CAN'T AFFORD LIFE

Feeling: Frustrated

I realise that I don't come here so much anymore because I don't feel I have very much to say, but there are times. I'm seeing a life coach at the moment. She's a friend of my mother's and is a qualified counsellor training to be a life coach, so our sessions are part of her studies. I felt I needed a fresh approach and some help to regain a sense of direction and she's great! We try to meet once a week for a hour and discuss short and long term goals, obstacles and such.

At the moment I'm working whatever hours God sends to save as much as I can to learn to drive and ultimately move out with my boyfriend. We were house hunting and I kept coming up against obstacles that made it clear now is the time to begin learning. I might be learning late as I'm 24, but people do learn at all ages and I've always lived in a very well connected area so until the prospect of moving out became a reality I was saving myself a lot of money. I've saved well enough for us to book a holiday for our 5th anniversary! I might talk about that some other time.

Unfortunately the driving lessons depend on when I finish paying for my braces. I am so close to the end! I have calculated how many hours of lessons I want a week and it's far from cheap, so with my birthday in a week's time from now I have asked my parents for a block of lessons as my present. This will cover 2.5 weeks of lessons, which isn't very long so I need to be sure the braces are about to come off so I know that's all paid for now, let's move onto the lessons. It's a chunky amount of money when you're not working fulltime. I've figured I need to work 22 hours a week to cover all my expenses. I can only hope work allows me that as head office has just told us they want to cut down hours.

Thankfully, my boyfriend is the best support I could hope for. He knows the pressure I'm putting myself under to learn to drive relatively quickly and that I might need longer. You don't know until you start, I can only hope that I take to it well and approach it with a calm head. I know stressing will make it harder so there's no point. I've looked up a couple of schools that I like the look of and will book an initial lesson with the cheapest to see how I like the instructor. I hope this doesn't eat into my savings too much, but I suppose this is a prime example for what savings are for!

LOST

I've recently developed a cycle, almost like the water cycle. I cry (though sometimes not enough) and over time the frustration builds and builds until the floodgates open again. I initially want to say that this is to do with my relationship, but in actual fact that's only one element. I'm not sure when this frustration started but it seems to be the only emotion running through me now. I suppose I could boil it down to 3 categories:

Love.

Work.

Life.

Love: He feels further away than ever.
Work: I've no clue what to do with my degree or my future. I have a few ideas of what I'd like to do but I am constantly changing my mind and can't stick to a career path, even just for the time being.
Life: I'm fed up of living at home, I outgrew my attic bedroom when I left for university and don't share common interests with family so despite being surrounded by people I feel lonely.

Today I've decided to stop caring about everything. It will be easier for me to get through the days without my head feeling like a huge, tight knot. Oh god, am I sliding back?

NEW JOB, NEW START

Feeling: Grumpy (Being: Lazy!)

Well here we are again, at the begin of a new job, no. 4 this year! It's so embarrassing when people ask me how work is and I have to explain actually I'm at a new place again for the nth time :/

I'm back into retail for the moment so let's hope once I know the store layout and what I'm talking about I will be content for a while. I'm irritated today because the store opens tomorrow and I wasn't scheduled to work today but I'm having to go in to help get the store ready. I did say I couldn't at first but then I thought it's another chance to see the product layout before customers are in and asking where to find things! It would also get me further into the good books of the managing staff - I was told I'd been the first person who was able to go in. To be fair I'm sure the others in the new team are either studying or with their kids so I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else. I just want to keep out of trouble and avoid anything that could make me look bad through the manager's perspective.

I'd best go have a nibble before setting off!

SCATHING PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK

Feeling: Frustrated

Well I had the morning from hell. I challenge all of you who say " I had the worst day at work today" to hold that thought.

If you didn't already know, I have been working nights at an animal hospital for a short while now. This morning was on of a few day training mornings I've had as part of my training which involved a performance review for the first time. I was nervous when notified about the review because I felt somehow like I was on the firing line. And I was. I really was.

You know how when you're new to a job and it takes time to settle in, you make mistakes here and there. In many businesses you have time to make mistakes and ease into the position but I haven't had that. I've felt pressure to work flawlessly from very early on and it was confirmed when my line manager said she was expecting much more at this stage. Perhaps it is because my background is mostly retail and the way you conduct yourself doesn't potentially affect a life.

A Lamb to Slaughter

Suffice to say I got slaughtered. I noticed a notebook with a few pages with my name and the vets I've been working with mentioned a few times. I went into the review expecting it to be an opportunity for me to get out how I feel - which it was - but I had no idea how much negative feedback had been passed back about me! I had no idea how badly I'd been doing, I felt like I'd been getting better with each shift but according to the vets I've been working with I've been rude, sarcastic, full of attitude, disrespectful, sloppy. This was all brought out by examples one by one.

"Let's start with Friday the..."

I didn't realise that all my mistakes would be put in the spotlight and magnified in great detail. Practically every one I've made. I'm obviously anxious and over-worry but I've been doing my best to remain positive and look to my mistakes as lessons to move on from. I also was doing my best to gloss over the difficulties with the vets, hoping things would improve as they spent more time with me. I guess not...