BUGGED

Feeling: Irritable
Watching: Criminal Minds

Annoyed at everything

I don't want to do anything today, I feel annoyed by almost everything. Oh god, I hate it when these days come along, I get nothing done and I hurt everyone. My therapist used to say (I don't see her anymore) that you can counter that feeling, no matter how overwhelming, by just doing something you know you enjoy without thinking about it.

There's no logic

Many people, I'm sure, don't understand the situation of having to force yourself to do something enjoyable rather than sinking into that hopelessness. That probably doesn't sound like a struggle, but mental illness isn't logical. In the past, people have tried to reason with me, as if it'll click something into place and I'll be back to being me. I wish.

What did I used to be like?

I've tried to remember what I was like before my depression, but it is getting harder and harder to visualise as time goes by. What I do remember is.... I think I was bubbly, pretty talkative, an extrovert, people thought I was funny. I was bright during the time of my GCSEs, a quick thinker in most subjects and I enjoyed studying then.

I loved dance so much, all kinds of dance. I would watch ballets and smile dreamily at the romanticism of it all, listen to music and picture me doing a contemporary routine to it in an empty dance studio. I still do that when I listen to music.

*closed my eyes and listened to the seagulls and songbirds outside*

* * * * *

I've gotten better after talking to my mum on the phone a couple of times and nudging towards doing some cross stitch. I haven't done that much, but I am really proud of myself for not lying on my bed all day :)

The highlight of my day was having a lovely time with my neighbour's cat - she's adorable, she's gotten used to me now and actually follows me around which is so cute! When she's happy, she purrs like an engine :D

MOOD SHUT DOWN

Feeling: Low
Watching: Great Canal Journeys (on iPlayer)

I don't really know what happened this afternoon. I got things done this morning which were important, but then I just kind of... lost it.

It was like I'd been struck and my happy mood spilled out and I was left hollow, lying on the sofa, staring lifelessly at the tv. I felt numb, nothing happened, I just snapped.

Anyway, with a full tummy and a nice TV programme, I feel slightly better but I'm still a bit pissed..... at nothing.

Still, my highlight of the day was getting one step closer to working at a nearby primary school - I have to be patient to wait for forms to come through, but I'm excited nonetheless :)

FUN EASTER THINGS FOR LITTLE ONES

Are you doing anything this Easter? Try some of these!

1. Stage a chocolate egg treasure hunt.
2. Colour some craft foam eggs.
3. Painting.
4. Make a bunny mask.
5. Nibble on carrot sticks (worth a try)
6. Easter dress up
7. Go on a nature walk
8. Give nature a home
9. Make some rice krispies bird nests

MOTHER'S DAY PREP

Feeling: Sloppy
Listening to: BBC Radio 2

Right, today is choc-a-block with plans and hopefully everything will go smoothly. I am baking a gorgeous lemon and orange custard tart for Mother's Day tomorrow and I have to make it today because it needs 7 hours to chill! At least that won't catch me by surprise like the first time I made it! I swear, I wanted to cry.

Then I have the joyous task of hair removal for the afternoon *sigh* maybe that's TMI, but hey, it's my blog xD it takes me forever and a half to do, so when it's on the list I assign almost a day for it!

Onward and upward, let's get on with it. Oh, and I haven't taken my meds today yet, better get onto that or I'll be in the worst mood and snap at everyone.

WORK IT!

Feeling: Run down, but motivated

Today I am really going to get on top of this postgrad stuff. I have almost finished one application form and will do another straight after. I need to make a clear checklist of the evidence I need to send with my forms like photocopies of qualifications, ID, things like that.

So far, I'm feeling good! Hopefully I can start writing my personal statement as well, even bullet points would be a start. I'm definitely one of those people who struggles most when a blank sheet is staring back at you.

Stare back.

Write date and name in the header.

'Right, time for a cup of tea.'

If you remember, I have that chat at the primary school around the corner this afternoon. GUUUUHH! It's 5 hours away, so why do I feel like I have no time to do anything?

SOFABOUND

Feeling: Phlegmy
Watching: RuPaul's Drag Race

Getting there *sniffles* uugh. A repeat of yesterday, but definitely one step closer to getting better. I'd better not be coughing and spluttering my way through my chat tomorrow at the school :/

Right, onto my teacher training application...

* * * * *

Okay good, I've contacted every course provider I am interested in on entry requirements - because I have an ordinary degree rather than an honours - so I'm really chuffed with myself! It's a crucial move I had to make to be sure where I would stand a chance of getting into. It might seem obvious to do that, but I might have just applied which wouldn't have been smart.

