Baking Day!

Feeling: Tired, but satisfied

I've done a fair bit today and squeezed in some time for Criminal Minds! Do you watch that show too?

So this morning I baked some vanilla cupcakes, followed by lunch with my sister, then in the afternoon she baked a chocolate cake while I did my thing (pronounced thaaaang) tidying up the living room and rearranging our stuff so that it looked pretty and presentable.

Mosaic

Why all the preparation? My mum's a fundraiser for a local charity called Mosaic that supports child bereavement. Go to their website here. We are having a coffee morning tomorrow from 10-12am to raise money for them :) hence all the baking! There's also going to be a little 'Bring & Buy' stall that I promised to manage. We have some things already to sell, but the idea is people can bring things they want to get rid of and they can be put on the stall straight away.

Time alone

Dad has been his frustrating self as per usual, but it's aaaall good. I just have to remember to take time out and be by myself in my room sometimes. I haven't been alone in a while and I think I'll start getting irritable if I don't 'balance' out my time.

Seeing Tom

When I'm with Tom I'm not too fussed about alone time because it balances out itself, what with his lectures and lab work. I really had a lovely fortnight with him and I am glad I was there to stop him from stressing out too much. Having said that, I can't tell whether I helped, but he did say he felt better with me there. He is on top of his work and isn't feeling too bad, but the next couple of weeks will be a tricky cluster of deadlines, so my visit was well timed!

Back soon!

Surprise Plan Discovered!

Feeling: Wary

Surprise trip

It is Tom's birthday this coming Saturday and because I know how he feels being back at uni, my family suggested I travel down to surprise him on the day and stay for a couple of weeks! Sadly, he ended up finding out :( it had to come out, he was planning to go home for a few days and wouldn't be back there til Monday. PANIC TIME! So I had no choice but to reveal my plan, I couldn't have fibbed around it but oh well. I was a bit annoyed for a bit just because I was excited to see his reaction and it would have been my first surprise trip to see him, but meh. He's looking forward to me coming down anyway.

Can't keep track

Right now, to do tasks are whirring around my head and I'm not quite sure where to start :/

Pack my suitcase, remember mum's present and card for Tom, wrap own presents, go to the doctor's, send my medical certificate in the post, meet up with my bestie, do everything to get rid of this darn cold, wax, do nails - getting girlier - eyebrows, prepare some embroidery pieces for journey and stay, pick up train tickets in advance, sort out benefit payments...

Errmm :S well the to do lists will be made on a day-to-day basis and somehow I'm sure I'll do everything :)

Rufus Drop-off

Feeling: Under the weather

No sleep

It's been a dramatic couple of days, yesterday I was very emotional because the night before I had stayed in the living room with Rufus all night and I didn't sleep at all until 7:30am and I got 4 hours. So after that I didn't want to have another night like that so dad and I took Rufus back yesterday morning.

I was fine until mum asked me to tidy and hoover the living room from chewed up sticks and doggyness and my eyes started to well up, I very quickly became upset and curled up on the sofa with mum cuddling me because I was in floods of tears. It occurred to me how important I felt when we had Rufus and especially with him because he became very much attached to me, so I was everything to him, I provided everything he needed and I loved having the responsibility - it helped me just as much. I would've been fine, just a bit sad, if I'd had any sleep so mum tucked me in to her bed for a nap and I eventually nodded off for an hour. Thankfully, it did help a bit.

Unwell family value pack

Feeling more restful which is good, but unfortunately I'm not well :( my sister was unwell for a couple of weeks with a flu-ish cold, a bad cough, you know January, and mum and I have caught it so we're all under the weather!

Shattered!

Feeling: Like I could sleep for a week

Very early start

I am just... beyond pooped, it's been such a long day. I had to get up at 6:20 to stop Rufus barking and calm him down, he needed to go outside but it was pouring with rain and he suddenly didn't want to go when I opened the door! It was pretty funny :P
am just...

I intended to go back to bed, but I stayed up thinking 'I'm tired, but probably too awake to go back to sleep now' :( we went to a park a 20 minute walk down the road for almost an hour of playing fetch and running about. Him, not me. My hips would hate me - the first lesson I learnt with the first dog I took in.

