think she would.

My relationship with my parents is much healthier when my sister isn't there and I wish that wasn't the truth, but after all these years comparing myself to my sister and feeling that I live in her shadow, when she isn't there I'm in the light, I feel seen. If she ever read this, she would be furious with me, she'd be resentful that I think this way, in a sense that would make things worse but what am I supposed to do?

It seems my options are either be open and honest and cause friction between us or keep myself to myself, isolate myself from my family with increasing pain inside. Before the big summer argument, I didn't want to talk to them because I thought it would do exactly what it did, which only makes me feel even more strongly that in future it is probably best never to try to explain or talk about my condition and how I'm handling it, never turn to them for help that was to do with my mental health.

If I ever mention it to my mum, I can feel her glaze over across the phone, like she's deliberately walled off so she can't hear what I'm saying, It is very frustrating!! I know she cannot empathise and that it is difficult not knowing what to say, but the most important thing for me is that my family acknowledge it, maybe read around it. It is easier to deal with when it isn't a taboo subject. Avoidance makes it seem 10x bigger.

Side effects / Video

Well, changing my medication is already taking an effect cause I'm pretty sure I am experiencing some side effects already - only on my second day with these! When I first moved to uni, for the first couple of months I cried and cried whenever my boyfriend had to leave which isn't really like me, but I was at my lowest. I cried again today, just like I used to which made me think it must be the medication change. Which is a good realisation, really. I think it'll be fine after a couple of weeks and the side effects wear off :)

I keep wondering whether to make a video about all this and upload it onto my youtube channel. It would be pretty deep and probably too depressing for people, but there's this stigma that everyone avoids and I can't help but feel it needs to be addressed. Thing is, I have friends who watch my videos and I am scared of everyone I know to find out. A couple of my friends know I am anxious, some know of my PTSD but only my best friend and boyfriend know of my depression. It's like it is in a category all of its own, the other conditions aren't too difficult for me to tell people about. I will keep thinking about it.

Sleep / Workload

It has been a couple of days since I posted because it has been a bit hectic and I haven't had the opportunity to blog.

I'm trying to structure when I think about work/worry/get stressed and it is actually working quite well. I let myself get on with work if I can until 7 at the latest, then have dinner with a movie usually. Around 9 I turn off all electronics and read in bed til I fall asleep with some gentle music in the background. This has worked brilliantly for me. I am making time for my brain to shut down and zone out, I think it puts me in a better mental state and I am sleeping through the night again, yay! :)

Crushing workload as usual on my mind, but I am trying to do a little at a time so I am doing okay. I'm not behind or failing anything so I'm still on the good side of things! I just hope it stays that way. I am not an A* student, but I'm not an A* procrastinator either, I do try. Sometimes though I wake up and it is like I am made of brick and won't move for anything. Getting out of bed can be very difficult, especially if I have to go out. I feel like inside I am okay, free from my troubles and don't have any challenges to face. All of those are outside so I do like to stay in as much as possible. I don't go round friends' houses to hang out, I only see them in lessons. My boyfriend comes to the flat to see me and if people come over by chance, I will see them then.

Putting things off / Mum

I have tip-toed around work all day.

All I have done is finished my photography portfolio for Friday, done a little revision and found some literature journal pieces for my dissertation paper. Now that I'm writing it, that actually isn't too bad :) I honestly thought I hadn't done anything. I could do more of course. Little by little though, since my attention span doesn't even last 10 minutes.

Our dissertations are expected to be around 6000-7000 words long and I have 2 months. I have created the document, done the formatting part so I have my heading, headers/footers, table of contents jazz. In my mind that is procrastinating because I'm not technically writing my paper.

Things are looking up when it comes to family. Sister still isn't talking to me even though mum tries to assure me she will. We'll see at Easter. I have been talking to mum over the phone more often though, so I am feeling good about that :)

Meds

Today is so freezing, the winds are strong as anything - even my curtains are swaying!

