I am a hypocrite. I expect plenty while I give back very little. I expect second, third chances when I have little tolerance of my own for others. This is why I have so few friends. I push people away when they don't deserve it. And my destructive pattern leaves me alone in the corner wondering when I'll next share the company of someone who wants to see me. I've grown unsure of almost everyone. I have a couple of friends who I know I could turn to, but I always do things on my watch rather than other people's. I have such little patience.
The reason I'm blogging is that I miss an old friend. I tried reaching out to her tonight. I wrote my message then deleted it when I felt tears building up. I want to blog because it helps my get emotions out and also, when I think of her, a small part of me hopes that she'll read this as she once did. Maybe our friendship belongs in the past and I shouldn't relive bad memories, but I guess I just feel compelled to fix things.
If someone asked me what happened between us I would say this: I became ill and it caused some confusion. She felt deliberately mistreated and sadly had kept her feeling bottled up for months until it exploded. At which point I suppose our friendship was beyond fixing.
It's been about 2 years. I'm not sure what it is I miss more, our friendship or simply being that close to someone. Maybe I want to fix things so that the negative feeling is diffused (although since we haven't spoken, I don't know if she still has bad feelings towards me or even thinks of me at all). I suppose I could write my message for her here, in my safe place:
Hey :)
I just wanted to leave you a quick message to see how you are and to say that I'm sorry for how things ended all those years ago.
I was in a dark place and had no awareness of how my behaviour came across to other people.
If I knew how you were feeling from the start it might have turned out differently. We might have worked things out and remained close, possibly closer than before.
I wish you had said something straight away, it still makes me upset to think that you feel badly towards me after all the great times we had at uni. We were so close, I turned to you for everything. It was only when I was unwell and not myself that I acted differently.
Tom was the only one who I saw at our flat because he came into my room to seek me out. If only you had. I'm not blaming you, I'm just sad it wasn't addressed sooner. I'll take the blame for it.
I hope you're well now and have close, loyal friends.
Jess XxX
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