NEW JOB, NEW START

Feeling: Grumpy (Being: Lazy!)

Well here we are again, at the begin of a new job, no. 4 this year! It's so embarrassing when people ask me how work is and I have to explain actually I'm at a new place again for the nth time :/

I'm back into retail for the moment so let's hope once I know the store layout and what I'm talking about I will be content for a while. I'm irritated today because the store opens tomorrow and I wasn't scheduled to work today but I'm having to go in to help get the store ready. I did say I couldn't at first but then I thought it's another chance to see the product layout before customers are in and asking where to find things! It would also get me further into the good books of the managing staff - I was told I'd been the first person who was able to go in. To be fair I'm sure the others in the new team are either studying or with their kids so I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else. I just want to keep out of trouble and avoid anything that could make me look bad through the manager's perspective.

I'd best go have a nibble before setting off!

SCATHING PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK

Feeling: Frustrated

Well I had the morning from hell. I challenge all of you who say " I had the worst day at work today" to hold that thought.

If you didn't already know, I have been working nights at an animal hospital for a short while now. This morning was on of a few day training mornings I've had as part of my training which involved a performance review for the first time. I was nervous when notified about the review because I felt somehow like I was on the firing line. And I was. I really was.

You know how when you're new to a job and it takes time to settle in, you make mistakes here and there. In many businesses you have time to make mistakes and ease into the position but I haven't had that. I've felt pressure to work flawlessly from very early on and it was confirmed when my line manager said she was expecting much more at this stage. Perhaps it is because my background is mostly retail and the way you conduct yourself doesn't potentially affect a life.

A Lamb to Slaughter

Suffice to say I got slaughtered. I noticed a notebook with a few pages with my name and the vets I've been working with mentioned a few times. I went into the review expecting it to be an opportunity for me to get out how I feel - which it was - but I had no idea how much negative feedback had been passed back about me! I had no idea how badly I'd been doing, I felt like I'd been getting better with each shift but according to the vets I've been working with I've been rude, sarcastic, full of attitude, disrespectful, sloppy. This was all brought out by examples one by one.

"Let's start with Friday the..."

I didn't realise that all my mistakes would be put in the spotlight and magnified in great detail. Practically every one I've made. I'm obviously anxious and over-worry but I've been doing my best to remain positive and look to my mistakes as lessons to move on from. I also was doing my best to gloss over the difficulties with the vets, hoping things would improve as they spent more time with me. I guess not...

IS THIS FOR ME?!

Feeling: Disappointed

So I've been in my new job for a month now and.... I can't say I'm enjoying it. Before I started I was so hopeful that it would be the job for me and I would finally have found what I want to do for years to come. Have I found it? No I don't think so! UGGGH. Is it me?! Am I being difficult to the point of impossible? Will I ever find a job I'm happy with?!!

The company so far has treated me well, the staff and the head nurse, who is essentially my boss, have been great. Training me like mad, ensuring I am confident with all aspects of my job. I am fairly comfortable with my job in terms of the tasks I need to do, but....well no matter how much you know of a job you don't truly know how it will be until you've started and ben in the environment for some time. The "job reality" is started to settle and I'm beginning to see what I am: 70% cleaner, 20% animal care assistant and 10% receptionist. No, make that 75% cleaner, 20% animal care assistant and 5% receptionist! I was aware that there would be a lot of cleaning but it appears that the animal care element is being phased out a bit more *sigh* virtually my reason to be there. I know, everyone in the pet hospital plays their part in improving local pet welfare and it does feel good but with all the cleaning I have to do, I forget what it is I'm doing it for. It's more in preparation for the following day (I work nights).

Night working. That's a whole other thing! I'll do a post specifically on my experience working nights.

I don't know how long I'll be here, this is the first job where I've felt the probationary period for what it is: a test period tat I might not pass. I've always previously thought that they won't actually get rid of me, but I've met staff cat my current workplace who've appeared to do well at their job and haven't stayed once their probationary period ended. Maybe I am basing my judgment on a glimpse of her working, but I was still surprised. So the first time, I don't feel safe.

NEW JOB!

Feeling: Nervous

Will my anxiety ever stay out of things?!

I am starting a new job soon that involves working nights and monitoring furry inpatients and cleaning at a pet hospital. I'm so excited to look after furry patients but I'm suddenly scared of the responsibility. Lately the only thing that calms me is envisaging myself further into the future, feeling comfortable and doing my job well. It reminds me of a technique in a book I have with tips to be positive and happy.
Close your eyes and picture a flight of stairs. You are slowly climbing the stairs. As you step, you see another climbing down the stairs. It is you. The 'you' you aspire to be, the very best version of yourself. As you both meet in the middle of the stairs, the two of you merge and you embody the self you want to be.
I think "Throw caution to the wind" ought to be my new mantra.

