CAN OLD FRIENDS RETURN?

Feeling: Lonely.

I am a hypocrite. I expect plenty while I give back very little. I expect second, third chances when I have little tolerance of my own for others. This is why I have so few friends. I push people away when they don't deserve it. And my destructive pattern leaves me alone in the corner wondering when I'll next share the company of someone who wants to see me. I've grown unsure of almost everyone. I have a couple of friends who I know I could turn to, but I always do things on my watch rather than other people's. I have such little patience.

The reason I'm blogging is that I miss an old friend. I tried reaching out to her tonight. I wrote my message then deleted it when I felt tears building up. I want to blog because it helps my get emotions out and also, when I think of her, a small part of me hopes that she'll read this as she once did. Maybe our friendship belongs in the past and I shouldn't relive bad memories, but I guess I just feel compelled to fix things.

If someone asked me what happened between us I would say this: I became ill and it caused some confusion. She felt deliberately mistreated and sadly had kept her feeling bottled up for months until it exploded. At which point I suppose our friendship was beyond fixing.

It's been about 2 years. I'm not sure what it is I miss more, our friendship or simply being that close to someone. Maybe I want to fix things so that the negative feeling is diffused (although since we haven't spoken, I don't know if she still has bad feelings towards me or even thinks of me at all). I suppose I could write my message for her here, in my safe place:

Hey :)

I just wanted to leave you a quick message to see how you are and to say that I'm sorry for how things ended all those years ago.

I was in a dark place and had no awareness of how my behaviour came across to other people.

If I knew how you were feeling from the start it might have turned out differently. We might have worked things out and remained close, possibly closer than before.

I wish you had said something straight away, it still makes me upset to think that you feel badly towards me after all the great times we had at uni. We were so close, I turned to you for everything. It was only when I was unwell and not myself that I acted differently.

Tom was the only one who I saw at our flat because he came into my room to seek me out. If only you had. I'm not blaming you, I'm just sad it wasn't addressed sooner. I'll take the blame for it.

I hope you're well now and have close, loyal friends.

Jess XxX

Company please!

Mood: So lonely

The family have been away visiting family in Italy for 5 days and I am starting to climb the walls with loneliness.

I've always enjoyed my own company but the past year I have grown closer to my family than ever and rarely spend time on my own anymore. It's a wonderful thing and I'm so thankful for what I have. It's just made this week on my own really difficult, even with the odd shift at work. I have enjoyed some of the time, I like doing things about the house, cleaning, everyday chores.

I suppose I'm feeling it today more than ever because a friend let me down today. Unfortunately it's another in a string of let downs by her, although she is an old friend and I love her to pieces. Today I got up at half 6 - which I never do - not even feeling tired, up and ready to do some cleaning! I was in the mood to put some gloves on with some loud music and get the house looking all ready for my friend to come over. I texted asking when she was coming and apparently there was some confusion as to when I said I was free. Apparently, "I'm free on Tuesday" could be taken as "I'm free a week on Tuesday".

So it was about half 9 this morning and I'd already done the cleaning for her arrival, expecting her to come around midday, and suddenly another long day on my own is ahead of me. Great, I thought, as many times before I've been let down, now what'll I do? That was my whole plan for the day! I was so pissed off and fed up that all the things I'd normally find enjoyable I felt would be pointless. So sadly, I spent the rest of the entire day perfecting my impression of a couch potato with the help of Modern Family, GabeBabeTV, TheLaVigneLife, Disney related videos by Jennifer Oakes and The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Now that it's getting later and I have a work shift tomorrow the usual worry has started to settle in. My pre-work, I-wish-the-pressure-of-sales-targets-didn't-bother-me anxiety *sigh* I'll just keep drinking my tea and remember that two 5 hour shifts and I'm off to Tom's for a week. I don't feel like a holiday is around the corner at all, it's like I've made it up. Speaking of, I haven't packed at all. Crap.