Thank heavens for my medication / Threadkin

Feeling: Tired.

Probably because it's half 1 in the morning. I have been doing wonderfully on my medication, it feels so good to be proactive, productive and happy around family.

I don't wake up feeling nervous for the day ahead, now I just get up

My medication is a sot of 2 in 1, it slows down my spinning anxiety thoughts and lifts my mood as well. My mood has definitely balanced and my mum even said she can see the tremendous difference in my behaviour now compared to before. Maybe now mum sees that I really benefit from them :)

Threadkin update

Threadkin is going steadily, the etsy shop has been open just over a fortnight and still no sales, but hey it's a very tough industry and businesses are always slow to begin with. With the effort I'm putting into social networking, thankfully in that sense I'm generating interest at a pace that I'm content with!

Mental health isn't very business-savvy

Every now and then I want to tweet (on my business twitter account) mentioning my depression and coping with it along with the business starting out, but I decide against it. The sad fact of the matter is I can't help but think it would look like a...not a weakness, but...that it would make people think less of my products and my little baby business :(

I hate to think it, but admitting I have mental health problems might put people I've started networking with off, as if I'm no longer a contender and worth community support. I'll do some research online to see if other people have spoken up about it as a topic.

You're at peace now, Grandpa

Feeling: Okay

It's a bittersweet time....leaning to more bitter. We received some bad news from my grandpa's care home yesterday evening that he had passed away.

A sad family time

In a way, we're all dealing with it okay, because he was deteriorating for a long time and in a sense we lost the man we know long ago :( the hardest thing for me is to see mum dealing with it. We lost grandma 9 years ago and I remember the night we got the news very vividly, mum is handling things much better. Mum was a lot more emotional seeing him get worse, but now mum can let go and take comfort in that he isn't in pain or uncomfortable anymore.

The purest form of peace

No matter what your opinion is of life after death, I think we all can agree that it is the purest form of peace.

My grandma and grandpa at my parent's wedding in dad's hometown in Italy

Don't judge me for taking medication

I am FED UP of dealing with this.

Not even a full day has gone by with me back on the meds and I'm feeling the judgement from family! Well, my sister...she's the only one who knows, she happened to ask how the GP visit went this morning while noone happened to be in the room.

Oh, how I wish I had kept my mouth shut!! I was even thinking about it to and from the doctors, 'What shall I tell my family?' 'How much detail should I tell them?' 'I'll just say it went well'. over and over I thought about it, knowing what their - well, my sister's - reactions would be if I told them I was back on the meds.

I wholeheartedly believe it is the right thing to do to be back on them, it will really balance my mood and get me through day-to-day without as many crashes. The thing is, my family don't realise how things really are for me because I hide up in my room when I have a dip or crash in mood and don't resurface until I feel it's gone. In their minds they must think I'm practically myself i.e. not depressed (I've always had the anxiety).

Uhh good :/ maybe I'll end up living in my own place through supported housing, I can see myself saying at the peak of an argument that I'll just leave home and live somewhere else. I reeeally hope I don't say anything like that, I don't want to!

All I want is for them to think/say that despite their own opinions, they know that I feel it is right for me and respect my decision. Is that too much to ask? :/

First productive day in a while

Feeling: Rushed off my feet, but happy

I need so much tea. I got up pretty early for a doctor's appointment this morning which couldn't have gone better :) the female GP I saw was very kind and sympathetic, which was a big comfort because I felt so sick getting ready to leave the house beforehand!

A lovely GP

I went to talk about my hip problem and the possibility of getting a note to claim benefits. She was really nice and knew that there would be no point in referring me to physio while I can't bear to go out the door. I also brought up how I stopped taking my medication because I can't afford to keep up with them, so she wrote me a sick note so I can claim benefits and with that pay for my medication. She also gave me a new prescription for 2 months worth and I booked an appointment to see her again in a month.

Don't leave the house = little/no exercise = weaker leg muscles and ligaments

A fortnight from now I will have my assessment with Steps 2 Wellbeing, the GP said the challenge is in keeping and maintaining the sessions with them. After I gradually improve, only then can I really get a referral for physio, which I totally understand. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that it was all connected, it's so obvious now!