GETTING BETTER!

Feeling: On the slow mend
Watching: Hello, Dolly!

I love this film so much :) it just fills me with happiness and I feel so much healthier watching the dance numbers.

Pretty sure I'll be almost back to normal by Friday afternoon (when I have my Primary School interview). I need to email my day nursery to rearrange my experience dates/times, then just focus on getting better.

Lots of tea, Pyjamas. Nibbles. Cross stitch.

Let's get me back on track.

HELLO CHEST INFECTION

Feeling: So rubbish
Watching: AprilJustinTV

Cup of tea. Check.

Mum's floofy dressing gown. Check.

TV remote: Check.

Netflix. Check (as of yesterday, exciting!)

I rang the nursery so, of course, not able to go in. I am going to have to ring them to arrange different dates in a few weeks to continue my work experience later, once I'm back to normal.

Bath trip

Will I feel well enough? I don't knoooow. If I do, I'll make sure to wrap up with scarves and layers, which is the easy part. We wouldn't leave until mid afternoon, so I have time to watch some tv and just rest on the sofa before deciding.

Dad's tone

Since dad will be driving me, the worry is holding onto my nerves. The thing with my papi is the way he communicates can be very aggravating, he's got an accusing tone of voice all the time. In Italy, all conversation is pretty aggressive sounding, but it's normal, so in the UK, he sounds angry nearly all the time! He just doesn't hear it, but it aggravates the rest of us, because he is probably just making an observation or giving advice, but it sounds very...stabby.

Ooooh I just remembered I have a thick slice of cake waiting for me....

OUT OF ORDER

Feeling: Rubbish
Watching: Supervet (on 4od)

NO MORE NURSERY?

I've been under the weather since Friday and sadly I've had to stay away from the day nursery. On Friday, I only had a sore throat, but my voice has almost completely gone now and I think a chest infection is developing.

This is nerve-racking, at first I was getting upset because I was panicking about making a good impression at the day nursery. Due to my qualifications, my work experience is my golden ticket to get into teacher training and I need a sparkling reference.

Of course, I've told the nursery I will stay longer to make up for the days I'm off sick, although I was intending to extend my work experience there anyway.

Hopefully I will have built up my classroom immunity by the time I (maybe) start in Reception!

Big trip cancelled?

Tomorrow is supposed to be an important day, because there's an information evening for my No.1 teaching course option and it would have meant a bit of a drive there, a 2 hour talk, then a drive home. Plus, my dad would be driving and I don't know how calm I would stay! I am thinking I won't be well enough to go back to the nursery in the morning, but I was still intending to go to the info evening. My mum doesn't think it's a good idea though :/ I guess we'll just see how I feel in the morning.

My highlight of the day was having a nice, little chat with my guy and having my neighbour's cat curl up on my lap and purr purr purr away after I fed her dinner :D

PRIMARY SCHOOL EXPERIENCE?

EEEEEE!

I might have got into a local primary school - literally a 5 minute walk - for some work experience in Reception! YAAAYYY!

It isn't time to celebrate yet, I haven't definitely got it yet. I am meeting up with the Reception teacher next Friday after school's over for a chat - I hope I make a good impression. I got in touch with another primary school and if I don't hear from them soon, I will continue at the day nursery. Then hopefully (if I can manage it) I will spend Mon-Weds in Reception and Thurs-Fri at the day nursery :)

So the highlight of my day was getting further into my postgraduate ucas application and that I plucked up the nerve to ring a couple of local primary schools. I'm so pleased that I got a response at all!

Younger or smaller?

I'm sick of all this crap! I have to get out of this house - as in move out. Going for a little 10 minute walk isn't going to do anything, I'll only feel like this again in the future.

I am going to be as brutally honest as I like, because I can and I need to get this out of my system. I wish I didn't have a sister. I carry a pot of resentment around with me towards her because I have always had an overwhelming feeling of she is no.1 and I am no.2 and that's just because I'm the secondborn. Nothing can be done about that, so I will always have this anger in my chest.

The truth is I am really happy around just my parents, I feel considered and present and part of the family, but when my sister walks in she automatically fills in the perfect, mature daughter role and there isn't room for me :'( maybe the cause of all of this is low self-esteem in myself, but it's grown over the years. My irritability starts to heat up and comes out in spikes, which doesn't make me feel better and actually makes me look even more childish.

