My head is whirling with things I want to get onto paper, if I wrote them as I was thinking them none of it would make sense, constantly switches from one thought entirely different to the last. Why must my mind race persistently?
When I see someone with a serious physical injury like a
missing limb or something similarly drastic, I feel for them, like most
thoughtful people would. Thing is, you can’t do that with someone who’s
mentally ill. People struggle to see suffering if it isn’t visually confirmed.
Is it a lack of trust in society? We’ve become so closed off from our neighbours
and so suspecting of ulterior motives people might have that I guess no one tries
to understand anymore, it seems easier for people to just assume people lie
about things they are dealing with. Why? Is it easier that way?
I am mentally ill, over the years the list has gotten longer
I am sorry to say. When I was 12, I suffered trauma – I watched a really
graphic, sadistic horror movie (not my choice, believe me!) – and it is almost
10 years on that I still occasionally have what I call ‘bad nights’. Thankfully
it has been long enough where it isn’t a serious problem for me anymore, but it
was agony in the process with no help until about a year ago. Your teens are
the years where you grow and start to piece together who you are. This
experience I had had grew with me, I had no idea what was really wrong or that
anyone else had experienced similar trouble.
The night we watched the film. A friend was sleeping round
mine and brought this film with her. After eventually convincing me to watch
it, we were in my room (an attic) in total darkness, no snacks or distractions.
Just us staring at my TV screen. I wish I knew then that it would affect me for
years and years to come, that it would cause me a lot of pain and I would have
sleep trouble from then on. It was the longest night of my life, I can remember
it like it was yesterday…sadly.
My friend was sound asleep while I lay in bed frozen solid. I was staring at my friend to see if she was still breathing, I tried so hard not to move a muscle out of fear. I never feel asleep, I stayed awake right through to morning. To say I was terrified just doesn’t explain well enough. If ever there was a time I would die from sheer horror it was then. I was convinced I would be killed any second. All night. Remember I was 12, not 18 that the film was rated at. The whole film was flashing in front of me, I was automatically repeating all the scenes like it was playing in my head a second time. I was too scared to take normal breaths in case it triggered something or someone to come out of the shadows. I have shivers looking back.
I never told my friend. I was good at making my friends think
I was fine, they had no clue anything had happened. On the odd day, I feel I
should send her a long email explaining to her, but I know it would not
accomplish anything and it certainly wouldn’t erase it all. Oh, how much I wish
it could. This trauma stole my teenage years from me, it was as if a demon had
burrowed its way into my head, ejecting poison. I became haunted. For the first
few years I was almost possessed by the images day and night, they would
flicker into my mind all the time – alone in a corridor, the corner of my eye,
was something or someone behind me, any dark corners, at school, my living room.
My bedroom. Where it all happened. It is still my bedroom I’m proud to say!My friend was sound asleep while I lay in bed frozen solid. I was staring at my friend to see if she was still breathing, I tried so hard not to move a muscle out of fear. I never feel asleep, I stayed awake right through to morning. To say I was terrified just doesn’t explain well enough. If ever there was a time I would die from sheer horror it was then. I was convinced I would be killed any second. All night. Remember I was 12, not 18 that the film was rated at. The whole film was flashing in front of me, I was automatically repeating all the scenes like it was playing in my head a second time. I was too scared to take normal breaths in case it triggered something or someone to come out of the shadows. I have shivers looking back.
Then the symptoms became more concentrated at certain times
of the day, mellowed out during the day, for a long time I had nightmares but
they did subside and all the pain and anxiety was at one time of the day. The
moment when I would be lying in bed, trying to get to sleep. I’ve just realised
that, coincidentally, that was the time that we watched the film….hmm. At home
I would cry and cry because I was tired of being taunted every day, almost like
bullying but from within myself. I would sit in a corner and clutch my head
with my hands as if I had earache, I thought I was going crazy and it would
eventually consume me to the point where…. I don’t know.
My family would be there when I cried, but it felt very uncomfortable. On reflection, I understand that they could not empathise, so they had no idea what to say, what would comfort me. Nothing could anyway, you can’t wave away trauma from years before and say ‘It’ll be fine, I’ll pop the kettle on!’ it doesn’t work like that. I so wish it did! My sister would try to understand and say she knew what I was going through. In truth I was torn between appreciating the similarity and angrily feeling that she didn’t know what it felt like.
My family would be there when I cried, but it felt very uncomfortable. On reflection, I understand that they could not empathise, so they had no idea what to say, what would comfort me. Nothing could anyway, you can’t wave away trauma from years before and say ‘It’ll be fine, I’ll pop the kettle on!’ it doesn’t work like that. I so wish it did! My sister would try to understand and say she knew what I was going through. In truth I was torn between appreciating the similarity and angrily feeling that she didn’t know what it felt like.
My 22nd birthday is peering around the corner. It
has been a few months since I had a panic attack and I can confidently say
that I feel on the mend.
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