Back on my medication

Since then, I've collected a craft supply order from the delivery office - it came and went while dad and I drove to give Penny back to Woofability - and gone to a Sewing World nearby to buy some new fabric.

Jobcentre Plus visit

Now comes the ugly part of the day :( I have filled in my form for the benefits I need to claim, but the whole process is really intimidating. I've never gone to Jobcentre Plus before and apparently the one closest to me doesn't have very friendly staff. I've been out of the house a fair bit today and I'm proud of that, but I need to do this one last crucial thing.

Only thing that comes first is printing off 52 PAGES! Right, kettle...

WOOFABILITY WEEKEND part 2

Feeling: Out of the loop

Going to the loo

I was panicking last night about Penny not going to the bathroom before bed! How silly :P I'm fine when I'm with Tom's greyhounds because I've done it many times and they always go with a little encouragement. Sooo maybe I just have to do this a few times? Toilet training is instilled in them within a few weeks of age and, with Penny, she's stayed with many first time Woofability volunteers.

Out of the loop

Remember how my bedroom is the attic? I have these annoying, creaky steps that are shaped for the left or right foot. So Penny wouldn't be able to go up to my room :(

I can't hear anything that goes on, well a little on the first floor, but nothing else. So I can't hear her if she calls to use the bathroom in the night. Someone left the living room door open all night, whereas I thought it was shut, but anyway, Penny went up to my sister's room. Her room is paradise for a dog because it's got all things they love to put in their mouth all over the floor - she's not the tidiest - so my sister let her out.

I'm also not the first to get up in the morning - so my sister fed her breakfast. I would've woken up early especially for her, but I needed the sleep. My left hip grinded in the socket whenever I moved - I can't recall that ever happening through the night - so I was up until a bit late I think.

* * * * *

Today might be a new day, but my hip is still the same. I might take her for a short walk round the nearby houses. I'd like to spend some time just me and her - I might be the biggest animal lover in the house but I'm also the most used to doggy company, so my family have been a little wrapped up with her. Don't get me wrong, that's really sweet and it's a nice experience for everyone, I just, I don't know :/

I thought I was jealous of them spending time with her, but that's not it. My family help to ease the sense of responsibility which was quite overwhelming at first, but I feel okay after her being okay through the night. Besides, I get to look after her and give the middle-of-the-night task to whoever else hears it :P

WOOFABILITY WEEKEND part 1

Feeling: happy, but nervous

Look at this gorgeous girl who I get to look after for a few days!

This is Penny, she's a Golden Retreiver and my first Woofability dog. I barely slept last night as you can imagine :P

Woofability is a Dorset charity that raises and trains assistance dogs for the disabled. Puppy socialisers (what I'm starting out) take in the dogs at their homes for between 2 days to 3 weeks, practicing basic commands and giving the opportunity for socialising in different areas.

The charity has been great and it's been a really straightforward process! I called them to ask if I could be a puppy socialiser and booked a home visit, in the home visit all was ironed out, I signed a volunteering form and then agreed on when I would have my first dog. 5 days later, Penny is here!

I am glad for it being a weekend visit, because as much as I love dogs, it is still a big adjustment from not living with one. Although, I have relaxed massively throughout the day :) the whole family came on a walk. Penny behaved well, whereas it wasn't as good an experience for me!

Going down the main road, my sister was nipping in and out of the shops and I kept hold of her and got her to sit as we waited. She was very good, but at one point we came across a maHOOssive husky bear with its owner. It was very quiet and was looking at Penny and for some reason she was barking non stop while she was near it :S a bit embarrassing since I was standing talking to someone about how she was in training.

Bad hips + running with dog = major pain

We carried on and dad and I got to a big park/green, it was tricky because I'm not allowed to take her off the lead, so I decided to jog/run a bit while holding onto her lead. The PAIIIN in my hips, just...my god. So we ended up crawling back til we got home and I've been on the sofa since! Ow ow ow...

Wanting people to worry about me

I was lost in thought the other day in how I see others around me and how they respond to me. This might sound like really strange ways to think, but I'm being very honest here. As I type, sometimes it makes things clearer and I learn as I get things out of my system :)

I've always wanted people to worry about me. That might sound selfish and... I suppose it is, but it wasn't - no, isn't - that I want people in my life to suffer, I don't want that at all, it was more that I felt that if they are worried or concerned, that that is when you truly see the connection you have.