They don't need me, she has all the daughter qualities, whereas I'm just a jagged crack in the family portrait. They of course deny it, but I continue to feel the same way.When she isn't around I feel like I have the opportunity to show what I can do, that I can be responsible and caring and things, but she comes in and I automatically back away into the shadows. My therapist asked why I back away. It's quite a dramatic, explosive house and if I tried like I do when she's away, we'd both be fighting over the same spot.

I want to be number 1 for my parents sometimes, but it doesn't happen because no matter what I do, my sister has done more because she is five years older. It should be just a matter-of-fact thing, and being a younger sibling probably doesn't bother most people, but for some reason it holds a lot of horrible emotions for me. Maybe I confuse the word 'younger' for 'smaller'.

*sniffles* maybe I've erupted because I've had a hectic week in a new, crazy environment and I need rest.

NO DAY NURSERY: DAY 5 / RUN DOWN

Feeling: Okay

Don't feel well

I've got horrible aching in my lower jaw right at the back, ow :( I'll try to find some gel or something to try to numb the area before I go to the day nursery. Ooooowwwww! I'm not feeling too well anyway. I'll see how I feel in a little bit and if I don't feel much better, I'll call the nursery.

Change of plans

I decided not to worry about looking at places during Easter, it's too early, especially considering I haven't even sent my application yet, let alone got a response from anywhere yet.

* * * * *

So run dooown today, I don't think going out today is a good idea. I'll ring the nursery and then plan a productive day inside, so I'll take it easier but still use the day wisely. Let's see what I can get done today:

Shower/Get dressed

Book easter train to boyfriend's (yay!)

Complete day nursery forms

Major tidy up
Work on cross stitch pieces

Any in terms of my Postgraduate application, I have to:

Start my personal statement

Add work experience on UCAS Teacher Training application

Organise references

Log work experience completed

Ring local Primary schools for more work experience

I think that's enough *yawn* time for a chocolate digestive...

#WORLDBOOKDAY!

Are you dressing up today? YOU SHOULD!

Dress up as a characters from a book you love, it's easy! Okay so, really the fun is all for the kids, but who stick to the rules!!

Here's some inspirational photos for you!

DAY NURSERY: DAY 4! PRESCHOOL / KITTYSITTING

Feeling: Irritable

Looking forward to going this afteroon. My sister has been away for a couple of days for work and now that she's back, I've coiled back into my shadow, trying to avoid her. To be fair, I am being sensible trying to stay away from people who don't make me feel good, it just so happens that we're related.

At least it's motivation to get the day going. I've got to wash my hair and get ready this morning, so I'll hop away in a second. Oh, more forms to fill in too :P

KITTY LOVE!

My neighbours are going on holiday for a couple of weeks and I'm going to be taking care of their cat for them! She's so gorgeous, she's black with white socks, but I've only ever seen her as a total fraidy cat.

Sadly, she gets tormented by this other really fluffy girl and they get into territory scraps whenever the fluffy one sees her which is horrible but it's just how cats are isn't it!

Apparently she's totally different in the house and she likes cuddles, so I think in the evenings after feeding her, I'll cuddle with her in front of their TV. I asked if I could do that and they are so nice, they've even given me some money as a thank you for looking after her, she's their baby :) so cute.

I just hope she warms to me after a while.

* * * * *

Naturally, I am so totally knackered. It's definitely a solution to insomnia, I tell you! We're going to have one of my favourite meals tonight: cheese and onion. It's in like a mashed up form and you put it in bread and butter, it's sooooo good.

Glittery dress up

My afternoon was fun, I really enjoyed it but I'm nervous now about my chances of getting into a course. I'll still try :) today we made some mother's day cards with paint and glitter - tons of glitter - we played games outside, I told some stories from books that the kids brought in - since it's World Book Day - and they were so excited! They were all dressed up too! We had some Elsas, a lion (cub), some spidermen, superman, other princesses, they all looked so sweet. Of course, they were in and out of their outfits throughout the afternoon...

A cold accent?

A lady who works in the Pre-school part, I'm not sure where she's from, but she's eastern european I think and reminds me of a boss I had years ago. She was horrible and I just hear a coldness in the accent now. That probably sounds ignorant. She is nice and really great with the little ones, but something about the accent, I don't know. Maybe it's just me, I'm putting my old bosses voice into someone else's :/

The highlight of my day is being comfortable enough with the kids to improvise and teach them about different animals around the world. I felt really proud to pass on fun facts and get them interested in animals :)

My hands smell of chalk uuhh..

DAY NURSERY: DAY 3 / GIVING BLOOD

Feeling: Overwhelmed
Watching: AprilJustinTV (youtube channel)

I don't feel nervous as such, maybe only with particular tasks like nappy changing, but otherwise I feel like I'm settling in.

