A Good Day!

I woke up this morning not feeling particularly great. I tend to predict how well my day is going to go on my general mood when I first wake up. Today however, got better the more the day went on. Nothing exceptional happened, but if I can feel really good about an average day like today, then that matters more, sort of.

I had lunch with my best friend to a café that I really like to go to and we had a great time. We laugh so much when we are together and I think it is therapeutic for both of us. Laughter can do so many things and can quite literally help to heal you. I think that is something that we both need.

In the afternoon, I went in to uni for a regular meeting with a support worker for an hour. I always leave my meetings feeling better than when I went in because they always reassure me that I am in fact on track and how some of my worries are understandable and there are many students who feel the same way. This is really comforting, when loneliness is quite a normal thing the past while. I see my friends in my classes, live with my best mate and spend my weekends with my boyfriend - he is in my room right now :) I do love him so much. Anyone looking in on my life would say I am lonely but I don't see it myself, I wouldn't say I feel lonely but apparently I am. Hmmm odd.

I made a yummy dinner - vegetarian sausages with couscous and roasted sweet potato - and we chilled. Yes it does happen. When we watch one of my favourite shows, my brain focuses on the characters. By getting absorbed in the show I'm watching, I stop worrying about my own stuff. Ahh, lovely. Peace.

I've been going through a big dip the past week, and I figured out what it is after discussing it with my support worker. I am coming to the end of my degree. Being the kind of person who relishes off planning meticulously and preparing for what happens next, not being able to plan what happens after I finish here is terrifying. I know, I know, life has a habit of not going according to a plan, but it is a way for me to curb my anxiety.

The unknown really shakes me up, after I do my exams in May and move back home, I will feel as if lost at sea. I can only do so much though, so I am focussing my attention to deadlines directly in front of me. One deadline at a time :)

Feeling Good Today / Help

I'm in a pretty good place today. I've just got back from a nasty 3 hour statistics workshop but it was actually a lot of fun with my friends. We all help each other out and have a giggle. It's comforting to know we are all in the same boat! :)

I am munching on blueberries while I browse the interweb, feeling quite upbeat. I have another lecture this afternoon, but I tis only an hour and I have a learning support worker who takes notes for me in this particular subject, so I don't panic too much about not getting everything written down and can listen to him and take it in that way. I have other equipment and help me manage this year, which is a blessing.

I went to the university counsellor who suggested I see a GP and talk to Disability Assist at uni. After doing so, my GP wrote a letter as evidence of my health condition and I was eligible for disability funding and help. I have some software to help me during lectures, a Dictaphone to help me take more from the lesson and support workers to a) keep me on top of my work and b) take care of my wellbeing throughout the year.

I am on medication as well. There are so many options though, different dosages, different prescriptions. I see my GP every month and talk over how things have been - it feels very much like a counselling session! My state is hard to evaluate, because everyone gets down sometimes, so I am never sure whether my state is rational/understandable or abnormal. I explain how my studies are going, my relationship with my family and the future. I have been on medication since around October/November, I felt a difference at the beginning but even though my dosages have been increasing, I don't think it is doing anything for me. I am seeing my doctor next week thankfully, so I will mention it to her then.

A future career?

I don't know how long I can go on like this.

I was just flicking through my academic diary, looking at everything I have to do. I don't want to do any of it, all I want is to curl up into bed and forget the world outside my room exists. To avoid any stress or pain because that's all I feel about so much. Made me want to cry.

I was looking at possible jobs and careers into dog training/assistance dog training today, jobs at Guide Dogs, Canine Partners and googled for advice on becoming a guide dog trainer. As soon as I see the words 'difficult to get into' or 'very competitive field' or limited places available', I instantly give up. I'm not stupid, I know practically every industry is hard to get into.

I just don't feel capable. Reading through some job descriptions, I don't feel I have the skills to do anything. Is my self-esteem so low that it's just denial?! Whenever anyone says anything nice or encouraging about me, I just think they're protecting my feelings and they actually think differently. How do I reverse that? I'm not paranoid or delusional. Who knows

Family Problems

When my depression came along, family problems came with it.

Everything appeared to be going fine, but my behaviour throughout the summer threw my family off - I think they assumed I was just being stubborn, lazy and difficult. I imagine that is what it looked like, so that's fair enough. I shut myself off from my family whenever I was low. I didn't want too talk, I'd curl up on the sofa and pretend to be asleep.

The more I stuck to myself, the more lonely I made myself feel and it spiralled. They'd tell me to get over it whatever it was and to stop ruining the atmosphere in the house. This only made me feel worse and angry, almost defensive. I couldn't bare to be around my family, truth be told. My mum and sister are very similar and share lots of interests, whereas I am very much like my dad but my dad is rarely home since he works a lot. So this meant that it was me against my mum and sister. I know it shouldn't feel like anyone against anyone, but it really did.

My sister and I have had a rocky relationship for as long as I can remember. Up until a year or so ago, it was like any other sibling relationship, touch and go, arguing one day, giggling together the next. That feels like a long time ago now, almost as if it was someone else's story. My sister is 5 years older than me and very pretty. She is so talented and excels at what she does for a living. I have felt as if I've been walking in her shadow my whole life and that is nothing against her, she is simply being the best she can be.