Being depressed is one of those circumstances that, to a point, show you who your friends are, who will be there for you and support you despite the situation. I guess when I was little I thought that when people show worry for you, you see what you mean to them, but otherwise you can't tell.

Surely the right mindset would be to find the happy times more bonding than the sad times?

Unfortunately it looks like that mindset stuck. I distinctly remember going to a particular anger management appointment at a local clinic and the therapist - horrible woman, I hated going - challenged my outlook that I needed people to be concerned for me to give me the apropriate attention. I realised only the other day that maybe I associate people worrying about me with taking me seriously and I have ALWAYS wanted people to take me seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I have a sense of humor, but not when I'm the joke material d'you know what I mean :/ I've always been told to 'lighten up' and 'stop being so sensitive', but I think that's just me and despite my best efforts to take things more lightly, it only makes jokes worm into my brain further and stick with me longer. A bit of a 'don't think of a pink elephant' type thing!

So, do I not feel much of a connection with people - and I'm talking about family really - when they are smiling and happy and not worried? Why would them not worrying be a bad thing?! I don't understand myself, but I really want to get to the bottom of this, I am my own mystery!

Am I so desperate for attention that I need people I'm with to be devoid of their own happiness so they can focus on me?

Maybe when others around me are cheerful and say something to me, for instance, I don't think I truly have their attention. Ugh.... I sound horrible...

What will it take for me to be my old self again?

Feeling: Hopeless

I've been feeling particularly low the past couple of days despite knowing I'll have a golden retreiver to look after this weekend. Now, if having a dog doesn't help, I have no clue what will!!

I'll probably be happy the entire time the dog is here though, but... I thought I would be happy and excited all day until he/she arrives. Nope :/ I've actually noticed today and yesterday were definite crashes in mood, I was crying yesterday on my bed because sometimes it hits me all over again that I am in a dark place and I can't find the exit.

Occasionally it just hits me all over again and I get frustrated

Hence come the tears! Didn't cry today thankfully. You know what one of the worst things is? I can't let my family see me like that, at the moment for multiple reasons.

My grandpa is...well, he has very little time left now sadly and I can't begin to describe how mum is.
If they see me teary or particularly low, they'll say 'What's wrong?' and I don't know how to respond to that. Nothing's happened technically, but there is something wrong.

If I responded to 'What's wrong?' with the medical definition of depression, my family would think I'm being defensive or snappy. What do they want me to say?!

It is easier to just ride out the mood crash alone and return to family company once I'm better.

A bittersweet day

Feeling: Heavy

It's been a bittersweet day - great news for me, but a terrible day for mum. I feel like such a burden.

The Good News

Click image for Woofability's website

I had a home visit from Woofability this afternooon, ironed out queries and signed a declaration to promise to give the dogs back haha. EXCITIIING!! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. Soooo, I'm getting my first dog this weekend! I will post photos so you can see :D it is brilliant how Woofability works - my puppy socialising revolves entirely around my own schedule, I can determine when and for how long I'll have a dog - but for the near future, as I'm new, the... hmmm what shall I call them... dog stays will be short until I get used to giving the dogs back (heck that'll take a while if it happens at all).

The Bad News

Poor mumma :( she really holds up the family and keeps us going in every way a mum can, but she can't stand her job anymore - it's evolved from lots of work with people to practically all work through the computer screen - to the point where she broke down in a meeting this morning and a colleague friend brought her home. It's resulted from a multitude of things - my grandpa's health, work getting worse, a chest infection that won't bugger off.

After coming home, mum went to see the GP and got signed off work for the week - a relief, at least she can focus on getting back to herself 100% - with antibiotics for the chest infection. Things were looking up until mum rang my uncle to catch up on news of grandpa.... sadly, it's never a pleasant conversation but mum stayed with dad in his studio and had a bit of a cry on his shoulder. I could tell that things hadn't exactly improved, but mum said that he isn't far from....well, you know :(

When I think of what mum does for me and the whole house, she really is a force of nature, I start tearing up because mum gets little in return. We are very fortunate in many ways, but.... *sigh* poor mum, she's keeps us afloat financially, she can't exactly leave her job for another she'd enjoy more, sadly the chances of one popping up that also pays better is just so slim.