So much information!

Last night and this morning though, I'm worrying about remembering everything, My brain feels like it's going to explode if I try to take in any more information! I mean some information is in folders and on the walls and stuff, but there's a lot to absorb and the thing is, most people who go here for work experience stay for months so they have more time to absorb and go over everything, but I - at the moment - only have 2 weeks there. I still need to ring my own primary school to see if I can help in Reception for a couple of weeks, then I will have covered the whole Early Years Foundation Stage! :)

Giving bloooooood

Right, let's see how today goes. Oh yeah, I'm giving blood tonight - my 3rd donation :) you need to have a full stomach when you go and I don't have time to walk home from the nursery and grab something, so I'll have to prepare something to take with me this afternoon. Maybe I'll ask my mentor if I can leave just before 5 so I definitely make it, I'm sure she'll be fine with that :)

* * * * *

Growing confidence

I'm feeling that little bit more integrated and used to the day nursery environment. Pretty knackered, I imagine it would take a while for me to build up my energy and stamina for the little ones! Yes I was only there for half the day, but we had 13 babies today in total. That's a lot of noise, a lot of escapees and a lot of nappy changes (that I so gratefully was spared the task of)! It wasn't as bad as I expected and I'm really pleasantly surprised that the tantrums and screams haven't bothered me at all since I started at the nursery.

Giving blood went fairly smoothly. There's always a fair bit of waiting time and strangely my blood was low in iron, but just enough to allow me to donate, which I was relieved about because it gives me such a great feeling after donating!

The highlight of my day was preventing some baby meltdowns and doing my third blood donation :) looking forward to curling up in my cosy bed now.

Goodnight Xx

DAY NURSERY: DAY 2! 3MTHS - 2YRS

Feeling: Little bit nervous
Watching: AprilJustinTV (youtube channel)

I'm feeling less nervous than yesterday, I hope I'm upstairs again because I want to get the baby age range down and feel comfortable generally with all I would have to do before moving to the 2-5 year olds. We'll see :)

* * * * *

A very nice day

Contently watching a programme about the solar system while dad snores next to me on the sofa :) this is nice. Mum is having a bath so I'm happy that she is relaxing - she ought to take care of herself a bit more. I worry about her :/

Today at the nursery was very nice, I felt closer to the girls who work there and I felt more at home in the surroundings which was very comforting. The more integrated I feel in an environment, the less 'new' I feel and the more I relax and enjoy my time.

What did we do?

We had some circle time - sitting in a circle on the carpet and singing nursery rhymes - and 20/30 minutes in the garden, lunch, sensory play, more circle time, play, tea time, more play!

The highlight of my day was feeling more comfortable at the day nursery: with the activities, the other girls and of course the little humans!

DAY NURSERY: DAY 1! 3MTHS - 2YRS

Feeling: Shaky

I was so nervous yesterday, oh my gosh! Okay so, there are lots of limitations to what I can tell about the nursery, so no details of course, but the little ones are adorable!

Reading Material

I have a pretty chunky info pack with quizzes and checklists so I cover everything and understand all the safety policies and stuff. Today is only Day 2 and last night I almost finished it all, so I'm pretty chuffed with myself! I need to remember to take a couple of references as well - it was never mentioned when I went for my interview :S oh well.

My first day

So my first day I was in the with the babies, there were four women with them and they all seem really nice, of course they have a happy, calm temperament for their jobs and they do everything amazingly, like it's second nature. I don't know how much experience they all have, but it's a lot I reckon :)

My mentor is so nice and friendly, I feel like I can ask her any questions and she doesn't mind, she knows how much to go into the baby care basics with me. I think she'll be pleased when she sees my pace of learning :)

Some of the things I got to do were feeding with a bottle, putting a baby to sleep in their cot, nappy changing, I helped with snack times and general playtime inside and in the back garden. Yesterday was a real whizz of information getting thrown at me, but I'm sure it won't be long until I have all the record keeping down.

Warming into it

Pretty proud of myself, I'm only going to be there 4 hours a day Monday to Friday and by the end of my shift I pretty much knew all the baby's names and I was getting used to their mini personalities. They are all super sweet, of course a fair few tantrums, but they were gradually warming up to me and by 5pm they would waddle towards me so I could read them a book!

So, the highlight of my day was everything going well. It was daunting getting flooded with information in only 4 hours, but everyone is so nice and friendly, so I know if ever I have a problem i can go to any one of the girls :)