I have cried many times on my mum's shoulder saying I feel second best and am not worth anything in comparison to my sister. We are different and our strengths are in different areas, I know that, but that doesn't give me any comfort. I don't compare myself to others as much as I used to and only now am I trying to really value my opinion above others.

I think it has something to do with the glamour of my sister's career - it is very much about getting out there, people knowing your name, making contacts and being heard. My career hasn't even started yet, so in hindsight I imagine this all sounds really petty!

We have been told often that we look alike and people have over the years confused me for my sister. When we have visited people and my sister isn't there, they assume I am her or ask if I am. Will no one ever ask if I am me? I'm tired of saying 'No, I'm the other one'. I don't bother giving my name in return anymore, there's no point, I know they will mistake me for my sister every time. I can't help but cry whenever I think of this, because it makes me feel so small and insignificant. I am the ghost, the shadow, the other sister no one remembers the name of.

Whenever my mum says I am loved just as much, I can't help but feel she is trying to protect my feelings. Since last summer, I have felt as if I'm not even related to my family, I've disconnected myself that much. I wish I hadn't. I am trying as of now to regain a bond with my mum and sister, but it is very difficult since they still struggle to believe I am unwell.

I confessed to my dad in the summer how I had been feeling but because he is rarely around he couldn't say much to console me except to strongly suggest I talk to my mum and sister. I didn't want to for fear that it would blow up into an argument. I worked up the nerve and guess what - that is exactly what happened. The last time my sister spoke to me with feeling, she yelled that I did all this deliberately because I enjoyed creating conflict. People tend to say that people don't mean what they come out with during an argument, in the moment, but I believe that it is the true honesty that people hide at all other times. My sister hasn't spoken properly to me since and it has now been about 6 months. For a while I tried, I would text her a little, I tried to talk to her like normal over Christmas but she wasn't having it. I don't know what else to do.

Depression and productivity

I feel so low today. I have the day off, no lessons or plans to see anyone. To me that is a golden day, I can do what I want in my own company. Today though, I have sunk into a 'dip' as I call it.

I have been depressed for about a year, although I'm not sure exactly when - it isn't one of those things that happens overnight. An old friend of mine passed away last year on Mother's Day from a drug overdose the day before. He was with others and they survived but it was too much for him. He was still a teenager and he was talented at what he loved, he would've gone places I'm sure of it. Maybe it was around his death that it started or a little later. I only took real notice that I was consistently low early in the summer holidays.

Having things to do does help and I have pleeeenty I could get on with, but... I don't know really. I guess the best way to describe my dips is that I feel numb with hopelessness. It's during these times that I see the worst in myself - not good for anything or anyone. I eventually crawl out and get back to a normal state of mind. I guess you could say it occurs in episodes - like anyone who has good and bad days, just a bit more severe.

I am sitting at my desk in my flat at uni and feel I can't accomplish any work today. I would love to go to bed tonight feeling good about being productive, maybe write a few sentences. On occasion I give myself a single target, fairly small and doable, to build up some self-esteem. Ask anyone who is depressed and they will all say that doing anything is an achievement - getting out of bed, having a shower, eating. Day to day activities that most people do without even thinking suddenly feel as difficult as rock climbing or mountaineering.

For a long time I didn't get help, I went all through my teens crying in my pillow. One time I was so stressed and upset, I got up in the middle of the night and fainted on the landing. I came round on the floor on my back with my head propped against my closed bedroom door. My mum managed to get my up and put me into her bed to keep an eye on me. My head had swollen to twice its original size and I was bleeding from my head a little. Crying my eyes out, I felt like my head was going to split open, but mum told me to try to sleep. Turns out, I should have gone to A&E and going to sleep could've been dangerous, but nothing came of it and the gash at the back of my head healed itself over time.

Maybe I will too.

Racing Thoughts

I am chronically anxious. This means my mind races and I worry excessively. I have been to workshops to understand the origin of anxiety and worry, it was very interesting and insightful. Of course, a long time ago the 'fight or flight' response was highly useful and our ancestors' lives depended on it, but now that technology and other things have made life so much easier for us today, this response is not as important but it is part of our hardwiring. Unfortunately, I am simply one of those people who doesn't stop worrying at all, it just goes round and round and round in my mind.

Many people worry a lot, but the amount I worry is well above normal. I am trying to relax more and be more calm about things. I would love to be the kind of person who is aware of problems and things that need to be done, but doesn't buckle under the pressure and let worry take over. I'd like to be more chilled and laid-back, like some of my friends.

I am doing well lately. I am making sure I keep up a hobby that I really enjoy to turn to if I need a pick-me-up. I don't eat much junk food, I live off water, no caffeine, fizzy drinks, crisps, sweets, sugar. I don't exercise apart from walking everywhere - but where I live, that really is a workout - very hilly! I live in a small flat with my best mate and I can turn to her when I need someone there.