After our bit of exercise we hopped onto one bus, then another in order to get to my best friend's house. He was much better on the bus today than he was on Monday, he was much calmer and lay down (most of the time). On each bus, I sat on the foldable chair with my back to the big backrest where a wheelchair user would be so he can get used to staying in that spot on a bus for a journey.

Bad dog!

It was lovely being with my bestie and her little girl again, but my goodness Rufus was a paaaiiiin! Snatching food out of people's hands in the blink of an eye, sniffing chocolate wrappers, barking at her little girl at one point, he was just so darn difficult. We did our best to keep their living room clear of wrappers and anything treat-like.....or edible... but when it's a family home with a 3 year old, there is bound to be bits here and there, some biscuit crumbs, half a glass of juice left, you know. And for a labrador, it was heaven, he was trying to get at everything and I mean everything. I really lost my patience with him because I was starting to get tired so my fuse got shorter and shorter.

Fortunately, he was pretty good walking home and on the buses and I managed to sneak out of our living room while he napped to have a bubble bath truly by myself!

Lesson: Go back to bed when your gut tells you you'll be better off with the sleep.

Woofability doggy no.3!

Feeling: Knackered

I'm pretty tired and its getting late, so I won't post too much buuuuut we went to Woofability to pick up our third dog! I mean, we take them back each time, we don't have 3 in our house ^.^

I will post some photos of him soon! He's called Rufus, he's a black lab and almost 3 years old, so like Hudson he's reaching the end of his training. We picked him up this morning and this afternoon I had my therapy session so he came with me - he didn't enjoy the bus! I don't really blame him, he can't get comfortable because he slips and slides whenever we brake.... buses are more jolty I realise! Too bad, because we're back on the bus tomorrow to my best friend's cottage!

I think I will want to stay in tomorrow, but I also know I will enjoy going over to my best mate's and it will be relaxing...ish. I will be a bit on edge, watching Rufus so he doesn't chomp on anything :/ we'll see ha!

Wasting time

Feeling: Borrrred

I feel really fed up, but it's not like I'm in a bad mood, I just don't want to do anything productive. I have that feeling generally most days but it's pretty strong today. I did get up (eventually) and had breakfast...okay brunch.

Even thought my relationships with my family have gotten so much better, I still need my alone time to "recharge" and breathe a bit. I am at a funny stage where I am fighting through and, because my problems affect my mood and behaviour, I have to kind of recalibrate and remember when I am just being me!

So it's half 3 and am I doing anything worthwhile? Nope. Well, I've done a teeny bit of marketing for Threadkin and I'm breaking in the habit of posting to my _threadkin_ and _threadkinlife_ instagram accounts more often. Howeverrr, I haven't done any physical embroidery in over a month! I prepared a new hoop piece and I have it right next to me with the threads, needle and...nope, not feeling it.

Yes, my CBT Therapist is in my head saying 'You'll never feel like it, just do it anyway.' UUUHHH damn it. Maybe it's because I feel like I've been busy, going out a few times during the week and seeing people, so I want a super low-key day and spend some quality time with my laptop and maybe a book :D

Maybe I'll pick up my embroidery a bit later :)

Do and enjoy

Feeling: Content

I am going out for lunch soon with my mum and sister, we're meeting up with some of mum's friends. They are so lovely, I feel quite relaxed with them because I don't feel like I'm being judged, whereas being around people my own age I feel like everything's a competition and you'll be compared to each other.

So today I am going to simply do and enjoy.

My 5 steps explained

I thought it would be a good idea to make a seperate post to explain, because some people might not feel the need to know more and some people might so ^.^

Not giving up

Yeah a little cheesy, but hear me out. A problem for me over the years has been that the longer I've had to deal with mental illness, the more hopeless it has felt to find something that would work for me and this grew into a massive worry. I was already depressed but on top of that, with my other..err..situations (?) I just thought 'Ughh what are the chances of something working now?!'

I am SO glad that I persevered and kept trying to find the help that was suitable for me, despite how hopeless it felt.

Trust that good feeling will come as a result of your efforts

This was quite the lesson for me and it made a lot of sense - I actually felt a bit stupid when my CBT Therapist made this point, but when you're depressed your brain isn't working at normal capacity.

I was telling her how I never did anything because I didn't feel in the mood and she said 'You're depressed, you can't wait for the mood to come along because it won't.' It was like a switch went off in my head. Sometimes you need someone else to relay something back to you for you to see it at a different, clearer angle.