It has been mixed moods today, although that's not unusual. Had a one hour lecture this morning which was fine, then spent a few hours with my learning support to crack on with some work which was time well spent :)

Went to the doctors this afternoon, I should know all the staff by their first names by now I show up so much, every 4 weeks or so. I have been thinking for a while to change my medication because I don't feel at all stable like I should be. There is a possible higher dosage but we agreed that we thought if it was the right kind of medication, I would be feeling some benefits now anyway. So after our chat, we've switched my prescriptions from Setraline to.... I have my slip right here but I can't read it ha, well I'm changing it to Prozac. The most commonly prescribed medication for this kind of thing, it should calm me down which I am very much looking forward to.

I have to take antibiotics for some infection as well, ughh.. oh well, after 5 days that'll be ticked off the list. Feeling generally okay though now :)

Aaargh

I am sooooo fed up of studying!!

Tired of all these deadlines upon deadlines upon revision upon even more deadlines, then loads of pressure, a high achieving sister, some more revision... uuuughhh. My head feels it is about to explode with worry, how am I supposed to get all my deadlines done?!

I have to get about 40 more online responses to some online questionnaires in a fortnight, create some maps on ArcMap by Sunday, create a photographic portfolio by Friday, create a report on ecology population growth matrices data in 3 weeks, write up a scientific paper and much more.

I KNOW, I AM LUCKY TO HAVE WHAT I HAVE.

I am not ungrateful. I can't stand it when people try to tell me I should cherish what I have, I do.

Brainache and attention

I feel pretty darn tired after today. I have been in a computer room 9 til 5 (in front of 2 screens each), creating maps and analysing data. Everything was new to us and although I feel I got my head around the majority of the day's learning, I have serious brainache! I am not letting myself feel defeated already though, I can't right now.

Mum rang me yesterday, it was a nice chat. We did talk about what I'll do after uni, me worrying about it so much, the puppy walking I hope to do, my studies, spending time together, just us two. The thing is, because my mum and sister are so alike, I don't get any alone time with mum because whatever we do, it would be enjoyable for my sister as well. I don't mind that, I don't want to deprive my sister from family time, but she's had plenty while I've been away, is it mean for me to want my mum to myself on the odd occasion?! We giggled about it on the phone - I am glad it came across lightly - I can't recall us spending time together just the two of us since we went on holiday (a treat from my grandpa) to Tenerife.... in 2011! I don't want it to be a competition, but that is how it has always felt:

mum and sister vs dad and I

 

Besides, soon after my mum and sister went on holiday together to Greece, so they got their time too. It seems like I don't want my mum's attention, but it's not like that at all, of course I do! I'm just not very cuddly wuddly, whereas my sister is 25 and would still happily curl up on my mum's lap. I'm not that touchy feely, so compared to my sister my mum thinks I'm a cold fish. I would like attention in a different way. I would want to turn to my mum with any problems and chat to her and have mum listen and try to understand. That alone would make me feel more connected. Feeling misunderstood in your own family home is a terrible thing.

Things getting done :)

My boyfriend picked me up from a terrible dip yesterday. I was sitting in front of a fan heater on the floor, glancing at my work calendar chart on the wall and my eyes started to well up. He came down to sit next to me and let me cry and talk it out. It really helped and I felt better afterwards :) yay!

Today I am feeling really good about my work. Determined for it to be a productive day, I sat at my desk and wrote a few hundred words for a coursework piece. I started to get bored, so I've got on one of my favourite sitcoms as background and I've switched to a different piece to switch things up. Did a little on that, then had some nibbles. I'm just taking a break for a short while and I will get right back on it.

Good mood: check!

A Noisy World / Future / Medication

Why is everything so noisy and loud?

I don't belong in a city, I belong in the countryside, where everything is a drive away and instead of cars zooming down the road 24/7 there's the occasional horse riders or mail van. If I could, I would have a job where I could work at home with my pets around me (if I ever get any) and things that make me happy. I make my home environment my sanctuary, so anywhere else is not so nice.

I would hate to work in an office. I would love to work at Guide Dogs' National Breeding Centre or one of their four training schools, but they are so far away from everything I know. I would be fine with that if I at least knew someone, I can handle living somewhere new and away from home, but if I was entirely alone and didn't know anyone I don't think I would like that. I know I would hopefully get on well and maybe become friends with colleagues, but I moved somewhere with my boyfriend and lived somewhere that is good for both of us, that would make me so happy.

I've been quite neglectful of my medication, I keep missing the odd day! Most days I do remember but sometimes it just slips my mind! Silly memory :P