I am very fortunate, I know. Anxiety is not something that can be turned off, it is not rational after a certain point. Some of the worry can be tackled, since a lot of it is study stress with coursework and things, but the way degrees are designed - to test you - whenever a piece of coursework is done, you have 2 added to the list. It is not the right environment for me. I wish my outlook on everything was more positive - it is sometimes and I get days where I feel I can accomplish anything I want to. These days do not occur as often as I'd like.

I see problems. Problems everywhere. Where some see opportunities to improve, I see almost certain failure. I always think the next piece of work will fail, even though I've NEVER failed anything in my education before! To someone who doesn't worry as much as myself,  this doesn't make any sense at all. I imagine it must seem really frustrating, friends must want to shake me violently sometimes and say 'Snap out of it, nothing bad will happen!'.

I suppose it stems from the thought that I don't know what will happen next. Some people can embrace that mystery with open arms, relish the thought of not knowing what lies around the corner. find it exciting. Oh, I so wish I could think that way!

The day I became haunted

I’m Jess. I’m 21. I’m only a few months away from finishing my Animal Conservation Science Degree. I have a wonderful, caring boyfriend. I have a lot of things going for me that I am grateful for and there are many less fortunate than myself. Before I really go into this, I want to say first that I am not a martyr; I’m not writing any of this for pity or sympathy, I’m not trying to get attention. For all I know, no one may end up reading this (which is fine, since it is the process of getting these words out of my head that is the therapeutic part).

My head is whirling with things I want to get onto paper, if I wrote them as I was thinking them none of it would make sense, constantly switches from one thought entirely different to the last. Why must my mind race persistently?

When I see someone with a serious physical injury like a missing limb or something similarly drastic, I feel for them, like most thoughtful people would. Thing is, you can’t do that with someone who’s mentally ill. People struggle to see suffering if it isn’t visually confirmed. Is it a lack of trust in society? We’ve become so closed off from our neighbours and so suspecting of ulterior motives people might have that I guess no one tries to understand anymore, it seems easier for people to just assume people lie about things they are dealing with. Why? Is it easier that way?

I am mentally ill, over the years the list has gotten longer I am sorry to say. When I was 12, I suffered trauma – I watched a really graphic, sadistic horror movie (not my choice, believe me!) – and it is almost 10 years on that I still occasionally have what I call ‘bad nights’. Thankfully it has been long enough where it isn’t a serious problem for me anymore, but it was agony in the process with no help until about a year ago. Your teens are the years where you grow and start to piece together who you are. This experience I had had grew with me, I had no idea what was really wrong or that anyone else had experienced similar trouble.

The night we watched the film. A friend was sleeping round mine and brought this film with her. After eventually convincing me to watch it, we were in my room (an attic) in total darkness, no snacks or distractions. Just us staring at my TV screen. I wish I knew then that it would affect me for years and years to come, that it would cause me a lot of pain and I would have sleep trouble from then on. It was the longest night of my life, I can remember it like it was yesterday…sadly.

My friend was sound asleep while I lay in bed frozen solid. I was staring at my friend to see if she was still breathing, I tried so hard not to move a muscle out of fear. I never feel asleep, I stayed awake right through to morning. To say I was terrified just doesn’t explain well enough. If ever there was a time I would die from sheer horror it was then. I was convinced I would be killed any second. All night. Remember I was 12, not 18 that the film was rated at. The whole film was flashing in front of me, I was automatically repeating all the scenes like it was playing in my head a second time. I was too scared to take normal breaths in case it triggered something or someone to come out of the shadows. I have shivers looking back.

I never told my friend. I was good at making my friends think I was fine, they had no clue anything had happened. On the odd day, I feel I should send her a long email explaining to her, but I know it would not accomplish anything and it certainly wouldn’t erase it all. Oh, how much I wish it could. This trauma stole my teenage years from me, it was as if a demon had burrowed its way into my head, ejecting poison. I became haunted. For the first few years I was almost possessed by the images day and night, they would flicker into my mind all the time – alone in a corridor, the corner of my eye, was something or someone behind me, any dark corners, at school, my living room. My bedroom. Where it all happened. It is still my bedroom I’m proud to say!

Then the symptoms became more concentrated at certain times of the day, mellowed out during the day, for a long time I had nightmares but they did subside and all the pain and anxiety was at one time of the day. The moment when I would be lying in bed, trying to get to sleep. I’ve just realised that, coincidentally, that was the time that we watched the film….hmm. At home I would cry and cry because I was tired of being taunted every day, almost like bullying but from within myself. I would sit in a corner and clutch my head with my hands as if I had earache, I thought I was going crazy and it would eventually consume me to the point where…. I don’t know.

My family would be there when I cried, but it felt very uncomfortable. On reflection, I understand that they could not empathise, so they had no idea what to say, what would comfort me. Nothing could anyway, you can’t wave away trauma from years before and say ‘It’ll be fine, I’ll pop the kettle on!’ it doesn’t work like that. I so wish it did! My sister would try to understand and say she knew what I was going through. In truth I was torn between appreciating the similarity and angrily feeling that she didn’t know what it felt like.

My 22^nd birthday is peering around the corner. It has been a few months since I had a panic attack and I can confidently say that I feel on the mend.