CAN OLD FRIENDS RETURN?

Feeling: Lonely.

I am a hypocrite. I expect plenty while I give back very little. I expect second, third chances when I have little tolerance of my own for others. This is why I have so few friends. I push people away when they don't deserve it. And my destructive pattern leaves me alone in the corner wondering when I'll next share the company of someone who wants to see me. I've grown unsure of almost everyone. I have a couple of friends who I know I could turn to, but I always do things on my watch rather than other people's. I have such little patience.

The reason I'm blogging is that I miss an old friend. I tried reaching out to her tonight. I wrote my message then deleted it when I felt tears building up. I want to blog because it helps my get emotions out and also, when I think of her, a small part of me hopes that she'll read this as she once did. Maybe our friendship belongs in the past and I shouldn't relive bad memories, but I guess I just feel compelled to fix things.

If someone asked me what happened between us I would say this: I became ill and it caused some confusion. She felt deliberately mistreated and sadly had kept her feeling bottled up for months until it exploded. At which point I suppose our friendship was beyond fixing.

It's been about 2 years. I'm not sure what it is I miss more, our friendship or simply being that close to someone. Maybe I want to fix things so that the negative feeling is diffused (although since we haven't spoken, I don't know if she still has bad feelings towards me or even thinks of me at all). I suppose I could write my message for her here, in my safe place:

Hey :)

I just wanted to leave you a quick message to see how you are and to say that I'm sorry for how things ended all those years ago.

I was in a dark place and had no awareness of how my behaviour came across to other people.

If I knew how you were feeling from the start it might have turned out differently. We might have worked things out and remained close, possibly closer than before.

I wish you had said something straight away, it still makes me upset to think that you feel badly towards me after all the great times we had at uni. We were so close, I turned to you for everything. It was only when I was unwell and not myself that I acted differently.

Tom was the only one who I saw at our flat because he came into my room to seek me out. If only you had. I'm not blaming you, I'm just sad it wasn't addressed sooner. I'll take the blame for it.

I hope you're well now and have close, loyal friends.

Jess XxX

Company please!

Mood: So lonely

The family have been away visiting family in Italy for 5 days and I am starting to climb the walls with loneliness.

I've always enjoyed my own company but the past year I have grown closer to my family than ever and rarely spend time on my own anymore. It's a wonderful thing and I'm so thankful for what I have. It's just made this week on my own really difficult, even with the odd shift at work. I have enjoyed some of the time, I like doing things about the house, cleaning, everyday chores.

I suppose I'm feeling it today more than ever because a friend let me down today. Unfortunately it's another in a string of let downs by her, although she is an old friend and I love her to pieces. Today I got up at half 6 - which I never do - not even feeling tired, up and ready to do some cleaning! I was in the mood to put some gloves on with some loud music and get the house looking all ready for my friend to come over. I texted asking when she was coming and apparently there was some confusion as to when I said I was free. Apparently, "I'm free on Tuesday" could be taken as "I'm free a week on Tuesday".

So it was about half 9 this morning and I'd already done the cleaning for her arrival, expecting her to come around midday, and suddenly another long day on my own is ahead of me. Great, I thought, as many times before I've been let down, now what'll I do? That was my whole plan for the day! I was so pissed off and fed up that all the things I'd normally find enjoyable I felt would be pointless. So sadly, I spent the rest of the entire day perfecting my impression of a couch potato with the help of Modern Family, GabeBabeTV, TheLaVigneLife, Disney related videos by Jennifer Oakes and The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Now that it's getting later and I have a work shift tomorrow the usual worry has started to settle in. My pre-work, I-wish-the-pressure-of-sales-targets-didn't-bother-me anxiety *sigh* I'll just keep drinking my tea and remember that two 5 hour shifts and I'm off to Tom's for a week. I don't feel like a holiday is around the corner at all, it's like I've made it up. Speaking of, I haven't packed at all. Crap.

SO FRUSTRATED

Mood: Tense and angry

I've built up all this angst and worry and it's shaping into irritation towards everything. I'm angry at customers, my family, the neighbour's dog (it barks for ages every singe night), even Tom.