Put yourself in the situation despite not wanting to do it - if it is an old hobby or something you used to enjoy, throw yourself in and the good mood will come, believe it. It won't feel like it's working for a while, but give it time, you are battling an illness so of course you won't suddenly want to do everything again overnight.

Confiding in my GP

This was a very nerveracking thing to do and the feeling returns - at least, it did for me - when you have to change GP. I first went to a GP in uni about my mental health, I hadn't even had previous appointments with her, I literally registered and went as soon as I could because I was so tired of facing it by myself, I had just had enough.

You are GENUINELY anxious over NOTHING. People often say things like 'It's their job, it's what they do', 'They don't judge' - none of this I believed until after I left my appointment. I don't know what I expected, but I was pleasantly surprised when her response to me was simple, professional questions about my circumstances and what was available. That's it! That is really what they are there for. I do still feel a little nervous going to the GP but that lessens with every appointment because they follow your progress and they understand better than anyone that an illness is an illness, wherever it lies in the body.

During my therapy, I have had to set an action plan into place if, in the future, I got to the point of putting my own life at risk and I decided that the GP is the first and most important person to go to.

Make the most of your friendships

I have felt tremendous guilt over how people around me have been affected and some I feel very close to who I never see because of the Agoraphobia and all else.

Just before Christmas I met up with my best friend who I love to bits and we agreed that we will hang out much more often. She knows everything about my situation and, having gone through her own mental illness struggles, she is so understanding and patient with me.

She has known me for 10 years and I now see her once a week, which means I get to spend time with her gorgeous little 3 year old! I get the best boost when I see her and after about a month my mood has been lifting steadily!

Small to do lists!

A little practical one to end with. This totally plays to my personality, I love organising, tidying, solving puzzles, doing jigsaws and writing lists - mainly to do lists.

For me personally, I love writing a to do list and that satisfying feeling of crossing something through and glowing that productive glow. Small to do lists are particularly healing at this time in my life because completing tasks on a to do list bears more meaning to me now than ever - it symbolises progress and moving forward for me.

This might not suit your personality, but you know you best so leave me a comment if you have any tricks or tips that have been a help to you!

My 5 Steps to a Healthier Mind!

Now, I won't shove any of these ideas into your face like a salesman, these will be things you will have likely already heard of as ways to improve your wellbeing and such, but I thought it would be a good idea to make a post and try to summarise what has helped me the most.

I have tried a few things over the years and am happy to answer any questions anyone has about getting help.

What has helped me:

Not giving up

Trust that good feeling will come a a result of your efforts

Confiding in my GP

Make the most of your friendships

Small to do lists!

I know none of this is new, but really these are the rules I have been living by (without realising it) for the past couple of months and I can feel a difference. There is still a way to go of course, we have to be realistic with the time these things will take and it is the mind we're talking about - it is capable of amazing things, but don't great things need time?

I will make a second post on these pointers to explain how they've helped me another time. Goodnight!

Christmas 14

Feeling: Okay

So it is January 1st and time for everyone to bring out the 'new year, new me' remarks. Well I hate to add to it because after a while it gets pretty annoying, but put less dramatically I have been feeling real progress over the past 2 months :D how about that then!

Christmas

I should probably take a step back and go over my Christmas a little. It was a lovely holiday both with Tom's family and my own., I spent Christmas Day with Tom's family and on Boxing Day we drove to mine for Christmas Day 2! Two days of present opening = fine by me :D

I enjoyed having Christmas with Tom and his folks, but I must admit it didn't feel very festive. That's the problem that comes with growing up in a family/house that becomes a Christmas grotto - nowhere feels as festive as home! Although his family are lovely, they aren't a very chatty, bubbly group so for me it was as opposite to my house as possible, but it was really nice! Honestly!

Tom left on Sunday 28, so it's not even been a week *sigh* I hope I sleep better tonight, so far I've had 2 nights of almost no sleep, 1 night of not even knowing how much sleep I got (you know, when you're in between awake and asleep, but for the whole night) and 1 night - last night - of a horrible dream where our relationship was on its last legs! My goodness, what is WRONG with me?!! I swear I'm not needy, but I get so comfortable and used to the nights with him that when I'm by myself again, my body freaks out at all the sudden extra space!