I've built up all this angst and worry and it's shaping into irritation towards everything. I'm angry at customers, my family, the neighbour's dog (it barks for ages every singe night), even Tom.
Sales pressure
I don't let go of the pressure I'm under at work when I go home, I hold onto it and worry about meeting sales targets the whole time until I'm back at work. I hate having anxiety, you can't let go of anything! I tell myself over and over it isn't worth worrying about and it doesn't serve any useful purpose to think about it when you aren't at work - you can't do anything about it then! Reason and logic doesn't work. I think it's a case of telling myself every day to just leave it at the door, go home and do something nice that'll take your mind off it and perhaps doing that consistently will help me begin to internalise that.
Big company
I feel nervous before work every day because my supervisor/manager come by several times during the day and targets and job performance are monitored at all times. Who wouldn't feel on edge really, I mean it's intimidating. It's a big company too and I think it'll be several months before I feel at ease, if at all! I worry I'll get into trouble by breaking some rule that I'm not even aware of. It's not an unrealistic worry, I already have done a few things. They played on my mind for a while but I did stop thinking back eventually. A lot of situations at work in a big company involve following certain procedures and I'm only a couple of months into my job so a lot of it is still alien to me. Most of my day to day tasks I've got down but there's still things that I dread that I'm unfamiliar with.
Being the new girl
I also get quite sad at work when I see the other girls I work with chatting to each other, chatting about plans to hang out and special occasions and it makes me feel pretty lonely, I'll admit. I've been told by some lovely colleagues that those girls have been in trouble for chatting in the past and if I keep my head down and stay busy I won't have any problems. Of course I don't want that but I would like to at least feel like one of the girls. They have all known each other much longer I suppose, maybe over time? They are all so helpful and I can turn to any of them for anything, which I'm so lucky to have.
Performance review
I also have a performance review coming up. My probationary period is 12 weeks, and I've a couple more to go before this review comes up. I am nervous about it, I really want to have a more impressive record under my belt in terms of meeting targets. I am putting more pressure on myself than I think even they are, maybe I have always had difficulty because I put unrealistic expectation on my own shoulders which is of course almost impossible to live up to. Maybe that account for some of my frustration when we have few customers and targets are difficult to work up to.
What makes me anxious: her personality or job position?
I have to say, what I struggle with at work is working under the eye of my supervisor. She is a nice person and has said some really comforting things to me in confidence to boost my spirits when I needed it, so what a I nervous of? Maybe it's her no nonsense way of getting things done? She addresses a problem the instant it arises and just handles it there and then. Or possibly it's simply the fact that she's my supervisor and possibly isn't to do with her but more her position? Feeling watched all the time is unnerving, I struggle to relax into my shift when she's present. She obviously trained me up on all things to do with my department and how things operate and she's told me how much I'm improving, I think I just assume she's looking for mistakes or something.
Maybe because that's what I look for in myself.