Sales pressure

I don't let go of the pressure I'm under at work when I go home, I hold onto it and worry about meeting sales targets the whole time until I'm back at work. I hate having anxiety, you can't let go of anything! I tell myself over and over it isn't worth worrying about and it doesn't serve any useful purpose to think about it when you aren't at work - you can't do anything about it then! Reason and logic doesn't work. I think it's a case of telling myself every day to just leave it at the door, go home and do something nice that'll take your mind off it and perhaps doing that consistently will help me begin to internalise that. 

Big company

I feel nervous before work every day because my supervisor/manager come by several times during the day and targets and job performance are monitored at all times. Who wouldn't feel on edge really, I mean it's intimidating. It's a big company too and I think it'll be several months before I feel at ease, if at all! I worry I'll get into trouble by breaking some rule that I'm not even aware of. It's not an unrealistic worry, I already have done a few things. They played on my mind for a while but I did stop thinking back eventually. A lot of situations at work in a big company involve following certain procedures and I'm only a couple of months into my job so a lot of it is still alien to me. Most of my day to day tasks I've got down but there's still things that I dread that I'm unfamiliar with.

Being the new girl

I also get quite sad at work when I see the other girls I work with chatting to each other, chatting about plans to hang out and special occasions and it makes me feel pretty lonely, I'll admit. I've been told by some lovely colleagues that those girls have been in trouble for chatting in the past and if I keep my head down and stay busy I won't have any problems. Of course I don't want that but I would like to at least feel like one of the girls. They have all known each other much longer I suppose, maybe over time? They are all so helpful and I can turn to any of them for anything, which I'm so lucky to have.

Performance review

I also have a performance review coming up. My probationary period is 12 weeks, and I've a couple more to go before this review comes up. I am nervous about it, I really want to have a more impressive record under my belt in terms of meeting targets. I am putting more pressure on myself than I think even they are, maybe I have always had difficulty because I put unrealistic expectation on my own shoulders which is of course almost impossible to live up to. Maybe that account for some of my frustration when we have few customers and targets are difficult to work up to.

What makes me anxious: her personality or job position?

I have to say, what I struggle with at work is working under the eye of my supervisor. She is a nice person and has said some really comforting things to me in confidence to boost my spirits when I needed it, so what a I nervous of? Maybe it's her no nonsense way of getting things done? She addresses a problem the instant it arises and just handles it there and then. Or possibly it's simply the fact that she's my supervisor and possibly isn't to do with her but more her position? Feeling watched all the time is unnerving, I struggle to relax into my shift when she's present. She obviously trained me up on all things to do with my department and how things operate and she's told me how much I'm improving, I think I just assume she's looking for mistakes or something.

Maybe because that's what I look for in myself.

It's been a while

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Linger by The Cranberries

Well it's been so long I couldn't remember how to get the backstage access to my own blog! Admittedly I did for a while consider deleting it at the time when I was studying to become an Early Years Teacher, however as that didn't work out I am free to be me again. Nowadays you have to monitor all your online activity as it could scupper your chances for a job and such in the future but I want to keep it as it holds a lot of memories that even I have forgotten. Much of it is very negative as this blog was more of a strategy I took to get my thoughts out rather than to be an inspiration or a role model. I'm just me.

Soo what's happened since I last posted...

Teacher Training

I managed to get onto a Postgraduate Teacher Training course that specialised in Early Years (ages 0 to 5). The course was a years long and intended for anyone with a passion for children and turn them into Early Years Teachers, a recent job title that is a result of the government trying to improve the standard of childcare professional's qualifications. I loved being with the children in my placements but, due to factors outside of my control, things became more difficult and I fell increasingly behind, getting more anxious and allowing my depression to drag me into a dark corner. I was so stressed with the pressure I was putting on myself to do well and make a good impression at my placements in the hopes of being offered a post. So I was about two thirds through the course and nowhere near where I was expected to be, Disability Support at the university was non-existent - I tried multiple times to contact them but with no response - and my tutor could see me getting overwhelmed during classes, so he suggested I take time off the course. After taking time off, I decided to take a more long term pause which allows me to stop, do something else then potentially return within a couple of years and pick up where I had left off. I don't think I will, but we'll see. It has only been four months.

Back to work

Since leaving my course I started looking for work, figuring that I just wanted to earn and build up some savings again thank you very much. I haven't had any since I spent it all on my trip to South Africa (worth every penny). So now I'm back in retail, I'm not sure how long for but I know I will move on to something I find more rewarding later in the future. For now, earn and save, earn and save...