Family Problems

When my depression came along, family problems came with it.

Everything appeared to be going fine, but my behaviour throughout the summer threw my family off - I think they assumed I was just being stubborn, lazy and difficult. I imagine that is what it looked like, so that's fair enough. I shut myself off from my family whenever I was low. I didn't want too talk, I'd curl up on the sofa and pretend to be asleep.

The more I stuck to myself, the more lonely I made myself feel and it spiralled. They'd tell me to get over it whatever it was and to stop ruining the atmosphere in the house. This only made me feel worse and angry, almost defensive. I couldn't bare to be around my family, truth be told. My mum and sister are very similar and share lots of interests, whereas I am very much like my dad but my dad is rarely home since he works a lot. So this meant that it was me against my mum and sister. I know it shouldn't feel like anyone against anyone, but it really did.

My sister and I have had a rocky relationship for as long as I can remember. Up until a year or so ago, it was like any other sibling relationship, touch and go, arguing one day, giggling together the next. That feels like a long time ago now, almost as if it was someone else's story. My sister is 5 years older than me and very pretty. She is so talented and excels at what she does for a living. I have felt as if I've been walking in her shadow my whole life and that is nothing against her, she is simply being the best she can be.

I have cried many times on my mum's shoulder saying I feel second best and am not worth anything in comparison to my sister. We are different and our strengths are in different areas, I know that, but that doesn't give me any comfort. I don't compare myself to others as much as I used to and only now am I trying to really value my opinion above others.

I think it has something to do with the glamour of my sister's career - it is very much about getting out there, people knowing your name, making contacts and being heard. My career hasn't even started yet, so in hindsight I imagine this all sounds really petty!

We have been told often that we look alike and people have over the years confused me for my sister. When we have visited people and my sister isn't there, they assume I am her or ask if I am. Will no one ever ask if I am me? I'm tired of saying 'No, I'm the other one'. I don't bother giving my name in return anymore, there's no point, I know they will mistake me for my sister every time. I can't help but cry whenever I think of this, because it makes me feel so small and insignificant. I am the ghost, the shadow, the other sister no one remembers the name of.

Whenever my mum says I am loved just as much, I can't help but feel she is trying to protect my feelings. Since last summer, I have felt as if I'm not even related to my family, I've disconnected myself that much. I wish I hadn't. I am trying as of now to regain a bond with my mum and sister, but it is very difficult since they still struggle to believe I am unwell.

I confessed to my dad in the summer how I had been feeling but because he is rarely around he couldn't say much to console me except to strongly suggest I talk to my mum and sister. I didn't want to for fear that it would blow up into an argument. I worked up the nerve and guess what - that is exactly what happened. The last time my sister spoke to me with feeling, she yelled that I did all this deliberately because I enjoyed creating conflict. People tend to say that people don't mean what they come out with during an argument, in the moment, but I believe that it is the true honesty that people hide at all other times. My sister hasn't spoken properly to me since and it has now been about 6 months. For a while I tried, I would text her a little, I tried to talk to her like normal over Christmas but she wasn't having it. I don't know what else to do.